Bring Me the Horizon - Doomed

I awoke from a nightmare, my hands shaking, but it hadn't been a nightmare, it had been real, I could feel it. It was just an image of Jordan, her big grey eyes hollow, her face an empty mask, and then there was Jev with a sinister smile and gleaming teeth tinged red.

I knew what had happened, what she had done. How could I have been so stupid to not see it coming? She was alone, she was vulnerable, she was lost without the Clan, without her pair. She still knew next to nothing of this life. I had kept her hidden, protected in the manor, thinking I'd have time to teach her everything, time to show her the world she had been born to but lived outside of for so many years, but now she was alone.

Of course she would make a move for power, for protection, for the anesthetic venom that Jevin's bite would give her. Even I had considered the option, to make the pain go away, the guilt, the despair that my own brother, my own family, had disowned me after everything we had been through together. But I knew they would, I would do the same, at least that's what I told myself. I had done worse to lesser bloodlines than myself. I just couldn't believe it was over, all the years of hiding myself, of being the best leader I could be, of fighting my nature with everything I had in me, all my work gone in one night, in one horrifying, wretched night. I always had hated Juda.

I swore at the sky as I stood, gingerly stretching. My wounds from him would take time, especially without anyone to heal me, but I had done my best on my own and it didn't seem he had used any poisons. I'd barely made it out of the cemetery to the surrounding woods before I collapsed in a dry spot under a large pine. I was unconscious within moments. I had used too much of my energy, too much of my power to even consider travelling any farther in my current condition and I had no will to anyway. I just wanted relief, a sanctuary from my own mind, I needed it. But even in sleep I wasn't safe and now I had forced my Pair to become a monster she didn't even understand.

I doubted Jev had fully disclosed the pitfalls of his species, but I didn't let my nightmare haunt me. I had already left my emotions, discarded them like the crippling weights they were. I buried them so deeply, so completely, until I couldn't feel them at all, not even the sadness. I let one emotion remain though, one to guide my actions, to be the beacon I'd follow. Rage. The only thing I felt was a white hot anger, a burning inside my gut, a drive to make the one responsible pay, the need to kill the one who had ruined my life, ruined me, over and over and over again. The Collector, my father.

It would have been frightening if I had kept the ability to fear how quickly my emotions fell from me, sinking into the void where my soul should have been. I hadn't done that, felt that, since I was a child living under my father's rules. Since I had no need for emotions, since I had only looked at them as burdens. But that's what they were again, smoke and dust that clouded my judgment, that didn't allow me to think, to act. I needed to bury them if I was going to get revenge. And now with Jordan throwing her life away because of the tragedy our Clan had become, now I just had one more reason to want to see my father dead, to hunt him down just like I had done to so many like him. He was the cause of this, he was the reason my life had never been worth living, and as soon as I killed him, I would follow him. As soon as I sent him to Hell I would join him, destroying all he had worked for, all he had created. Creatures like me weren't meant to live.

A cold smile touched my lips and I realized my Shift had covered me. I remember the feeling of no longer trying to control it, no longer limiting it, holding it in. I used to always have my Shift pulled around me. I'd rarely gone without it, even when I didn't need it. Jev had taught me to bury it, he had trained me to only use it when I needed to, but I didn't care anymore if it corrupted me. With my emotions gone, my humanity gone, it seemed only fitting that my Shift replace them.

I walked through the woods with my world a mix of paper and ink, shadows running from my eyes, colors drained until I only saw the objects, the physical marks of the world in stark contrast. It had been a long time since I couldn't see the beauty in the black and white of my power, but there was nothing beautiful now, nothing worth admiring in my world anymore. I remembered the first time I thought my Shift was beautiful, the things I could see that no one else could, the ease with which I could gaze through shadows, the details I would usually miss.

My father had sent me to train in the woods one night, it was freezing and I had been in a dark mood because of it. Even as a child I'd hated the change of seasons, perpetual summer and scorching heat always seemed more pleasant to me. It had begun to snow which only worsened my mood and I had hastily pulled my Shift around myself, it was like second nature to me then, something automatic, like blinking or scanning the forest before you for a hidden threat. I don't know what was different about that time, but as my eyes darkened the world seemed to shine before me.

The moon glowed like a pearl in the sky, the snow catching its light looked like diamond shards falling over the dark trees, clinging to every branch and glittering as if they were lit from within. The shadows around me lessened and every detail of the ground, the leaves, the sky, was amplified in me until it looked like a dream, a vision, but not the vile ones I had always had.

I had been so distracted by the scene before me I hadn't noticed Malachi sneak up on me. He was younger, and I always bested him. I had a cruelty he lacked, a reverence for the twisted that he had never been able to compete with. That was the first and last time I ever lost in training to him, and my father hadn't been pleased. I still had scars on my back from his lesson, and yet I now felt bitter I'd lost the beauty my Shift had shown me. It had been a gift in a way, to see beauty in such an ugly power, but there was nothing beautiful anymore, nothing but hate and anger and darkness.

I walked toward the city, knowing I had to form a plan, knowing that I needed a place to stay. I hated Jev for what he had done, but a part of me wondered if this would be her salvation from me, if she would be able to survive now, survive the loss of her Twin. I hoped she had found a cure from my curse, from the shadow that always seemed to follow me, destroying the ones I cared for most.

Now I just had to protect myself until I had time to find my father, then I wouldn't care if I died, but I couldn't lose myself until I had destroyed him. If I didn't, no one would. No one wanted it as much as I did, no one knew him like I did. If anyone could kill such a demon, it was me. He had practically raised me for such a task, to be able to beat anyone, destroy anything I wished. That had been what all my training was ultimately for, so I would be the best, the only.

I walked without feeling the ground, my body bringing me to the destination my mind had commanded without a conscious thought. It was amazing, feeling nothing, no pain, no sorrow, no loss, it was like I wasn't even real. My Shift was the perfect armor in a way. I didn't even feel the guilt, which would have been the worst of it, knowing that I had spent years tricking Kael and Nevaeh, lying to them when they trusted me more than anyone else in the world. When they had placed their lives in my hands. That I hadn't even been truthful with my Pair, not even once, wondering if things would have gone differently if I had trusted her with my secret, trusted them all with it.

If I could have felt anything, that would have hurt the worst, that would have been what killed me, the guilt, the doubts, wondering if I could have saved them from this, saved us.

I knew I was destroying myself, the part of me I had tried to create, to cultivate all the years with my Clan, all the years trying to undo the damage my father had done. Trying to be a man, not a monster. I knew I was burying everything good in me that I had spent so much time making, but I couldn't bury my emotions without burying my humanity, my heart, as well.

I didn't care though, what choice did I have? It was live as a monster and have the chance to make right as much as I could, or die as a man, buried by my sorrow, my guilt, and have my father win. I had no choice, I had to destroy the weak part of me if I wanted to be strong enough to do what I had to. I had to harden myself if I wanted to survive. Emotions were a luxury, a heart a target. I had to become what my father had always wanted if I had a chance of being able to kill him.

The thought left a bitter mark in my mind. My father would finally have the ruthless, heartless son he had so desired, the cruelty he had craved, the rage he had tried to impart in me, just in time for me to turn it all on him, for the protégé he had pitted on so many to turn and destroy his master. I absently wondered if he'd see the irony. Or maybe this was what he wanted, maybe he wanted me destroyed, maybe his plan all along was to let me build my little castle, make my own life, have my own Clan, a family, and then destroy it, destroy me, so I would become the monster I was already working towards.

Well, if he wanted a monster, he was getting it. I didn't want redemption for what I was, I wanted revenge. A curve pulled at my lips once more and I could feel the cold wind hit my tapered teeth. I would give him what he wanted, but he had no idea how far I'd go to have my revenge. He had stolen my life, my family. He had stolen Jordan from me. It didn't matter if I lost myself, buried my humanity so deep it was suffocated by my own damnation. It didn't matter because I would follow him to Hell too quickly to further any plan he vainly hoped I'd achieve. I had only one purpose now, he had taken away all the rest. The sting of that thought alone was enough to catch my breath in my throat, even without my emotions, but it only steeled my resolve.

Once my purpose was complete, then my life would have no reason to continue and I'd finally give myself the justice all like me deserved; a slow death to remember my sins and an eternity in Hell to atone for them.

I remembered the time I spoke to Malachi about my plan to kill my father. I had always been ambitious, and cunning, a deadly combination, but Malachi had told my father of our conversation immediately, one of the many betrayals I learned of young. Though we spent years together, we had never been allies. I considered killing him too, staging it as a training accident, but I enjoyed playing with him in our practices together far too much to be done with him for good. I remembered a plan I had to kill myself too, when no one was around to bring me back until it was too late, but it had rarely been serious.

My life had always been a mixture of suffering and gratification, pleasure intertwined with pain. I enjoyed my power, my killings, my chores and assignments, yet I had often fantasized my own death as a child. But now my plan was closing in, and I felt oddly calm about it. I knew I'd die soon, maybe within the year, but the idea of death didn't bother me, neither did Hell. I smirked as I thought of how fitting it was, since I liked fire so much.

I pulled the warehouse door back, finally at my destination, and looked in, my Shift showing me what the darkness tried to cover.

"Hello, Chimarah." I said with a smile.