“So, how are we going to do this?” Vala asked me while I sat in my new rocking chair that the beavers made for me, Clawdia and Mariet both resting their chins against my lap so that I could easily pet their heads.

I also had my “BHHE” shirt on that Vala got for me, but I had no idea what that acronym meant and she didn’t want to tell me what it meant, either. She just told me to wear it, so I did. What was I supposed to do? Not wear a present from one of my wives? As if. “Doing what?” I asked her, continuing to pet Clawdia and Mariet. Clawdia happily purred against my lap while Mariet let out grumbling zombie noises, but in a purring way.

“You know, the forest. What happened before you passed out.”

“Why do we need to talk about it? We both already know what happened.”

Vala narrowed her eyes at me. “It’s not for us, it’s for everybody else! You know, like… Clawdia!” Vala dramatically pointed a finger toward Clawdia, causing her to tilt her head.

“Nyaa? I’m too comfy to listen to exposition,” Clawdia said before going back to purring.

“Then—then Mariet!” Vala dramatically pointed a finger at Mariet.

Mariet then mumbled out, “All… I want… is petting… and,” she turned to look toward my crotch, “Master’s—”

“Shh!” Clawdia cut her off. “Listen, I’ve accepted you as a fellow maid so long as you acknowledge me as the superior maid, nya, and that’s why I’m going to help you out here. You can’t just admit to what you want. You’re supposed to play hard to get and be pouty and cute and never honest with yourself, because tsundere maids are the best maids.”

Vala blinked a couple of times. “I thought you didn’t want her stealing your trope of being the maid? And now you want her to be both a maid and tsundere?”

“I-it’s not like I want her to be a fellow tsundere maid or anything! I’m… I just feel obligated to look out for her because she’s another queen who had her castle blown up and because she understands how superior maid culture is! All I’m doing is helping her out a little, nya!”

“But,” Mariet spoke up, “I… don’t want to hide… my feelings. I would… rather… faithfully serve… Master… and pleasure him… with every waking second… of my life. A maid… exists… to be used…”

“You—you really are an advanced maid… your maid class might even be a higher level than mine, nya. B-but, if that’s what it means to be such a professional maid, then…” Clawdia turned her head to look up at me, being careful to make sure that my hand never left her head. “You—you can use me and my entire body whenever you want, however you want! It’s—it’s not like I want to be used by you or anything, but, it’s, nya, my duty as your maid! That’s right! I’m only doing it because I’m—”

“You’re being too loud,” I said. “Shut up and go back to acting like a puppy getting her head petted.”

Clawdia’s entire body trembled and a perverted smile took over her lips as she moaned and went back to her previous position.

I told her that I would treat her like trash for encouragement in the last battle, and this was still part of that. Obviously, I didn’t think she needed to shut up… but she enjoyed me talking to her like that. So, I did my best to satisfy her.

“Besides,” I continued, “you don’t need to tell me the obvious. I knew from the moment I saw you that your body belongs to me. You only exist to be my toy, so don’t explain the obvious to me.”

Clawdia twitched and moaned to the point where Window would probably arrive to yell at me if I went into greater detail about just how much she was doing those two things. So, let’s just say that, with those words alone, Clawdia was satisfied.

“Drake… you’re like a completely different man now,” Vala said. “Also, hot.”

“Don’t say I’m like a different man just because I’m giving her some service,” I said.

“Hehe. My little Drake is all grown up and—wait. It’s weird if I say that because of our age difference… I—I mean! I’m—I’m forever eighteen! That’s right! You’re older than me! So it’s okay if I say something like that because it’s obviously ironic due to you totally being older than me!”

“Okay, granny.”

All the color drained from Vala’s already pale skin as she took a step back. “I’m—I’m old enough to be in GILF territory…”

“At least you look great for your age.”

Vala was pretty easy to please seeing as how that was enough to redden her cheeks a bit, bringing out a smug smile on her face as she held a hand over her chest. “Of—of course! I’m the cutest dragon ever, after all! Be-besides… I can’t be a GILF until I’m a grandma, and I can’t be a grandma until Love-chan has a kid! Or Luca.”

“I’m killing any boy who goes near them.”

“Don’t be like that. Besides, how do you know they’ll be boys?”

“I’m all for gender equality, so I’ll kill any girl who goes near them, too.”

Vala sighed and said, “Such a tsundere dad. I can see it now. Someday, one of your daughters will bring their partner here, you’re going to be all tsundere and act like a threatening badass, and then get distracted by fluff and go into total baby mode surrounding yourself with fluff and ruining your badass threats.”

“Probably, but still. I’ve always wanted to act like one of those overly protective macho dads who sits on a rocking chair with a shotgun while his daughter brings her partner over for the first time to meet me. Just let me act like that once and I’ll get it out of my system.”

“Okay, deal. Anyways—”

“Love-chan?” Delphi asked, appearing out of basically nowhere to hug Vala from behind. “Who’s that?”

Vala looked like she couldn’t have been any happier. “Thank you, Delphi, for pressing your boobs against my back and for letting me use you as an excuse to do an exposition dump.”

“Oh! I got an idea!”

“What?”

“Exposition soup! It’s soup where every time you eat some, you learn stuff!”

“How—how would we even make something like that?”

“The person who wants to do the exposition has to think about everything they want to talk about while making the soup to fill the soup with knowledge to share with everybody who eats it!”

“But what if somebody eats one bite of exposition and somebody else gets another bite of exposition, and then they’re missing the other piece and get confused because somebody else already ate it?”

“Ooh… that might be a problem. It’s like if one person gets all the carrots in their bowl and then another person gets all the potatoes!”

“Right, right.” Vala nodded with each “right.”

That was when I said, “Couldn’t you just make it so that no matter what you have in your spoon of soup, you get all the information?”

Delphi looked shocked that I would even suggest such a thing. “No! That removes the conflict!”

“Why does soup need conflict?”

“Because conflict makes everything better! Even soup! There’s no risk or danger if you remove the conflict!”

“I don’t want to be in danger when I eat soup!”

“It makes the soup more meaningful!”

“Soup doesn’t need meaning!”

“Soup needs more meaning than anything else! Soup is representative of humanity’s hope and dreams! Soup is there for us when we’re starving, when we have random ingredients but not enough for specific recipes so we just throw them all into a pot together, whenever it’s freezing cold outside and we need something to warm us up, and even babies can make it! Soup is the ultimate soup!”

“Naruhodo,” Vala said.

“Naruhodo?” I asked.

“It’s weeaboo for ‘I see.’ Look, this far into the series, anybody still reading this doesn’t get to complain about me being a weeb. Only a weeb would still be reading this. So, I’m going to start embracing my weeb side more.”

“Well, if it makes you happy, but I’m probably going to be asking you what words mean more often if you start talking like that.”

“It’s okay. That just means I get to be a cute, forever-eighteen waifu teaching my husbando about the cool slang us weeb kids use.”

“Right. Anyways.”

“Look, it hurts me when you go ‘right, anyways’ right after I be all cute.”

“Right. Anyways.”

“Gah! I’m on critically low health now… the only thing that can make me feel better is hugging my face against some boobs…”

“On it, Master!” Delphi eagerly said, spinning Vala around, grabbing her by her head, and pulling her down right against her breasts. Vala’s face completely disappeared inside of Delphi’s cleavage.

“That… looks nice,” Mariet said. “Master… I need… my face buried… against your crotch…”

“Only burying,” I said. “No kissing, licking, or rubbing.”

“Your terms… are acceptable.”

So, with that, I detached Mariet’s head from her neck, spread my legs a little, and pressed her face against my crotch.

…

“What?” I asked Window now that she arrived.

You know exactly what the issue here is.

“No I don’t. Please, explain it to me.”

YOU’RE RUBBING A GIRL’S FACE AGAINST YOUR CROTCH IN A WHOLESOME TOTALLY NEVER LEWD STORY

“And? If I can rub my face against boobs, and the rest of you can rub your face against boobs, then how is this any different?”

IT’S TOTALLY DIFFERENT

wait.

“It’s about gender equality, Window!”

oh no I’ve made things worse by bringing it up

“What does a woman’s chest have? Breasts. What does a man’s crotch have? Balls. Both are spherical objects that somebody likes to press against. In both cases, we’re clothed. Delphi is clothed but Vala is rubbing her face against her boobs. My crotch is completely covered up and Mariet is pressing her face against my balls. There is nothing but gender equality here. If anything, Delphi has cleavage showing, so she’s actually more exposed than me. Would it be alright if I showed off ball cleavage? Probably not. And why? Because of discrimination against men. If anything, if a man chooses to, men should be allowed to walk around with ball cleavage just like how women walk around with breast cleavage. That would be true gender equality.”

this is such a bad take that i regret saying anything at all

“Anything that can be done with boobs for the sake of fanservice can also be done with balls. That’s a new law of the universe.”

“I… approve,” Mariet mumbled, her voice muffled against my crotch.

“He has a point,” Vala said. “It’s not fair if I can rub my face against Delphi’s boobs but Mariet can’t rub her face against his balls. Plus that totally implies like… value or importance. It’s like saying that his balls have more value or societal importance than Delphi’s boobs do, so it’s okay to do stuff to her but not him, and that’s messed up. Delphi’s boobs and Drake’s balls are equally important to society!”

everything.

thats what i regret.

goodbye.

Window vanished, leaving Vala to rub her face against Delphi’s boobs while Mariet remained content with simply pressing against my crotch.

“Anyways!” Vala said. “We got some lewd stuff in, so let’s switch back to the more serious stuff. Time for exposition! Actually, wait. There’s a better way we could do this instead of just be boring and talk about it.”

“What?” I asked.

“We’ll use the movie screen again! You know, like we did for Valkyria’s past!”

“You know if you do that then everybody is going to see everything, right?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you forgetting what happened leading up to the stuff in the forest that you didn’t want to talk about before?”

“O-oh… right… my hips are still kind of sore from that…”

“So is my soul.”

“W-well, umm, we can—we can skip that part! Maybe… maybe rewatch it sometime on our own… bu-but for now, we’ll skip that part! And I can edit some clothes or censor bars over us in post!”

“Since when are you a movie editor?!”

“All dragons are natural born movie editors, you know!”

“No wonder they’re all greedy assholes.”

“Hey, now that’s just stereotyping. Not all dragons are greedy!”

“What about our entire relationship here?”

“There—there are only a bunch of waifus because of you…”

“Vala.”

“A-and… because I like girls… a lot.”

“Just admit you’re a greedy dragon who hoards women instead of gold.”

Vala pouted, got behind Delphi, and wrapped her arms around Delphi to grope her breasts and lift them up as if to show them off. “How am I supposed to resist something like this?! Look at them! They’re great! How could anybody, dragon or human, not want to hoard all the boobs in the world?!”

“You’re going to further Cami’s complex.”

“I love small boobs, too. Even completely flat boobs. A true boobs appreciator loves all boobs whether they’re the flattest boobs in the world or the biggest boobs in the world and everything in-between.” Vala kept on bouncing Delphi’s breasts while talking to demonstrate her point, and I had to admit that she was doing a great job of that.

“How’d we even get here again?”

“Well, it all started with the beginning of the universe when nothingness became not-nothingness.”

“Not that far back!”

“Heh. Anyways, I’m gonna go ahead and do some quick movie editing to uh… cut out the lewd part and then put some censor bars or holy rays of light over us so that we don’t flash everybody while showing them what happened in the forest.”

“Holy rays of light?”

Vala sighed and shook her head. “We need to binge more anime together if you don’t understand that.”

Vala walked off, not letting go of Delphi’s boobs which meant Delphi got dragged with her while wearing a confused expression on her face, which left me alone with the still-trembling Clawdia and… a drooling Mariet.

I lifted Mariet’s head up and looked down, noticing that there was a puddle of drool where her mouth was.

“Where does all that drool even come from?” I asked her.

“Sorry,” Mariet said. “Can’t… help it. Smelled… even better… than brainssss…”

“Why did you drag brains out like that? You never drag anything else out.”

“It’s… a zombie’s duty… to drag out the word… braaaaiiiiiinnnnsssssss.”

Rather than place Mariet back down against my crotch, I reattached her head to her neck and looked around.

Valkyria and Eliza were off sitting under a tree together with Luca, and Eliza was teaching Valkyria how she could style Luca’s hair. It must have been the GILF in Eliza that made her love spending so much time with Luca, I assumed. Old people always loved being around kids if stereotypes were anything to go by. And since Eliza was officially one of my wives, that meant she was another one of Luca’s moms.

Meanwhile, Honey and Chloe were in the former’s tower playing those games about boys loving boys together. Chloe was apparently into those sorts of games as well and loved discussing tropes and character types with Honey, and she was pretty good at predicting what certain characters were going to do based on their personalities. Honey also liked having somebody around who got just as emotional as her during those games’ more emotional segments.

Lavi was off with the dogs from her upgraded tower roleplaying fighting each other, being as dramatic as always while talking about darkness and evil hordes of monsters and whatnot.

Then there was Cami and Claire.

Ever since Claire arrived and acquired the title of the woman around with the largest breasts, Cami… wouldn’t leave her alone. Even now, while Claire was helping some of Mariet’s citizens settle into their new houses in the new, haunted village we built for them after blowing up the castle, Cami was constantly spying on Claire. More specifically, Cami was constantly spying on Claire’s chest. It was as if she believed that by spying on Claire’s boobs, she would discover the secret to getting her own bigger boobs.

I wasn’t sure how effective that plan would work, but I wasn’t going to crush her hopes.

As for me? I was more than happy to just sit in my rocking chair that I placed down next to Postia. Postia needed some attention every now and then since she couldn’t move around on her own and was a living being. Though… earlier, she begged me for some letters to send, and I stuffed her full of as many letters as I could think of writing… and she’d been drooling even more than Clawdia and Mariet ever since I did that. It was like she was really savoring having all those letters inside of her rather than actually sending them, and that was over an hour ago. She’d been silent and drooling ever since then, only occasionally mumbling and twitching a bit.

…

Luca needed protected from all of the perverts around the place. Seriously, what got into them all? Everybody started acting way more perverted. I was the only one who wasn’t being some non-stop source of unending thirst.

My wives needed to be taught to behave and not always be so horny.

So, I returned my hands to the tops of Clawdia’s and Mariet’s head, making sure that my fingers touched against some of the bare skin on the back of their necks.

Needless to say, my hands still had their power and caused them both to moan and tremble.

Perverts, all of them. At least I was still pure and wholesome unlike everybody else.

i want 2 murder u