The entire cavern shook and rumbled as a horrifyingly colossal snake pulled itself from the earth, dirt getting flung in every direction as it wriggled free.

As could only be expected, we ran. Yes, with the exit still barred, there was nowhere to go, but in terms of surviving, getting off the back of the angry giant snake seemed like a good bet.

The garden, however, didn’t appear to want us to leave so soon. As we fled, the thick tendrils of “grass” started to move erratically, until at last they gained a disturbing semblance of order. They quested for our ankles, trying to tie us down and trip us up. It likely wouldn’t have worked, either, except for the fact that the earth beneath us was now bucking wildly as the garden snake shed its topsoil.

In the end, it was more than I could manage. I stumbled, and in the time it took for me to regain my bearings, it was over. The black strands of grass wove themselves together, both acting as a tripwire and a snare. With barely any time to even cry out, I fell to the ground.

Had that been all, I possibly would have been fine. A few swipes of a conjured spear might have freed my legs, letting me escape. Sadly, with the rest of my body on the ground, the grass was only too happy to continue tying me down.

Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Not how I’m dying. I didn’t survive a run in with a Protagonist and a pair of deities, only to get turned into a grass/hair cocoon. Even with all the chaos, I thankfully had the presence of mind to focus on my necklace, activating its effect.

Cleansing Shower Gem Pendant activated.

You feel clean and refreshed.

Snakegrass bindings removed.

Water mana flowed all around me, and for a moment I was afraid the grass would simply suck it up and continue holding me down, but the enchantment came through. As if struck all at once, the grass whipped itself off of me. Not even taking the time to process my surroundings, I immediately flared some fire mana into my boots, letting jet step propel me forwards. With the extra speed, I managed to escape the outer ring of stones, safe from further attempts to ensnare me.

As it turned out, I was actually one of the luckier ones. A glance back told me that Eak had also succumbed to the grasping grass, and if it wasn’t for Barb liberally using his scissors like sheers, that might have been the end of things. Thankfully, as if possessed by the god of gardening, the Battle Barber mowed down all the grass around him. It helped that each time he did so, he grew stronger and stronger while the snake was drained of its stats.

A very tense few seconds later, all five of us stood clear of the garden area, watching the hectic dirt storm in front of us with trepidation.

“To be clear, I’d first like to apologize. Dreadful business, that. Hopefu-”

Barb nearly choked on his words as the snake at last fully pulled its head out of the ground, its twin obsidian eyes staring us down. It should have been more than clear already based on the size of the garden, but seeing the head drove it home just how gargantuan our foe was. As more and more of the snake began to slither out of the ground, I got my first real look at the beast.

As if hewn straight from the surrounding walls, the creature was a mass of pure obsidian. It was unclear if its many scales, sleek and reflective, actually somehow grew like that, or if the rock of the creature had been chiseled into such a shape. Altogether, they gave the serpent a menacing aura, marred only by the hair that grew on its back.

Is that… a snake with a mohawk? Or if it ran down the back all the way, would it be considered a really long mullet? Probably not the point, but I still kind of wanted to know.

Regardless, it appeared as though the creature in question had been sleeping coiled up, with the garden growing on its back. Most of it was hairless, but just along the top, thick grass-like hair ran from the front of its head all the way down its back. A few areas were patchy or missing where Barb had gone to work, only adding to the ridiculous sight.

Something that silly looking can’t be too hard, can it?

At this, the snake at last opened its mouth, wider and wider and wider until it felt as though it could swallow the entire room. A hiss sounded from its throat, resonating through the cavern with such force that I wondered if my bones were about to snap.

Okay. Yeah. Maybe a little scary. Knowing I wasn’t going to like what I saw, I focused more intently on the snake as it continued to pull its tail from the ground.

Slippy the Gentle Garden Snake (Mutated Obsidian Grassback), Level 23

Gentle my ass. All we did was give it an accidental haircut!

Admittedly, said haircut sapped the snake’s stats, counting as an attack, but that was semantic.

“Too big for me to throw,” Jason admitted. “Sad.” The gator-like man seemed to war with his emotions, both excited to see such a large creature made of rocks, but also equally devastated that he wouldn’t get to throw it.

Seeming to at last pull himself from his apologetic funk, Barb yelled out. “Snake-like beast. Possibly venomous, though if it gets a solid bite on you, that’s likely the least of your worries. Looks like heavily reinforced, stone-like skin, but no other clear abilities as of yet. Standard battle plans. Kex distracts it while protecting Tess and Eak. Both Jason and I have attacks that can damage rock, and in particular, I’ll be focusing on its hair. Tess, Eak, if it moves to you, focus on avoidance. Move!”

From there, no time was wasted as Barb and Jason rushed forward, hoping to land some hits before Slippy was fully battle ready. For her part, Kex began summoning up her mud golem, the dirt which had previously lain atop the snake now being repurposed.

Not feeling like my mana bow would do much damage, and having mostly been brought along for my Perception, I kind of just chilled out. Well, not chilled out, per se. Wasn’t really feeling that chill, for whatever reason. Still, if I was here for my Perception, I’d do my best to put it to good use. I turned my full focus to the serpent, attempting to see if there were any obvious weak points or something we’d missed.

It was thus that I was likely the first person to spot it. A glint of green light shone atop the snake’s head, almost hidden by the grass surrounding it. About a fourth of the way down its body, I caught sight of a similar red glimmer, and a moment of focus made it clear what I was looking at.

Life Mana Gem

2/5 Charges

Fire Mana Gem

4/5 Charges

It incorporated the gems we were using into its body somehow? But why-

The ruby red crystal suddenly flashed with mana, and I had a sickening premonition. “Back!” I yelled out to the frontline fighters. To the credit of the seasoned dungeon divers, they responded immediately, jumping away from the serpent.

Not a moment too soon, either. The entire top half of the snake erupted into flames, everywhere from the gem up. The thin lines between its scales pulsed with red-hot light, giving it the appearance of some sort of volcano elemental.

Warier now, Jason and Barb regrouped with us, waiting for more information before diving back in.

With the fire raging across the serpent’s scales, I quickly checked the gem again to confirm a sneaking suspicion.

Fire Mana Gem

3/5 Charges

Damn. It gets to use the charges we didn’t. If we’d grown more and used up all the fire charges, it probably would even be able to do that.

Well, it could be worse. At least we hadn’t found that out before we’d used a ton of charges on the growth fruit.

But if it gets to use the fire gem and the life gem, it probably should be able to use-

Slippy yanked the next fourth of its body completely out of the ground, letting me catch a glimpse of a blue crystal next. It, too, flashed briefly, and a wave of water mana surged out from the gem, traveling up the spaces between scales as if they were rivers. Not stopping once it reached the fire, the mana continued upwards until a full three fourths of the snake’s body was engulfed.

In a kinder world, the water mana would have instantly extinguished the flames, letting us approach. Sadly, Slippy, despite its gentle moniker, was not so kind.

Superheated by the flames but somehow not dampening them in the least, the water transformed into a cloud of steam, surrounding the front side of the creature with a cloud of scalding gas which would make even mid-range attacks a difficult option. What had originally looked like a harsh, but winnable fight was now looking increasingly bad for us.

“Good call, Tess. Gems go first. If we damage them or knock them off, we should be able to cancel its abilities. As it is, they’re fully unprotected, and both Jason and I should have no trouble with them if we can get in close enough.”

As if to laugh at the man, Slippy at last freed the final segment of its body from the ground, flicking its tail upwards. A brown gem sat on one of the patches of grass Barb had mowed down, flashing brightly.

Earth Mana Gem

3/5 Charges

In response, the obsidian surrounding the life, fire, and water gems almost seemed to melt before flowing over them. A moment later, it hardened, leaving a dark, but translucent barrier atop our targets, similar to the glass that Jason had punched through to get us here. While I could still see them under the translucent stone, it was clear that the barrier was painfully thick, leaving only the earth gem free to hit.

Understandably, Barb cursed.

“Bottom up! If we cut through the protective barrier on one of the other gems while the earth gem still has charges, it’ll probably just reform it. Knock it out, then get the water gem out so we can attack without the steam. Rinse, repeat.”

Whatever other words he might have had for us were left unsaid. Having at last escaped from its resting place -- which was now a fairly large pit in the center of the room -- Slippy had no plans to let us chat any longer. With another violent hiss, it struck.

Thankfully, Kex hadn’t been sitting idle this entire time. Clomping forwards to interpose itself between us and the charging snake, her mud golem raised its gloppy arms.

With a crash and a hiss that could likely be heard through the entire dungeon, the two titans collided. While the snake outsized the golem by a fair deal, its momentum was arrested.

“Split! Let it focus on the golem.” Even as he spoke, Barb shot out alongside Jason, attempting to track the gem on the erratically swishing tail of the serpent. The remaining three of us fanned out, Eak and I moving as far from the snake as we could, while Kex stayed behind her golem. For her part, a good deal of focus was spent maintaining her spell, but I could also see a number of movement-impairing spells being cast, attempting to trap the snake in mud.

Something tells me a snake called Slippy isn’t going to have issues moving in the mud, but it’s a good effort, at least. Better than whatever I’ve got.

What did I have, even?

Light arrows to the eyes? Could try blinding it. Although do snakes even operate mainly by vision, or would it smell us, or heat vision us, or whatever it is that snakes do?

Well, couldn’t hurt to try, at least. My main combat use against something like this was to help with healing, but no one had gotten hurt yet. Eak would have things under control for the time being, letting me at least try to get a few shots off. I summoned up my bow, channeling light mana into it, and let a few arrows loose towards the beast’s eyes.

The first few, as somewhat expected, didn’t land on target as Slippy slipped around in his no-arms wrestling match with the golem. Finally, however, after a fifth shot, I scored a somewhat skillful, somewhat lucky hit, delivering the package of light mana all the way to one of the obsidian eyes.

The serpent hissed, loudly.

I celebrated for a moment before realizing a few things. Firstly, it didn’t really seem like I’d hurt it. Or blinded it. Mostly just pissed it off a little, really. Secondly, Slippy was more than capable of continuing its golem slugfest while dealing with other nuisances.

Faster than I’d have guessed the hulking monster could move, Slippy whipped its tail in my direction. Twin cries sounded from Barb and Jason, neither of whom expected the sudden movement, and both of whom seemed to be struggling to keep up with the tail in the first place.

Wide-eyed, I watched the obsidian tail rocket my way.

Oh. Um. Shit.

I took back my previous words. It could hurt to try.

Without many avenues of escape, I did the only thing I could think of, funneling as much fire mana into my feet as I could and jumping.

It almost worked, too.

Oof.

Every last ounce of wind was knocked out of me, alongside most of the thoughts in my head, as the tail slammed into the bottom of my stomach while I was airborne.

That was more than bad enough, and it was a testament to my recent Constitution threshold that my bones didn’t full-on break, but that didn’t mean I’d come out unscathed by any means. Everything hurt and dully, in the back of my mind, I recalled how lucky I was that I’d finally gotten a Pain Resistance skill from my previous run in the dungeon.

On the worse side of things, though, the tail was still moving. Rather than colliding with me and sending me flying, it was more of a bug-on-a-windshield type situation. I was considerably more worried about what would happen when it finally did flick me off. Without conscious thought, my hands scrambled for purchase on its scales, hoping to cling on.

Wait. Garden snake. Grows grass. Arable.

Less than a full second had passed since I’d been hit, but it was here that the first Intelligence threshold made its value known. Even with an instant dedicated to nothing but being stunned, my mind moved at a pace that just wasn’t possible back on Earth. To most people with baseline stats, it would have looked like I’d reacted instantly, even though from my perspective, that was far from the truth.

But react I did. Fighting against the air pressure which was practically flattening me against the snake tail, I swung my feet the slightest bit upwards until they lay flat against the side of the snake. From there, I funneled life mana into them.

For the briefest of moments, I thought it would fail, but in the end, the snake was named aptly. Vines formed underneath its scales, latching onto my boots and keeping me locked in place. Another hiss sounded out, letting me know that the process wasn’t entirely painless for Slippy either.

The tail at last halted, giving me perhaps the worst whiplash of my life, and I had to fight down some bile as I instantly grew nauseated. Despite that, I was mostly intact.

And with a shock, I realized I was actually right where Barb and Jason had been trying to get to. A brown gem sat less than a meter away.

Before Slippy could decide to pull another stunt, I dismissed the vines and scrambled up the remainder of the tail, resummoning them once I got into place. Several times I nearly fell off, but a good dose of Strength and Dexterity helped me treat the scales as perfect handholds.

At last reaching the gem, I tried to pry it out, but it was no use. It was so thoroughly embedded within the snake’s back that I’d have to use something more forceful. I summoned up my soulbound weapon and…

Oh. Oh!

There, sitting in my hands, was a particularly bulky pickaxe. While not my favorite weapon, especially compared to a spear, in the current case, it was exactly what I needed. With a firm foothold, I revved up, raising the pick above my head, and even as the tail swayed back and forth, I slammed the pick down.

Congratulations! You have earned the Minin- I ignored the mid-battle notification, instead focusing on the sound that formed as my pick connected with the crystal.

Crack.

The gem fractured.

Hell, I’m going to get it! I raised the pick again, ready to smash the first of the four mana gems, only to see it flare with an intensity of mana far surpassing what I’d seen before.

Earth Mana Gem

0/5 Charges

I gaped. What was it doing with an entire three charges worth of mana?

The answer soon became painfully obvious as the room started to shake.

At the start of the fight, there’d been a small pit in the center of the room where the garden and the snake underneath it had previously been. It wasn’t too imposing, however, as one jet-step-fueled leap could have taken me out of it.

As the earth mana escaped the gem, however, the pit morphed. Rapidly, it grew deeper and deeper and deeper, until it formed a veritable pit trap. A quick glance told me that falling down that far would not be fun.

Not only that, but Slippy seemed to decide that now was a great time to get me off its tail, permanently. The serpent flicked its tail once again, this time trying a different path. Its tail moved at lightning speed towards the side of the pit while twisting, and I realized with horror just what the snake intended to do: It was going to wipe me off. By scraping its tail against the lip of the pit, I’d either fall off or be reduced to a fine, Tess-shaped paste.

One option was bad; the other was worse. I unsummoned the vines.

Just not quite fast enough to dismount the unruly snake before I was hanging over the pit.

Oops.

Really wished I’d asked the archmage for an air spell instead of a darkness spell right about then. Something like featherfall.

Alas, arresting my downward motion was not a skill I had. Heart racing, I fell and I fell and I fell, until at last,

Crunch.