"How far are you Chalynn?" Dr. Smith asked, Lay had taken that card and went to see one of the school's therapists. She was extremely overwhelmed at the moment and with that little attack she had yesterday she needed to see somebody as soon as possible. She refused to lose another baby.

"I am around 13 weeks pregnant." She smiled, her children were the only things bringing her joy. She hadn't heard back from Key yet about the results on Eli and she was grateful for that. For not knowing.

"Okay, and how's that going for you?" Dr. Smith wrote down how happy it made her talk about her baby.

"It's going pretty well, I was carrying twins but due to high levels of stress and high blood pressure I lost one." The room grew silent but only the sound of his pen on paper could be heard.

"How did you feel when that happened?" Dr. Smith looked up from his notepad.

"Like I have no control over anything in my life. I felt as if I wasn't worthy enough to take care of two more lives. This wasn't my first time miscarrying. I didn't even know I could carry any more babies if we're being honest." Lay looked down at her nails, she was going to tell him something she had never told anybody before.

"Do you want to elaborate on that? Only if you're comfortable." He meant that he wanted his patients to feel as safe as possible with him.

"I don't mind but if I cry I apologize in advance." She giggled feeling herself get emotional just thinking about it.

"Crying is a sign of healing." He grabbed the box of tissues and handed them to Lay.

"When I was 15 or 16 I can't remember, my mother ..." Lay cleared her throat, "Let me start from the beginning. My mom and I used to have a really good relationship until my dad left us when Marlee, my little sister was 10. By the time I was 15 or 16 my mom hated me and I never understood why and I still don't. She got addicted to drugs, so I was working at Kroger trying to make ends meet. One night I came home and a man was waiting for me on the doorstep. He told me, that my mom needed me to run a quick errand with him. Being 'sheltered' until my mom was on drugs I thought he was telling me the truth. I went inside and spoke to my mom, and she said it was okay I went with him." Lay paused, her hands that she was currently looking at became blurry and her eyes burned from how fast the tears were coming down.

"Take your time."

"He took me to an abandoned alley and he raped me. Multiple times on different days. So badly that my abdomen became enlarged for a year after because of the constant force and pressure. That resulted in pregnancy, and I was going to keep it. I didn't find out until later that my mother was paid by that man to rape me. I found out when she found out I was pregnant. She tied me to the bedpost and repeatedly .." Lay's voice trailed off as she wailed in sadness.

Sad for herself, her future children, and any other woman. Dr. Smith had to suck in a deep breath because of how traumatic this story was.

"If you want to stop, you're more than welcome to." Dr. Smith's voice was that of a comforting father. Something Lay can't remember.

"No, I need to get this out. She would drop a brick directly on my stomach. Every 30 minutes, until blood trickled between my legs and then an hour after that there was a blob. All while keeping Marlee away from the house. Which I was grateful for because I couldn't imagine how traumatizing it would've been for her to hear me scream the way I did." She wiped her face with the balled-up tissue in her hand.

"You mentioned another miscarriage? Before I respond I want to see something."

"Yes, after that incident we never spoke on it again nor did she put me for sale. Her drug habit got worst to the where Marlee wasn't eating, she didn't have shelter. Almost immediately after I graduated high school, I went to college almost graduated and had to leave to support Marlee. During that time I met Bryson, and fell in love only for him to be the worst thing that ever happened to me. Very physically abusive, I'm sure you saw it in the news. Well, he had me gang raped. I still have the scars on my body from where they cut me. One of them impregnated me, and because of the trauma from my first miscarriage, I didn't say anything. The physical and mental abuse made me lose that baby." Lay sniffled, it felt good to cry out some of this trauma.

"What about this baby's father?" He was only prying because he was noticing a pattern.

"Oh, Markeyvius. Everything started great. He hid the fact that he had a baby from me which I understood because he's famous. He went ghost on me, which I understood because he was on tour. He was in a room with a stripper, to which they both came out smiling. I understood because he told me he loved me. I even stayed home to take care of his baby! I found out that I was pregnant, and he left me for the same stripper that he told me not to worry about. I found out he was bipolar, I was there for every single fucking episode. His baby mother dropped his daughter off on my step, I took custody. Because I love him and her. I slept with him again, because he was vulnerable with me. There was something in the shade room about him and a porn star, I had the last straw slept with a close friend and he shunned me. He let his girlfriend hold our daughter against my wishes we went back and forth about that and I ended up putting my hands on him. I begged him to take me back as if I needed him to survive. Then I lost the baby. His cousin passed away and I was there. I'm always fucking there. Always. Then after all that he gave me a damn friendship ring! On top of all that, the baby that I signed custody papers for and fell in love with might not be his!" She slammed her fist down on the couch, each story she told brought a different emotion and for the one with Key, it brought anger.

"Wow. So to me Lay, it seems like you associate pain with love. You've never experienced a healthy relationship with a man before. From the time your father left, leaving you with that feeling of rejection. To the time your mom sold you when you trusted her. You've had life stolen from you three times. Each of those stories trails back to you abandoning yourself. Why is that?" He rested his thumb on his cheek and his index finger across his chin.

"If I don't think about myself then I don't have to worry about my trauma and my past. I can focus on everybody else." She admitted shrugging her shoulders.

"Your trauma is going to keep building until you work through it. This is the time to work on it before your baby comes into this world. Do you know you can pass down trauma to your unborn? You're still early so you have time." That made Lay cry, even more, she didn't want her daughter or son going through what she did. She would die before she let that happen.

"I didn't know that." She admitted quietly, relief had been let off of her shoulders. Her mother selling her was something that had been on her mind lately.

"My fear for you Lay, you allow these men to keep hurting you because you were trying to fill a void. It sounds like you seek validation and male attention even if it hurts because that's all you know. The only love you receive is when it comes to pain. With your current ex, it seems like unrequited love to me. You keep pouring into him and but he's not pouring the same into you. He started great and you fell for him now he's shown who he is. Now you're drained. You can't pour an empty cup."

Lay sat silent, he had just read her for filth and there was nothing she could say about it.

"In the instance, he isn't the father what would you do?" Her therapist asked genuinely curious.

"I would be heartbroken. I'm not sure what I would do. Any advice?" She asked him, he was the know it all surely should have some type of advice from her.

"I think you know what you should do but that people pleasing in you blocks what you want to do for yourself. So for homework before I see you next week, how about you do five things for Chalynn? I want you to write them down and write about how good they made you feel. Or how bad they made you feel." He gave her a sparkly purple journal and a pen to match.

"Decorate it however your inner child would. That child whose innocence was torn away bring her back. I want to address more next week, but this was excellent for a session." She accepted the journal with a clear mind and heart.

"Same time next week?" Lay smiled sweetly at him, even in this first session he helped her out a lot and she appreciated that.

"I'll put you down. Have a blessed week."

"You too." She walked out the door and waved at him.

"So how was it?" Benji asked as he stood up in the waiting room.

"It was great, he set me up for an appointment for next week." She switched her bag to the other arm.

"Where'd you park?" He asked, they walked outside the counseling center and he walked her to her car.

"Thank you, Benji, you've been a very great help." She slid into her car and rolled the window down as she started it up.

"How about we grab dinner this weekend?" He asked, during their lunch yesterday they enjoyed their time.

"I had a great time with you, but what I just heard from Dr. Smith it seems like I don't need to be in a relationship until I resolve some of my issues. I'm willing to be friends with you." She suggested and then she braced herself just in case he tried to hurt her.

"Okay, but can I have your number now." He smirked, and she laughed genuinely.

"Yes. It's ..."

*

Lay pulled up to Keys house, he had been blowing her phone up while she was in therapy and told her that she had to come over because he got the results. Shutting off her car and walking into the house she looked and saw him open the door right when she pulled up.

"Hey, Key. How are you?" She waved at him as she walked past.

"I'm great Lay and you?" He asked locking the door after she made it inside.

"Great. So what's up?" She wanted to go home and soak in her tub.

Goldie: the bath is run for you, whenever you get home. Hope therapy was coo for you, can't wait to hear about it. Dinner is cooked.

"You have somewhere to be?" He asked noisily grabbing water out of his refrigerator.

"Actually yes. Please hurry up, I'm tired, hungry and I'm ready to get home." She whined, her weeks were extremely busy, and standing in his face when he wasn't talking about shit was ruining her mood.

Benji: don't forget to text when you make it home.

"She's not mine Lay." Lay's heart dropped to the pit of her stomach. She sucked in a breath as she looked over to the little girl who she claimed to be hers. Lay feared for this moment, the whole drive here made her nervous. Dr. Smith's words echoed through her mind.

"Okay. I want to file the proper paperwork so that I am no longer her legal guardian. It wasn't a mistake signing them when I thought we could be a family and it still isn't but it's not my place to raise a child that's not even yours when I have my own to look out for. I have myself to look out for. I'll keep her next week but after that, you should figure out other arrangements. Good luck Key." Keys mouth hung open. Lay kissed the child on her forehead and proceeded to walk out of the house leaving him stunned.

He had never seen her choose herself before but that wouldn't be the last time.

*

"Wow, that's crazy. So, you're going to sign away your rights to her?" Golden asked, Lay was laying on the couch with her back pressed against the arm.

"Yes. I have to start choosing myself. Key can't have me as the babysitter to a child that's not even his. I love Eli, I do but this would've happened if we broke up regularly as well." Lay shrugged, she didn't have any tears left to cry.

"I feel it. Let me see your foot." Golden was going to hold her opinion to herself. Without protest, Lay set her foot on Goldens lap. Golden put some essential oils on her feet and massaged them.

"Oh, Golden." Lay moaned softly, it had been a very long time since her feet had been rubbed. It tickled a little bit causing her to grip the side of the couch.

Golden but her lip at the sound of Lay. How she reacted to her touch had her wanting to do way more.

"Mm." She moaned again closing her eyes.

"Aight Chalynn." Golden chuckles switching to the other foot.

"Goldie .. it feels so good I can't help it." She whined, if you weren't in the living room you would've thought there was more going on. Golden abruptly stopped.

"You can't just be moaning my name like that Luv." Golden looked serious, her moans were turning her on.

"Fuuuck, Golden, oh, mm, damn!" Lay moaned loudly teasing her. Golden laughed and pulled her legs to where Chalynn was laying flat on her back.

Golden hovered over her and began to tickle Lay. The two of them laughed until Chalynn began to cry from laughing, the hasn't realized Golden was in between her legs hovering over her face with her arm extended on both sides until they calmed down.

"Honey." Lay randomly stated out loud, she didn't mean to.

"Hmm?" Golden asked confused staring back into Lays brown eyes.

"You're eyes are a golden brown, like honey. That's what I'm going to call you." Lay finished her thought.

"I'm going to call you sunshine. Cause when I see you my day gets a little brighter." Golden confessed, they stood in that position a little while longer, their faces getting closer to one another. Right as they were about to kiss they heard keys jingling in the door. Golden scurried back from her legs and Lay sat up right before Marlee walked through the door.

"I told you to keep yo ass away from my woman." Marlee joked, but she knew her sister was going to taste the rainbow.

A/N

If you were Lay, what would you do?