My heart jumped into my throat and then into my ears where it started beating so hard and fast, that I could no longer hear the clang of spoons against coffee cups and the idle chitter chatter of the people around me.

I scanned the room frantically; looking, hoping, praying, wanting to see Damien. I didn’t, but what I did see though was Jess, sitting at a coffee table in all her blunt fringed, faded pink t-shirted coolness sipping on a tall Latte and eating a giant piece of red velvet cake. How was she so thin? If I ate that, Leonard would have to tie me to a treadmill, weigh me down with 10kg weights and beat me for the next week while I ran non-stop without sleep.

Lucky bitch.

I eyed the back of her; she had a cute star tattoo on the base of her neck, and I wanted nothing more than to go over and talk to her, but a part of me was frightened. No, frightened wasn’t the right word. Terrified.

What if she told me that Damien was great? Happy? That he’d settled down with some hot girl and they were going at it like porn stars all night long and spending all their other moments clutching onto each other like love sick teenagers. I felt nauseous just thinking about it. I was so wrapped up in this torturous whirlwind of thoughts that I suddenly realized I was standing next to her table with no idea, or vague recollection, of how I got there; my legs must have done the walking on their own accord without consulting with my brain. Crap!

Jess looked up from the red velvet calorie hell and a huge smile lit up her face. She put her spoon down and jumped up immediately.

“Oh my God! Lilly!” She shouted so loudly that I’m sure not only the whole restaurant heard, but the entire block too. She hugged me hard and then pulled back and looked me up and down.

“You look amazing. Wow.”

I felt slightly self-conscious and instinctively ran my hand through my new shorter hair, “Thanks, I got my hair cut.”

Jess looked me up and down again and then shook her head, “No, it’s not that at all. It’s something else.” She paused for a moment and I could see she was thinking, “It’s your whole vibe, I can’t explain it, but you just look great. Sit! Sit babes!”

I sat down with her and realized I’d forgotten just how much I liked her. She was probably one of the most straight talking people I’d ever met. There was no bullshit with her, ever. She said what she meant and meant what she said. It was a quality I really admired, she was totally and unapologetically her own person.

“So how’ve you been? It’s been a year, right?”

“Um…” I was wringing my hands under the table in a desperate attempt not to bleat out the following;

So how’s Damien? What does he look like? Is he still so gorgeous? Is he seeing someone else? Is he in love? Where is he? When is he coming home? Does he know how much I love him and want to have thousands of babies with him and change my surname to his and live happily ever after and have amazing sex all night long and spend the rest of the time cuddling?? Huh? Huh? Huh?

So I mustered all the cool, calm nonchalance I could find and simply said, “I’m fine,” but then straight afterwards felt like screaming, NOT.

But my nonchalance didn’t stop there, “Mmmm, great. Yeah. Just…fine. Totally, so fine. Like, sooo fine in fact. Yeah.” I nodded and tried to smile, but failed dismally when it felt like my face was made of putty and had a mind of it’s own. God knows what weird expressions it was contorting into right now.

We sat in silence for a second or two, as Jess stared at me with a suspicious look plastered across her face. She threw me the kind of look that seemed to shout a loud, resounding and very sarcastic, ‘whatever’. I got the distinct feeling that she knew what I was thinking and was just waiting for me to say the D word.

And then she leaned towards me, slowly and deliberately, “Okay, I’m just going to say it for you then.”

“What?”

“How’s Damien?” The second the words were out of her mouth my sigh of relief was audible and my whole body relaxed, as if I’d been tensing every single muscle in it - which I had been.

“So…” all my pseudo nonchalance had left me and I didn’t care, “How is he? How’s he been? What’s he been doing?”

“Honestly...” she hesitated for a moment and I could see she looked very conflicted. But about what? “...What the hell, I’m just going to tell you the truth. I’m not going to lie to you or mince my words."

My poor little heart did some funny acrobatic manoeuvring in my chest before it settled into the rhythm of a galloping racehorse.

Shit.

Shit.

Crap.

I didn’t want to hear this.

He was seeing someone else.

I just knew it.

“He’s terrible,” Jess finally said, “He’s so fucking miserable, he’s become unbearable to be around!”

It took a second to switch gears in my brain, “REALLY?” The word came flying out and I mentally kicked myself for seeming so happy and enthusiastic about his misery. “I mean, really?” I tried to sound casual this time but the giant smile plastered across my face was not helping convey that sentiment in the slightest.

“Yip. Since you left he’s moped around. To be honest - I love him, to bits. He’s my best friend in the world, but if I have to endure another night of; Lilly this and Lilly that and Lilly the next thing, I might beat him.”

Internal cartwheels of joy.

Sheer happiness.

Bliss.

This was the best thing I’d heard it almost three hundred and fifty six bloody long, depressing, painful days.

“And I’m not saying this to try and make you feel bad or anything. I mean I know you’ve got on with your life and started dating again-“

I cut her off immediately, “I’m not dating anyone!”

Jess looked genuinely confused. “Really?”

“Absolutely not. What gave you that idea?” I felt angry with her for even making that assumption.

“Okay, I’ll be honest again, I’ve been stalking you on Facebook… on Damien’s behalf though. If I don’t voluntarily go to your profile and scan your wall, he steals my phone and does it himself, since you blocked him. And we saw those pictures of you with that guy, that good looking blond one that had his arm around you. We just assumed you were a couple, you looked like one.”

I mentally ran through my Facebook photo album in an attempt to figure out what she was talking about. And then I remembered it. That ‘surprise’ blind date, when Sue had taken those pictures and shouted out, in a very not-so-subtle fashion, “Put your arm around her Brad.”

I was mortified then, and I was mortified now.

“I… I wasn’t dating him, well, sort of…” great, my nervous stutter makes an untimely return, “I mean, we were kind of, but…not really, we only went on a few dates but I didn’t really like him."

“Well Damien thought you did. In fact, it couldn’t have come at a worse time for him. He was just about to fly out to South Africa and then he saw those pictures, and, well- ”

I gasped. I couldn’t believe it; Damien had been planning to come to South Africa. The timing couldn’t have been more horrid if that bitch Karma, the evil movie producers and writer wench had sat down around a table and conspired together. I mentally cursed Sue for her new obsession with Instagram, and this uncontrollable urge she now possessed to take photos of everyone and then post them onto Facebook.

I could only imagine what Damien must have thought when he saw those pictures, and if the roles had been reversed and it had been me seeing them, I’m not sure how I would have responded.

“Why, why was he coming to South Africa?” I finally managed to ask.

I looked at Jess as she moved a piece of red velvet cake around her plate, which left a thick snail like trail of icing behind it.

“He wanted to get you back.”

“Shit,” I put my head in my hands, “But he’s coming back soon isn’t he?”

Jess shook her head, “He’s decided not to come back.”

Her words stung me, “What? Why?”

“He doesn’t think he has anything to come back to, I think that at the back of his mind- he was hoping you guys would get back together.”

Everyone and everything in the coffee shop disappeared. Suddenly I was Keanu Reeves in the Matrix, and the world around me was now just a series of numbers and flashing green dots, blurry images, monotonous droning sounds and slow motion movements. I took in the full implications of those words.

Damien was not coming back to South Africa.

I would never see him again.

There was no chance for us.

It’s amazing what an impact social media can have on our lives. One photo of me- taken at the wrong time with bad hair- goes viral for the world to see, a few innocent photos of me with some guy I didn’t even like has the power to stop Damien dead in his tracks. We rely so heavily on it, and yet a Tweet taken out of context, the perceived tone of a status update can have celebrities fighting and friends flinging mud.

“So where’s he now?” I asked Jess while waving the waiter down- I needed cake.

“He’s in Japan, but he’s going to Thailand tomorrow, it’s Burning Moon again.”

Flick.

Switch.

The sound of a light bulb turning on.

The sound of clarity.

Crystal clear, piercing, brilliant shinny clarity.

The same kind of clarity I’d had when I decided to go on my honeymoon alone.

“Where…where is it going to be?” I was getting fired up now and stood out of my chair.

“Not sure, the map hasn’t gone out yet.”

“How do I get a ticket?”

Jess looked at me for a moment before her face lit up, “That’s a brilliant idea. Please, please save me from the torture of having a miserable best friend and for God's sake go and get him. Please. I beg you.”

“I need a ticket. Can I come with you?”

“Sharon and I aren’t going this year. But I can get you one.” Jess jumped up and grabbed me by the shoulders, “And please, when you get there, have sex with him as soon as possible-“

“Jess!” I hissed at her looking around to see if anyone had heard.

“Sorry,” Jess said, “But I think if a man goes without sex for a whole year it makes him mad. So do something about it! For all of our sakes. Please.”

I smiled at Jess; she had such an elegant way with words, “Fine! I’ll do something about it.”

“Oooh,” she playfully slapped me on the arm, “the new and improved, non-prudish Lilly. I like it. You’re nasty gurl.”

And then her face changed; her expression was serious for the first time ever. I’d never seen her like this before.

“He’s crazy about you Lilly. Completely head over heels. I’ve known Damien since we were snotty nosed kids riding our bicycles up and down the street. We’ve been through a lot together and I know him better than anyone on this planet - and that’s why I know you guys are perfect for each other. So go and get him hot stuff!”