I'm a Lion, I'm a Wolf - No Really, It's Fine

I sat on the edge of my bed, Levi next to me dangling his feet over the edge and James in the only chair in the room, looking guarded and entirely unhappy. He looked less like a shell and more like the old him, if only because his face wore a suspicious look, something I realized I was fairly accustomed to seeing there.

"You're a lot nicer than I thought you'd be. I couldn't tell from Jordan what you'd be like, it's really confusing in there."

James' eyes flicked to mine at Levi's words, but then away just as quickly like he wished he hadn't looked to begin with.

"I'm not nice."

James' voice sounded flat again, and I tensed at the noise, wishing he'd Shift, or do anything to break through the death quickly settling back into the lines of his face.

"Your mind says otherwise though. You're very nice, well, not very nice. Maybe nice isn't the right word. You're good, that's it, you're very, very good."

James let out a breath of air, something similar to a mocking laugh, though the connotation was lost because of his lack of commitment, his lack of emotion.

"You don't know what you're talking about, kid."

I silently agreed, making Levi give me a sharp, little glare.

"That's what Jordan always says when she doesn't like what I know, but just because you disagree with something, doesn't make it not true. I'm right. Your head says so. You can't fool me."

"So I'm good? I'm a good person? A good human being? How about I think about the last month and you can see how good I've been? How about I show you when I was your age and you can tell me what a good boy I was."

"I didn't say you were a good human being, you aren't one. You are a good Darkling though, and a very good Half. And I already know what you've done for the last month, the last few months, and you're still good. You kill people, but you're still good. Abby kills people too, but he's good, so does Jordan. A lot of good people kill people - bad people. And when you were my age you weren't who you are now. It's silly to still think of yourself as someone you haven't been for decades, don't you think? I don't still think of myself as a baby, cause I'm not one now. So just because you used to be something doesn't mean you still are, or always will be. Duh."

I smiled at his snotty reply, though I hid it by glancing down at my lap, letting my hair fall in front of my face. James was right, I knew that, but Levi's argument was adorable, in a know-it-all kind of way.

"So, you're what, trying to say all the things I used to do no longer matter and I'm good just because my mind told you so? Lovely, I can sleep soundly."

"You don't have to get mad just because I said you're good. If it helps, Jordan probably wouldn't like her biggest features either."

Both my and James' eyes shot to Levi then, both of us looking wary, both of us nervous at what exactly he meant. He had never talked to me about my 'features' before, but I felt like it was a conversation we should have had weeks ago, certainly not now with James here. I was the one that answered.

"What do you mean 'my biggest feature'?"

"Remember when I told you that Abby is wise? Wise and good. Those are his biggest features, that's what he's made up of the most. He has other traits, duh, but his biggest ones are those two. They define who he is the most. Well, I figured yours out, and his too."

Levi nodded toward James.

"His were easier than yours to find, bigger jumps between his top traits and the lower ones. A lot of yours are close to even, but I still found your biggest two. Those are the ones that matter most because they make up the most of you, define you, just like Abby's define him and James' define him. It's one of the ways I know people, I just...well, know."

I waited, waited to hear what my 'biggest traits' were, though I was skeptical that Levi could really do what he said he could. Abby's traits were easy to see. It was easy to see he was good, and his wisdom shone through his every action, but mine seemed like they would be less apparent, and also less complimentary. I almost didn't even want to hear what Levi thought of me. I hated myself enough already.

"It isn't just what I think of you, sis, it's what you are. I can see it, plainly and easily now. I know your mind, remember? But I see it from my view, not yours, so I don't get caught up in the things you do. Which is why you guys won't agree with me, because you already think certain things about yourself, but like I said, just because you disagree with me doesn't make me wrong. I'm right, I know it for sure now."

James looked just as nervous as I did now, and I could understand that. Having a prodigy child judge you, especially when you had our past, our heritage, didn't sound like a pleasant conversation, especially to be shared when you had a former friend in the room. My teeth ground at just the thought.

Levi seemed to be waiting to be asked, and I wanted to change the subject, but I couldn't think of anything.

What are mine?

"That's not fair, sis. If I'm going to say his out loud I'm going to say yours too."

I scowled at him, but he completely ignored the look. He was such a stickler when it came to fairness, probably a feature of his age.

"Fine. What are mine?"

"Your first one was pretty easy once I saw it for what it was; love."

I laughed after realizing he thought he was serious, threw my head back and laughed out loud. I didn't even care that no one else was laughing or that I looked ridiculous. I didn't even love the multitude of people who had raised me, didn't love any one of my past playthings, my childhood 'friends', foster parents and grandparents, teachers. I didn't love anyone. I didn't even want to love anyone. I didn't want to feel love, ever. I had never been in love, not until James, but that didn't even count, that was just a lie, just the charm of a monster, a Fallen.

When my laugh turned to a chuckle Levi continued, looking unamused, before I could argue his mistake with him.

"Your second is darkness, then loyalty and self-control and self-loathing and suspicion and justice and revenge and kindness and pain and independence and ambition. But your first leads everything else you do, even the darkness. That's why I was never afraid of you. I could tell you weren't actually bad, or at least some of you wasn't bad, more of you wasn't. Though it took me a while to figure out what that really meant for you."

I shook my head, disagreeing in my thoughts, knowing he could hear my arguments. I disagreed with so many of the traits he thought, and not just disagreed, I knew he was wrong. I knew myself more than he did. He hadn't even mentioned anger or hatred or violence.

"Just because you disagree, doesn't make me wrong, sis. Just like knowing your mind, this is a thing I've been able to do for as long as I can remember. I know what you are and that's all there really is to it. And I did mention those things, your anger and violence, that's part of the darkness, part of what you are. Your nature is your second trait."

"How am I defined by love? I could believe some of the others, I guess, and maybe I care about people sometimes, but I don't love them."

"You love me."

Levi smiled triumphantly at me. I scowled back as I realized he was right in that one, small, inconclusive way. Levi merely shrugged at my thoughts before looking at James.

"Now you...you are really weird."

James smiled sarcastically, sort of, though his empty eyes killed the weak expression on his lips. I knew he hadn't meant it as an insult, Levi never insulted anyone, he was simply making an observation, one I agreed with in so many ways.

"Thanks, kid, you're a freak too."

"No, I mean your traits are strange. Jordan's can still...work together I guess, in some ways. It's hard to explain if you can't see what I do...but yours are just...well, opposites. It's weird they both are so much of you.

You definitely aren't love, you hardly know what that feels like, what it is, though you love Kael and...well, you know a little more about love now than you used to. I can understand that though, it's not something you should be ashamed of, you had a bad life. You should talk to Ailech, he can relate a bit, not like you, but at least a little. He'd probably get along with Nevaeh well too, since they both lost so many people when they were so young."

Levi was rambling now, a sign he was nervous, or maybe just young. James merely nodded, looking unconvinced and I didn't need my Gift to know there was a slim chance he'd be bonding with Ailech over their difficult childhoods. And Nevaeh would never get the chance to even meet Ailech, that much I was sure of.

"Your first trait is like Abby's-"

"Wisdom?"

James' lips held an amused quirk now, a small spark of the old him showing through, cold and mocking yet mischievous, as if the world was a game and he knew he was smarter than all the other players.

"Hardly."

Levi's tone made me smile. It was cute seeing him butt heads with James, a child against a monster. I wanted to ruffle his hair where he sat next to me, but I stayed my hand.

"You're good, like Abby."

"Right, I forgot. I'm a wonderful person, a picturesque Darkling."

"You can laugh at it but how else do you explain you still not being bad, not being like your dad? I've seen what he did to you. If the majority of you wasn't good then you'd be even worse than him right now and you aren't. You aren't even close. If the majority of you wasn't good then you wouldn't have fought against him, wouldn't have left and tried so hard to find a place. You wouldn't have made a Clan and helped them become as good as you. You tried so hard for so long to fight your upbringing, to be good, and you are. It seems strange you don't believe it when that's all you've worked for your entire life."

Levi paused for a moment, but James didn't look like he was going to speak. He looked incredulous, but like he couldn't think of a valid argument. I understood his feelings as I'd been battling the same minutes earlier. I couldn't believe I was loving, not with all the hate I had been living with for months and the apathy and self-loathing before that. And I definitely wouldn't believe that James was some picture of goodness...but Levi had annoyingly solid arguments. I did love him, like a little brother, and James wasn't as bad as one would expect a Half to be. He wasn't his father at least. Levi continued after glancing to me at my thoughts.

"Your second is darkness, like Jordan's, which makes sense since you guys have the same nature, but you've both got something good that comes before it that keeps it in check, usually. Then you have strength and guilt and control and distrust and revenge and sacrifice and responsibility and shame and self-loathing and pride and determination and masochism and justice and even a little bit of love in there, um, sorta.

I've never met a good, bad, strong, guilty person before. I guess I've never met a loving, bad, loyal, loathing person before either. You guys are both weird. Which is why everyone's saying the prophecy is about you two I bet, the first good Halflings, um, sorta. Kinda neat, isn't it? Well, thanks for the chat. We'll do this again soon, right sis?"

And before I could answer he was already out the door, scampering down the hallway like a little woodland creature. Then it hit me; Abby had put him up to this. I couldn't believe I hadn't realized it earlier. Meddling old wizard. He had his hands in everything somehow. Everything was part of his great elaborate plan. I should have known. From my tutors to his seemingly unplanned visits, everything was set in motion by the old wizard, everything was done for some end. I just wished I could figure out his purposes a little sooner. It seemed every time I figured something out, it was after the fact. After Abby had already finished whatever goal he had set. My mind began to wander as I wondered what Ailech's role really was, and Ember's...what was Abby's ultimate plan for himself in my life?

"Are you thinking about the prophecy too?"

I was pulled from my thoughts as I realized James was still sitting across from me, in the sole chair in my room, watching me with only half-dead, navy eyes, curiosity buried somewhere deep within them.

"I was actually thinking about how annoying Abby is."

I saw James bristle at my words, just barely, almost so insignificant a change it couldn't be detected, but his face seemed to tighten, his shoulders tense ever so slightly, and I remembered how he knew Abby, how he probably still viewed him, still thought of him. If I had wanted to talk I would have defended Abby, but my heart was pounding at just knowing James and I were alone.

"Annoying isn't quite the word I would use."

"I didn't think you could come up with more colorful descriptives, what with how you are now. I didn't know dolls could think for themselves."

His face moved at my quick reply, almost like he wanted to smile but couldn't. A moment later his eyes darkened, though he didn't move from his spot in my chair.

"Is this better?"

His voice sent a shiver up my spine, his power hissing through the air around me. I shrugged noncommittally before answering, enjoying the flash of a scowl it brought to his pointed teeth.

"I suppose, if that's the best you can do."

I tried to keep my voice cold, but it was so difficult with him Shifted, with him looking alive again, powerful again. Every time he let his eyes turn black I felt a flutter of excitement, an itch of how I used to feel around him. I felt my own Shift dig into me a moment later, but I didn't let it out. I wanted to see how James would act if I didn't follow his lead, if I stayed just as I was.

"What's really making you sick and who's A? And..."

I realized if I let all my questions for him out I'd have nothing to hold onto anymore, so I snapped my mouth shut, leaving my last question hanging in the air brokenly. The silence dragged on as I waited to see if he would answer me.

"I'd bet I'm just getting sick because I'm adjusting to being around my own kind again. I had a bit of a hiatus, you see. And A...I don't think you need to know that."

I narrowed my eyes at his second answer, not changing my expression until he took in a deep breath, clearly submitting.

"Aeronwen; my mother's name. It means blessed berry. She was Welsh."

I tried to fight the memories of the last time he had spoken to me of his mother, to push back the memories of when I had seen her in my dreams in his room, to stifle the feelings trying to drown me when I thought of that night. I had to clench my jaw so tight against the pain I could hear my teeth grinding, like chewing on sand.

"Oh."