Wednesday, 16 November 2022.

Time: 3:09 AM (IST)

Ugh! I have no idea where to start this. Honestly, my hands are shaking and I'm listening to Under the influence by Chris Brown― Youtube suggestion. Home seems to be far away... For some reason, I miss home. Maybe that is the reason why I decided to write this down.

I'm sorry if I'm adding up things. It's just that I just couldn't come to the point, I― I just want to write down all the raw thoughts and words that are running up in my mind. I want to share something personal over here. I tried to talk about this and speak it out with someone, but sadly, I'm in a position where I have got no friends with whom I could share this.

The story goes back to November 2021 when I was backpacking around North India and I was actively writing my books. I lived in Himachal Pradesh in a backpacking hostel. There were six dormitories and, thankfully, the manager was kind enough to let me use one dormitory as I was going to live there for one month.

It was my personal space. I didn't share the dormitory with anyone except two people in the beginning, as I was scared of sleeping alone. My dormitory was on the second floor and it was the private part of the hostel because of the private suits that happened to be there right adjacent to the dormitory where I was living.

Everything was going well, I was able to pay my bills and handle my expenses. I was meeting new people, making new friendships, writing new characters and searching for stories. As the winter began, it was cold and I came from the city, so I had never experienced a cold that made me feel like the cold was pricking into my body.

Everyone thought I was living the best life. I wouldn't say they were wrong. I was happy and at peace. Then I started coughing. It wasn't severe. I used to cough here and there. I have a sweet tooth, so whenever my mind doesn't work or when I can't write a chapter, I eat sweets or cakes.

I didn't take it seriously, as coughs and colds are common in winter. But to make sure that it doesn't become chronic, I went to the pharmacy and got the medicine. I started taking the medicine and completely ignored it. By the time November ended, my cough worsened. Fortunately, I decided to go home.

I was home the whole of December and took a covid test. My mum and I were worried, the covid test came out negative. But I was coughing so my mum took me to the hospital. They mentioned that it was a chronic cough and gave us some powerful medicine. It worked and I stopped coughing. I was happy and by the end of December, I was packing my bags for another city.

I was in Goa for New Year. If only I knew what was going to happen. On December 30, I was going to a party but I had to stay back in my hotel room because I wasn't feeling good. I was coughing and it only worsened. The next two days, I didn't step out of my hotel room because of my sickness.

I was able to go to the beach and couldn't eat anything. It only worsened the situation. Goa was a New year trip and I was going to live in Kerala for one month where I was going to do freelancing. I couldn't sleep or eat anything. If I slept on my back or sideways, it only made me cough painfully.

Reaching a backpacking hostel in Alleppey, Kerala. I checked in and didn't speak with anyone. The train journey was painful and I wasn't myself. Locking the door, I removed my t-shirt and stood before the mirror. Whenever I used to cough, there was unbearable pain shooting from my left side, underneath my boob.

I used my phone's flashlight to see what had happened. My eyes widened when I saw a huge black spot over there. I searched for a hospital and made an appointment. I took a bath and went to the hospital. Reaching the hospital, they sent me to a resident doctor. I told her about the cough and how painful it was.

She did what she had to do. And asked me a few questions. I answered all her questions and I knew there was something. Then she asked if she could see the spot on my body. I showed her and she said I had a tear because of the chest pressure caused while coughing.

She did some blood tests and when the reports came she said my red blood cell count was less and my playlets had dropped. If I don't take care of my health and diet, I might get admitted. Then she mentioned that the cough might be tuberculosis or symptoms of cancer. For a minute, I wasn't able to process anything.

Looking at my reaction, she tried to ease the situation. She mentioned the medication first. She asked me to take the prescribed medication for one week and if everything becomes normal, then I don't have to worry about anything. I couldn't share this with anyone, not even with my mum, for some reason.

I got back to the hostel and started taking the medication. Thrice a day and I started feeling normal. The unknown tension left my body and I was able to make some friends in the hostel and continue with my work and books. I became busy and my stay in Kerala was coming to an end. It was time for a new state.

Fortunately, I decided to move to Goa. I didn't explore the state and decided to live there for one month. I stopped taking the medication that the doctor prescribed. One day before I was leaving for Goa, I woke up from my sleep covered in sweat and I had night chills. Fear grew in me when I coughed mucus.

The doctor's words kept ringing in my mind. Unknowingly, I started crying. I didn't want to get sick. And I knew I was ignoring some major things just because I wasn't ready for the result. I left for Goa but started taking the medication. I promised myself that if I started coughing again, I would go home and get the treatment.

I was sceptical but nothing happened. I was healthy and feeling good. I was not coughing. I rented an apartment with a kitchen near the beach. February was blissful but I observed that I was losing weight and there was the hair loss. I was scared and ignored all the signs.

I took a break from writing as I was not feeling good. I started feeling tired immediately and sleepy all the time. By the last week of February, the cough was back and this time it was just worse. I tried booking tickets to go home but there was no availability.

I remember the night clearly. I couldn't sleep the whole night because of the cough. I was coughing continuously and felt nauseous. I rushed to the washroom, stood before the wash basin and started puking out. I stood there and looked at my face. I always had a round face with chubby cheeks, but I could only see cheekbones.

I started coughing to the point that my chest started paining. I felt some metallic taste before I threw up blood. Every limp in my body started shaking in fear. I was alone and didn't know what to do. I was visibly shaken and everything started making sense. I waited for the night to pass and the next day I left for home in Hyderabad.

The train journey was awful. I couldn't stop myself from coughing and it disturbed the other passengers. I spent most of the time standing near the doors or rushing into the washrooms when I knew I was going to cough for a longer period. I wanted to cry but I knew I had to hold it back until I reached home safely.

My mum was shaken with fear when she saw me. I was always a chubby girl and it was the first time she had seen me like that. She made the appointments, they took me to the hospital and over there they did tests on me and told me that I had pneumonia. They gave home treatment and a nurse used to come to my home to give injections and medication.

It went on for a week but I was becoming weaker and there was no result. So the doctor suggested some other specialist. Another department had done all the tests on me and told me to get admitted to the hospital. I was admitted and was waiting for the reports.

I was anxious along with my mum when the reports came. The doctor looked at the reports and sighed heavily. "I knew it was tuberculosis."

I put on a blank face as I didn't know what to say. I knew somewhere I was expecting to hear some bad news. My mum was strong and started asking the doctor questions. The doctor mentioned that I had stage 3 and active tuberculosis. They would start the treatment immediately and I have to be isolated.

Then my mum asked if I had pneumonia. He mentioned that I had pneumonia, because of which the previous doctor didn't think of tuberculosis. I don't remember the medical terms, but they have done that mucus or sputum test which detects tuberculosis.

I was in a private room wearing a mask all the time and getting injections and treatment thrice a day. It was painful and horrible just thinking about the injections. My mum stood strong like a pillar and I must say that I didn't lose hope because of her. For sixteen days, I was in the hospital before they sent me home.

For the next six months, I took antibiotics without fail and for two months I was not allowed to come in contact with anyone. Mine is a joint family and there were kids in the house. I didn't want to put their lives at risk, so I decided to shift. I lived alone for the next four months. I used to make meals for myself and made sure to take the tablets without fail. I shouldn't miss one day.

It was depressing, not having anyone to talk to or share with. My mum used to call me every day without fail, but everything felt hard. I had to do something, so I started working on my new projects, which kept me busy most of the time.

By god's grace, I was able to beat tuberculosis and came out negative after my six-month course. They had done other tests and there were no cancer cells present. I couldn't stop myself from crying that day when I held the reports in my hands. No one knew about my treatment as I kept it private.

Life surely showed me a lesson and I'm blessed to be able to live another day. The phase taught me many lessons. I have lost friends but I am happy that I have myself. I stood and took care of myself when there was no hand present. Will always love my mum who stood strong amongst all the chaos and sadness. Who knew I would be packing my bags for my next adventure.

Trust me, don't ever ignore the signs when it comes to health. You never know what it is going to be. It might be physical health or mental health. One should take care of yourself. There is no other chance. Hope you all are doing well and staying healthy.

On another note, I'm right now living in Himachal Pradesh! Crazy isn't it? Last year I was living here and here I'm. And yeah... No plans of leaving soon...

Thank you,

Varsha Chindam.