Elijah's POV:

"Son, you need to let us help you get out of the car."

I ignored the words spoken to me as a pair of hands grasped my arms. My body jerked, and I tried to pull free.

"Elijah, Wake up."

"No, get Carter." All I could see was his body draped across the dashboard. Nothing else mattered. "Get Carter. Please."

"Elijah."

My movements stilled when the voice floated to my ears, wrapping around my mind in an unexpected wave of calmness. The words were no longer that of a man but were feminine.

My eyes flashed open as I sucked in a breath, meeting the crystalline orbs that shone down on me with concern. I took them in as I tried to steady my breathing.

I was in my room, not a burning car.

"Oh good, you're awake." Rowan shifted, her hair filling gently over her shoulder. She let out a breath, nodding slowly. The worry in her voice caused a wave of guilt to fall upon me. It only increased tenfold when she rubbed at her eyes. I had woken her. "Are you, okay?"

"Yeah," I said, cringing at how hoarse my voice sounded. "Didn't mean to wake you. We can go back to sleep."

She shook her head, pressing her lips together as her tiny frame trembled.

Had I scared her that badly?

"That's okay, it was time for me to get up anyway."

I tilted my head. It was still dark outside and I hadn't noticed it before but her eyes were clouded. Something else was on her mind.

"You okay?"

She was quiet for a moment before she nodded. "Just have trouble sleeping sometimes."

I felt as if there was more to her explanation, but didn't press. Instead, I shut my eyes to escape the images that were still playing t the back of them. But it was no use.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

I glanced at Rowan. Her delicate eyes were still cautious, and her hand lay suspended in the air as if she had been about to touch me. Her eyes stayed on mine when her hand descended, and I found myself holding my breath when it wrapped around mine.

I exhaled.

"Probably better if I didn't." I took in the bags underneath her eyes, the deep circles still not enough to take away from her beauty. "You still look tired. Sure you don't want to try and get some sleep?"

Rowan shook her head. "Whatever is going on isn't going to be a burden, if that is what you are worried about," she said ignoring my last statement. "I would be happy to listen. You were really tense."

I paused. it wasn't that I didn't. It was that I hadn't for so long, I wasn't sure I could explain everything.

"It's nothing."

"Do you have them often?"

I glanced at her. "Have what?"

"Nightmares."

I shook my head but swallowed hard. There was no point in denying it. I could tell she already was sure of her assumption. "No."

I tried to send her what I hoped was a reassuring smile, but her frown didn't let up, nor did the crease in between her eyebrows. I hooked my pinky finger around hers, and relief fled through me when her mouth twitched upwards.

She scooted towards me until we were both leaning against the headboard. Her arm was warm against mine, her body rising and falling gently with her breaths. I focused on that. Her breathing... her presence. In them, I found momentary freedom from my thoughts.

"Do you want to talk about what was in the dream?" Her voice came as a soft whisper, drowning out the images that persisted in my head.

I glanced at her, holding her gaze, and thinking about her question. I knew that she had told me about how her father had died, and even though she knew my brother had, I had yet to tell her how. Part of the reason was that it hurt to talk about it. The other was that I didn't want to trigger any sadness or pain in the similarities of the deaths of our loved ones.

I took a deep breath, and shrugged, my heart still beating way too fast.

"I saw him die." There was no easier way to put it. If there was I would have done so. Due to my closed eyes, I didn't see her tense but I felt it, and it sent a pinching feeling to my heart. "The dreams, the memories, they feel too real. They repeat over and over again, and they don't stop. No matter how much I wish they would."

I opened my eyes then, scanning the gleaming eyes that watched me, finding strength in them. There was sadness behind them too, but it wasn't pitying. Rowan shifted, moving so that she was on her side with her head propped up on her hands.

"So you do have them often?"

"Yeah," I said, deciding to tell the truth.

She took a breath. "Would it be too much for me to ask what happened?"

I said nothing for a while, feeling the heat of her gaze on my face. I swallowed. Only when she touched the back of my hand, did I decide that sharing was only fair. She had spilled her dirty laundry to me, and I had a feeling that she could handle it.

"We were in a car crash." Rowan sat up, her eyes widening slightly. Her hand slowly migrated to her mouth and she shook her head subtly. "I didn't say anything before because of the similarity, but I am sure you would have gotten it out of me eventually," I added.

"Elijah," she breathed, her voice cracking. "I can't believe you held that in, while I was probably just reminding you of all of that."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Even though I didn't like the fact that she was taking the blame, it wasn't surprising. I had never met a more selfless person.

"It's nothing like that," I assured her. "I guess I partially just wasn't ready to talk about it." She scooted closer and I searched for the right words. "My brother was looking back at me when he ran the stop sign. Every time I have the dream, it is just a constant reminder of what I could have prevented."

It was all I could think about the months after everything had happened. My parents had always told me not to distract them when they were driving. So why had I done that with Carter?

Rowan inhaled sharply. "It was not your fault." She sat up, straighter, her eyes never leaving mine."Don't do that to yourself. You can't let yourself bear the weight of guilt that isn't yours. You were eleven. Just a kid."

I tore my gaze away from hers, as a heavy pressure settled behind my eyes. I wanted to believe her. But how did one just let go of the guilt they had let fester inside for ten years? Part of me knew that it wasn't my fault, but I still felt like I had some part in causing it.

"I know that it wasn't my fault now." I cleared my throat. "But no matter how hard I have tried I still always wonder how different things could have been. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but it doesn't mean that I don't."

Especially when my dad blamed me for his death.

That was why I was so hesitant to answer his calls. My anger and my own grief would only be stirred into something worse if he confirmed what I already knew was true.

He blamed me.

A therapist couldn't fix that. I couldn't either.

I exhaled heavily. "Carter had so much life to live. He had big plans, and I was just a dumb kid wanting to play soccer all the damn time." A harsh laugh left my lips. "Everyone loved Carter. I think when he died, all my dad could see was the son he had in place of the one he wanted." Rowan watched me with wide eyes and an expression that caused me to look away.

"Don't say that." She gripped my arm gently.

Gosh, she was beautiful.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to self-destruct over it."

And I wasn't. The pain had gotten easier to deal with, even if it never became easier to know that I was here, doing the things that I love, while Carter had the chance ripped away from him before his life even started.

My chest tightened.

"Elijah."Rowan's voice cracked, and my eyes flitted to her misty ones. I sat up then. not having expected the tears. my eyebrows furrowed. " I hope you know your life isn't and wasn't worth less than your brother's. That guilt you feel, it isn't yours to bear."

"It wasn't your fault. I wish you could see that, and I am sure your father knows that." I shook my head, bringing my hands down, and meeting her eyes. I cursed myself for having put the pained expression in them. "Did he tell you that he blames you?"

My jaw tightened. I hated the vulnerability I was feeling, but something about Rowan just made me want to talk. It made me want to share the burden of all the ghosts and demons that were plagued me. To relieve the pressure they had piled on over the years, and demand that I be set free from the torturous captivity.

"He doesn't need to."

"That was him calling you last night though, right?"

I tensed, having thought she hadn't noticed. I had a feeling that she paid closer attention to things than most people did.

"Yeah." I brushed my hand through my hair. I had been surprised the first time that he had called, but the second and the third times only increased the feeling. I wasn't sure what he could possibly want to talk about after all of these years had passed. "It is hard to believe that he has anything good to say. He has always been a blunt person."

"Your father is an idiot if he blames you for what happened." Surprise ran through me at the venomous tone in her voice. "You did not cause the crash Elijah, and if he believes it, then that is his idiocy."

Rowan's arms tightened around me. I didn't notice that my body had reacted to it involuntarily, my hand trailing down her back until I felt her body relax. I paused, doing it again and wondering if I imagined the small inhale that left her body.

"Don't do that to yourself. If you continue to feel guilty for surviving, then you will never really live," she whispered. "Your brother wouldn't want that for you."

The pressure on my chest heightened.

"Carter wouldn't want you to keep looking back on the life he could've lived. Be happy for the life he did live, and never forget those memories. Whether he was with you for mere minutes or years, he was there for a reason. Honor the light he brought to your life, but don't let yourself feel guilty."

I said nothing as I let her words sink in. I wasn't sure how she did it, but as she watched me back, some of the haze, the guilt, that weighed on my mind as a constant reminder of Carter's death began to ease. I wanted to believe her, and for a second I did, losing myself in the diamond-like glint of her eyes. Even if my freedom was just for a second I wanted to hold on to it.

I wanted to hold on to her.

I scanned her face, my eyes traveling to the extension of her body in my bed, her figure graced by the moonlight. From the first day since I saw her I had been holding back, but I knew then I didn't want to anymore. It was what I assumed any man would feel if they had the chance of meeting someone like her. Except, it wasn't a random man who was lying beside her at the moment.

It was me.

Never in my life had I been more scared to be brave...more scared to act on what I wanted. I was more than a man smitten at the strike of cupid's arrow. No, now I was a man terrified of falling for someone in a matter of weeks. Terrified of the fact that I might have already fallen.

Rowan shifted beside me. "What are you thinking about?"

"You."

Her eyes widened, a shy smile replacing the surprise. It was a look that I could never get tired of.

"What are you thinking?"

"I think you know." Through the darkness I saw her lips part, the temptation they held drawing me in. "I'm wondering if it is a good idea."

My movements were slow, as I leaned closer, searching her eyes for a sign that I shouldn't do what I was intending to.

It was clear that I wasn't the only one who felt this way. I could hear it in the subtle way her breathing hitched whenever we came into physical contact. I saw it in her eyes when she had asked if Amelia was my girlfriend.

Yet there was something that always clouded her eyes as if she was holding herself back. I didn't want to push her if she wasn't at the point that I was. Even if it meant that I had to wait. She was worth it.

I leaned back slowly, as she continued to watch me, wetting her lips.

"Whatever it is, I doubt it could be a bad idea," she breathed.

I nearly passed out when she smiled.

I wasn't waiting anymore.

Rowan inhaled softly when my mouth slid over hers, drinking in the words that had been about to escape. I relished in her excited breath, allowing myself to taste her and enjoying the feel of spellbindingly soft lips. I took my own breath, capturing the soft sigh that fell from her trembling mouth before I pulled away reluctantly. My eyes tangled with hers in search of an answer I was longing to see. She bit her lip, a sheepish glow in her eyes, my quest ending in her eyes.

The sight was earth-shattering, and I barely had time to swallow down all the beauty that her smile could behold when she placed her hand on my neck and pulled me towards her. Her breath was warm as she neared, a vanilla scent wafting over me enticingly.

Our mouths met in a hot entanglement of breaths, our lips in sync just like our heartbeats. Her soft fingers danced along the base of my neck, as I leaned further into her. Her lips were softer than I had thought they would be.

They were perfect.

I pulled her close, losing myself in her presence. My hands molded around her body, folding over her supple curves as if her body was made for me.

Damn.

There had been so many moments I had wanted to kiss her before now. At Hayden's place. At her apartment. Five minutes ago. I had held back then. But I couldn't any longer. When Rowan pulled back slowly, her eyes remained closed.

"What was that for?" Her voice was a whisper when she finally revealed the beautiful crystal orbs that I was intoxicatingly drawn to.

"Me?" I whispered, my smile uncontrollable. I was a goner. "You kissed me back."

"Well, you kissed me first."

I shrugged. I sure had.

"Nothing. Everything," I said, feeling as if I was on cloud nine. "I'm just doing what I should've done last night. That is what I was thinking about, and nothing else."

I swore that the heavens opened and angels sang when a soft smile graced her face. She bit down on her lower lip, and I had to tell myself to pull it together. My heartbeat became even more erratic as she brought her head down, her lips brushing over mine, once, before they parted.

She led the kiss, her movements slow as if she was testing the feel of mine out. Shifting, I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her closer. I held in a groan when her hands burrowed into my hair.

Rowan stole my air as she chased my lips with hers. But I didn't need to breathe. Not as long as I had her. I tried to commit the taste of her to memory, as I inhaled the breathy noise that fell from her mouth, before bitting down on her bottom lip. It was as supple as I imagined, causing my heart to clamor in my chest. I took my chances, my tongue grazing hers when she opened her mouth. It was a subtle touch, yet earth-shattering all the same.

In kissing Rowan, I found my salvation.

I had been drowning, and she was my saving grace.

She tugged on my hair gently and I couldn't contain the deep sound that emancipated my lips as the sensation that ensued.

Restraint.

I had never known just how much I could have until her. There I was trying to be a gentleman, but she was making it hard. I groaned as she ran her hands up my torso, her soft fingers tracing silent whispers across my skin. The grey-eyed woman had always been a drug. But now she was mine and I was addicted.

"Rowan," I whispered, hating the words that were about to come out of my mouth. "I think we should stop." Our movements slowed, both of us breathing heavily as I leaned back reluctantly. I opened my eyes, my breathing heavy as my eyes trained on her lips. "Don't get me wrong, I could kiss you all day, Sweetheart, but I want you to know that I respect you. I don't want to move too fast."

"You know...you're kind of perfect."

Her eyes widened as soon as she said it, almost as if she hadn't meant to. An embarrassed expression formed in her eyes, as she pressed her lips together.

Although, I was nowhere near that. But hearing her say so made me feel a little less flawed inside.

"Finally, I have been trying to get you to admit that for forever now." I hoped the joke would ease some of her shyness. It needed to go away because now that I had kissed her, I wasn't planning on stopping anytime soon. Rowan rolled her eyes, but my smile only grew. "Love, I have been waiting to do that for a long time now." I was unashamed in saying it. "And that was significantly better than anything I had imagined." Her cheeks reddened, only adding to her beauty.

"You have been waiting to kiss me?"

"Darn straight I have."

A small laugh escaped her lips, shifting my focus back to her lips. My gaze flew back to her eyes after a second passed.

"Thank you," I said, after a moment, meaning my words.

She tilted her head, light shining in her eyes. "For what?"

"For being you."