Church the next day wasn't as fun as it should be. Of course, my family and I went, and all of my friends' families as well. But you see, they were talking about marriages, friendships, and eternal love, and I literally wanted to raise my hand and ask our priest about my personal life and how I should handle these certain situations.

But I didn't, because that's crazy.

Dani was there, sitting with her grandparents. I waved a hand in greeting, and she smiled and waved back. I wondered if I try to act like the almost-kiss scene from yesterday didn't happen, would she treat me back to normal again? I tried to keep my eyes off of her, trying to avoid any eye contact, but it was hard because of how pretty she looked today.

Like me, she was wearing a dress. But I've never seen her hair up before, so now her neck is exposed, and her collar bones, and here I am, avoiding any staring at her newly seen skin.

Gosh, what is up with me lately? I knew I was blushing, and I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts.

But anyways, I bet she would treat me back to normal, because knowing her a little by now, I know that she will not act on something that would make me feel uncomfortable. But the thing is... I'm still quite unsure if I can handle that. If we both know that something is not right, and we act like it's not there, I feel like I could explode. You know the stuff, like, having these thoughts and feelings building up inside my head, and I couldn't voice it out because I'm super self-conscious.

My brain hurts just thinking about it.

My brain hurts because I don't have the balls to tell Dani that certain something that should be said. My brain also hurts because the English assignment that Dani and I were supposed to be working on is due on Thursday, which is soon. If we didn't get it done before Tuesday, then we're screwed because I'm going to be really busy this week.

We have basketball games and practices, and then I have other volunteer things to do in school to achieve an outstanding performance in participating in social events that would get me a scholarship, and great recommendations for college. I have everything planned out, and we're right on schedule.

So after church, Dani and I will be meeting at her grandparents' place for lunch and try to get as much of the assignment done. That was our agreement via text message last night.

And by last night, I meant at three in the morning. She knew that I was awake because I've told her about me having weird self-dectructing dreams before, and that I couldn't sleep then. It was comforting that she knows about it, because I could use a distraction.

But then again, I, Maverick Bridge didn't really know how to express myself.

I was replying with one word messages, and I want to punch myself for that because I myself, hate that kind of messages.

_______________

Dani: We can work on our assignment at my house.

Me: Cool.

Dani: Yeah, my grandma's making these awesome cinnamon rolls.

Me: Nice.

Dani: So after church is okay?

Me: Yes.

Dani: Alright, awesome. See you then?

Me: Yep.

_______________

Goshdangit, I am so stupid.

"Peace be with you." Appeared Dani, who was offering her hand for me to shake. I didn't even know it was time for the sign of peace already, and I looked around me to see that everyone was shaking hands with everyone.

I was surprised, and... Scared. But Dani just smiled and took my hand herself and shook it. Her hand was warm, and soft and I gulped nervously knowing that mine was probably sweaty and gross.

I wanted to say peace be with you too, but my brain was processing so fast that I end up saying,

"Peesoup." My eyes narrowed and squeezed Dani's hand. "I meant to say, peace be with you- you know what I mean."

But she was laughing at me, and I frowned at her, my face flushed from embarrassment.

"Shut up. No one is as perfect as you." I told her, wanting to be stern, but I can't help it, her laugh just made me smile.

"So I'm perfect? I thought you said no one is?" She replied, her smile turning into a grin.

I bit my bottom lip. I really wish she would stop making me feel so shy all of a sudden. Because you know, that is so not me.

"You know what I meant." I said again, sighing, feeling very anxious just because of mispronouncing the sign of peace.

"I actually don't. You're really hard to read these days, so help me, whatever do you mean?" Her voice was teasing, and she flipped her braided blonde hair back as if to manipulate me. It was a move that a few people can pull off, and Dani made it effortless. Meanwhile, I can't help but feel flustered. She was flirting, and her smirk annoyed me.

I raised an eyebrow at her, trying to cool my shit, because as much as I liked seeing her being like this, with me, it feels totally wrong because of Margo. Gosh, I can't even imagine myself flirting back. So, with a deep breath, I shrugged my shoulders at Dani.

My face feels so hot, I must've looked crimson red, and I'm surprised Dani didn't comment on it.

"You alright, Mave? Your face is red." She said.

Well, shit. Never mind then.

Then, she walked away and went back to her grandparents. I gawked at her retreating figure, feeling confused and baffled. What was she trying to do? She can't do that. Who gave her the right to... To- what? I don't even know what to feel.

It's like she knows that I like her, and she's playing with me. She shouldn't do that. She couldn't do that. Goddamn it, she's not supposed to be allowed to do that.

Calm down. Take a deep breath. It's going to be okay. She's just the usual, cheeky Dani.

Well then, I guess I got to put my guard up, no matter what. Who knows what I could do.

*

"Can you at least try?" Dani asked, when she pressed the record button of her camera. Then, she pressed it again, and adjusted the lens so I was in focus. She sighed in frustration and turned back to look at me.

"I'm trying." I argued.

"You sound like a robot." Dani said, frowning. "This project's supposed to mean something to you."

"But what I'm saying means a lot." I told her, now glaring and waving my cards at her. I stared at them, then back at her. "I worked so hard to write these, and you're just telling me that it's not enough."

"I didn't say that." Dani replied. "I'm just saying... Your words doesn't sound real."

"But they are!" I said, getting really angry now.

"Saying things like, I aspire to be an inspiration-"

"That is real!" I cut her off. "I meant that!"

"Then mean it hard!"

I was sitting on a stool, with a deep blue background against the wall of Dani's room. The camera was pointed at me, and Dani was behind it, watching me, her expression unreadable.

"I just want you to be honest with yourself." Dani said, her hands on her hips.

"Fine." I said. "Hit the record button. Forget about the cards, just record me. I'm going to blabber on to whatever comes to my mind. And if turns out to be shit, I suggest we talk to Ms Shatilla and tell her that we decided to work on our own." I said, sounding pissed.

Dani was pissed too. But she hit the record button anyways. I threw my cards on the floor and stared directly at the camera.

For a moment, I was silent. I didn't know what to say. Glancing at Dani, then at the camera, I took a deep breath and started.

"This project was supposed to be about being true to yourself, like Polonius' advice in Hamlet. But I don't think I want to be honest. I don't think I want to be out there, expressing my feelings. I've never been good at showing them, but I am damn good at hiding them. For me to be able to open up like that, it would take about years. I think I'm not ready. I think I still need to grow up. You may not know what I'm talking about, and I may sound like I'm talking gibberish, but I do know that somewhere, someone knows how I feel. I'm not that kind of person that would directly act on feeling. I do not know what that means." I stared at Dani, and she was staring at me carefully. I stared back at the camera and said,

"But you know, sometimes I feel like it's wrong to keep all of these things wound up inside me. It's not good for you, they said, it's not right, they said. Don't be selfish, they said. And I'm starting to believe them. Because... What if, you know? What if I wasn't that way? What would it be like to be free and open like... Like other people? I'm jealous of those who can, and I just want to be like them. But each and everyone of us is different. We have our own perspective, and sometimes we're wrong. Most of the time, we think we're wrong. I think I'm wrong."

At this point, I was in the verge of tears.

"I wanted to know how to feel- how to feel like I'm important. I tried so hard to matter in everyone's lives, being the great friend that I am, and giving support and comfort if they need them. But what about me? I'm not blaming my friends just because they're not there for me, because I know I'm not showing that I need them. So who am I to blame them? I guess I'm just lonely. I guess I'm just stubborn. I just don't want them to worry. Or, I don't want to be shown as vulnerable."

As I wipe my tears away, I gave a small smile at the camera.

"And it hurts. It hurts so bad. I guess all I'm saying is, talk to someone kids. Don't be like me. Don't be afraid to let someone know."

"You know, you're not making any sense right now." Spoke Dani, who took a step closer towards me.

"What do you want Dani?" I asked, as I wipe my tears away. "What do you want from me?"

I didn't know what was wrong. I wanted to stop crying, but I can't. I'm just shaking on my spot, and sobbing like a child.

"It's okay to be vulnerable, you know." She said, and took another step closer. "What you're feeling is normal."

"You can't say that. Don't act like you know what I'm feeling."

"Oh, but I do." She replied, smiling at me sadly. "I know exactly what it's like."

"Even if you know what it's like, you can't help me." I told her. "It's different. It's a one side thing."

"Can you elaborate more?" Dani was now a foot away, and she took another stool and sat on it, so now we're facing each other. "What are you talking about, Maverick?"

She knows.

"None of your concerns." I said.

"What kind of a friend would I be, if I just let that go?" She asked, now grinning.

"Someone who minds their own business."

"That's not a friend though, is it?" She said, touching knees with me. "Don't you think of me as a friend?"

"Yes."

"Then what's the problem?"

I like you. That's the problem. I like you too much, and I'm afraid of what other people might think of me, wanting you. But I didn't say that.

"People." I said. "People's judgement is."

"Why can't you ignore that and be happy?" She asked.

"Because it's risky." I replied.

It's like we're playing a game, Dani and I. She doesn't know what I'm talking about, but she's asking all the right questions.

Then Dani leaned forward, her face now an inch from mine. Her light brown eyes stared into my blue ones, and she held them, as if searching for me. For the real me.

"Mave?"

"Yes?"

"If I kissed you right now, what would you do?" She asked, her tone dead serious.

"Please don't do that." I said, now closing my eyes tightly. "Please don't."

"Why not?" She asked.

"Because I honestly don't know what I would do, so don't risk it." I said.

By the time I opened my eyes, Dani had leaned back, and was now smiling at me. Though she was smiling, her eyes looked so sad, and I was puzzled.

"Why do you want to kiss me anyways? Don't you have Margo for that?" I asked.

"I guess I do." Dani said, chuckling. "But we don't like each other that way... Not yet, anyways."

"Wait, what?"

"She's a friend, Mave."

"But- that doesn't make any sense."

"Says you." She snorted out a laugh. "Look. If you don't want to talk about it, then we won't. Let's just... Try to finish this project. We got enough footage, so all we need is to edit-"

"Wait hold on." I said, and tugged at her arm. "We're not going to present this in class." I demanded.

"Why not?" Dani asked. "It's inspiring."

"No."

"Mave, this is great!"

"Me looking weak is not great!" I argued. "It's pathetic."

"You may think it's pathetic, but I think it's beautiful." Dani said seriously, as she went behind the camera again to watch the footage. "I think... I think you're beautiful." She said, blushing and grinning at me.

I gawked, and blinked. No way. No way is she doing this to me now.

"Thank you." I replied, looking away from her, and look at something else just not at her.

Honestly, I think she's beautiful as well.

Very beautiful.