Sara III

For a while now, everything has been okay. The fears I once held are a distant memory and I can only laugh at all the silly things I did just to hide away from it.

I like girls. I liked Elizabeth. I thought she was so beautiful and misunderstood just like me. We got close because of that, and she understood me. I can only wonder if she felt the same. She was at least curious.

But I’m gay, and that’s okay.

For once in my life, I don’t feel miserable. I dont stop and stare at myself in the bathroom mirror after a shower. I don’t mind the cuts, there’s nothing hideous, only beauty. So I smile. Everything is okay and I feel like I’m starting to become alive. I haven’t smoked or snorted a line in days. I haven’t been drinking and my skin thanks me for it.

Once again my brother opens the bathroom door and tosses me a baggie that I don’t need. “We’re all going to The Diner before heading to Seattle, coming?”

A genuine smile feels weird but nice. “Yeah, let me get dressed.”

Andrew drops me off and drives off, telling me, “I have to go do a deal, be right back.”

I’m the first one here. For once The Diner is fairly empty so I take my seat at the table we always sit at, towards the back away from everyone. The only problem is that when I get back there, I find someone already sitting there. It’s Ellie’s friend, Jana Kramer.

The poor girl, ever since the suicide, she’s been a recluse. She doesn’t talk to anyone or socialize anymore. She stopped caring about what she wears and always hides her eyes with her bangs. Strangely, I always felt like she and I were similar. We never got too close and only hung out a handful of times, but she used to be so full of life. Ellie’s death hit her the hardest and nobody is there for her.

Jana Kramer looks up at me and quickly gets up from her seat. “Sorry,” she says as she hurries out.

“Wait, you don’t have to leave!”

But she’s already gone.

It’s not that nobody is there for her, she just doesn’t let anyone.

A thought comes across my head. A silly one, one that makes me smile, one that makes me imagine. Something I haven’t allowed myself to do in a long time. All of this is new to me. It’s an emotion I haven’t felt since Mom died.

I always thought I would have to carry this sadness, this ghost around for the rest of my life. But that isn’t true, is it? It does get better. It did get better, all I had to do was to stop running away and face my fears.

Emily and Grace are the first ones to arrive. I’m told Chris won’t be able to make it and Cody is busy in Seattle; not that I want Cody here anyways. Things have been so tense between Ems and him.

“Did Andrew tell you what we’re doing in Seattle?” Emily asks.

“No idea, I just sort of agreed,” I giggle. “Probably a party. Tagging along, Gracie?”

Emily shakes her head, “He asked her to come.”

“Yeah, weird, huh?” Grace adds.

What’s weirder is how Emily is now talking to my brother. It’s a bit concerning because that’s the last thing I thought would ever happen. Andrew’s is the polar opposite of Emily’s type. I doubt it’s anything serious and would be willing to be it’s all just to get back at Cody. Ems won’t tell me much about the reason for it all. I just get, “idk’s” and “it’s fun.”

“D’you see Alyssa put Megan in her place?” Emily tells me.

“What?! No, when was this.”

“Last night on Facebook. The whole divide your brother did really drove a wedge between all of them. Alyssa told Megan that she was a cunt for using Ellie’s death just to get sympathy for her.”

“Well duh, bitch had it coming day one,” I say pulling out my phone to check out this hot gossip I missed. “They’re not bothering you anymore, right Grace?”

The young girl shakes her head with a smile, “No, Andrew makes sure of that. I used to be scared of him, but he’s kind of cool.”

“Don’t be fooled, he’s the devil.”

Emily rests her chin on her palm, smiles, and says, “My kind of devil.”

“Ew, gross.”

“So are you too a thing now?”

“I don’t know yet,” Emily sighs. “We’ll see after the school dance.”

I take my eyes off my phone for a second to glance over at Grace. She has an excited look on her face like she’s glad to hear this. I can only imagine what about. Gracie is so new that everything is on the table.

My eyes focus back on Alyssa’s Facebook post. Drama, drama, drama. Like any fight, people pick sides but nothing Megan rebuttals with paints her in a good light. Even the weird kid Bo that takes videos of all the parties backs up Alyssa with video evidence of Megan talking shit about Elizabeth.

“Ladies, ladies, ladies. I see you’re all comfortable,” My brother walks in with an exaggerated swagger. “Freshfuck, I see you stopped dressing like a five-year-old. What did Ems dress you?” he asks pointing at Gracie's outfit while taking his seat next to me. I didn’t notice it before, but Grace is wearing Emily’s old clothes.

“Actually, I did, Andrew. Got a problem with that?” Ems pouts.

“Never said I did.”

“Well? How’d I do?”

Andrew tilts his head and stares at Grace which makes her cower in empressement. “Brainguts, tell ya, mom, to get you contacts, maybe then you’ll look normal.”

“Andrew,” I slap his chest with the back of my hand.

“I-its okay. I don’t mind.”

“See? Don’t get all hurt, my carpet muncher little sis,” he laughs. Emily’s head jerks up, surprised. I’d forgotten to tell her that I told him. Andrew catches it and starts to obnoxiously laugh.

“You’re a lesbian?” Grace mouths to me.

“Fucking hell, Sara. How’d I end up with a dumb little sister like you?”

“We’re the same age, asshole.”

Emily starts to laugh. “So you don’t mind?”

Andrew shrugs, “Sara’s all I got,” he looks at me. Deep inside I feel my heart tighten. He hasn’t ever looked at me like this before, with a brotherly smile. It’s always been just the two of us. I’d forgotten. He’s all I have too.

“And that’s what we call, character development.”

“Shut the fuck up, Ems.”

-

The big day out turns out to be nothing but an outing to Seattle’s skatepark. We don’t like coming here because during the night it gets infested by the homeless and drug addicts. What’s worse is that we’re here to catch a freestyle battle tournament that Cody’s attending. If we’d known, Emily probably wouldn’t have come and Andrew was our ride so now we’re stuck.

For a small tournament, there is a bit of a crowd. We take our seats on some bleachers in front of where everything is happening. “Why the fuck are we here?” Emily complains.

Cody has noticed us but mostly ignores us. He’s too focused on the two people battle rapping right now. I’m not one to complain. I like his raps, Cody’s creative and witty. This is the first time I have ever seen him compete.

“Ah just here to show support. There’s no reason we should all stop being friends.”

“Just seems cruel.”

“What’s happening?”

“Cody’s gonna freestyle in a bit, Gracie-kin,” Andrew chuckles. “Slim’s gonna win it all too.”

“He raps?”

“Since we were little. Always had a talent for it although it's been a while since any of us has heard any of it.”

Soon enough, Cody’s turn approaches and we learn it’s already the semi-finals. I've never been into rap or the whole hip-hop scene so I’m not sure how the rules are set or how one even wins. I assume it’s like 8-mile and the biggest reaction from the crowd wins.

Cody starts,

“Ayo this cat can’t stand me, know he wants to hand me. He’ll only win this battle cause this whole crowd’s his family. Is that how it goes? You’re the only mother fucker I know with eighty losses in a row? Your flow is weak and when you do that shit, you show me your corroded ass teeth. Oh, he’s spittin’ my lines, thinking that he’s fresher. Doing that is the only way you’ll ever sell a record. So why you’d do that? You act hard but don’t even own a gat. You know what? You need to take your whole fucking crew back to school black. Pull up a stool, I’m the teacher. I’m about to wear your bitch ass out like your sneakers. You MC’s to me is just geekers. This cat stays close to my dick like a beeper, he ain’ even coming with the cheaper. Now you just lost your life to me, the grim reaper.”

The crowd erupts. Cody’s opponent looks unfazed. I look over to Emily who’s biting her lips. Andrew’s grinning. He loves this shit. Grace is star-struck.

Cody’s opponent isn’t as impressive and as such, loses. There’s a lull before the finals Cody comes up to us and asks, “What are you guys doing here?”

“Being supportive, fucker.”

“He brought us here without telling us,” Emily correctly answers.

“Right,” Cody snarks. “Well thanks for showing up, I guess.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were competing today?”

Cody doesn’t answer and heads back to compete. The awkward tension around us is just too much to handle. If it was made out of a knife, you could cut a diamond with it. I bet this was all part of Andrew’s plan. He loves to cause chaos.

The second battle starts.

The opponent goes first. It’s quite impressive. So impressive that the crowd doesn’t quiet down for a bit.

Then Cody goes. I’m not sure if he’s anxious or mad but he doesn’t take his eyes off his opponent. It’s fierce what his eyes can do.

“Yo, you straight bring the worst game, couldn’t be one even if Jayceon was your name. I grab the microphone and let you know I’m mad tight. I let you know I could have been your dad, right? Matter of fact, I was with your mom last night. Matter fact, I’m the reason your little sister’s half white,”

That last line gets a massive crowd chant. Even I cheer.

“Let you know that she was terrible. I’ll beat you so bad I’ll let your parents know. You know I rap for props, this just another wack cat on my jock. I grab the microphone and straight smoke a clown, I’ll even beat him in his own fucking hometown. Now, what does that make you? On the mic, I break you. Even if you was a bitch with your legs open, no one’d rape you.”

Wow.

He’s so angry.

“On the mic, he’s straight up wack. Look at this cat, 25, can’t grow a mustache. What’s up with that? Your whole style is weak. You get defeated, depleted, your whole style is cheap. I grab the mic and disconnect your face. Yo, it’s your turn, but you got second place.”

-

“Fuckin’ Hell, Cody-kin you didn’t have to murder him, slim.”

“You did good. Congrats.”

“That was so cool!”

“That was brutal,” I tell him.

Cody pulls out a blunt and lights it up while we hand around the bleachers. “It went alright, I guess.” he ended up winning and won some cash as well as a qualifier for the next round. All of this is supposed to lead up to the biggest tournament in Seattle. “You didn’t have to bring everybody, Andrew.”

“Oh, don’t give me that. Everyone loves an audience.”

“I didn’t know you rap.”

“I don’t exactly advertise it, Grace.”

“What were you planning to do after this? Want to hang out?” Emily asks.

“I was gonna skate for a bit, I guess we could chill here.”

The tension between Ems and Cody has been subsidizing the longer they’re around each other. I thought it would last forever and suffocate me. I also thought Cody would show more animosity toward Andrew but that hasn’t happened either and I don’t quite get it. Is it just a guy thing to be bros?

Bros over hoes, I think is what they call it?

It’s stupid.

Ever since the death, our group hasn’t ever been together at the same time. Today we’re just missing Chris but it’s a breath of fresh air. Things feel normal now. Just like before, we just hang around the bleachers talking about nothing and cracking jokes at each other. Gracie becomes the butt end of most of them, mostly because of Andrew. She takes them and laughs with us. Even Cody cracks a few jokes and acts like his regular self.

It’s not my imagination, but things do get better. Even when the homeless start to show up, we don’t mind because we’re all having a blast. We’re all so young and have an eternity to worry about dumb stuff. So we’re enjoying the now, at least that’s how I see it.

There’s a point where I catch Gracie unable to look away from Cody and her previous actions click. I don’t think anyone has noticed. She catches me staring and asks, “What?”

“Nothing,” I smile. This is going to be my little secret.

I didn’t expect to be endeared by her. At first, I thought she was just some little dork we were taking pity on. Gracie has shown me that even though her dorkiness a cool girl lies underneath. She doesn’t judge, doesn’t cause trouble, and just wants to always be around. I even heard that she smoked for the first time a few days ago. Wish I was there to see it. If she ever gets good at makeup and gets a bit of style, maybe she’ll eventually make her own friends and stop depending on us. That’s the best thing for her.

The sunsets and eventually, everything calms down. Cody goes down to the rink to skate and Emily joins him, borrowing a board from one of the locals. Andrew lays on the bleachers while I get high while talking to Grace.

“Did you have fun today?”

“Honestly, I don’t think I ever had so much fun before.”

“That’s because you never hung out with me,” Andrew interjects.

“I don’t even like you.”

Andrew scoffs. “When did you grow the balls?”

“I don’t have the take shit from bullies like you.”

“I’ve never!”

“You don’t have to get so defensive, Andrew.” I giggle. “I guess Gracie isn’t the lame little girl we once knew.”

“Uh, thanks I guess?”

“Bullshit, so you drank and smoked a little. Still makes you a scared little bitch that won’t ever stand up for herself.”

“Not true!”

Andrew gets up and shoves himself right infront of Grace’s face with his iconic grin. Grace tries to stand her ground but I notice her legs are shaking a bit. “Prove it then, bitch. Prove me wrong.”

“Andrew, stop!”

My brother eyes me then backs off, sighing and crossing his arms. “You’re not even close to being considered my friend.”

“Not sure I want to.”

“Everyone does eventually, love.”

From my peripheral vision, a strange man is walking towards us. He catches Cody’s attention before my brother notices and runs up to us.

“What are you doing here?” Cody asks him before the man can get too close to us.

“Oh? You?” Andrew stands.

The stranger’s homeless with dirt all over his face. He smells burnt and has scabs around his man. I wonder how Cody and Andrew know him.

“Have you seen my sister? She hasn’t payed me back.”

Emily then takes notices and stops skating to join us. She knows who this is too.

“Pay you back for what?”

“The Winter she bought from me. I have to pay Lyle back, but I need to find her first.”

Winter? The old drug?

“The fuck you on? Winter hasn’t existed in years, slim. Let alone a junkie like you having access to it.The fuck you mean?”

“Nah, nah. Lyle has this new shit, you smoke it now.”

Cody get’s in front of the stanger. “Is that what she smoked? Winter? Not meth?”

“No, she wanted nothing to do with it. She asked for Winter instead. You guys are her friends, know where she is? I need the money.”

I remember Emily told me the night Cody and Elizabeth essentially broke up. He found her smoking meth and he blew up on her. The puzzle pieces start to click together. This is her brother. I think she mentioned him once, his name is Matthew. He’s been disowned from Elizabeth’s family since she was kid.

“Mate, Elizabeth’s dead,” Andrew laughs.

“What? That can’t be-”

So she smoked Winter? That’s what they found.

“What’s winter?” Grace whispers to me.

It’s an old drug that shouldn’t exist anymore. It’s rumored to have the greatest high one can achieve. It’s like a mix of MDMA, coke and Acid all wrapped in one. One of the rumors say that it’s hallucigens show you and give your your greatest desires. A drug I always wanted to try.

“Slim, she’s dead. Got a bullet through her brain, went blaht!” Andrew makes a gun with his fingers and shoots himself in the head.

“What the fuck did you do to my little sister?!”

Andrew gets down from the bleachers and get’s infront of Matthew’s face. “I didn’t do shit except fuck her tight little pussy,” he laughs. Fuck, I hate when he gets like this.

“Andrew, shut the fuck up!” Cody yells. “Matt, we didn’t do shit, alright? Sorry you found out this way, but leaves alone.”

“No, fuck you! I needed that money! You guys killed her!”

“Fuck you, what the fuck are you going to do about it,” Andrew shouts back, almost laughing. “She killed herself and if anything, it’s your fucking fault!”

“ANDREW!” Cody screams.

It takes us a while, or maybe I just blanked it out when it happened. Matthew has a gun pulled on us. I feel Grace’s hand start to suffocate my arm. Emily backs behind Cody, rightfully scared. I think everyone is. I’ve never seen a real gun before, so why am I not frightened.

“Do it you fucking pussy,” my brother get’s infron of all us, putting his forehead directly on the barrel. “Do it you fucking pussy!” he shouts again.

By now the entire skatepark has noticed and fled the scene except for a few people watching.

I’m not scared. I’m stunned. I don’t recognize my brother. This isn’t him. Grace has moved behind me and clings on my shoulders for her dear life. Ems is holding Cody’s hand, trembling and that’s when I notice Cody isn’t afraid either.

“Fuck you, I didn’t kill my sister!”

“You’re the one who hooked her on that fake shit drug. You don’t smoke real Winter, dumbass. All you had to do was to leave her alone, but nah, you just had to borrow some money and now she’s dead.”

“Andrew just shut up for once! Listen, Matt, put the gun down. No one killed her. No one’s at fault.”

“You’re lying.”

“No one’s lying. We’re just as sad about it as you are, man. Just put the gun down.”

Andrew places his hands on the barrell and shoves it deeper into his skull. “Or you can just shoot me, here and now and avange her.” There’s silence, then there’s, “DO IT YOU FUCKIN’ PUSSY”

And then there’s nothing.

No one shoots. Nothing happens. Matthew drops his arms and walks away. Grace nearly faints on me and Emily falls on her knees. Cody get’s down to take care of her while my brother starts to laugh meniacally. His laughter brings a constant ring on my ear.

The ringing doesn’t stop as we all get home safe and sound. Andrew drops me off last and tells me he’s going to do some drug deals before coming back home.

My room’s a mess. I start to clean as the ringing in my ears continue. My vision is hazy, not sure when that started. It’s like I’m not here. I find a white baggie under one of my jeans. The best part about coke is how fast it takes to come up from it. It fixes my vision and numbs the inside of my nose. Part of falls down to my throat and it numbs backs there too. I love this feeling.

When I go to the bathroom I notice my mascara’s been running. I haven’t even noticed I cried. I rub it allover my face and smile.

“Sara!” I hear a voice but it’s faint compared to the ringin in my ear.

All good things come to an end. Happiness is just a fleeting feeling in a sea of darkness. There’s no such thing as justice and the concept of fair.

All life is, is a series of misery. I was stupid to think otherwise. Every single part of me sinks into the dark abyss that I call home. I clean my hands first and then step out to the bathroom to greet my father. “Yes?”

“Where the fuck have you been!? And why haven’t you cleaned the house?!” My father stands drunkily in the kitchen as he makes a sandwich.

“I was with And-”

“I don’t care! What the fuck did I tell you about staying home!”

Fuck. I hate these parts the most. I’m so scared. Where’s Andrew?

He comes up to me and before I know it I’m in the ground again. I don’t even feel the fist he just threw at me. “How many fucking times do I have to do this for you to fucking learn!”

Again. He hits me again.

And Again.

I can’t leave. Where would I go? Emily’s dad would only let me spend the night over so many times. No one else would take me. I don’t want to leave the city and live with some other fucked up family. I don’t have a choice. I don’t… all I have to do is to suck it up.

I go limp and there’s a moment of nothing.

“You look so much like your mother.”

I can’t think. It’s happening again. He’s on top of me. Why? What’s going on? Why is my shirt open?

Oh.

You’re such a piece of shit for letting him do this. I mean, he’s fucking raping you! What the fuck is wrong with you? All you have to do is tell someone and you could end all this madness. You make me fucking sick, Sara. No wonder daddy isn’t daddy anymore. Mom’s suicide is pretty much all your fault. You made Andrew into a piece of shit. That’s your fault too, should have been there when he needed you. I bet you don’t remember last summer when you took and Lucas’ dick in the ass. But oh no, you just had to enjoy fantasizing eating out all those girls you had crushes on. Why don’t you fantazise about fucking Elizabeth again, or Jana Kramer. Compared to that, this isn’t all that bad, huh? I wonder if Emily would stay your best friend, even a friend at all if she knew all of this. I bet you want to eat her pussy too, huh bitch? What about Grace’s young jailbait pussy? I bet you want a taste of that you whore. It wouldn’t be too hard either, after all she’s just a stupid freshman who could be easily manipulated. I bet Andrew gets to her before you do. Nah, I hope he does just to watch you suffer. Oh? You like it when daddy spanks you don’t you? Yeah you do you fucking slut. You are nothing but a worthless piece of a motherfucking faggot cunt shit. Oh yeah, it’s getting rougher isn’t it?! Fuck yeah; take it like the bitch that you are, SARA! TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT! YOU KNOW YOU LOVE THAT MOTHERFUCKING DISGUSTING COCK! Oh it hurts doesn’t it? By the time you’ll be finished with school your pussy will be fucking loose. NOBODY WOULD WANT YOU! And all you can do is cry and cry and cry. It’s all because you’re nothing but a weak fucking girl. Why haven’t you killed yourself yet? Elizabeth and Mom did. It’s really not that hard. The guy fucking you right now keeps his gun under the bed. DO IT FAGGOT! But you’re too scared. That’s why you snort Yay and pass out. That’s why you drink heavily just like your stupid shit of a rapist father. All you do is hide. You’re weak. Your existence in this fucking universe is fucking meaningless. Remember when you found Mom crying and her hands bleeding and you did nothing! Yeah I bet you fucking regret that stupid night. Hmm, he finished. What a fucking disappointment. Clean your whore dirty body up and cry yourself to sleep you faggot.

I hug my pillow as I scream into it. The tears have made it unbearable to even touch but I don’t care. I don’t care if someone barges in my room and sees me lying in my bed naked without any covers.

I cry.

And I cry.

And I cry.

And I cry.

And I cry.

And I cry.

And I cry.

And I cry.

I need to die. Elizabeth made it seem all so easy.