Lying on my back on my bed, I stare at the ceiling. I don't know how long I've been like that, because it feels like eternity. A very fucked up eternity. A lonely and totally useless eternity. Nothing makes sense without her. I have no purpose, no happiness. Nothing. I'm the biggest idiot in the world for letting this happen, and I deserve her anger and her hatred. Accepting what I have done to us doesn't make things easier though.

The first time I tried calling her was when I got into my car after my plane landed. I was so excited, anticipating my time with her and talking about our future. Immediately getting her voicemail felt worse than any cold shower. I tried sending her messages, but they didn't go through also. The only possible conclusion was one I had no desire to acknowledge. I didn't want to believe she blocked my number. And yet... she did.

I called Clay when I was on my way home, and my best friend acted as anyone would have acted having both Ava and me as their friends. He didn't pick sides, he tried not to get involved. He congratulated me on signing my contract, told me that my habit of hiding things, even from my closest friends, is ridiculous and also... he refused to tell me where Ava is. Just like that. 'Sorry, man, I don't know what you did, but I do know she doesn't want to talk to you.' Thank fuck for that, dude. I didn't think things could get any worse, until I stepped inside my apartment. There was no trace of her, all her belongings had disappeared and seeing that, my heart sunk lower. The heaviness of my decision not to tell her on Monday about my trip to San Jose was preventing me from breathing freely. My fuckup was huge.

Knocking on the door of her family home, I felt like a little kid who did something really bad and was going to have to face his parents, anticipating their punishment. I honestly expected Dax to kick me out, but instead he let me in and even invited me to the living room to have a talk. The disappointment I saw in his eyes was the worst. He had faith in me and I failed him. I was an asshole.

I explained to him where I was, why I didn't tell Ava about it and also told him I would do anything for his daughter... and our baby. Dax didn't say much, letting me talk and listening to me. The only thing he said was this 'Ava has trust issues. You made her feel abandoned, made her believe you didn't care about her. Yes, it's not like that in reality, but you left her when she was in a really vulnerable state. It will be hard to make her listen to you... I hope you're ready.' I was ready, or so I thought.

Her telling me to go away, telling me she hates me and wants to forget everything we had broke my heart in two. Her tears and how miserable she looked added heaviness to my chest, and for one moment I thought I would suffocate. I was making sure I would have everything to support her, to secure our future together... but she didn't know that. She thought I got scared and ran away like a coward, and from her point of view it definitely looked like that. What the fuck did I do?!

My alarm goes off and I slowly stand up from my bed. I'm dragging my feet, heading to the bathroom. I can't even imagine what today is going to be like. I honestly just want to see her. To talk to her if I'm lucky. I need a chance to explain myself, nothing else. I know we will be able to deal with everything, but only if she listens to me. I never plan to leave her... she's way more important to me than she realizes. She's my fucking life and it's time for her to know that. Keeping my feelings to myself damaged our relationship just as much as my silence about my trip to San Jose. I need to fix it.

🏒💥🏒💥🏒

Stepping into the cafeteria, I halt in my tracks. My girl knows perfectly how to avoid me, and it's the first time I finally get to see her today. At fucking lunch! She's with the Benson siblings, and she doesn't look sad at all. She is laughing at something Layla says and shakes her head, patting Drake on his shoulder as he sits by her side. Jealousy quickly spreads through my veins, warming my skin and turning my brain into a fucking jelly. I hate how affectionate they are, especially when I'm not allowed to even speak to her. Dammit!

"Colt?" I turn my head and meet my best friend's gaze. It's full of pity, and something really close to regret. Why? "I promised Layla that I would have lunch with her."

"And with Ava and Drake." I grit through my teeth, and Clay's fingers fly to his hair. He scratches his head, looking incredibly uncomfortable.

"Yeah..." He chews on his bottom lip, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. "What did you do, dude? The second I mentioned you, Layla was ready to bite my head off."

Was she? The last time we saw each other outside Ava's room, she told me to get lost in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and never bother her best friend again. As if I can do that! She is my whole fucking world and I feel empty without her. "It's between Ava and me."

"Did you hide your news about the Sharks from her too?" Clay fishes for more info, and I only purse my lips tighter. He notices it and sighs loud, interpreting my silence right. "You're a fucking idiot, Thompson."

"Thanks, Captain Obvious." I blurt out and storm out of the cafeteria. I'm not really hungry anymore. My anxiety is the only thing feeding me, and I can't say I have anything against it.

🏒💥🏒💥🏒

It's official. I'm a freaking stalker. I've been following her everywhere, trying to be as discreet as possible. Either I'm good at it, or she just doesn't care because she hasn't acknowledged my presence even once. Focused, relaxed and smiley. That's how she is today, while I'm a total mess, I remind myself of a string ready to blow up any moment and a fucking mood-killer. Oh, and also I'm a jealous masochist, one who loves to torture myself with any and all possible scenarios... the negative ones only. Drake, her classmates awoke a green-eyed monster in me, and it's a miracle I haven't tried anything on them. She would have never listened to me if I did.

Stepping out of the building, I look up at the sky and frown even more. It's going to rain, and I'm not a fucking fan. The possibility of Ava getting in my car so we can talk is close to zero, and I definitely don't want her to be caught in the rain. I better hurry up!

Rushing down the stairs, I speed up and go after her. She's strolling in the direction of her dorm, swaying her hips and humming something under her breath. Ava is in her element, and my heart swells with happiness just looking at her. It's another reminder of what a strong girl she is. Confident and sassy, independent and always ready to stand up for herself. Since meeting her, I'm 'a one person' type of a guy, and I'm hella sure I won't love anyone else. Ever.

I line up with Ava and she doesn't even glance in my direction. I reach over to her ear and pull out her AirPod, stopping her in her tracks at once. She turns to me and peels her eyes to my face. My girl is furious but it really makes her even more beautiful to me. Those puffy lips are smacked into a pout, her gorgeous green eyes are narrowed and shooting daggers at me. She cares enough to be angry with me, and it's the only sign I need.

"Can we talk?"

"No." She tries snatching her AirPod back from me, but I hide it in my fist. You're not getting rid of me so easily, girl. She rolls her eyes, and says, "Whatever."

Ava twirls around and resumes her walk, as if nothing happened. I clench my jaw, squeezing my fist harder around her earbud. Damn you! I take off, catching up with her again. "Ava, we need to talk."

"Why?"

"We're in this together. It's our baby." This time I get her undivided attention and also fury. She stops and faces me, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I am in this alone. You're free to go back to San Jose or wherever you want. I don't care."

"I went there to sign my contract. It was about my career, and it also was about our future!"

"There is no 'our future', Colton. You're leaving as soon as this school year is over. You're going pro, while I-"

"Come with me?" I interrupt her and her jaw drops open. Her eyes go round, as she gawks at me in bewilderment. "You can transfer to another college. Or just skip a year until our baby is old enough-"

"What makes you think I'm going to give birth to this baby?" Ava asks, her voice trembling.

I take a step closer, taking her chin between my fingers. "Because I know you..."

We stare at each other, keeping silent. Though my heart is going insane in my chest. It beats so loud and so strong, so I really feel as if I'm setting myself up to have a heart attack at a young age. All because of her. My words linger between us, as I wait for her to say something. Anything.

"You don't." She finally mutters and takes a step back, letting my hand drop off her face. "I knew you were going to leave, and I was happy for you and your future no matter what because you're talented and playing hockey is your life. I would have never thrown a fit just because you're moving forward. I would have supported you through and through. That's what people do, Colton, when they care about others. While you... you didn't think about anyone except yourself."

"That's bullshit. Are you a mind reader?" I snap, and at that moment lightning crosses the sky. "How do you know anything about my reaction when Jordan told me about your pregnancy?"

"If you cared, you would have found a way to contact me. On your way to your father. On your way to the airport. On your way to your hotel." She exclaims, spitting words like venom, ones that I fully deserve. My desire to stay focused backfired on me. "Just to make sure I knew you weren't running away... that you're not leaving me alone in this. I would have been angry with you for not telling me beforehand, because everyone would have reacted the same... but I would have known that you were going to come back and we would talk. You did nothing."

"I know... some habits die hard, Ava. I'm used to keeping things to myself unless they concern others. Yes, I delayed talking to you till the very last minute, but I wanted you to know. I went to your dorm, hoping to see you during your break-"

"Instead you saw my bitch of a roommate, found out about my pregnancy and carried on with your plans as if nothing changed." She drags her eyes down my form and then back to my face. "Screw you, Thompson. Go fuck someone else, I don't care."

Ava storms off as I'm trying to calm my fired up nerves. It's not working, at all. "Everything changed." I bellow, running after her and catching her elbow. I wheel her around and bend my head down to have a better look at her face. "Everything changed once I knew you were pregnant! The only thought I had was that I needed to secure my future for US!"

"There is no US, Colton!" She says angrily, and the first rain drop falls on her face. "I don't want to have anything in common with someone, as selfish as you are!"

"I am selfish?" I mumble in disbelief. "The second I heard from your roommate about your pregnancy my mind started producing all possible solutions. Yes, I was going to San Jose to sign the contract, but I still wasn't a hundred percent sure it would happen. Something could have gone wrong, and I would have needed to look for another option... including working for my dad."

Ava pinches her brows together, biting the inner side of her bottom lip. She's a reasonable person, and that's exactly why I wanted us to talk. She will understand. "Don't tell me you even THOUGHT about working for your father."

"I not only thought about it, I even asked him if I could work for him if something went wrong with hockey. I wanted to be sure I would be able to support you and our baby. It's the only thing that matters."

The rain drops become heavier, more consistent. So many emotions change on her beautiful face and I can't look away. Ava is stunning even when she's angry or confused, sad or happy. She's the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

"You love hockey." She whispers, a crease between her eyebrows deepens. "And you hate your father..."

"I don't really hate him." I tell her, reaching over to her face and wiping away the rain drops. "My talk with him was refreshing and kind of eye-opening. We're good."

Her eyes are tearful, as she vigorously chews on her bottom lip. I hurt her, and there is nothing I can do to change that. Yet I can do better, and she knows it. Within these months I spent with her, I became a totally different person. For her and because of her. I'm not afraid to open up, to show my affection and finally confess my feelings... The L word doesn't seem as useless as it did before in my eyes. The old me would have laughed just from the perspective of it, the new me is desperate for her love as if it's the sole reason for my existence.

"I messed up, and I'm incredibly sorry for that. I shouldn't have hidden my news from you, I shouldn't have left you without saying anything... While making sure I would have the means to financially support you and our baby I almost ruined what we have."

"Almost?" She quirks an eyebrow, sniffing loudly. And just like that I know it's my Ava talking to me. Witty, with a smart mouth and also vulnerable. My girl... my only source for happiness.

"Almost." I state, inhaling deeply. "I love you, Ava. I love you more than fucking hockey and for someone like me, I even sound like a raving of a lunatic. If anything, I'm obsessed with you because any time I get to taste you, I crave you even more. And more. And more. You are the only girl I want, the only one I will ever need. And I will do anything for you to give me another chance. Please, Ava..."

She lowers her eyes to the ground without saying a word. An empty and glassy stare is definitely not what I expected in return after telling her I love her. My visit to her hometown comes back to mind, and her father's image pops up in my head. Dax told me to be patient with her when I left their house on Saturday. He told me not to give up on her. To give her space and time to figure out what she wants... and I only hope she wants the same thing as me. Us. Together. Always.

"Do you have practice today?" Ava asks, boring her gaze into me.

"Yeah, in an hour. I-I will be free around 7pm."

"Okay." She takes a step back, and I instantly feel incredibly lonely. Babe... give me a chance, please. "See you later then."

Ava turns around and heads to the dorm, as I continue staring at her, hopelessly squeezing her AirPod in my fist. The rain turns into a downpour, soaking my clothes and my hair, but I feel nothing. Our talk definitely didn't go as I hoped... at all.