《Jodha's Jalal (The Mughal Saga I)》32

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"Shehenshah,

I am going. Where I will refrain from telling you. You have given me more than I could have ever asked for, but unfortunately, I couldn't meet up to your expectations, and so I will bid adieu now. But you are not wrong, either. It is just that our story was written up till here. Our fate has betrayed us. But why blame fate when we all know that I am the real culprit here. I lost my mother's trust, she abandoned me. And I couldn't gain my husband's trust. I have loved you with all my heart, but now this newfound reality that I was coming to terms with, this new place Agra, that I call home now, the palace and its walls suffocate me.

You know me. I have always broken rules, and I need my freedom. I cannot stay here anymore. I will not tell you where I am going because that will do nothing good. All my life I spent thinking that Maa loves me, but she didn't. When I married you, it was because my father had asked me, to save our kingdom, and I couldn't say no to him even though I had always dreamed of being called Maharani and marrying a brave Rajput warrior. I had to because had I been in his place, I would have done the same. If I were to go back in time, I would still do the same. Or I would question Kanha the meaning of my birth. I am so useless, that I would like to free you from even my shadow. I did not expect anything from you or our marriage, but I was attracted to you and before I knew I had fallen in love with you.

It seems to me that, it was just one-sided love, never reciprocated. You did your part. You did everything a husband could. Again, it's my fault, so don't blame yourself. I am going now and I want you to be happy, always. I want you to get married to someone you love or fall in love with and have an heir, which you so badly crave for. I wish you all the happiness and success. I want you to know that no matter what happens, whether I live or die, my blessings are always with you.

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And even after this, if you want to blame yourself, then do. Blame yourself for marrying me, blame yourself for that night in the forest when you first touched me, blame yourself for giving a baby in a womb that did not deserve it. Blame yourself for even crossing paths with me; for I am nothing, no princess, no Begum.

I will never come back. Don't go searching for me, for even if you do, you will never be able to find Jodha ever again.

Goodbye!"

As Neela completed reading the letter, Jalal had been silenced. He was not saying anything. He was silent. Neela's hands trembled when she finished the letter. She looked over at Jalal, his eyes were staring into nothingness. She clutched onto the letter, as she greeted him and walked out.

"Give me the letter." He finally spoke.

She turned around and he was still staring into nothingness. She simply walked and kept it beside him on the sofa.

"Your Majesty!" Neela excused herself as she ran out. When she had reached a particular distance, hot tears flooded her eyes, making her sight blurry so she did not recognise when Rehman approached her. She recognized him though because of his voice. He embraced her as she cried against his warm chest. She clutched hard onto his robe and he patted her back, to calm her down.

"Calm down, it is okay. We will find her."

"She had not yet recovered fully; she was very weak and....and.... she was very stressed and sad, I don't know where she might be right now, in what condition. I...I failed at my job Rehman; I couldn't protect my kunwari."

"Don't say that. Sometimes we fail to understand things, see things. It is difficult. You can't know everything every time. I am sure Shehenshah will find her and sort things out."

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"I am not sure about that. Jodha never showed it, but Shehenshah behaved very badly with her, he was so cruel and he didn't even care about her. All he wants is an heir, nothing more!" she cried and he calmed her down.

~

As Jalal lay on her bed that night and closed his eyes, her face flashed before him, and he opened his eyes; a tear rolled down one of his eyes. When had they become so distant, that she left by just writing a letter? If she was angry, she could have spoken to him about it and they could've sorted things out. But no, she just left. She could have stayed; she could have given him another chance like she always did. Why did she leave?

She loved him; he knew it. She loved him knowing he didn't feel that way about her. He was attracted to her, sure. But love, that was a totally different feeling. And now that she had left him, did he confront his real feelings. He had never loved a woman before; these feelings were alien to him and he had not known how to accept them and go on with it. Now that she left, he realised his true feelings.

It was difficult for him to stay away from her, had always been. He knew it, even when they had consummated their relationship, it was not pure lust that he had felt, but a different feeling when he had felt her for the first time when she had become his by all means. He had known this for a long time now, just didn't have the courage to come to terms with reality.

And now when she was gone, and it all ended because of his want for an heir, what could he do but blame himself? She blessed him to fall in love and have kids with the woman he would love; she didn't know that she was the woman that he loved. He had failed everyone. He failed her, failed himself and even failed their unborn child.

That night, when sleep came to him, he dreamt of her. The fierceless princess, the fearful prince, the shy and beautiful begum he had been in love with all this time. He wanted her back, so badly, that he cried all through that dream without even realising.

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