His knee shook up and down violently and his knuckles turned white from the tight grip on the steering wheel. He kept his eyes concentrated on the road, looking over at me in the corner of his eyes every minute or so. I knew better than to ask where we were going.

I was smart enough to figure out that we were heading towards his house; I recognized the area. However, I couldn't figure out why of all places this is where we were going.

I looked down at my lap, trying to recollect all my thoughts. What happened in the detention room felt like days ago, not less than a half hour ago. Everything Dylan said made no sense to me. How could he possibly think that Carson was in love with me?

I didn't notice the car stop. I only broke out of my thoughts when the car door slammed shut and I watched Carson walk away from the car.

I got out and followed after him. He walked into his house, leaving the front door open for me. He wasn't really waiting for me; he just made his way into the living room. I closed the front door and followed suit.

The first thing I noticed was how pristinely clean the house was. Sure, no one was living here, but still. The television remotes were lined up on the edge of a glass coffee table, the throw pillows on the couches were neatly placed and the blankets were neatly folded. There wasn't so much as a speck of dust anywhere.

Minutes passed by and Carson still hadn't moved from where he stood across the room with his back to me.

I tried thinking of something, anything to say, but I couldn't. A large part of me didn't even want to be here right now.

Finally, he turned around, his eyes finding mine immediately.

"Madeline, I-" He cut himself off.

"Carson, I need to know if it's true."

He ran a hand through his hair and let out a long breath of air. He shook his head as if choosing not to respond. I was trying not to be frustrated or scared, but the longer we stood here in silence, the tighter the knot in my stomach got.

"Is it true, Carson?"

"Of course it's true, Madeline."

My eyes widened. I shook my head.

"Maddie..."

"No, Carson! Why- what- why didn't you tell me?"

"You weren't ready. You still aren't, but I don't really have a choice anymore."

"You always had a choice. How long have you been choosing to keep this from me?"

He shook his head, "Trust me, Maddie, you don't want to know."

"Why not?"

"Because if I tell you five years, you'll freak out."

I stepped back, "Five years? You've... five years?"

"Maybe. I don't know. Can you just come here? And sit with me?"

I didn't move. I just stared at him in disbelief. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to explode, and I had this uneasy, vomity feeling.

"Please?"

He sighed and came over to me. He reached out to take my hand, but I pulled away. He sat down on the couch in front of me, and beckoned for me to do the same. I hesitantly sat down on the opposite side of the couch.

"Maddie, I never wanted to hurt you," He started. "But when all this started, I was 11 and used to getting everything I wanted. And when you didn't want me, and I couldn't have you, that sucked. I wasn't yet used to the concept that just because I wanted something doesn't mean I could just have it."

He scratched the back of his neck, laughing to himself. I tried not to notice the way his leg was shaking up and down and how he was wringing his hands in his lap.

"Middle school was fine because I figured eventually I would grow out of it. But that never happened. And when high school came, you hated my guts. It hurt. I actually felt sick that you hated me."

A little part of me felt guilty at this point. In truth, I didn't like him in middle school, but I also didn't really like any guys in middle school other than Dylan, because I'd known him since I was in diapers, and Jason, because he just kind of molded in with me and Luna. But at the beginning of high school, before I started really hating Carson, I used to really like him. I just didn't know how to show it, I guess.

"I figured if it meant keeping you in my life, I could learn to hate you too," Carson continued. "Eventually, I hated so much how you hated me, that my hate became somewhat real I guess."

The crush I had on Carson faded pretty quickly. Damien asked me out in October of freshman year. That's when Carson got to be kind of an irritating dick and I really started disliking him. It all went downhill from there.

"What really hurt though was when you started dating that loser, Damien," he laughed again. "God, he infuriated me, and I was just looking for a reason to punch him. And when he spoke in the locker room about how he took your virginity and what you were like in bed, I had more than enough reason."

"Oh my god." I said, slowly putting the pieces together.

"He deserved every bit of it, the way he was talking about you. Like you were some kind of damn object."

"That's why you beat him up. Because of me?"

He nodded, "You shouldn't of had to have sex for the first time with that loser."

I put my head in my hands, trying to piece everything together. This was all so much to take in. It was as if someone had erased every single thing I thought I knew about Carson, and replaced it in an instant.

"And then this year, you finally wanted me. Well, not fully, but I figured I could earn you. In the mean time, having some of you was a lot better than having none of you."

I shook my head, "I don't understand. I don't. This. This is all too much."

I couldn't look at him right now. I don't know why, but I thought that if I looked at him, I might just cry or scream.

"Five years?" I asked.

"More or less, I guess."

"No, but what about... you're always sleeping with a bunch of girls and-"

He actually laughed. "Seriously? You're smart enough to have figure it out by now."

"What do you mean?"

"My rule, Maddie."

I looked up at him, catching his eyes for the first time all night. I shook my head, "No. Carson, no."

"What else was I supposed to do? I wanted you, but I couldn't have you. And I know it's awful, but since I could have anyone else, I used them to forget you. The one-time only rule was more of a precaution for their sake; I didn't want anyone getting attached, not that it really worked."

"You just- you're making this even harder for me."

He kept talking, almost ignoring my words, "But after having you once, it was over. I couldn't have anyone else. They weren't you."

I shook my head. He couldn't be serious.

"Madeline, I can't explain how much I care about you. I love your laugh. I love that you care about Katie. I love the way you smile at me when no one else is around. I love the way your body fits so perfectly next to mine when we're sleeping. I love how you know you're a horrible cook but you still try to make us breakfast. I love when you steal my clothes and look better in them than I do. I love that my bedsheets smell like you. And I love that even though right now you want no more than to run away, you're not going to because you're worried you'd hurt me."

I don't remember the last time Carson ever spoke so much. It was weird because I could literally feel how much he cared about me, and how he truly meant every word. Just the look in his eyes was enough of a tell.

He sighed, "Maddie, I wasn't being completely honest when I said I didn't tell you because you weren't ready. I wasn't ready either."

"Carson, I-"

"Look, Mads. I'm not asking you to just all of a sudden start loving me. You just needed to know."

I closed my eyes to give myself a minute to just breathe and focus. My head was pounding.

When I opened my eyes again, I looked past Carson. I looked to the window and saw that the sun had almost completely set, and there was just a thin golden rim lining the horizon.

"Come on," Carson said standing up. "I promised Katie we'd stop by tonight."

He came over to my side of the couch, reaching out his hand for me. This time I took it.

* * *

"Maddie, you okay?"

I looked up from my lap and saw that Katie was looking at me with concern. I forced my leg to stop shaking.

I put on a smile, "Yeah I'm fine, sorry."

Katie had moved on to something else, I think it was about some TV show she had been watching lately. I couldn't really concentrate because I could feel Carson's eyes on me. I didn't want to look at him.

We had been here for about two hours and I had said all of maybe two sentences. Katie was trying to carry the conversation, but she was having more trouble speaking tonight than usual, so Carson was doing a lot of the talking.

I was again broken from my thoughts when Carson cleared his throat.

"It's getting late, and you need to sleep. Maddie and I should head out."

Katie nodded, "Alright, but I want to talk to Maddie alone first."

I nodded and stayed in my seat by Katie's bed. Carson looked over the both of us before leaving the room.

"What's up?" I asked.

"I need you to promise me something."

"Okay?"

"When I die, make sure Carson doesn't do something stupid."

"Katie, how-"

"Maddie, I can't move. I can't eat. It hurts to breathe. I'm dying. Soon." She didn't even look phased by it. "Listen, I need to know that there's going to be someone there for him."

"What about your parents?"

"Even if, Carson won't let them be there for him. He needs you. He loves you."

"How could you know that?"

"Because you're all he ever talks about. Honestly, I wish I could throw a pillow at him sometimes."

Great. So everyone except me knows that Carson is in love with me. I must be really oblivious.

"Just promise me he'll be okay when I'm gone."

"He'll be okay. I promise."