Emily II

I miss my friends. I miss hanging out all time and cracking jokes with each others. We haven’t been in the same room in a month now. I’m starting to wonder if our friend group is eventually going to split up. That’s the direction I feel it’s going in anyways.

I’ve said things to Cody I sort of regret, but I stood my ground so there’s no reason for me to be afraid. He needs to fix his shit together and this is the only way I can think of that will. He thinks of himself as a monster that doesn’t exist. It’s all in his head. I just hope that he’ll figure that out soon because this town is starting to suffocate me. It just feels like there’s this heavy blanket of air surrounding it at all times. I want to get away.

My dad’s home for once. All it means is that he’s going to lie down on the couch and watch his football games and leave me alone. I wish he paid more attention to me so I wouldn’t feel so alone in this house all the time. I wish he made more time for me, but I understand why he can’t. Ever since Mom left and took my sister with her, he’s been struggling to keep the house.

I stayed so Dad wouldn’t be left alone.

Now I wonder if I made the right call as I watch him get mad at the TV.

Mom called me a couple of days ago. I haven’t seen her since she left for New York and called to ask if I could come to visit for winter break. I haven’t told Dad yet but I want to go. It’ll be the break I need.

I just want to get away from it all.

I’m just trying to come up with the right words on how to ask. I’m sure he’ll say yes, it’s not like he hates my mom. They parted amicably and he hasn’t shown any animosity. Or maybe I just don’t know because I haven’t ever talked to him about it. In fact, I don’t think I ever talked to my dad as a person before. He’s not a bad dad, he spoils me and gives me everything I ask for. He watches my weight for me, makes sure I eat, and makes sure I’m okay at all times. He even knows how to calm me down during my panic attacks.

But I don’t know anything about this man. He likes football and works 60 hours a week in construction at night. That’s all I know about him. I’m not even sure if he has friends or where he disappears on the weekends. Is he dating? Is he seeing someone? My dad’s a stranger to me.

“Dad?”

“Yeah, Ems?”

I’m not sure what to even asks for. Do I ask to go with Mom for a bit? Should I ask for a father-daughter date? Or should I just join him and watch the football game with him?

“Why don’t we ever just hang out?”

Dad mutes the TV and turns his head to me. “What do you mean?”

“It’s just-” I pause. “I don’t know. We never do things together.”

Dad chuckles and looks up before looking back at me. “It’s not like I don’t want to. You’re never home and when you are, you’re always getting ready to go somewhere.”

So I’m also to blame?

“Something on your mind?”

“Can we do something then? Just the two of us?”

Have I ever seen my dad smile before? Is this the first time? “What do you have in mind?”

“Is this okay? You’re watching your game and all?”

Dad turns to the TV and then back at me. “It’s not like the outcome is gonna change by me watching it. Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know. I thought maybe you had a place.”

“I do,” he smiles. “You hungry?”

“Not really,” I giggle. “But I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all I ask for, sweetie.”

He takes me to this restaurant near Pike’s Place. I haven’t been around these parts in a while. I should bring the gang, I’m sure we could have a blast walking around here. Gracie especially would have fun since she’s never been to the city before. We could have a perfect day here.

“I took your mom here on one of our dates,” my dad asks when we get seated.

I noticed we were able to walk in and just ask for a table when my dad mentioned a name I don’t recognize. It further solidifies the point that I don’t know him. This isn’t a restaurant where someone can just walk in and get a table. It’s far too fancy for that.

“How’d that go?”

“I’m pretty sure, Jerrica was conceived that night.”

“Ew, gross, don’t tell me that.”

My dad laughs. Have I ever heard him laugh before? “Then don’t ask questions that you’re not ready to handle the answers to.”

“Do you ever get mad at her?”

“Who and what for?”

“Mom, for leaving.”

Dad shakes his head as our server comes up to us and delivers our drinks. I get plain water and he gets a pint of beer. Dad tells the server to give us a bit of time before we order. “Why would I be mad at your mom?” his attention turns back to me. “We had a wonderful twenty years together. I would call that a successful marriage if anything.”

I don’t even know the whole story of why they broke up. Every time they fought I would just leave the house and go over to Cody’s or the treehouse. I always avoided it. My sister, Jerrica was the one who always dealt with it. All I know is that they kept arguing about being stagnant. Mom always wanted to move but Dad always insisted in staying. They also fought about me and my sickness. Mom thought it would be better if we were in a city and closer to actual facilities where I could get the help I need. I’m sure there were other reasons, these are just the ones I remember.

“Do you miss her? Miss Jerrica?” Dad asks.

“Sometimes. I mean, I talk to Jerrica nearly every day so it's hard to say I miss her. But mom? Yeah, I do although she can be a real hardass at times.”

My dad chuckles, “She just wanted the best for you.”

“And you don’t?”

“I just want you to walk at your own pace, Emily. You’re your own person, I’m only here to support you the best I can.”

“Why did you and Mom break up?”

“People just fall out of love. They start to see the world differently from each other and are unable to find that connection they once shared, but that’s okay. I think that’s the best part of life, the ability to change. It’s also one of the worst.”

His words resonate.

We don’t talk much after that. It’s hard to talk to him after what he just said. Instead, we have dumb small talk like strangers do. He asks me how school is going and I tell him about our new friend Grace.

We order then our food arrives. I ordered something small, something I can handle but even then I can only stare at it. Eating used to be so simple when I was getting better. Lately, I find myself forgetting to eat even if someone reminds me.

“You don’t have to force yourself, Ems,” My dad says.

“Do you think my sickness will ever come back?

“Has it ever left?”

“It comes and goes, lately I’ve been fine the past couple of months.”

“Last time was at the beginning of the year, right?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s good to hear, it takes longer to come back each time.”

I look back down at my food. It’s easier to look at now so I pick up the fork and take a bite. I think the reason why Dad is so understanding is because he knows how hard my life will be. I’m recovering from anorexia, I could fall back into it at any time. I’m small, frail, and weak.

But we weren’t talking about my anorexia just then. It’s something I forget I have because I try to enjoy the days when the sickness isn’t there. I’ll live a difficult life because whenever it does come back, I’ll need a person to take care of me. I’m just a burden.

They call it Myalgic encephalomyelitis, or Chronic fatigue syndrome. Basically, there are periods in my life where no amount of sleep can cure the pure exhaustion I feel when it comes up. It doesn’t matter if I force myself out of bed or do things I need to do, I’ll always be too tired and then it’ll only make it worse. It’s not depression just raw exhaustion.

When I was little and first experienced it, I slept for three days straight. I then stayed up for seven and when I went back to sleep, I never woke back up. That’s when I almost died. That’s when I got the habit of never eating. All of these problems from one disease that nobody even knows how I got or how it exists.

“I’ve been meaning to ask,” My dad asks as he watches me continue to eat. “How are you feeling after your friend’s death? Has it gotten better?”

“Elizabeth? Oh yeah. I guess it’s been getting better.”

“Her mother and I used to be in the same class together. We used to be close friends. You probably don’t remember but when you two were toddlers, we used to play together all the time.”

“What? How old was I?”

“Two or three. You two were inseparable.”

“What happened?”

“Elizabeth’s mom got remarried and her husband didn’t like me. Somehow always thought I had a thing with her even though I was with your mother. One day we just stopped talking, as he wished.”

“Wow, what an asshole. Ellie and I used to know each other that long ago. Huh.”

“It’s a small town. I grew up with Aldric. It’s why you and Cody are a thing.”

“You ever notice any different about it? The town I mean. You’ve been here your whole life, right?”

“I wouldn’t say my whole life,” Dad smiles. “Your mom’s from New York. I spent a good few years over there trying to win her over.”

I like it when he smiles.

“But yeah, I guess you can say Darkwood has changed. We would all just get drunk when I was your age. It was hard to find good weed. Getting hard drugs was even harder. You kids have it good.”

My heart drops but I try to play it off. It doesn’t work and my dad just laughs at me. “What?”

“It’s cute how scared you look right now,” he laughs even harder. “C’mon, it’s not like you try your best to hide it. Your room smells like a skunk half the night. I’m not mad.”

“You’re not?”

“Are you being safe? Not doing too much, not being taken advantage of?

“No.”

“Ems, Darkwood is a boring place. We used to get blackout drunk every day just to pass the time. Just as long as you're being safe, it’s all okay to me. And I know how smart you are so I know you’ll be okay. Does that make me a bad father, for saying all that?”

“Um, I’m not sure. But you are super fucking cool,” I giggle.

“I’m glad I have your approval, just don’t do too much please.”

“I know.”

“I’m serious, don’t become an addict. Elizabeth’s mother, her name is Cecilia. Her firstborn became an addict and she had to throw him out. I watched him grow up and throw his life away. I don’t want that to be you.”

“It won’t, I promise.”

“Good,”

I remember Elizabeth’s brother. I never personally met him but I saw when they were reunited by pure chance. Maybe she thought she could salvage their relationship and bring him back, but he fucked up. All I know is he became another source of drugs when we cut her off. If it wasn’t for him Cody wouldn’t have found the meth pipe, he wouldn’t have gotten so angry, and wouldn’t try to hurt her, hurting me instead.

It’s not Cody’s fault. I know he feels guilty about it, that he doesn’t want to be like his father when he was young. All I can do is to support him and assure him that it isn’t him, but lately, that’s been so difficult.

So far I have only done things to hurt him instead.

And I’ll continue to do so until he becomes himself again.

He’s the only person aside from my Dad or sister who understands my sickness; he’s the only person who’s there when I do get sick. Cody is the only person who’ll stick through it and take care of me. He’s my best friend, my soul mate, and the only person I ever see myself with in the future. All I want is the old Cody back.

But then we started high school, started doing drugs, going to parties, dating other people, dating Elizabeth, then she dies and it all changes and nothing is the same. I don’t think it’ll ever be the same.

So why am I so desperate to hang on to something that’s already gone?

Why do I keep pretending that I’m a good person and deserve my happy ending?

I just don’t want to be alone.

Dad takes us home after dinner. We talk more on the way back while I admire the light drizzle falling down outside. It’s not that I never knew my father. He’s always been here, I just never tried. It’s one of those things that I never thought to cherish. He’s much easier to get along with than mom; who is abrasive and always so judgemental. I never did ask Jerrica why she decided to go with her.

I don’t even know my own mother.

Do people even know me? They don’t ask about my interests and hobbies. All everyone cares about is if they can come to my kickbacks or if I can score drugs for them. All guys just become my friend just so they can fuck me. All girls want to be my friend because being my friend means they become noticeable.

I’m not a person, just an object.

I’m just an object to Andrew.

I’m truly alone, aren’t I?

In the end, I don’t ask my dad if I could go to New York to visit Mom and Jerrica. It’s not that I can’t. I’m even more sure he’ll say yes now.

It’s just that Mom also asked me to stay with her if I liked it over there. I don’t know if I could do that to Dad, but New York is the one place where I can actually pursue my dream. Nobody here knows me, nobody here cares what I want to do with my life and nobody has the tools to support me.

In New York, I can actually try to become a fashion designer.

I don’t do anything but go up to my room, get high and text Andrew and Sara.

Chris unexpectedly sends me a text, “the lady with the white hair hasn’t left my mind,” he says.

“You’re just in your head again, try to relax.”

He fears that what we saw yesterday wasn’t real. Poor boy, I really do wish he laid off the psychedelics. He says we should never worry. I know he’s the most intelligent person I’ll ever meet and knows what he’s doing, but I still worry.

Then Gracie sends me a text: “I found this really cool scarf today at the store. Thought of u, sending pic.”

I need to be a better friend to Grace. She’s so young, she doesn't need to turn into one of us. She doesn’t need to turn into me. She’s far too cute to deserve that fate.

I think she’s the only pure thing left in this town.

I lay down on my bed and pray for things to start being the same before all of this bullshit started happening. Something has to change because I can’t continue to pretend that everything is fine. Everyone is still on edge and I’m about to explode. I just want something to change.

Anything.