《SIN-BIN》9. Breathe in, Breathe out
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I sit on the floor with my back pressed against a wall. My eyes are closed, and I just listen to the music. The sound of a guitar reverberates through my body, bringing every nerve to life. 'I think I'm Okay' plays at the highest volume, but I don't pay any attention to it. I try to silence all these people who surround me in this stupid place. I shut my eyes tighter because I don't want to cry anymore. I'm tired of these flooding waters leaving my eyes without stopping. I just want my life back. The one where I was a happy freshman, excited about her first year in college, and not this mess it has become.
The first week after the party was strange. I heard people whispering behind my back and saw them pointing in my direction. When I would walk into a room, everyone would fall silent. I was like a bath plug, shutting down every conversation. A few of my classmates stopped talking to me, and one even refused to be my study partner in one of my classes. I took it all well. Like, okay, I can handle it. The silent treatment and gossip didn't really bother me. I was hoping that soon everyone would forget about it and move on, but from the look of it I was wrong.
This week... God... It was torture. On Monday, some bitch spilled a cup of iced coffee on my clothes. She tripped in front of me and made it look like it was an accident. She apologized and I brushed it off, trying to convince myself that I believed her. Even when Drake saw me afterwards, I told him that I did it myself. Just clumsy Ava, nothing else. It was a one-time thing, so I didn't think I should make something more of it than it was. Yet, on Wednesday, another girl poured an orange juice all over my head when I was climbing the stairs to class. She rushed to me, saying how sorry she was and even suggested taking me back to my dorm so I could change, but... I wasn't buying it. My clothes were ruined twice and it didn't look like a coincidence anymore. Though only my torn essay helped me to figure out what it was about.
It was all because of Thompson. They thought he hated me and wanted to show him where their loyalty was, humiliating me. In reality? They were just bunch of stupid hoes. Bullies. I didn't exist for this dude. I hadn't seen him even once since the dinner at the diner. They were making fun of me because they thought it was entertaining, asserting themselves at my expense, a newbie who crossed paths with the wrong guy. He kinda drew a target on my back, making me a punching bag for everyone in college. Just... if I knew the consequences of my actions, I would have never slapped Thompson or given him the middle finger at the party. I would have stayed away and out of his line of sight all year. I would give anything to change this. I would have done anything.
Someone pats me on my shoulder, and I jerk away on instinct. I open my eyes and meet Baker's gaze. Another motherfucker who I can't stand. What does he want from me?! My music stops and I take one of my AirPods out of my ear. "Hey Ava."
"Hey." I mumble quietly.
"I was on my way from my classes when I noticed you." He smiles, lowering himself near me. "How are you?"
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"I'm fine." I don't want to look at him, so I just stare in front of me and don't add anything.
"You somehow look sad." Baker adds, forcing me to glance at him. I don't talk to anyone about my problems, not even Layla. Though, it's not like she has time for me. Her responsibilities on the cheerleading squad have taken up a lot of her free time over the past two weeks.
"I just don't feel well." I shrug, using the answer that I give to everyone. "Girl stuff."
"So, it doesn't have anything to do with Kim tearing your essay and saying that it was an accident?" He cocks an eyebrow at me, and I want to vomit. Does everyone know already? "I'm just very observant, that's all. Plus, you're kinda on my radar..."
"I don't care about it." I snap, standing up to my feet. Ugh! Again! I'm so angry right now, so I'm ready to kick someone. Or something.
"People think Thompson hates you, but also you're like a new toy for them to play with..." Baker joins me, bending down and taking my backpack in his hands. "An outcast they can do whatever they want with."
"My backpack. Please." I extend my hand.
"I loved how you pulled Kim's hair today. She deserved it." He murmurs, inching closer. "Also, it was so hot..."
"Thanks." I grab my backpack from his grip and take a step back. "Bye."
Turning around, I stomp away from him. I have another class in 15 minutes, so I really need to get going. "Ava, wait!" He runs after me, and I roll my eyes. This guy doesn't know how to take a hint, does he? "Will you come to the game next week?"
"Ha!" It's so sudden that I even clamp my hand over my mouth. He looks confused with his brow pinched together. "Of course not!"
"To the party after the game?"
"No." I shake my head no.
"Erm... Any chance I can change your mind?" He invades my personal space again, but I back away quickly.
"No." I twirl around and march to class, and this time he doesn't follow me. Though, it doesn't fool me. He's not going to give up any time soon. Just like Clay. I hate my life!
After my class is over, I walk to the cafeteria lost in my thoughts. Lunch time is the only time for me to see my best friend. It's rare so I cherish it, even if I know that I am keeping secrets from her. More and more often. Suddenly, something cold hits my skin and I yelp. The fuck?! I stare at my tee and it's like I'm a character from the Glee tv-show. A fucking slushy!
Looking up, I meet Jordan's gaze. She stands right in front of me with a happy grin on her stupid face. "Are you fucking insane?!" I hiss, but she only snorts.
"Just wanted to try... you know..." She glances over her shoulder, then peers at me. "It's working... Now, he knows I'm with him... and I don't support you in any way. Even if we're roommates."
My chest suddenly is so heavy. I'm starting to suffocate. I open my mouth, but don't say anything. Tears burn my eyes. This humiliation is becoming harder and harder to deal with. It's the first time in my life when people are treating me like I'm some useless being, just because some arrogant prick doesn't get along with me.
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"Fuck you!" I storm past her, heading to the bathroom. Everyone is watching me. EVERYONE! I see their smirks. I hear their laughs and I want to disappear. I want to be as far away as possible from this place. I want to be back at home, in my room, knowing that I can find comfort in my father's arms. I just want to feel safe again.
Barreling through the crowd, I halt in my tracks as if I hit a wall, just a few steps away from the bathroom. He stands there with his hands hidden in his pockets, his gaze is heavy, and it focuses on me. I feel the urge to slap him in the face, kick him in his groin or just show him my middle finger yet again. It's within me and it's strong, but I ignore it. It's the first time we have seen each other in two weeks, and I can honestly say... I would have loved not to see him for even longer.
I resume my walk, grab the doorknob, and open the door wide. It closes with a bang behind me, while I stroll to the mirror. As soon as my eyes land on my reflection, I want to bawl. Literally. My tee is ruined. This fucking slushy is blue, and on my white tee it looks like an alien. I suck in the air, pulling my t-shirt over my head leaving me in only my bra. At this point, I don't frigging care if someone sees me in my lingerie. I just want to try and save one of my favorite tees. Maybe it will be possible to fix it before the stain sets?
I open the tap and shove my tee under the flowing water. I wipe it off, over and over again, rubbing the clothing with only one thought in mind - I want to go home tomorrow. I want to see my dad and be his little girl, nothing else. The door opens and I brace myself for jokes or insults. Though the moment I lock my eyes with the person who walked into the bathroom through the reflection in the mirror, I'm furious. What the hell does he want from me?! His fucking fan club is already making my life unbearable. Did he come to rub salt into the wound?
Averting my gaze, I just wash slushy off my tee and keep silent. I literally bite my tongue, only to hold back the words that desperately want to find their way out. I don't want to make my days at college even worse than they already are. Thompson is fully capable of making that happen. Experience has shown, he doesn't even need to say anything to anyone. Just... Why does he hate me so much? Ugh!
I feel his gaze all over me. His eyes travel down my form, taking in every little detail. I was in such a hurry to take off my t-shirt that I didn't even think about the underwear I'm wearing. It's a beige pink push-up bra and my breasts look great in it, but I'm suddenly very conscious. Of all people, he's the last person on earth I want to see my lingerie. I already feel vulnerable and being half-naked doesn't help either.
"What happened?" His voice is quieter than I expect. He stops just behind my back, and goosebumps spread across my skin.
"Nothing." I grit through my teeth. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing that his minions are ruining my life.
"Why did she throw her drink on your clothes?" He sounds strange. Almost like he cares...
I shake my head vigorously, trying to get rid of the stupid idea. The guy has such a big ego that he still can't forget about the slap. The one that no one even knows about except a few people. People who won't say anything to anyone. Or is it about me flipping him off? If so, then he's even more arrogant than I think he is.
"Why did she do that?" Thompson takes a step closer, putting both of his hands on the sink, trapping me in his embrace. My insides flare up and blush creeps on my cheeks. What the hell is he doing?!
"She's not the first one." I mutter, trying to focus on the task at hand. Though, it's hard. His proximity and his scent have started to affect me... He smells nice, very nice, and I want to close my eyes and inhale... I bite my inner cheek, to bring me back to my senses. He's a stupid fucker. I can't be attracted to him. "I'm starting to get used to it."
"Meaning?" He asks, his voice cracking. He sounds surprised, and it only proves my theory. He has no idea what his groupies are doing to me.
"I know how to wash an iced coffee from my clothes and orange juice from my hair... How to fix my essay even if it was torn up into pieces..." I shut my eyes because my voice starts trembling. I take a deep breath and look at him through the mirror. "That's my life now."
"Why?" Thompson narrows his eyes on me.
"Because your fan club thinks that by making fun of me, humiliating me... they are doing you a favor." I know that it's not only about him. They just need someone to be their victim... but he's the one who started it.
"My fan club?" He blinks, stepping back and I suddenly feel lonely. I want him back so close to me.
"You're a popular guy. A lot of girls want to date you, or just sleep with you..." I explain, wondering why I even need to tell him that. He doesn't look like an idiot who doesn't know the power he has over people in this place. Or am I reading him wrong? "After you kicked me out, they all think I offended you or something... I'm a pet they can humiliate and no one says the word in my defence."
"Wait..." He mumbles, frowning. "They are doing this to you because of me?"
I roll my eyes, turning off the tap and examining my t-shirt. Nothing can save it. Its place is in the trash. "You're pretty slow," I say, turning around and pulling my wet tee back on. Instead of having lunch with Layla, I will have to go back to the dorm and change my clothes. "Yes, Thompson, they are doing this to me because of you."
"This is bullshit." He shakes his head. "I never asked..."
"You sure are an idiot." I muse, feeling anger overwhelming me. "People at the party saw what you did. They think I wronged you. And for them... it's enough of a reason to attack me any chance they get. You don't even need to ask them. You gave them the target for their stupid games."
"Why didn't Drake tell me? I could have fixed it a long time ago." He whisper-yells at me, and it makes me even more furious.
"Because I haven't told him." I retort, grabbing my backpack from the floor.
The door opens and a girl rushes inside, instantly stopping in her tracks as soon as her eyes land on Thompson and me. Her jaw drops down as she gapes at us in silence.
"Get out!" He orders her, returning his attention to me. She doesn't exist for him anymore. I watch the girl in amusement. If it were me, I would have sent him packing. Yet, she nods her head and a second later she's gone.
"It's a woman's bathroom." I hiss, but he doesn't hear me. He takes a step closer, hovering over me.
"You haven't even told Layla about this? Because I'm sure if she knew, her brother would have known it too."
"They don't know." I repeat, stomping my foot and feeling small. He reminds me of Drake a lot. A fucking wall in front of me.
"If I'm an idiot, then you're an arrogant piece of shit." Thompson bends his head down, looking me in the eyes. "Were you too humiliated to tell your best friend what these people are doing to you? Was it too embarrassing to ask for help?"
I gawk at him, my eyes wide like saucers. Pursing my lips, I ball my fists. I dig my nails in my flesh, only to stop myself from hitting him. It's the only thing I want to do.
"Fuck you!" I shout, turn around and stalk into the nearest stall. Slamming the door behind me and pressing my back to it, I close my eyes. Calming myself down is a priority, because if not... I'm afraid to even imagine what I will do to him. Or to anyone who tries talking to me.
I hear his steps and then the door closing. I'm finally alone, but it doesn't bring me any solace. This guy... He's a fucking nightmare! One second, he acts like he cares, the next second he is insulting me... Though, I am not a saint either. I also call him names, even if I know how short-tempered he is. He could have helped me... Just... ugh!
I take my phone out of my pocket and look down at the screen. I have 20 minutes before my last class for today starts, so I better get going. I quickly swipe a message from Layla away. I will read it later. Right now, my studies are way more important. Breathe in, breathe out, Ava. You've got this.
Opening the door, I saunter out of the bathroom and head straight to the exit. People are here and there, hanging out. They still look at me, but at least I don't hear any laughs anymore. Only whispers and murmurs. Did he say something once he walked out of the bathroom? I want him to make things right for me, but why should he? If he really can't stand me, then he won't be doing anything to make my life easier. And I... I can understand that. I'm vindictive too, just maybe not like that.
I hold my head high, and with each step I feel better. I'm not a fragile little girl. I'm strong and confident. What goes around, comes around and it means... they all will have their appointment with karma, now or later, but they will. It's a bitch, but it always makes you pay for your wrongdoings, and I honestly can't wait for them to fail. Including him... I fucking hate him!
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