Jayden's POV

"What the hell is this, Isabella?" I shout at her again, making her jerk back in fear.

I haven't eaten all day and now that I have the appetite to eat something, she has ruined it.

"I'm so…so..sorry", she apologizes with her eyes closed.

She knows how much I hate clumsiness and this is what she is doing now. I am not mad at the fact that there is water all over me but my food is ruined in addition to my loss of appetite.

I could barely eat for almost two days now and I wonder when my appetite will be back again now that it is gone.

In anger, I twirl back and walk to the closet. I should take a shower. I didn't intend to take a shower because I was too tired and hungry. I wanted to eat and go to bed but now I won't be able to sleep until I take a shower.

I grab the towel and walk to the bathroom. When I am inside with the door locked, I exhale deeply, feeling guilty for shouting at her.

Maybe I should have used the bell in the room to alert the maids to get me my food instead of sending Isabella downstairs to get it for me. Or I should have just gone downstairs myself to eat. Maybe this wouldn't have happened.

I exhale again, unbuttoning my sleep shirt and pulling it off. I get out of the shorts too before turning off the shower.

The hot water hits my head first, before dropping to every part of my body, making me shut my eyes and expelling deep sighs of relief.

The past few days have been hard for me. It was more like going back to my shell. The shell of guilt.

I didn't see the need to smile or be happy. Before Isabella came into the picture, Gabriel was always there to cheer me up whenever he noticed my mood.

Since I no longer go to clubs, he always suggests he comes over to my house and we discuss into the night but now that we are both married, we have put a stop to all of that and I miss him.

I miss the serious Gabriel. Not the playful one.

He knows the right word to use to cheer me up. He knows how best to make me feel better.

Sometimes, I like the fact that I am miserable but other times, I wish I could stop it. I wish I could stop the guilt eating me up.

Without using soap, I wash my face with my hands before moving my hands to rub other parts of my body.

When I am done, I turn the shower off and this is when it hits me.

I have been crying.

The tears have been mixing with the shower water all along but now that the shower is off, the tears are nonstop. They are hot and filled with painful stories and memories that I want to forget and forgive myself for.

I wish I could turn back the hands of the clock. I wish things were different. I wish I was more understanding and sincere. Maybe this wouldn't have happened and the woman in my room now would still be Helena and not Isabella.

Maybe we would have given birth to more kids as we have always wanted. Maybe I wouldn't have this dislike for kids.

Just maybe. Maybe things would have been different.

I squat down, a deep wrenching pain hitting my guts and sinking deep into me, letting a loud yelp escape my mouth and more tears flowing down my eyes.

I don't want this.

I don't want to feel this guilt anymore. I want to heal. I am tired of being miserable. I am exhausted from all of this and I want nothing but peace with myself and the ability to forgive myself for all I have done.

In fury, I get up and face the mirror. Staring back at me is no one but the monster who caused his fiancée's death and their unborn child.

My breathing becomes heavy and the tear does not cease. I raise my fist and smash it into the mirror, breaking it into pieces while they pierce my skin.

I want it all out.

Not bothering about nakedness, I drive my injured fist back into the wall, hitting the wall severally with both hands as my anger builds up to the highest momentum.

Bloody red colors splash the wall, making a flash of what happened come to my head.

The blood that came out of her head, even though her eyes were still open. The way she tried to say something to me. How she tried to hold onto me before death stole her away and left me broken.

I loved her. I didn't mean for her to die. We had many plans. We wanted to have as many kids as possible.

We tried so hard to make things work. She was gentle. I was stubborn. She was understanding but I wasn't. She was honest but I was insincere. She was sweet and I was nothing but wicked till the very end.

I scream and bury my face in the stained wall, crying hard like a child deprived of his sweet.

I haven't cried for two years. I haven't felt this much agony in two years. I thought I was strong but I am not.

I have just been pretending to have it all in control. I have just been pretending to have a hold on my emotions.

I scream again, pushing myself further into the wall, wishing for it to open and swallow me in so this can end.

The door makes a sound and reality crash on me that I am not alone in here. I am not alone. Isabella is here and she must have heard it all.

I stop struggling and quiet down, breathing heavily and wiping my tears with the back of my hand.

I turn to the shower and put it on again to wash everything.

The blood.

The tears.

The agony.

The anguish.

The pain.

I use the un-injured hand to rub the other hand which is injured. It hurts a lot because of the piercings but I needed to wash away the blood so Isabella won't notice a thing.

I splash water on the wall too to wipe out the evidence of going ballistic for a moment in the bathroom.

When I am done, I turn off the shower again and wrap the towel around me before walking out.

"Jayden, are you ok?" I meet Isabella halfway. She must have been pacing to and fro, wondering why I was screaming in the bathroom.

Without giving her any response, I walk to the closet to search for another pair of sleepwear when she rushes to me.

"You are bleeding?" She shouts as she grabs my hand with her eyes almost popping out of her eyes socket.

This is when I see that washing off the blood did no good. Blood has been trailing off my hand right from when I stepped out of the bathroom.

I wrench my hand from her hold. "I'm fine."

She gasps again. "There is blood on your forehead", she grabs my head to examine it. "What have you done to yourself?"

I try to take her hands off me but she seems to have a strong hold on me. She is examining it like a mother taking care of her child's wounds.

"I'm fine, Isabella," I say with a raised voice when I eventually free myself from her hold.

"Oh, goodness!" She staggers back and I turn to see tears rolling down her eyes. I furrow my brows.

Thinking it is the sight of the blood that is causing her to become teary, I quickly wear a short and remove my towel to wipe the blood she said was on my forehead

Did I injure my forehead too? Maybe it was when I was smashing my head on the wall.

There was blood indeed but I don't feel any pain there except for my hands.

Before I can say a word of assurance to Isabella, she runs to the door and dashes out.

I sigh loudly.

Maybe she can't stand the sight of blood.

I wasn't in my right sense by doing all of that shit thinking it will take the pain away. It will only make me feel worse. This was the same thing that happened when she died.

I didn't feel better.

I don't feel better now.

I only feel relieved that I have inflicted pain on myself. As a punishment for my mistakes.

I wipe the towel over my forehead again and it got stained with blood.

I should call the doctor, I say to myself.

Probably a video call with the doctor to know what I can do to stop the bleeding. This isn't good.

My hand hurt a lot. Picking up a clean sheet, I pull it over my head and walk to the bed slowly to grab my phone.

I sit on the bed in tiredness when a sudden wave of dizziness sweeps through me. I begin to feel a slight headache.

Then it turns into banging.

I groan as I hold my head in between the two palms, letting go of my phone.

What have I done to myself? I ask inwardly at the same time the door opens again.

I look up to see Isabella rushing back in without shoes but with a box of first aid. The dizziness hits me hard again and I fall on my back.

"Jayden!" I hear her call as she hurries next to me on the bed. She shakes my body. "Jayden!"

I don't answer before I am thinking that death is here to take me away, just like it took Helena away.

This is what I deserve, right?

I want to say something to her. To tell her not to cry but the moment her tears drop on my face, my lips part in shock and my eyes begin to close slowly on their own accord.

"Jayden, please stay! I'm sorry!" Isabella cries, tears streaming down her eyes.

This is the last thing I hear before I give in to the darkness that evades every part of my body and soul.

****

What is happening to our handsome Jayden?

Please don't die. Isabella needs you😅

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