❝Losing my faith, I'm losing my faith

Slipping away, you're slipping away

I'm not OK, I'm not OK

I'm not OK.❞

- HER, I'm Not OK.

"Hey, Harper are you alright?" I asked her right after our class before lunch.

Remaining in her seat, she said, "I guess so."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She looked away, "I- I just don't know how to say it without sounding stupid."

"Come on, you can tell me," I urged. "As long as it's bothering you, it's not stupid."

"I... I think Jace is avoiding me," she sighed.

"What makes you think so?" I cocked an eyebrow.

"Well, he wouldn't talk to me, or look at me," she answered a bit shyly.

"Did you maybe have some kind of argument?" I genuinely didn't really know what to say.

"No," she shook her head and then bit her lip, "I'm so stupid."

"Why would you say that?" I lowered my voice, "Did you sleep with him yet?"

"No, no," she looked at me. "I mean... I almost did. He had wanted to, but I didn't."

"Do you feel bad for turning him down?"

Harper shook her head again, "No, but now I'm wondering if things would have been different between us if I'd agreed."

"I doubt it, Harper," I told her.

"You think so?"

I nodded. "If he really likes you, he'd respect your decision no matter what and you really don't have to sleep with a guy all because you want to keep him. It seems to me like... like he wasn't serious about you."

I watched her swallow, "Well, that hurts."

"I know. And I'm sorry," I hugged her. "But who knows? Maybe there are other reasons, and maybe he will eventually speak to you."

She had a look of hope in her eyes, then nodded, before her face lit up in a smile, "So, are you going to tell me about him?"

"Him?"

"Yeah! The one you were with this morning," she playfully rolled her eyes.

Thoughts of River came flooding my memory and I smiled widely, "Oh."

"Yeah, oh," she mimicked. "Spill. Who is he? Where did you meet?"

I ran my fingers through my hair and clicked my tongue in my lower lip, "His name's River, he's so sweet. I met him at the bakery and—"

Harper didn't let me finish before she burst into squeals, "River is such a hot name. Oh my gosh, I bet he's so cute," she gushed.

"Wait. I thought you saw him," I tilted my head to one side, cocking my eyebrows.

"I heard some girls talking about him, and then I was able to hear that they had seen you with him."

Wow. Girls sure loved to talk, didn't they? But despite the thought, I flushed.

"Girl, you're so whipped," Harper laughed, beginning to pack up her bags. "I hope the food is great today, because I'm starved."

We walked to the cafeteria when I saw Kaleb sitting alone, and swiping his finger across his phone. This was the best time to go talk to him, and that's what was I was going to do. Telling Harper to go ahead and find a table, and that I would be with her shortly, I walked to where Kaleb sat, his eyebrows furrowed.

"Kaleb," I called.

He looked up and a smile spread across his face, "Rae. I've missed you."

"Yeah?" I smiled back.

"Are you doubting me, McCann?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Does it really matter?" I asked softly and then sighed, "I just really want to talk to you."

"Is everything okay?"

His question made me realize that maybe River was right. He was probably just oblivious to the fact that truly, we were drifting apart.

"Yeah," I nodded, and then shook my head. "No, sorry."

"What's—"

Just then Logan came along and I inwardly sighed, "Yo, Kaden, coach says he'd like to see you later today," he said as he and Kaleb did a handshake. Logan turned to me, "Hey bubbles. You look good," he said and we did a high-five. "Is it possible to see you one of these days? It's, uh, it's a bit important."

"Buzz off, Carter," Kaleb rolled his eyes.

I looked from Kaleb to Logan, "Actually, don't, Logan. Sure, I'll let you know when it's convenient for me."

"Right," he nodded, smiling before walking away.

I noticed there was something about him as he walked away. I just wasn't sure. I turned back to look at Kaleb who looked at me in disbelief, "Wow, Rae."

"What? I'm going to listen to what he has to say."

He shrugged. "Well, what's wrong?"

I let out a breath, "I just- I just think you've been distant."

His eyes went soft so I took advantage of that and continued, "It's never been like this before. I just miss you—"

"Hey babe," I bit my lower lip in frustration as Sydney came and kissed Kaleb's forehead, completely disregarding my presence.

I rubbed my temples, pressing my lips together as Kaleb greeted back and looked back at me for me to continue what I was saying, "I'm sorry, Rae. You can con—"

"Heard you have a boyfriend now. Giving you rides and all that," I dragged my eyes to Sydney, a smug look on her face. "That's good. At least you'll leave mine."

"Syd, please keep quiet?" Kaleb looked back to her and she rolled her eyes and walked away.

"Is that true, Rae? You have a boyfriend?" Kaleb looked surprised.

"Really? That's all what you heard? That's what you could comment on?"

He raised an eyebrow, "Well?"

I shook my head, "You're so unbelievable. You know that if I did have a boyfriend, I would tell you."

"I just asked if it was true," he shot.

"Well, there's no need to be rude about it. I was just telling you how you've been distant. That should say something.

"So, you're dating him," he mused and I closed my eyes in frustration, "No. Why are you even so concerned about that?"

"Well, I wouldn't be so surprised if you two were already dating. The desperation got him to notice you," he mumbled.

The realization of what he said hit me and it hurt. Lips quivering and a broken voice, I said, "What did you say?"

He didn't look at me.

I swallowed, not believing he'd actually said that, "Is that what you've thought of me all these while?" I paused. "You know, maybe I've relied on you for way too many things for such a long time, but you don't even have to worry about me bothering you at all again."

He looked at me instantly, "No, Rae—"

"Nah, don't even," I walked away.

That was it. The last straw for me.

*

My gaze was fixed on River as he was busy with his work. Just as I was about to drag my eyes lazily from him, he looked at me and flashed me a boyish grin. I couldn't help myself and didn't mind that he was seated far from where I stood behind the counter, I smiled back. He then gestured to me to focus on working and I playfully rolled my eyes, chuckling to myself.

"Hey, Renée," Sky appeared beside me. "Are you down for learning how to make those simple cupcakes we talked about tomorrow? It's pretty easy. If you learn tomorrow, since you're off Wednesday, you could practice at home then tell me how it went on Thursday."

I nodded, "Yes, that's perfect."

Sky clapped her hands and nodded as well before looking at down at her wrist watch, "It's 5:30. I'll let you get off now. Have a great night, Renee."

"Thank you, you too—"

"Can I get two smoothies please? The four berry blend? They're so amazing and they give me life."

Me and Sky looked up to see River who had a smile on his face.

"You kiss ass, when did you get here?" Sky said to him

He chuckled, "Two of you were probably so engrossed in your talk. Plus, the smoothie is actually amazing," he playfully winked at me.

I grabbed two cups and filled them with smoothies as he and Sky talked.

"I got one for you," he informed me.

*

I sat opposite River, watching him sketch something on thick paper. Not only did I admire his face as he did so, but I also admired the way he did it effortlessly.

"Aren't you supposed to be done with the sketching phase of the job, River?" I asked.

"I actually am done with it. I'm only just completing the rest at home. See this one I'm doing right now, I'm just messing around with it."

"Look at me thinking you were doing your work for the bakery."

"Nah, I finished sketching earlier today," he took a sip of his smoothie.

"Oou," I smiled. "Can I see it?"

"Nope," he shook his head. "I already took it back home before you got back from school, and speaking of school, how was it?"

I shrugged. "Eh, it was alright. I spoke to Kaleb too."

"Yeah?" He looked up from what he was sketching and took another sip of his smoothie.

"Mhm," I nodded.

"How did it go?"

"You know, I really just wanted to tell him how I felt, but somehow I ended up telling him I'll never bother him again."

"What? Why?" River looked genuinely shocked and I remained quiet, shrugging.

"Why?" He pressed.

"Nothing. I just did." I answered.

I couldn't tell River that Kaleb had called me desperate. The thought of telling him alone was embarrassing.

"But you wanted to work things out, didn't you?" He went back to what he was doing.

"Yeah, but—"

"So, why?"

"He called me desperate, okay?" I blurted.

"Why would he call you that?"

"River, I liked you right from the first day I saw you. Might sound stupid, but it's true. I didn't know how to handle having a crush on you, because I'd never crushed on anyone before. All I knew was, I wanted you to notice me. So, I may or may not have asked Kaleb for advice on how to make you do that," I felt my cheeks heat up. "Okay, now that I think of it, maybe I was desperate, but it just hurts knowing that he might have been thinking that about me all along. And now that I've told you, you probably think that too—"

"You ramble a lot," he chuckled before saying quietly. "I promise that I don't see or think of you as desperate. I paid close attention to you after the day you slipped in front of me. I thought you were cute. Clumsy, but cute."

*

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