Embarrassment.

Anger.

Hatred.

These three emotions are so entwined, like the twisting strands of the DNA that makes us up and allows us to even feel them.

Because, right now, I was totally, utterly, wholly and completely embarrassed. The feeling was so intense that it made my cheeks sting and my skin crawl.

I had come all this way. I had ridden an elephant, canoed through snake -infested waters and spent a fortune on a plane ticket to travel half way across the world when my feelings were clearly not reciprocated. Jess obviously dIdn't know Damien as well as she thought she did!

But the embarrassment soon gave way to anger. Burning, blazing anger that could definitely kill. I was furious with Damien, with myself, with the world and not to mention the flickering romantic candles and stupid scattered petals that seemed to be taunting me.

And now... cue hatred. I hated him! I hated this stupid party, the fucking moon, the rotten steps that I'd just climbed practically dislocating my Gluteus Maximus as I went, and I certainly hated elephants and airplanes and anything else associated with this total disaster.

And now, I was madly vacillating between all of them.

How could he? (Anger again)

But of course he could. It's not like I owned him, or had any claim to him. It was my naïve fault for thinking that I did. (Embarrassment)

That bastard! (Hatred)

Every synapse in my brain was firing on full steam, creating a horrible whirlwind of thoughts that I knew were absolutely irrational, but I just couldn't help it.

I bet he's planning a big, hot night of sex with some hot, cool chick... maybe its that German girl. Yes, she looked suspicious and positively slutty. No one can be that beautiful, it's not right, it's not natural and it's not fair. But it looks like it's more than just sex. In fact, on closer inspection, all this romance could only mean one thing, surely? Guy's don't go to the effort of lighting hundreds of candles and laying flowers if they aren't planning something big.

A proposal?!? (Wildly irrational, I know.)

Oh my God I'm so stupid... how long have they been dating? And their kids will probably be supermodels. Clever, Astrophysicist, supermodel children born with six packs and great hair.

Of course he didn't love me. Of course he hadn't been curled up in the fetal position pinning for me all year. He's probably been having the time of his life, shagging up a storm.

I hate him.

No, I love him.

Bastard.

God my mind was a mess right now.

I needed to get away. Make a quick escape before he saw me, I didn't think I'd be able to bare the humiliation of a face-to-face confrontation. So I started inching backwards; my trembling legs were barely able to support my body. I was shaking with rage. I was nauseous and flushed with embarrassment, not to mention violently wringing my hands. If I was so inclined, I might punch him. Smack him right between those perfect eyes and hopefully leave a big, painful bruise. How would Heidi Klum like him then?

I'd almost made my way to the steps when something suddenly stopped me.

A thought.

I'd come all this way. I'd taken a risk, I'd been totally prepared to wear my heart on my sleeve and put myself out there in the most vulnerable way possible. And that is nothing to be embarrassed about. To walk away from this now without saying something to him....I would regret that for the rest of my life.

So, despite my screaming sinews, churning stomach and the loud, visceral cracking of my heart, I turned around and started walking back.

Damien was still standing on the deck fiddling with the candles in preparation for his German shagathon. I had no idea what I was going to say to him; what does one say in a situation like this? It's not likes there's a guide book, a 'How to Manuel' or 'The Idiots guide to confronting the man you just flew half way across the world to confess your undying love for when the feelings are not reciprocated."

"Surprise, surprise Damien." My tone was acerbic to say the least, and perhaps it wasn't the most hard-hitting opening line, but it was all I could think of.

He looked up at me.

Surprised.

God he was gorgeous. God I wanted to smoosh his face into something.

"Lilly... I wasn't expecting you-'

I cut him off quickly, "Of course you weren't expecting me." Sarcastic as hell. "But the question is... who were you expecting...HUH?" The 'huh' was probably a bit loud and over emphasized, and even more so when I put my hands on my hips in an aggressive and dramatic stance.

Suddenly I felt like I was channeling my mother. If I could be big and bold and dramtic right now, perhaps he wouldn't see that my heart was breaking.

I stepped up onto the deck and looked around with melodramatic disdain; I even picked up a flower for added drama, before tossing it to the ground with a thud of exploding petals. I almost expected to hear the swell of dramatic music. I was the star of my own Soap Opera now; I was the jilted lover confronting her cheating husband, who was sleeping with my sister, who was actually my father's illegitimate child from another marriage to a woman who was actually my mother's evil twin.

Damien stepped forward and opened his mouth to speak, "I was actually expecting-" But I cut him off again.

'I know who you were expecting. I know all about you and your German hussy. You and your little..." I rapidly searched for an insult, " Your strudel." (Probably not the best choice of insult, but this was no time to second-guess myself)

"I know you're probably going to propose and get married and have gorgeous children with cute German accents and..." But as soon as those words were out of my mouth, my bravado melted away. My mask slipped. The mere thought seemed to deplete me of the reserves needed to keep up the cool, calm confrontational manner. The hard, sarcastic exterior had cracked...

"I can't believe how stupid I've been Damien. I mean..." I started to pace now and my voice was probably two octaves higher than it had previously been, "I mean... I flew all the way here, to the middle of the jungle to find you and tell you, well, to tell you...." I could feel the tears starting to well up and the words were getting stuck, "To tell you... um...To fucking tell you that I'm fucking in love with you OKAY! I've been in love with you this whole time and when I saw Jess and she told me that stuff, I thought there might be a chance for us, but now I can see there isn't-"

"Lilly, just wait-" Damien tried to cut me off again, but I wasn't having it.

"No you wait!" I could feel the warm tears starting to escape, "I came all this way because I thought that maybe, maybe, just maybe you were 'The One'. My soul mate or whatever you want to call it. Because even though it's been a year, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you and-"

"Lilly, stop-"

"I'm still not finished." The more he tried to cut me off, the more worked up I was getting, I think I was also half- mad and delerious from dehydration and over exertion, " But it's okay Damien, It's okay. In fact, I'm glad I've seen this. Because now I know for definite, beyond a reasonable doubt, that it's over.

"Lilly!"

"Now I can move on with my life. And maybe I'll also find someone special and get married and have kids and a dog and a house in the suburbs with roses and-"

"Lilly, for heaven sake-"

"SO, I wish you and your girlfriend all the best, but I'm going to-'

Damien almost jumped across the deck and then...

He kissed me.

I froze.

The kiss was firm and forceful as he gripped my face between his hands tightly. It almost hurt.

And then he pulled away and looked at me, cm's away from my face.

"Lilly. Shut up. Please, please, pretty please zip it for just one second so I can explain." For some reason he said that with a smile on his face, which I wasn't sure how to interperate. Was he mocking me?

"Hey," I pushed him back, "don't you dare tell me to shut up. And how dare you kiss me like that it's not-"

And then he did it again!

He kissed me.

But this time the kiss felt tender. His lips were soft, softer than I'd remembered them. His fingers gently stroked the side of my face, while his other hand made it's way around to the small of my back. He pulled me closer and despite myself, despite everything that my brain was screaming at me, I kissed him back.

It was a kiss over three hundred days in the making and it was amazing. Soft and slow and gentle and sexy. So, so sexy.

"Lilly," His voice was soft and breathy as he pulled away and looked me straight in the eye.

Melt.

Melt.

Melt.

"Lilly, this is all for you. Everything. I knew you were coming, I just wasn't expecting you to find me, I was about to come down and look for you."

"What?" I was gob smacked, "How is that possible?"

"Do you really think Jess can keep a secret?"

'But she promised."

Damien smiled, "Jess is incapable of keeping anything to herself!"

I still felt a little confused. Mainly due to the roller coaster of emotions I'd just endured. And then, as the shroud of confusion started to lift, I started to feel the familiar sting of embarrasment all over again. The things I'd just said. The deranged ramblings!

"So this..." I looked around the deck, "The flowers, candles, is... for me? There's no one else."

Damien nodded. "It's only you Lilly."

"Oh crap! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that stuff. Shit! I don't know what got into me, I-"

And now it was Damien's turn to cut me off mid-sentence, "I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you from the momet I laid eyes on you with those stupid pink bunny rabbit slippers. Lilly, you're the first thing I think about when I open my eyes in the morning, and the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep-.'

My breathe quickened and I was overwhelmed by a strange sensation; my heart swelling to dizzying proportions inside my chest.

"You're my one Lilly. And I'm not, NOT, going to make the mistake of letting you go again. Whatever it takes."

And with that, nothing else needed to be said. We hadn't discussed the logistics; would he be coming back to South Africa, would I stay? But it didn't matter. Because in that moment- in the way he was looking at me, the way he was pulling me closer and kissing me tenderly- I knew that we would be together. No matter what, where or how.

The sun was dipping below the horizon once again and the bright moon was starting its steady climb into the indigo sky. The purple twilight around us was tinged with a warm gold, which made Damien look softer, and gentler than I'd ever seen him.

He smiled at me, "By the way, who's this German woman I'm proposing to and having kids with?"

I laughed, "She's this crazy hot woman I shared an elephant with."

"Mmmm," A boyish look glinted in his eyes and the mood suddenly changed, "But definitely not as hot as you. "

I shook my head, "You haven't seen her. Trust me."

And then Damien's eyes darkened and his mouth curled into that crooked, mischievous smile that I'd fantasied about for a whole year.

He let go of my face and his hands found their way under my shirt and up to my bra strap.

"I don't need to see her. Trust me," His voice was low and dripped with the promise of sex. There was absolutely no misinterpreting the situation now, I knew what was about to happen.

I felt my bra straps loosen and then Damien pulled my shirt off.

"I've thought about this every night for the past year." He said, as my bra and shirt fell to the ground. I could feel his eyes moving over my naked breast.

"Me too," My voice was nothing more than a tiny whisper now.

"Come." He took me by the hand; lead me across the deck to the bed he'd made and lay me down on it.

I looked up at the sky. It was a deep, inky purple and the stars were starting to come out in all their glory. The moon was still creeping higher.

This was the perfect night.

The perfect moment.

Damien was perfect.

And I was never going to let him go again.

And those were my last thoughts as Damien pulled his shirt off and started kissing me....

https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7770522.Jo_Watson