TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

AAAARRRRRGGGHHH! The BobCo order site just crashed again.

I want my animatronic 1/5th life size P'Thok Festive Gourd Action Figure to put on my lawn to keep away the Malevolent Holiday Gourd!

I want my 1/3rd size P'Thok Chiapet Head!

I WANT MY GENUINE TERRAN CARVING GOURD!

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!

WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK!

GIVE ME MY GENUINE BOBCO MALEVOLENT GOURD CARVERS!

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

PUBVIAN DOMINION

Does he always get like this?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

HAT WEARING AUNTIE

You have no idea.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TELKAN FORGE WORLD

During the "How P'Thok Totally On Purpose And Not At All Accidentally Saved Christmas" viewing he was literally frothing at the mouth.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

AKLTAK FREE FLIGHT

He's totally hooked, isn't he?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK!

I'M RUBBING MY CREDSTICK ON THE SCREEN BUT NOTHING'S HAPPENING

WORK WORK WORK WORK

TAKE MY MONEY!

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

LANTAKTALLAN GREAT GRAZING FIELD OF THOUGHT

Wow...

It's almost awe inspiring

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

HAT WEARING AUNTIE

One of these days I need to look up how many Treana'ad have strokes during holiday specials.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

DARK CRUSADE OF LIGHT

SILENCE

THE AFOREMENTIONED VISUAL AND AUDIO MEDIA IS ABOUT TO RESUME!

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TREA runs screaming across the chat room to slam the BobCo ordering page against the wall over and over.

WHY. MUST. LIFE. BE. SO. HARD?

RIGEL Sets TREA to +M

P'Thok stared at the map spread out on his desk, his bladearms rustling the paper as he slowly traced the lines between each of the killings. The only thing not complete was the mouth.

It would only take eleven more killings to complete.

_[]_

Each tooth was four killings.

Three more teeth and the mouth would be complete.

P'Thok examined the calendar again.

It would be October 31st on Terra.

Oddly enough, there would be a solar eclipse on Smokey Cone that exact day.

P'Thok had learned, during his time in the military, that few things were coincidence. Things that looked like coincidences were often just the observer missing crucial details and data.

P'Thok rubbed his head between his antenna, his other hand reaching up to touch the grip of the plasma pistol that had been in his possession when he had totally on purpose saved Christmas.

There was a pattern here.

He just knew it.

DUN DUN DOO!

BOBCO AND GURDY'S DUCK OIL PRESENT IT'S THE GREAT FESTIVE HOLIDAY GOURD, P'THOK! WITH LIMITED COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS!

BOBCO AND GURDY'S! PAMPER YOUR DUCK TODAY WITH THEIR FINE PRODUCTS!

DUN DUN DOO!

"Another killing," P'Thok said, moving up to the site and looking down. The moomoos were spread out, four of them, each pointing at a direction diagonal to the compass points. He moved over to the technicians. "Any clues?"

The workers shook their heads.

"We will increase surveillance on the other herds, attempt to catch the perpetrator in the act," one of the poncho wearing Grays said.

"We believe it is some kind of activity of the Reptillians," another Gray said.

"So your master plan is, and correct me if I'm wrong, to just watch the other herds and try to catch them in the act?" P'Thok asked.

"Yes," another Gray said. It glanced at the naked one, that was busy hip-thrusting a slow circle around the crime scene.

"Thus, sentencing at least five more moomoos, innocent and loving creatures, to death just because you cannot conceptualize a way to catch the killer," P'Thok said. "Of which, you are positive is a Reptilian, a race not seen since the Terrans beat them bloody."

All three of the non-hip thrusting grays nodded.

"While we feel disappointment at what is unavoidable casualties among the bos taurus population of this planet, five is statistically a low number," one of the Grays stated. "We are sure we will catch a Reptilian in the act this time."

"But, isn't there a way to protect the moomoos?" Matron So'Luki asked, wringing her hands.

The grays shook their heads, except for the one at the far side, who was still hipthrusting his way around the circle. "No. To increase security may make the perpetrators choose new targets. We are lucky that our office discovered the pattern of the killings."

P'Thok raised his antenna. "Your office?"

"Yes," the Gray folded his arms over his poncho. "Our office had realized it just before your office transferred the data," the Gray managed to look smug despite a featureless face. "Once again, proving the superiority of the Galactic Arm Marshall's Office."

P'Thok just stared, then turned away to survey it again.

The four gourd clusters, one at each compass point, the four moomoos, each facing in between each compass point, and how the vines formed a circle around the moomoos.

"No," P'Thok said, turning away from the scene and staring at the Marshall. "I will not stand by and wait for more killers."

"You will not interfere in the investigation, P'Thok. You are a planetary magistrate consultant. We are law enforcement officers for the galactic spur, with training far more than your mind could comprehend," one of the grays said, its back going rigid. "It is advisable that you step aside, put away whatever plots you have concocted, and allow the Galactic Magistrate Office to handle this."

The other Gray smirked somehow, despite never changing expression.

"You'd be wise to consider the consequences," it said.

Matron So'Luki blinked and rested her hands on her pistol grips in outrage.

The hip thrusting Gray stopped and turned its head to stare at the one that had just spoke.

"I will proceed with my investigation! I will stop this killer or killers and bring them to justice!" P'Thok said, standing up to his full height and staring down at the Gray. "You would be wise to remember that the Treana'ad people are as martially gifted as they are clever."

The Gray nodded, swallowing, remembering one of the statistics his people so loved.

Over 22% of all combat engagements against the Terrans had resulted in Treana'ad victory.

Looking up at P'Thok, the Grays suddenly realized that having an infantry being that stood ten feet tall, three body heights of a civilized species, as well as ten feet long and five feet wide, capable of running up to 40 mph, had been a great equalizer. Those infantry had faced the Terran Republic war machine unflinchingly.

An infantry being like P'Thok, who stared down at them from under the brim of his moomoo tender hat.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE IMPORTANT MESSAGES!

AKLTAK SOARING WORLDS

Think he's calmed down?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

RIGEL has set TREA to -M

WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH!

TAKE MY MONEY! TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT!

RIGEL has set TREA to +M

RIGEL

Oh, yes, it appears, with the advertisement of limited edition P'Thok carving sets, that our horrifically culture cracked friend has indeed calmed down.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

LANAKTALLAN GREAT GESTALT CHANNEL

I cannot understand such rampant consumerism.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

HAT WEARING AUNTIE

Oh, really?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

HAT WEARING AUNTIE sets COMMERCIAL-FEED to SPECIES SPECIFIC

LANAKTALLAN GREAT GESTALT OF GREAT THOUGHTS AND GREAT IDEAS

Bah, I'm sure...

wait...

...is that a limited time Festive Gourd Holiday P'Thok animated sash symbol?

WAIT! IT'S TAKING TO LONG TO PUT MY CREDIT NUMBER IN!!!!

AAHHHH! THE NUMBER AVAILABLE IS STILL GOING DOWN!

AHHH!! IT WANTS MY CVC NUMBER TOO!

STOP GOING DOWN!

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TELKAN FORGE WORLDS

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

HAT WEARING AUNTIE

I wouldn't be so quick to laugh, Snickery Joe

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TELKAN FORGE WORLDS

Oh, I totally get it.

Right now there are at least two million podlings jumping up and down and pointing at the Tri-Vee that they want a Festive Holiday Gourd P'Thok Playset while the BobCo "buy right now" jingle goes on in the background.

It's just funny because it isn't me.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

RIGEL

Oh. You know, I've got something REALLY scary to share with you all.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TNVARU GRIPPING HANDS

How scary?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

RIGEL

Probably the most terrifying thing that everyone here will ever hear.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

LEEBAW CONTEMPLATION POOL

Well?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

...

...

...

RIGEL

The Digitally Recreated Head of Gabe Newell in a Jar...

...

...

...

AKLTAK GESTALT

OH MY DIGITAL OMNIMESSIAH I CAN'T TAKE THE SUSPENSE!

...

...

...

released the RABIES 3.5 virus on his own servers and superluminal repeaters, routers, and ultraviolet cloud servers.

The Nebula-Steam System is totally crashed. Even the store pages are on Local SystemNet only.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

...

...

...

HAT WEARING AUNTIE

By the Old Gods...

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

PUBVIAN DOMINION

Did they go offline during the Glassing?

--NOTHING FOLLOWS---

RIGEL

No.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

KOBOLD GESTALT

It's... it's like hearing that something is just gone.

You know, like the line in the movie where the heroes hear that the city they grew up in is just... gone.

Like the Buenos Aires Incident.

I... I'm in shock.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

WE NOW RETURN TO THE CHARLIE THE MOO MOO POWER HOUR HOLIDAY SPECIAL, IT'S THE GREAT FESTIVE HOLIDAY GOURD, P'THOK! already in progress.

P'Thok stared at the large worker Treana'ad that came almost up to his bladearms.

"YOU'RE A LOOSE CANNON, P'THOK! IF YOU WEREN'T A WAR HERO, I'D HAVE YOUR BADGE! ANOTHER GIBBITY CALIFORNIA RAISINS DANCING WITH ANNE FRANK IN THE GLITTERBOMB HALLS BLATHERTY YUMPING YIMMITY!" the Captain yelled. "EVERYONE'S WATCHING YOU, P'THOK! IF YOU SCREW THIS UP, YOUR PANTS WILL BE DANCING WITH FIGS!"

The Captain sat back down and waved one short bladearm.

"And you'll be working with the new guy from Terra," the Captain said.

"Captain, I don't need a partner! I'm not even a police officer!" P'Thok protested.

"YOU ARE WHAT I SAY YOU ARE NOW GET OUT THERE AND GET TO WORK BECAUSE CRIME ISN'T TAKING A HOLIDAY GIBBITY SHIBBITY DOO!" the Captain bellowed.

P'Thok just nodded and left the Captain's office.

A short worker stood there. "Hello, P'Thok? I'm Mal'Kawp, graduated ninety-seventh out of a thousand in the Academy," the worker said.

P'Thok just grunted. "Just stay out of my way and try not to get killed."

"It's a great honor to work with you, P'Thok," the worker said.

"Uh-huh," P'Thok said. He moved into his office and pulled the power rifle off his back, then set down the two pistols, then the pistol rig with the inlaid and decorated plasma pistol.

"Why all the guns, Honored P'Thok?" the newbie asked. "The war is over."

"Because even though they say crime doesn't pay, apparently it pays enough to buy big guns or comes with free guns. Even as a private investigator, I've learned that," P'Thok said, looking at the map. He shook his head. "This makes sense, but I cannot see the whole picture."

The newbie looked at it. "Are you sure you aren't seeing a pattern where there isn't one?" Mal'Kawp asked.

P'Thok picked up the coffee cup and took a long drink off of it, then moved over to the caf-beaker on the empty desk, stopping long enough to cram two donuts and a candybar in his mouth before refilling the cup.

"Uh, Honored P'Thok, I'm not sure that much sugar is good for you," Mal'Kawp said.

"I suffer sugar and caffeine cravings since my accidental ice cream overdose on Terra," P'Thok said, munching on a donut as he moved up and stared at the wall map. "The pattern is there. More than just the visage of the terrible malevolent gourd. A pattern I cannot see."

Another officer of the Magistrate office came in and clacked her bladearms together to get P'Thok's attention.

P'Thok and Mal'Kawp turned and looked at the young female, who held out file folders. "You wanted any information on anything weird on Smokey Cone that happened during the same time frame as the Mysterious Moomoo Murders?"

P'Thok nodded. "Yes."

"I have it right here," the female said, coming into the room. She fluttered her vestigal wings and smiled at P'Thok shyly.

P'Thok took a bite from his donut, then lit a cigarette before taking the papers. "Thank you, lovely," he said, handing a self-lighting cigarette to Mal'Kawp.

The officer batted the lids of her compound eyes before backing out of the office, giving P'Thok a long look and giving a snort when she glanced at Mal'Kawp when he exhaled smoke.

P'Thok opened up the folders, looking at the data. He began taking red pins and putting them into the map. Mal'Kawp watched carefully, astounded at how calm P'Thok had been when the young female had been emitting such a cloud of pheromones.

P'Thok stepped back and looked at the map.

"It has already started," P'Thok said, pointing at the map.

"What?" Mal'Kawp said.

"There. A pattern. Twelve years prior, twelve patterns. Each getting more and more complex. The complexity gives away this, the thirteenth pattern," P'Thok said. He reached out and grabbed his pistols. "Let's go, rookie."

AKLTAK>IT'S SO SUSPENSEFUL!

Mal'Kawp followed P'Thok to the garage, where the battered armored grav-lifter, obviously military surplus, sat between law enforcement vehicles. When Mal'Kawp got in, P'Thok reached forward and turned on the stereo, flooding the car with Terran classical music.

Mal'Kawp winced and reached out, turning the radio again.

"Sensitive hearing," Mal'Kawp said sheepishly.

P'Thok just nodded, reaching into the glove box and pulling out a donut, taking a deep bite of it and chewing thoughtfully as he pulled out into the stream of traffic that moved through the night.

"Do you really think we'll find clues in an abandoned hive city?" Mal'Kawp asked.

P'Thok nodded. "The city was built for the expected population explosion that comes with a Grand Hatching, but the Grand Hatching didn't happen thanks to the knoweldge wrested from the Terrans," P'Thok said.

"By you," Mal'Kawp said.

"And my men, and Matron Mi'Luki," P'Thok said. He tapped the steering yoke that moved as the grav-lifter drove itself on auto-drive.

Rain was splattering the windshield as the military surplus grav-lifter roared through the traffic, heading for the abandoned hive city.

The radio squawked and both Treana'ad looked at it.

The speaker was practically gibberish to Mal'Kawp, who gave a shout of surprise as P'Thok suddenly grabbed the steering yoke, shut off autodrive with a slap of one bladearm, and hit the accellerator.

"What? I didn't catch it!" Mal'Kawp said.

"Matron So'Luki was attacked at her estate," P'Thok said. "Her guards are engaged with the attacker, but they aren't sure they can hold out."

The grav lifter's engines screamed as the lifter pulled out of the normal traffic routes and sped for the estates of the wealthy and powerful Cattle Matron.

TELKAN FORGE WORLDS

IT'S SO SUSPENSEFUL!