When I first started dating him, he was sweet. He asked me out by giving me two dozen roses and a date to see my favorite movie at the time. I was a junior in high school and he was a sophomore. Although older than me he was held back a grade because of a medical condition. At the time he was everything my mom told me a guy should be like. He'd open doors for me, buy me flowers just because, randomly buy me food and drop it off at my house, and a ton of other things I thought were amazing.

I had just gotten out of a relationship with a drug dealer. He was a nice guy but in the end we broke up because I found out I was the side piece and he actually had a kid. Boy, was I a dumbass... Then Zack came along... Swooped me off my feet... My friends loved him and my family tolerated him, but I thought he was my everything. If only I knew what I know now...

We started dating after two weeks of talking to each other. The first month was blissful. But then I slowly started messing up our relationship. Because of my ex I ended up having trust issues and a jealousy problem. So I became THAT type of girlfriend. I told him who he could and couldn't hang out with. Maybe that's why he changed into who he is now. It was bad... was bad... But he conformed to my every desire. Writing this out I'm starting to think it was my fault he changed.

However, other than that, our relationship was great. My family liked him, I was in love with him, Everything was okay. We saw each other at school and then we would go home and text each other for hours on end. One time we stayed on the phone for a total of eleven hours just talking to each other. It was great!! I miss those days.

After a few months he opened up to me that he liked to smoke "god's green" and I had a problem with it at first. But I eventually came around after being yelled at for a few months. Besides I shouldn't have a problem with it if everyone in my family smokes too. I should be used to it... So after that situation I learned how to keep my opinions to myself.

Then one day we went to a party at his friends house and he got so drunk, it was hilarious at first. Then I accidentally told him he had had too much to drink. I shouldn't have done that. He told me that I was just being a bitch because I didn't like drinking and I needed to loosen up like him and have some fun... I told him I didn't like it when he yelled at me... I shouldn't have done that either. He got up in my face and said that he wouldn't have to yell at me if I wasn't being such a little bitch. So I retreated to a seat in the corner and stayed quiet. He ended up getting so drunk that he had a black out that night. I had to stay with him and take care of him till I was finally able to get him to sleep. He threw up all over me that night.

After that he started drinking a little more frequently. At the time he was living with his mom but she is disabled and couldn't walk so it wasn't like she'd be able to stop him. After he started drinking frequently, I learned that when he drinks he likes to yell at me. That's the point when I started cutting. I'd do anything to get rid of my pain. I have never cut for attention... I did it to control how I felt and when I felt it. If I was going to be in pain, it was going to be me who caused it. I started to shrink mentally.

When he yelled I'd back into a corner and curl into a ball mentally. I retreated into myself, I would black out the world and his yelling would fade as I zoned it out. It's not until recently that I learned that that is called disassociating, back then I just called it zoning out. One day he got so drunk and I had had enough so I confronted him about it. I shouldn't have done that... He began to yell and I felt the pain I had always felt when he yelled at me, run through my body. I coward like always but this time I had messed up too badly. He trapped me against the wall and yelled in my face, angry that I told him to stop drinking. He was so close I could feel his spit on my face and see it land on my glasses. That was the night he stormed off and smashed holes into all of the walls in the house. Thank God my mom came to pick me up.

My mom only saw a nice guy who treated me great. But no one ever sees what goes on behind closed doors. Oh but when he wasn't drinking he would turn back into the guy I originally fell in love with. In the end I learned how to act and speak when he was drinking... It was hard because of my learning disability but once you go through something so many times it tends to stick with you. One day I had finally gotten through to him after he accidentally smashed a chair and I was hit by a stray piece of it flying at me.

He stopped drinking after that and his smoking habits picked up. But that was okay. I could handle the smoking, I couldn't handle the drinking. So this was a big win for me. I ended up going to a family party at his house and his aunt was there. She told me about Zack's father and why he wasn't in the picture. I learned that his biological father was an alcoholic and verbally abused his mom. I later asked him about it and he started crying saying that it was one of the reasons why he stopped drinking. I was worried about him and I knew that sometimes people can act like their parents. So I asked him if he would ever do something like that, But Zack told me he would never be like his father... He promised...

He promised...