Chapter Seventeen:

Why Do You Want Me To Kiss You?

"Do you have anymore of these goldfishes?" Natasha asked me when I put on my pajamas. She's laying on my bed right now, eating my vanilla goldfish crackers, and drinking a tall can of iced green tea.

"Stop eating that crap."

"This crap is yours." Nat replied. She moved her body to reach her phone on the side table and increased the volume of the music that's been playing for quite some time now. "How was tryouts?" She asked, after I sat down beside her.

I sighed and pulled her head on my lap and I stared down at her.

"Are you okay?" I asked, poking her forehead. "I would love to talk about how tryouts went, but you came here for a reason."

"Yeah, but-" Nat started. She munched on a goldfish. "If I talk about myself, I'm afraid that I'll get depressed."

"So we're not going to talk about it then?" I asked, as I lay down too, Nat's head on my tummy now. "Boy troubles?"

"Yeah."

"By trouble that includes Thomas?" I asked carefully.

"Yeah." Nat replied again, still munching on the crackers.

"Boy troubles that includes Thomas, and his stupidity?"

"Yeah." Nat said. "His stupidity for breaking up with me."

I froze.

"So he broke up with me after school today." She explained. "Now, that wasn't pretty because it doesn't make sense. We were together for a reason, you know? I thought that we really connected. I guess it was there, but as soon as he said, 'Sorry Nat, this will not work out', I was confused. I felt like I was nothing."

"Oh come on," I said, and nudging her head on my tummy. "Don't say that."

"It's true." She said, her voice trembling. "It's so stupid. I'm so stupid. I feel pathetic. I guess karma's being a total bitch to me lately. I've been a bad person for quite some time."

"You're not a bad person." I tried telling her.

"Really, Mave? Really? Have you seen what I've done to Dennis? I cheated on him with Thomas!"

Now that shut me up.

"How low can I get?" She sobbed.

I felt so bad. I wanted to tell her that it was not her fault. I wanted to tell her badly that she was not a bad person. To me, I would think that Thomas and Dennis used Natasha to sort out their feelings for each other. It wasn't fair for Nat. It really wasn't.

Did they even care that Nat got hurt? Does that mean that they're a couple now? I need to talk to Dennis. I need to talk to Dennis and Thomas. I get that they're afraid of coming out, but lying was never right.

Lying to Nat, and playing with her wasn't right.

"This is not your fault." I tried to comfort my best friend.

"How is this not my fault, Mave?"

"Cut it out!" I scolded her, now sitting up, and facing her as I cross my legs. "Are you really gonna sulk there, and act like the world is going to end? I get that you feel pathetic, but do something about it! You can't cry all the time, because nothing will happen if you do."

"What do you want me to do? Pretend like I'm fine? Put on a fake smile?"

"You don't get what I'm trying to say." I said, sighing. "I'm trying to tell you to be strong. Don't let yourself break like this. Come on, Nat, you're better than that." Leaning slightly, I took a hold on the side of her face. "Like I said, it's not the end of the world. They're just boys."

Nat stared back at me with tears in her eyes. Her lip trembling, and she cried harder.

"I don't like feeling like this." She cried, pulling me close for a hug.

"Don't let yourself feel like this then."

"What the fuck, Mave? I'm not a robot like you." She said, laying her head on my shoulder.

"I am not a robot." I told her, scoffing. "I have a heart too."

"You have a heart, but you don't have a soul."

"Get out of my house." I told Nat, but she just giggled and cuddled closer.

"Actually though," Nat said, sniffing and wiping her tears away. "Why did you rejected James? He seems like a nice guy."

"Why are we talking about him?" I asked, groaning in complaint. "This is about you."

"But, someone finally had the guts to ask you out." Nat replied, now chuckling. "I ship it."

"Gross."

"Tell me, what's so gross about James?"

"Nat, he's stalking me!" I cried. "He's creepy! He's practically forcing himself on me, which is such a turn off, by the way."

"Let's say that he's not forcing himself on you, and not annoying. Would you say yes?"

"No." I answered. "Because that wouldn't be James."

"Maverick!"

"What? What do you want me to say?" I asked, confused now. "I really don't like him."

"You don't like anyone." She said.

"That's not true." I pouted. "I like Dani." Nat gave me a look. "I like you too... And Dennis..."

"Dani?" Nat repeated, looking at me oddly. "Is she still aiming for the best friend throne? Because I have that throne right now, and I'm not planning on giving it up."

"Awe." I cooed, and hugged Nat. "You're jealous!"

"You guys are becoming close pretty quickly." She said. "I feel out of place."

"Aren't you proud of me though? At least I made a new friend."

"True." She nodded. "But still, don't you want a boyfriend?"

"Uh, not really?" It was more of a question than an answer. "It has crossed my mind, but I'm not worrying about it."

"I think it would be nice if you had another person that you could be open with."

"I have you." I said. "And... Dani. And Dennis."

"That's not what I meant." Nat sighed. "I mean, in an intimate way."

"Romance and shit?"

"Romance and shit." Said Nat while nodding her head.

"I guess that would be nice." I admitted. "It sounded nice in books and movies, would it be nice in real life too?"

"Of course! Don't you think so?"

"I wouldn't know." I told Nat honestly. "I haven't felt anything like what they described in movies. Well, not that I know of, anyways."

"You probably have, but you're too oblivious or stubborn to think so." Nat said, chuckling.

"Pffft. I doubt it."

Nat puckered her lips.

"Try and kiss me."

"What the fuck?"

"Come on, Mave!" Nat said, now sitting up and crossing her legs like me. "You haven't kissed anyone!"

"So? That doesn't mean that I want to kiss you!" I exclaimed, my face feeling warm and I knew that I was blushing.

"Pretend that I'm a guy."

"Nat, I really don't want to do this." I complained. But Nat shook her head, and she scooted closer. She held my hands, then my face.

"Pretend that I'm a guy, Mave."

"I don't want to kiss you!" I repeated myself. "Are you nuts?"

"I'm trying to save your life!" Nat defended herself. "What if you finally get to kiss someone but then you were sloppy?"

"What the hell is going on?" I asked her. "You want to teach me how to kiss?"

"Yes."

"You're crazy."

Natasha rolled her eyes and flipped her hair back. She gave me a pointed look, and I knew that she was judging me.

"Stop judging me!" I told her.

"I didn't even say anything!" Nat laughed.

"Look, believe it or not, but I want to save my first kiss."

"I don't count!" Nat said.

"WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO KISS YOU SO BADLY?" I shook her shoulders.

"I'm just trying to look after you!" Nat said, and she just kept on laughing. I knew that she would annoy me further more if I didn't do what she said, so I just sighed, and pulled her closer. My lips just inches away from hers, and I paused, wondering what the hell I'm doing.

I kissed Natasha. My eyes closed tightly, my hands on her shoulders, and my lips pressed on hers. It took about two seconds until she moved her lips to brush against mine, and I let myself relax while she took the lead. Her lips were soft, and I tested the waters when I dared myself to kiss her back.

Then it was over. I ended it. I wanted to end it, because what we were doing felt weird for me. It's not the fact that I was kissing my best friend, but I think it was the fact that Natasha is a girl, and I feel like I wouldn't mind kissing another girl at all.

And that scared me.

I didn't understand the strange realization, and I felt so confused. Nat sat there, crossing her arms at me. I frowned.

"So?" I asked, staring at her, feeling very conflicted at the moment. "What's my score?"

"Three out of ten." Nat said boldly, shaking her head with a small smile. "You weren't that bad. I've had worse."

"Thanks... I guess?"

"Dennis was a horrible kisser. I had to teach him my ways." Natasha joked. "He was worse than you."

Yeah, because Dennis would rather kiss Thomas instead of you. I thought, and burst out laughing. Nat thought that I was laughing at what she said but really...

The thought about Nat dating two possible boys who hooked-up with one another became suddenly funny to me.

IDFC by Blackbear played on Natasha's phone and she started singing along. She layed on my bed, wearing my pajamas, eating my food, and hugging my stuffed panda. She hummed along with the music, and I stared at her, smiling, because I knew that she would be fine.

Two boys can't stop Nat. I knew that. But I get so worried sometimes, maybe becoming more over-protective, but that's because I treat her like my sister. She's family to me.

I just hoped that she would listen to me, and eventually move on.

"Tell me pretty lies, look me in the face, tell me that you love me, even if it's fake. 'Cause I don't fucking care, at all." Nat sang, her body wiggling as she try to dance with the music.

I chuckled.

She'll be alright.

***

My friend got into an accident yesterday. I found out during lunch hour. She's fine, she's just covered with a lot of bruises. When I told her,

"Well, I'm glad you're alive though."

She said,

"Me too, kinda."

"DON'T YOU KINDA ME. I ALMOST CRIED BECAUSE OF YOU."

Then I started crying.

"Awe Jean, I'm okay."

xoxo -Jean