It's been a week after Amanda's death. Mathew was extremely concerned about Ryan's well-being. He acts like nothing happened, went to college every day, did his work. Mathew would have been happy if Ryan could sleep better at night. It's like all the things he denies in the day comes haunting in the night. He couldn't sleep, whenever Mathew wakes up at night he finds him awake. He could see him on the verge of breaking down and not giving in. If one thing Mathew was sure about Ryan it is that he is as stubborn as a mule. He doesn't know what to do with him; If he was crying, Mathew would just hold him and tell him everything is going to be alright. If he was being irrational and doing stupid things, he would make him realize what he was doing is stupid, he is doing none of those things, in fact he is as sane as he can get. But, Mathew knew better, he knows what is appearing to eyes can be deceiving some times.

Thinking of a solution for how to handle Ryan came to a halt when his phone rang. He pulled out his phone and answered it not knowing who it was since the call was from an unknown number.

"Hello."

"It's Fin. Bartender. Am I talking to Mathew Collins?" Mathew instantly recognized him, as Ryan and him went to that bar a couple more times after their first adventure there.

"Yes Fin. It's me. What's the matter?"

"It's Ryan. He's super drunk and refusing to leave the bar."

"What?" he was shocked "Are you talking about my Ryan?" he couldn't believe what he was listening. Ryan doesn't have a drinking habit. Besides, he was supposed to be at home like he said a few hours ago. Mathew has some work at the college so he already told Ryan that he would be late.

"Yeah, him. Black hair, extremely tall, decent, need I go on?" he said sarcastically.

"No. I'll be there as soon as I can. Please keep an eye on him will you?"

"Will do." he replied before hanging up.

Mathew came to the pub as fast as he could and saw a drunk Ryan trying to get more drinks from Fin. "How long has he been in here?" he asked the bartender who is clearly refusing to give more drinks.

"Just one more." Ryan slurred.

"Mary." Mathew finally decided to let his presence known as Ryan didn't notice him.

"Sirrr?" Ryan said and giggled at his own slur.

"We're going home."

"Why? You just came, let's drrrink and enjoy. That's what you say always say rrright? Live a little? Orrr is it something else?" he gave a thinking expression with his hand going to his chin.

"Let's go home." he said again.

"No. I want a drink." he gestured for a drink which was obviously denied by the guy.

Mathew finally fed up forcefully dragged him to Ryan's car, pushed him into passenger's seat and started to buckle him up when he was dragged into the person's lap. The teacher doesn't have the time to contemplate what was going on as he's being kissed desperately and roughly. It's not like all those other kisses they shared, it's too hot and too intense. Ryan's tongue tasted everything inside of his mouth leaving not even an inch without unattended, they were both battling with their tongues. Mathew gave up, in reality he lost the battle which he would never admit to any one. But, he felt an excitement being handled roughly. He kissed a few woman which definitely did not match to the intensity he was feeling right now.

Just when he thought it wouldn't get any better Ryan started grinding into him. He felt Ryan's hard on against his butt and lost it as he started grinding back. Hands which were holding Ryan's shoulders went to tug on Ryan's hair, resulting a throaty moan from him. So, he did it again, this time harder than the last time gaining another moan which made him even more harder. The car was too small for those to be do something more, but neither seemed to care as they lost themselves in each others touch. Ryan's hands traveled all over Mathew's torso, they went under his shirt, Mathew moaned feeling cold hands trace him and making feel different things at one as hands rubbed over his nipples and his behind was pressed into a large bulge. Ryan's hands finally reached to his pants. Mathew suddenly remembered what was happening and pushed him away, Ryan's hand still didn't let Mathew go and he went for Mathew's neck. Before he could reach it and distract him, Mathew caught him "Mary don't." he said sternly. Ryan looked confused for a second before passing out cold on his shoulder. Mathew sighed and kissed his forehead before carefully climbing out of his lap, moaning in the process when their both crotches touched.

When they reached home, Mathew assisted him to their room and lied him on the bed. He stripped him off his clothes except his boxers and started to clean him up with a wet clothe. He stopped at the happy trail and noticed that he's still sporting a hard on which is very noticeable in his boxers which he made him bought them as he would never let him wear those tight as$ underwear. Seeing him like that made him go hard once again as he successfully got it under control during ride home. He cleaned him up with much difficulty, only thing that stopped him from molesting him or do much worse things was Ryan is not in a good place emotionally, he's definitely not taking advantage of that. That's the only thing that stopped him from getting naked in that car and take his virginity.

He never felt the lust he felt in that moment in his entire life and that need for anyone else. Even now he is barely controlling himself. He is a bisexual, he felt things for men, but nothing came as close as this. He didn't know what he would've done if he had gave into that and let things happen. He hates himself now, taking advantage of a vulnerable person and considering the things he could do to him. Finally, deciding he couldn't control himself around the boy anymore he went to living room to sleep on the couch.

In the middle of night, he woke up to strange sounds from the bed room and instantly went there to see what was happening. In the corner of the room, Ryan stood throwing things on the floor aggressively. "Mary. What the hell are you doing?"

Ryan finally noticed him "Why are you still here?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"I thought you left me." he sounded a little sober.

"Left? I don't have any work on campus. Why would I leave?" he asked confused.

"That's not -" he stopped himself and asked instead "Where were you?"

"I slept in the living room since you were kicking me." he lied easily.

"I don't" he protested.

"Normally, yes. But you seemed to pick up new habits these days." he said gesturing to him and the mess he made. To which he didn't say anything and went to bed to bury himself in sheets.

"When are you going to come to reality Ryan?" he still didn't say anything and dragged covers over his head drowning out his voice. Mathew walked to bed and yanked them off. Ryan stayed still, not doing anything to get them.

"Amanda -"

"Don't" Ryan cut him off even before he finished his sentence.

"No. Amanda is dead." Ryan instantly threw him on the bed and got into his face "I said don't." he said threateningly. Anyone would have covered away from the amount of hostility Ryan was emitting at that moment. But, not Mathew, he didn't even flinch, all he saw in those raging eyes was; a call for help and how lost he was. He understood him perfectly, Amanda was the only person he relied on his entire life now that he lost her, he didn't know what to do and how he could survive. This is what Amanda feared about.

"She's not coming back." Ryan clenched his fist which didn't go unnoticed by the teacher yet he continued "Just because you keep pretending nothing has changed, nothing is going back to how it was." Ryan moved close to him clenching his jaw like he was about to hit him, only to bury his head in Mathew's chest. Mathew instantly wrapped his hands around him hugging him close to himself.

"You can't go on like this Mary." he said slowly rubbing his back.

"She refused to be admitted into hospital saying she hated all those machines." Mathew heard him clearly even though his voice was muffled by his chest.

"She wanted to spend her remaining life with her son being happy."

"She would have been cured." his voice broke a little.

"You know that's not true. Doctors could only get her some extra time."

"I didn't even get the chance to say her goodbye." Mathew felt wetness on his naked chest. "Only if I had listened to her." he sobbed into his chest. "I was angry. Angry that she had kept it a secret for a long time." his sobs increased.

Mathew just held him until his sobs subsided into sniffles without saying anything "I just wish I had the chance to say goodbye properly Sir."

"Amanda is a wise woman Mary, do you really think she would go away just like that?"

"What do you mean?" he finally looked up from the chest he buried himself in.

"Wait." Mathew got out of the bed and walked to the closet, pulled out an envelope and gave it him.

"What is it?" he questioned properly sitting on the bed.

"I'm thinking it's a letter. She told me I'd know when to give it to you. I hope she is right." Ryan is wary to open it. "I'll sleep on the couch. Call me if you need me." He was about to walk away but Ryan stopped him by saying "Will you please stay?"

Mathew looked at the envelope for a second "If that's what you want." and sat beside him.

After what felt like an hour Ryan opened the envelope and read the letter. He read it again and again for a few minutes and started to sob uncontrollably. Mathew was instant to wrap hands around the sobbing boy. "It's okay. It's going to be okay." he repeated those words until the sobs became light sniffles.

"She said that she's proud of me." sniffle "I don't think I've been a good son. I would have been beside her when she needed me if I was." he mumbled.

"Mary don't beat yourself up. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to watch her suffering." he grabbed the crying boy's chin and lifted it up so that they can see eye to eye "Don't ever doubt yourself. She is damn proud of you, she never misses the chance to boast about you." which resulted a watery chuckle from the said person "She never misses the chance to nag in front of me, yet she goes around telling people other wise." remembering some of her memories he laid his head on the comforting shoulder.

After a long amount of silence Ryan finally spoke in a broken tone. "I don't know how to live without her Sir." he gulped "I- I'm lost."

"Mary look at me." he waited till he finally looked at him. "I'm here for you. I won't let you get lost. Okay?" he didn't get any response so he continued "I promise you." he promised looking into those black eyes, his blue eyes expressing the honesty his words might lack. The lost boy trusted him so he nodded as he couldn't express his gratitude in words.

Mathew caught a glimpse of clock which indicated it's early in the morning. "Let's sleep. It's already morning."

"I don't think I can sleep." he admitted hesitantly. "Nightmares."

"Look at these eyes, all red. They need some rest." he ran his thumb on the bags underneath Ryan's eyes; got from his lack of sleeping "I'll be right next to you whether you need me or not." he kissed those eyes to put them to sleep. "Sleep." he patted the boy's tummy as a mother would to make her baby sleep. Which did wonders as the boy fell asleep without even noticing it.