"But I'm lying, when I talk to you

'cos you're lying, under someone new

and I'm dying, wanna tell the truth

I'm not o-, I'm not o-, I'm not over you"

- PRETTYMUCH, Lil Tjay, Lying.

"Why does Tanner look so nervous?" River looked at me, and surely, when my gaze averted to Tanner who was literally pacing the kitchen, I chuckled softly and looked back at River, "He's seeing his ex-girlfriend today."

"Do you think they'll ever get back together?"

I shrugged. "I hope so."

Me and River were seated on the high stools by the middle counter, both of us trying to figure my math homework out.

River ran his fingers through his hair, letting out a breath, "That's about how far I can go with the equation." He rested the side of his face against is palm, "Damn, I probably should have finished school."

We both laughed and I looked to Tanner again and yelled, "Stop fretting already. You really look like a teenage dude who's nervous about asking his crush out," I chuckled.

"Shush, Renee. You're really trying not to get a gift next week, aren't you?" Tanner rolled his eyes.

River looked at me, surprised. "What? Your birthday is next week? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I swear I forgot it was next week," I laughed a silly laugh.

"What day is it?" He asked.

"Friday," Tanner answered for me, playfully winking. "Wish me luck, guys."

"Come on, leave the house already." I shooed.

*

I ran my fingers through my hair, my eyes focused on my laptop as I tried to read through the latest fashion news, but that was hard especially since I held my phone to my ear, listening to dad go on and on about a TV show he just started seeing.

"Mhm," I said absent-mindedly, raising my mug of coffee to my lips. The doorbell rang and I inwardly thanked God. "Dad, I have someone at the door. Let's talk later, bueno? Te amo papa."

I put down my phone and walked to the door, opening it, but I regretted it the moment I saw who was standing in front of me. I wanted to close the door in shock, but because I was filled with so much shock, I froze in place.

I didn't think I would see Tanner again. Yes, I had reunited with Renée, but I wouldn't look for or create any opportunity to see him. Plus, he had a girlfriend, didn't he?

"W- what are you doing here?" I found my voice and suddenly became conscious of everything. How did I look? How clean was the house? It had to be. I'd done some cleaning last night—

Tanner ran his fingers through his hair and awkwardly replied, "Can I come in? I, uh," he cleared his throat, "I want to talk to you."

I was hesitant, trying hard not to make any sort of eye contact with him. And so, I let out a breath and stepped away from the door for him to come in. I closed the door, my heart plummeting against my chest as he passed by me and walked into the living room. I didn't know how to feel. Here was a guy I'd always loved and probably always will. Seeing him brought up so many emotions and I wasn't sure I could handle it. He looked good. Way too good. Better that how I even remembered him to look.

I moved to the living room and didn't see him there. Rather, he stood in the kitchen, waiting for her. Not that I was surprised. He always knew how to find his way.

"Why are you here?" I repeated my question, my voice firmer.

I watched him swallow, "We... we have to talk."

"Quite honestly, I have nothing to say to you," I looked away.

"Kenz—"

"No, there's absolutely nothing to talk about," my tone dropped to a low one, "and don't call me that."

"I have something to say, though," he looked at me and I pushed my hair away from my face.

"You still have that mug," I heard him say and I followed his gaze to the mug which contained my coffee. I swallowed hard. He had gotten it in our first semester of second year when we had both gone grocery shopping. It was a turquoise colored mug with two zebras with hearts and sparks around them. Tanner had thought it was cute and said the zebras could represent both of us. I almost smiled at the memory of him gushing over the mug and putting it in the cart.

"Do you miss me?" He asked in a low, soft tone.

I forced myself to look away from the mug, "What do you have to say?"

He sighed and looked right at me, "I fucked up, I know. I should never have done that, there was no excuse for cheating on you, and I'm sorry. Nothing has ever felt right relationship wise after the whole thing... and I just felt the need to apologize for what happened."

I was quiet for a while, "People apologize for cheating all the time, Tanner... Just tell me why? Why did you do it?"

He seemed to struggle with words before saying, "You had become so... so withdrawn and irritable. It was like everything I did or tried to do for you got you even more mad. You became so distant. Never around. I tried to talk to you that one time, but you got so mad. I didn't know how to deal with it."

"Then why didn't you just break up with me?"

"Because I couldn't let you go, Kenz. I was in love with you."

Are you still in love with me, maybe?

"So cheating was a smart idea, I see," I nodded.

"Kenz, I had feelings. I'm a guy but I have feelings. I was hurt, upset as to why you would not speak to me. I knew it had to do with your mom, and even if something else was wrong, I didn't know, because you never told me. Not one thing. You kept pushing me away, every single day. I tried to make you happy, I tried to cheer you up. Remember when I made you this whole dinner, I ran you a bath just so for once you could actually relax. I put time and effort into these things. I had a test the next day which I wasn't ready for... but, you had just one spoon of food and you went to bed immediately."

His words brought tears to my eyes. Had I been that awful to him? I remembered the day he was talking about vividly. I'd be lying if I said I didn't know how hard Tanner tried to be there for me. I always saw the retired, disappointed look in his eyes. But at the time, I wasn't ready to see that. I wasn't ready to appreciate him or be grateful about anything.

I drew in a breath, "Mom... mom was having secondary cancers and joint problems. Dad had spent and was spent so much just for treatment. He was run down, I was run down. I wasn't okay, and yes, I could feel myself shutting down. It was such a hard phase and I guess I'd expected you to understand."

"I did. I really did, but as I said, I have feelings."

I remained quiet, not knowing what to say.

"How's your mom?" He asked, and I didn't miss the concerned tone of his voice. One of the things I loved about him was his genuine concern and care.

I swallowed and nodded, "She's doing great."

"Well, that's good," he said before looking around, "It's a lovely place you have."

"Thank you," I replied quietly.

"I know you weren't expecting to see me, and don't be mad at Renée either. I... I told her everything that happened. I just wanted to apologize. I had to. And I really am sorry. I shouldn't have done it. I acknowledge that it was my fault and mistake."

I raised my eyes to his, "No, I had a fault in it too. You were my boyfriend. I should have opened up and told you what was going on. I treated you like so much like garbage and took advantage of the fact that you were trying to be there for me. I'm sorry."

I watched him move to me and his presence brought warmth to me. He hugged me, and I clung to him, remembering what it felt like to be in his arms. He kept repeating the words 'I'm sorry', and I felt tears escape my eyes.

We pulled away and when he looked into my eyes, I felt like we were back in university. The way he always made me feel by merely looking at me. "You've changed a lot,"

I smiled lightly when he wiped my tears and I replied, "So have you."

*