Starset - Unbecoming

I hadn't slept since my visit with Chi. I was too afraid of what I would see, what dreams or visions would find me in the dark. I was sure Jordan had had a prophecy of Syn's death and I was worried I would see something too, something just as wrong, just as damning as she had. In my short conversation with Chi's Clan, after the brothers - twins, no less - vainly attempted to attack me, I learned that Jordan had been close with Syn and only Syn. She had arrived back at the warehouse just in time for the demons to disappear. Only Syn had been attacked. Only he had been targeted. The demons, Shafes, were just distractions to the others. And the body was taken. Chimarah said that Jordan left after that, with nothing but a broken apology.

I didn't want to think of her feelings, think of the terrible catastrophes that seemed to constantly follow her; me, Jevin, and now Syn. In a small way, I was glad she was with Abraham, at least there she would be safe from my father, from all the terrible things he surely had planned for her. My headache was almost unbearable just thinking of what could have happened, of how many times since our Clan's dismemberment she could have shared in its fate.

Each night wore me down more, each day without a lead on my father beat my will down more. It was easy to see what was happening to me, to see how I deteriorated further with each sunrise after another sleepless night. I could feel my mind abandoning me, feel my body rotting away like a sickness was growing under my skin. I couldn't eat anymore, couldn't sleep for more than an hour or two. I couldn't even be alone, ever. Ambriel was always there, never leaving me, never letting me be.

I didn't feel human anymore, not even the partial I was. I couldn't go an hour without my Shift, in my own skin, and I hated that even more than whatever was happening to my mind. My life was hell, nothing close to worth living. But I couldn't die, not yet. It was a consuming obsession searching for my father, like a slow leak of all the things I used to be, of everything inside me disappearing, draining, turning me into nothing, stealing the life from me even as I kept on walking, kept on breathing.

The worst of it was the realization that this was what I was supposed to be, a machine. I had actually convinced myself that I was meant for good things, capable of good things, deserving of good things. I had been so blind, I could see that now. How I had fed myself lies for so long, made myself believe I could overcome my nature, my very being, my blood, simply because I wanted to. Juda had been right, it was pathetic, a lie. If no one in millennia could overcome the vileness sliding through their veins, why had I possibly thought I could? It was arrogance, arrogance and stupidity and pathetic, foolish hope.

Blood defines us all, and it defined me in too many ways. Tainted by my lineage, damned from birth, and then so stained by my actions, my past and my choices, it was madness for me to even consider that I could have ever truly been good, to even dream of being something worth its time on Earth. Pathetic. As much as I hated what I was, it was the new me - empty, inhuman, but strong enough to destroy its creator. I couldn't suppress my emotions, not anymore, but I hid them, behind a mask, behind a wall. I kept everything inside as I showed an empty exterior, smooth and strong and unyielding. It was all I could do.

I couldn't show weakness around Ambriel, and she was always there now, so it became a habit, hiding everything, hiding even the smallest of thoughts, of desires or memories from my face. After a while she could say anything and it didn't matter at all. Soon I didn't even have to try. Soon my mask was perfect. Regardless of my expressions, Ambriel reminded me daily of how pointless my fight was, how useless any attempt I made against my father would be. How I couldn't even survive, let alone win without my Clan. How I was falling apart all on my own, weakening each day, losing my mind, wasting away my body, losing everything I used to think defined me. I had nothing now, not only in my life, but within myself. Some days I couldn't even convince myself that I would get the chance to face my father again. Sometimes it seemed inevitable that my own demons would conquer me long before I found him. But I never showed it.

Nausea was my constant companion now, along with the headaches, making every second without my Shift feel like a virus tearing my insides, burning through my head. Sometimes ending it sounded so much better, so much easier, than hiding from my own mind as I watched my body become a stranger, as I watched my nature fulfill my nightmares. Sometimes I wished one of the weak disgraces I killed would be able to do the same to me. Sometimes I wished my a target would surprise me. Sometimes I was even deliberately sloppy. But nothing could beat me, and living on was my constant punishment for the thing I had become.

» ✦ «

Seven days went by faster than expected, and I was already getting into a schedule of training on my own, the occasional class, and exploring the vast 'Vault' to fill up my time.

Abraham called me to his office before the sun was up on the eighth morning. I hadn't slept the night before, so the early knock on my door didn't bother me. Sometimes when I went to see him I felt like a child in school, walking to the principal's office, other times I just thought of him as the man I had met in the bar, or a therapist, or a nosy old neighbor. This time felt like the principal's office. I even found myself scanning my memories of the night before, trying to figure out what I might be in trouble for.

I had sparred with Ailech, broken his hand, maybe a rib, but he had healed both without much difficulty, though he made me re-set the bones in his hand first, and I had felt a pang of remorse when I saw his wince. He had asaid he wouldn't tell Abraham how 'rough' our practices often got, but now I wondered if he had reneged. Hand injuries were painful enough to change anyone's mind.

I sat warily, waiting for Abraham to speak first, lest I get myself into more trouble than I was already in. He sat silently too, watching me as I tried not to watch him. I had his office memorized already, even after only a week. The bookshelves on my left, full of books and continuing on either side of his door. The high windows on my right which looked out over one of the artificial forests the Vault housed. The seats beneath each of the windows that could be opened and I was sure were full of more books. The shelves behind his desk that held all kinds of mementos and objects I had never asked about, along with more books. I avoided his eyes by studiously looking around the room, trying to seem incredibly interested in the patterns on his maroon rug. Or the tiny carvings in the wood of his desk. Or the half-burnt candles he had scattered on almost every free horizontal space his cluttered office had.

Finally, the old man cleared his throat and I let my eyes drift over to his in as casual a way as I could manage.

"What did you do?"

His face looked almost confused, or like he had something sour in his mouth as he spoke. It didn't take much for me to match his confused face.

"What do you mean?" I answered slowly, perplexed at the circle our conversation seemed to be careening toward.

"I called you in here to talk about your schedule now that you've become acclimated to the lifestyle at the Vault, but you, you look guilty. So, fess up, better to be honest, child. What did you do?"

I cursed to myself as I realized my play at acting innocent had backfired. If I'd have just acted normal I would probably already be on my way to whatever schedule Abraham had planned for me. Damn paranoia.

"I broke Ailech's hand yesterday. I thought you were mad at me."

I still felt like a schoolgirl called to the teacher's office to be scolded. I disliked how easily Abraham made me feel young, though in comparison to him I was young, very, very, very young.

Abraham's eyes looked disappointed for only a moment before they brightened.

"Thank you for telling me the truth, I appre-"

"And a rib, or two."

At my second concession, Abraham pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes briefly. I felt a giggle try to climb my throat but stuffed it back down. Ailech would have laughed if he had been with me.

"Thank you...again, for your honesty. Just be careful with him, he's only human."

I nodded, not wanting to argue about the things Ailech could or couldn't handle.

"Well, back to the main issue. I called you in here to decide on a schedule for you now that you're a permanent resident - not a life-long resident, don't worry - just permanent for the foreseeable future."

I nodded again, not loving the sound of 'permanent' but not seeing a point in arguing semantics with the human dictionary before me.

"Okay, good."

Abraham shuffled a number of papers in front of him, some in files, some loose, some pinned to others. His office was always in a state of controlled chaos, it wasn't disorganized necessarily, since everything always seemed to be exactly where he wanted it to be, but I wouldn't call it orderly either, not by a long shot.

"I've been scouring the Vault for the best in each area to help you, while keeping personalities in mind. I know you don't want tutors, but I simply can't be there for all your trainings - you have too many gifts for that - and I am not the most qualified in many of them. I'll drop in on your classes sporadically, of course, to keep you on your toes."

He winked at me, his eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. I attempted a smile back.

"Cordelia will work with your tolerances in the evenings, we'll start with just twice a week since that can be very strenuous. Levi will work with your mental blocks, oh yes. Miss Zodi with your Sign, very creative, that one. Parish and Prey can help with your combat skills-"

Abraham hadn't even looked up from his papers as he spoke, scribbling notes and times down as he almost muttered to himself. Occasionally he'd circle something on one of the papers and make an arrow to another column of words, or sometimes to a different page entirely. I had the distinct feeling I didn't actually need to be present for this meeting.

"I don't think I really need help with combat, no offense to your charges, but I've been to the classes and there's not much they can teach me. I'm better off training alone."

I tried to make my words not sound as arrogant as they came across, but it was true. Abraham was the one constantly harping that all the Vault's tenants were 'only human' and now he was trying to pair me up with little flesh punching bags named after religious figures and actions. If I wasn't already going to Hell, I'm pretty sure beating up a Mage named 'Parish' would do it.

"Yes, yes, the classes would be beneath you, I know. But Parish and Prey aren't in the classes - far from it. They can't even teach in them anymore, there were...some complaints. You'll see what I mean when you meet them. Finding you people to spar with was definitely one of the more difficult slots to fill, but they'll be just fine, I promise. Ailech will be there just in case though."

Abraham looked pensive for a moment before jotting down a note to himself, probably a reminder to make sure a healer was on hand for all of my tutoring sessions.

"And for the record it's not Pray with an A, it's Prey...like uh, an animal that gets eaten by another. He doesn't like it when it's spelled incorrectly."

"Oh, hell."

I muttered the words under my breath, but Abraham's eyes still looked up from his papers for a brief moment, giving me a reprimanding look before scanning the pages in his hand once more.

"It's actually Preydon, but he never liked his formal name. I think it's a lovely name, but he's a stubborn one. A trait of his generation if you ask me."

Abraham rambled on as he continued to write.

"Grayson will work on focus, yes that will be a real showing. And that leaves Katz for your Gift. Oh! And Danny for your visions and prophecies," He glanced up again, seeing my mouth open in protest, "I mean - your dreams."

I smiled sarcastically at him as he straightened the papers in his hands.

"Am I forgetting anything you would like to work on further?"

"I'll get back to you."

He smiled genuinely at me, ignoring my tone.

"Wonderful, my girl. Then you are dismissed, here's your schedule, please don't skip. Mr. Darke often tried to play hooky, it never worked out well for him."

I took the sheet from Abraham and glanced at it before heading for the door.

"One more thing, Ailech will be training a young woman named Ember for a while, don't mind her if she's around. She has wonderful potential, but she's still a little green."

I gave a silent nod before escaping his office. The prospect of having so many more people in my daily routine was daunting enough as it was, hell, even just Ailech was enough of a chore, and now there'd be more like him, constantly trying to pry into my head. I suddenly felt very tired.

The first scheduled training was with Zodi and my Sign. I almost expected the room Abraham's instructions directed me to to be one of the green areas, one of the mock forests or fields, but instead, it was a gym with crude mannequins set up every few yards, it was creepy. Ever since my encounter with Gabriel's mimic in the manor's garden, I found dolls to be unnerving.

I was the first to arrive, so I leaned against one of the walls and closed my eyes, not to sleep, but just to keep the army of silent dummies out of sight. I pulled my knife from its holder at my hip and began tracing my hand on the ground, keeping my eyes closed but following where I knew my hand curved or was straight as closely as I could without cutting myself. Soon I flicked the knife down between each finger, gaining speed as I got the hang of the space needed. Sometimes I moved a finger next to another, or away from, and adjusted the knife's movement likewise so I was playing a sort of cat-and-mouse game with myself. I kept my eyes closed, but never missed, thankfully. Ailech wasn't here yet and I'd dislike having such an embarrassing injury on my first day of official training.

"How can you do that so fast?"

A melodic voice interrupted my game and I pulled my hand back a hair before I would have nicked my thumb. I opened my eyes to see a slim woman standing in front of me. Fine features and fine hair all housed by a willowy, fine body. Her hair was pulled back from her face, a light blond sheet that fell just past the center of her chest, ending sharply in a perfectly even line. Her eyes were narrow, though she clearly wasn't of Asian descent. Despite their shape, what struck me was their color, a soft violet, a lilac I immediately thought was fake, though she didn't seem like the type for vanity contacts. Everything about her made me think of an elf, not the children's story kind, but the tall, ancient, wise ones.

"I know where my hand is, and I know where the knife is, and as long as those two things are never occupying the same space at the same time, I don't really have a problem."

"How long did it take you to become so aware of your body?"

"The sharper the knife, the faster you learn. And all my knives are sharp."

I smirked up at her, wondering if she was Ember or Zodi. I was still deciding how standoffish I would be with my new teachers, a task which I thought would be a much easier decision than it was turning out to be. I didn't want Abraham to give me his 'disappointed' look and I really did want to learn, to not squander the knowledge at the Vault like I had with my Clan. But I didn't want to make nice and end up with a bunch of friends, potential targets for the Collector to use against me in the future. It was a difficult scale to balance.

"Hm," Was the only reply I got from the elf-woman.

Her voice was high, but not in an annoying way, more of a musical way, like she would be an exquisite singer. I had the feeling she was Zodi, not Ember, though I couldn't pinpoint why. A moment later I knew I was correct as Ailech walked in with a scowl on his face that could make a storm cloud shrink away, a girl in her young twenties scampered eagerly on his heels.

"Mors, Ember. Ember, Mors. She's my new apprentice."

He feigned excitement for his last words, clearly showing he was not at all pleased with the novice. The elf woman glided over to Ember and held out her slim hand, almost looking straight down to make eye contact with the much shorter woman.

"I am Zodiac, Zodi for short. It is a pleasure to meet you. Are you new here?"

Ember nodded, her hair struggling to keep up with its home's sudden movements.

"Abby just found me last month. He says I have some real raw talent."

She lowered her voice and leaned towards the taller woman like she was sharing a secret.

"I got super lucky getting paired with Aily here, I hear he's the best."

Ailech scowled at her nickname before stalking over to me. He grabbed my knife and pretended to slit his throat before sitting next to me. I tried to stifle the smile on my lips.

"Lucky, my ass," He muttered as he played with my knife sulkily.

I got up and walked toward the women who were still chatting, Ember speaking a mile a minute and Zodi politely nodding. I stood awkwardly until Ember seemed to notice my presence and turned to look at me, her eyes as large as dinner plates. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but nothing but a squeak came out before she snapped it shut and shrank away, retreating to sit close to Ailech, who poignantly slid further away.

"I'm Jordan."

My introduction sounded even more awkward than I felt, and I suddenly remembered why I had never had any friends back when I thought I was human. Even compared to a she-elf Mage, I was still strange.

"I know," She replied simply, her high voice lilting.

She watched me for a second before walking to the center of the room, turning back once she was ten yards away.

"Do you have your knife?"

I turned to look at Ailech, who tossed me the one he had been fiddling with since sitting. When I looked back to Zodiac her eyes were closed, her arms down by her sides, palms facing me. She looked like she was meditating.

"Throw it at me."

She didn't open her eyes as she spoke and I considered arguing, but decided against it, though I didn't put as much speed into my throw as I could have. I also made sure to aim for her shoulder, something non-vital, in case she was overestimating her skills, or underestimating mine.

The knife froze an inch from her light brown tunic shirt, not hovering or quivering, just frozen as if it was stuck in something solid. She opened her eyes and grabbed the knife by its blade before spinning it in her slender hands so she held the handle. I smiled at her trick but was hardly impressed.