It feels like I'm sleepwalking through the halls the next day at school, because I don't know what to think or say. I feel like I've been blindsided, or betrayed and I have absolutely no idea if I have any right to feel that way. Maybe I don't. It's his future, but somehow, I thought I was going to be a part of it but now this isn't about our future. And I'm left feeling nothing but confusion.

My heart is tied in big knots, not knowing what to do and I don't know if I would feel different about the situation if Felix had been one to share the news with me, or if Greyson telling me was what hurts the most. Or the not knowing. Or the deciding without me.

It's not my decision though, and I know that.

Felix had to decide for himself, and I have to accept that. It's just knowing he made the decision and not telling me about it, because it doesn't just alter his life anymore. It alters mine when my heart moves six hours away.

"Nicks," Felix comes up beside me at my locker, leaning over to press his lips to mine when I turn my head.

I don't mean to be cold, not to him but I can't help but feel like he didn't tell me on purpose. Like, he didn't think I could handle it or didn't want to work it out. Maybe I was right. Maybe I really am just a stepping stone to occupy his senior year.

"Stevie?" He frowns. "What's wrong?"

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I grip the edge of my locker door and press my forehead into the cold metal. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to fight with him, but I know I'm too upset to do anything but.

"Were you ever planning to tell me about Berkeley?" I ask, turning my head to face him.

"How do you-?" He says, his lips parting before he finishes. "Greyson."

I nod as I press my teeth into the tip of my tongue, directing my focus to the pain it causes. "You weren't, were you?"

"It's not that easy," he exhales. "Nicks, I just...I didn't know how to."

"Because you didn't think I could handle it?" I ask.

"No, because I didn't think I could," he sighs and rubs his fingertips over the front of his brow and up to his forehead. "I've never had to do this before, Stevie. I haven't had to think about other people. It's always just been me and my family, and even then I've only had to think about myself but then you came along and you changed everything."

"Is that supposed to make the fact you didn't tell me better?"

"No, but...it's all I've got."

"I need to go," I mumble, grabbing my textbook out of my locker and notebook. "I'm going to be late for class."

"Nicks, hold on," he grabs my arm after I slam the door to my locker shut. "We need to talk about this."

I shake my head and pull my arm out of his grasp and head down the hall. I feel like I have no control over anything, and it's the worst feeling in the world. The feeling like I don't have a say, and I know it's a part of life. We all face it, but this feels different. It feels like I'm being selfish for feeling like this.

I love him more than anything else in the world, and I feel like I'm losing him. Or holding him back. Or nothing. It just hurts, knowing there may not be a way out of this.

"Hey Vee," Isla comes up behind me in the computer lab, settling into a seat next to me but her eyes are on my computer screen. "Why are you looking at the UC Berkeley website?" She asks as she wakes the computer in front of her.

Before I get the chance to share, Robyn slides in next to us. "Hey boos."

"Hi," Isla smiles softly before turning her attention back to me. "Stevie?"

"Felix got in on a full ride for football," I say before pulling my bottom lip between my teeth, running my finger over the mouse and opening the next page. "Did you know Berkeley is six hours and thirteen minutes away from Malibu? That's twelve hours and twenty-six minutes if you consider both ways, and not including traffic."

"Boo," Robyn frowns.

"Three hundred and eighty-nine miles away," I swallow.

"That's a bit of a journey," she says gently.

A dry laugh leaves my lips, "Sure and even then we'd only get a few hours together."

"You'll figure it out," Isla assures me.

"Will we? Because up until yesterday I had no idea he was going there."

"Maybe he just found out," Robyn suggests as she sits down on the other side of me.

I shake my head. "He wasn't even the one that told me. I don't know if he was planning to or if he was just planning to up and leave one day. Greyson's the one that broke the news after telling me he's moving back to Los Angeles."

"Felix wouldn't just leave you like that, Vee."

"Maybe he would," I say.

"Give him some credit, Vee," Isla squeezes my shoulder. "You're more than some disposable person to him. He loves you."

"Then why didn't he tell me?" I whisper, my eyes wet with tears.

"Maybe he was scared, or didn't want to have to think about leaving you six hours away," Robyn offers. "Stevie, this couldn't have been easy on him."

I shake my head and wipe my tears. "Did I tell you the great news? Riker got into Stanford and Isaac's moving to Rhode Island."

"Awe, Vee," Isla scoots over and wraps her arms around me. "It's going to be okay, I promise. You'll be okay."

"I feel like my world is falling apart just as it gets put back together," I mumble, before feeling this urge of uncomfortable pain in the base of my stomach. "I need to go."

"Wait, Stevie," Robyn reaches for my hand but I pull it away before she can get it. "You need to take a minute to think about everything. You just got hit with a lot."

"I need to be somewhere else," I shake them off, grabbing my bag off the back of the chair and before they get another chance to argue with me, I'm walking out of class and down the hall until I land myself in front of the darkroom.

At first, this place was one of creativity and work but somewhere along the way it became my safe place among others. I don't know what I want, or when I'll be ready to talk to Felix but I need somewhere to think. A quiet place that let's my thoughts stand out clearer than anything else going on, but in this state I don't think even the quietest of rooms will help me focus.

Too scared to think about what will happen if we can't fix this.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I slide down to the floor and hold my legs against my chest. My head is throbbing, my heart in pieces and the only person I want to make it feel better can't because he's the cause. He's the person that decided not to share this huge part of his life with me.

He alone made that decision.

"Nicks?" I hear the muttered sound of his voice on the other side of the door. "Are you in there? Can we talk?"

Pressing my back into the wooden door, I hold my breath and get back up to my feet before grabbing the doorknob and pulling it open. Without thinking, I step forward and wrap my arms around him tightly.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you."

I nod and pull him inside, turning the light on before closing the door. "How long have you known about this?"

"Uh..." he swallows and that's when I know it's been longer than even I want to think about. "Do you remember the homecoming game?" He asks.

I squeeze my eyes shut, already knowing I don't like the answer.

"The Berkeley recruiter was at that game, and I got the offer a few weeks later," he swallows. "I wanted to tell you, Nicks. As soon as I found out but you were opening up to me and I got scared that you'd give up on us before we even started."

"You really thought that much of me?"

He swallows, "Do you blame me? You're thinking it now, aren't you?"

"Don't do that," I growl. "Don't act like you have any idea how I feel. Felix, do you know how much it hurt to learn that Greyson knew before me? That you accepted without even telling me you got the offer?"

"Stevie," he frowns.

"I love you, Felix. You should have trusted me to understand, to make this work for the both of us but now I don't know what to think. I feel like you weren't ever planning to tell me about this. Like it's this huge secret you've been holding onto for months! And it is! It's been months, Felix. You've had so much time to tell me and I don't even know if you would have if it hadn't of been for me finding out."

"I know I should have told you the second I knew, Nicks. I know that, but do you have any idea how terrified I've been that if I tell you, I'll lose you? Everything about you is utter perfection, even your obsessive need to control everything in your life and I know not being able to control where the two of us are next year would be hard for you. I've been trying to figure out if I can put it off until you can come with me, but I don't even know what you want to do after high school," he exhales. "There's no plan that ends up with us in the same place next year, and I hate it because the only place I want to be is with you."

"We could have figured this out."

"Could?" He asks. "As in we can't now?"

I swallow and turn around, facing the wall instead of him. "I don't know. We could have done this together but you didn't tell me. I love you so much, Felix and the thought of being away from you kills me but I could have handled it. We could have made this work, but instead you kept me in the dark for months."

"So that's it?" He asks. "I made one mistake and you're done with me?"

"No, but I can't do this knowing you don't trust me enough to plan a future together and maybe you're right and I would have given up on us if you had told me. Or maybe I would have fought like hell to make this work but you never gave me a chance...so, I don't know how to do this if I feel like I can't trust you. That you're the guy I thought you were."

"The guy you thought I was?" He says. "Stevie, if these last few months haven't shown you that I'm not what everyone else thought I was then maybe you're right. Maybe we never should have done this, and if that's still what you see when you look at me. Some rumours attached to my name, maybe it's me that doesn't want to do this with you."

My heart breaks with the words. "Fine then!"

"Yeah, fine," he shakes his head and moves for the door, stopping when his hand is on the handle. "I thought if anyone saw me, it was you, Stevie. Thanks for proving me wrong."

And that's all it takes for me to fall apart as the door closes behind him, and I slide down the door. My heart in shatters knowing that we're done. That some stupid petty reason of space ruined us, except it's not stupid or petty. It's real and far. And now I'm left thinking about what could have been.

a/n;

Ah, don't hate me for this chapter! I can't believe there are only three chapters left!