My mind runs in circles over the next few weeks, never feeling so lost in my entire life. Everything said to me leaving me in cycles of wondering if there is a way to fix my misfortunes. If there was something I could have said, or done to change our fate because all I can do is think about it.

Every time I see Felix in the halls, in editing the yearbook, on my walls – it takes everything in me not to fall apart. My heart in such knots that I don't think I can ever undo them. The state of my heart forever in pieces, and yet squeezed together so tightly that I can hardly hold myself up.

I feel different. Less like myself and more like a ghost floating day by day, and I know that at some point I'll start to unravel myself from this pain. Maybe in a few more weeks. Maybe in a few more months. Maybe in a few years. Or maybe, I'm full of myself and this pain will last me a lifetime because despite what everyone else has said – this wasn't some relationship leading me to my great love.

It's not a stepping stone.

It wasn't a relationship to kill time, or until I grow up.

It's the real deal.

My great one.

And I'm left feeling like everything that happens from this point on means nothing without him there to share it with. Dramatic or not, it's the fact that the only person I want to make this better is Felix. I considered the words my parents said, and then Greyson. All it's done is leave me with a pain in my stomach I can't undo, and I want to take it all back.

My fight with Felix, us breaking up. All I want to do is turn back time and take everything we said back. I want to be supportive. I want to be the person he needs, to fight for us. To make it work, but then I think about Greyson's relationship with Mia. She was so special to him, and I thought they'd stand the test of time.

They were so in love, and then suddenly Greyson stopped talking about her and it all fell apart because of distance. Less distance than will be between Felix and me, so if they couldn't fight it. What makes anyone think I can survive it? Mia and Greyson were together longer than us, and if distraction is all that it caused them. It won't be any different for us, and I won't be a distraction for him.

He worked hard to get this, and without telling me – I know Berkeley is his dream. Time away from his family, is exactly what he needs and I won't stand in the way of that. I can't be in the way of it. I won't hold him back.

I can't. Despite how much it kills me.

"Want some company?" Riker asks as he comes out of the backdoor, walking down the stone steps toward the pool where I sit.

I shake my head as I sway my feet gently through the water. "Not really."

"Ah, well, that's just too bad," Isaac says, sitting down on the tiled edge next to me. "You're getting some."

I turn my head at the sound of his voice with a frown on my face as he undoes his shoe laces and sets them aside, pulling his socks off before dipping his toes in the pool water. Riker doing the same on the other side of me, rolling up the legs of his pants.

"Want to tell us why you're out here being so gloomy?" He asks.

"I'm fine."

Riker chuckles, "Yeah, tell us another story."

"What's not to be fine about?" I question. "Mom and dad's relationship is back on track. Dad's moved back in. We're finally a family again. Things are normal, so...why shouldn't I be happy?"

"Because you fell in love," he says softly, trying to meet my eyes but I can't look up from my feet and the glistening of the clear blue water. "This isn't the normal you wanted. It's the normal from before Felix, but there's only after Felix now, isn't there?"

I shrug, not sure of what to say. I know things have been weird since I broke up with Felix, like somehow he took this sunshine I supposedly had with him. And all I've been left behind with is darkness. A gloom that just doesn't seem to go away. I've grown distant. I know that. In the last few weeks, everything has seemed less interesting.

I go to school, I come home. I lock myself away in my room and lose all inspiration. The only time I've used my camera being for school, and somehow I don't care. I don't care about any of it because it doesn't matter without him. I hate how much I depend on him, how much I need him to function, how I've let him become so tied into who I am that with him gone I can't breathe.

I never used to be this person.

But then again, I never had someone to depend on like this before.

It wasn't until him.

"You need to fight for what you really want, Stevie," Isaac sighs.

"I can't, okay? It's not that simple," I frown, brushing the stray hairs that fell from my bun to frame my face. "We just...this is how things have to be."

"Why?"

"Because Greyson is right! Felix worked so hard for Berkeley, long before we even met and I can't just expect to come in and turn his focus. I can't be a distraction," I frown.

"A distraction?" Riker asks. "Jesus Christ, Vee. You need to learn to stop listening to Greyson. You aren't a distraction, if anything your motivation."

"Greyson and Mia broke up because of distance."

"You aren't Greyson, Stevie. It's different," Riker sighs.

"How?"

"Because Felix actually cares about you," Isaac frowns. "Look, I love Grey but he can't compare what he and Mia had to the two of you. And I hate that you listen to him, or anyone other than yourself. Do you want to be with Felix?"

I hesitate.

"Answer the question," Riker says. "Don't think about anything else. Do you or don't you want to be with him?"

"Yes, obviously," I groan. "I can't though."

"How do you know you can't? You haven't tried," he asks, and when I go to argue he holds his hand up. "Don't. Don't act like you aren't incredibly stubborn because you are. That's what this is. You're too stubborn for your own good."

"Six hours is nothing, Vee," Isaac frowns. "Do you realize that Riker and me are going to be three thousand miles apart next year? For the last eighteen years, we've been no more than a few feet from each other. The longest we've ever been apart is a few hours."

My heart clenches for them when I realize that in a few short months they'll be even further away. They're each other's best friend, their other half. The thing that makes them whole.

"We know you're scared," Isaac mumbles. "We're scared too, but you fight for the people you love. To make it work and yeah, it's going to be hard but distance is hard and that's okay. It's okay to be scared, and to admit that things take work. Relationships are no different."

"It's too hard."

"How would you know?" Riker asks. "Look, Vee, we love you. You know that, but you are so much like mom that you sometimes don't let yourself breathe. You can't decide something that isn't your decision to make. Let Felix decide if you're a distraction and stop using excuses to hide from the truth."

"Great pep talk," I mutter.

"It isn't meant to be one," he sighs. "My point is that you didn't try hard enough, Stevie. Greyson told you about Berkeley and the very next day you called it quits. You never tried. You probably didn't even let him explain himself, why he never shared the information. You jumped to your own conclusions and didn't actually try to make this work, but are you really going to let him go because he's going to college?"

"He lied to me!" I argue.

"Bullshit," Isaac rolls his eyes. "He didn't say he wasn't going to college, did he? He just didn't know how to tell you about this. It's completely different and you're bigger than this, Vee. Don't give up because of a little bump in the road."

"And you can't say you don't miss him, or don't love him, or don't want to try because we all know it's not true," Riker cuts in before I can say anything. "You've been miserable without him."

"I can't."

"Fine, be stubborn," he sighs and gets up. "But you aren't mom and dad, Stevie. And you aren't Greyson and Mia. If anyone can make this work. It's you and Felix."

Instead of saying anything, I remain silent as they both get up to leave to let me wallow away in silence. Except it isn't silence, because everyone's voices are in my head telling me what to do and to try harder. And they're right. I could have tried harder. I could have fought, but I didn't because of what Greyson said.

I let him get in my head, and it's not his fault. He was only trying to help me heal from my heartache. I made the decision to take it to heart, except it isn't my heart.

Felix is my heart.

He makes the whole thing up and I can make this work. I owe it to myself to try, at the very least but that isn't the problem. It's the way things ended, that make it so hard to go back. I said things I shouldn't have, things that hurt him more than my fear of being away from him. He thinks I don't know him, that I don't see him and in a moment of anger – I said something that hurt him.

Something I didn't mean, and isn't true.

He deserves better than my harsh words, and I'm scared that I screwed everything up. Things changed after that, they went from being about Berkeley to something else. Something I should have tried harder to correct, and if I can't fix our relationship. I can fix that.

Or at least, I can try.

a/n;

ONE MORE CHAPTER LEFT!

And I kind of want to post it right now...good or bad idea?