a/n

I posted this on my Instagram page @xxflawfully_amazynxx and a few of you texted me requesting to post it in the book! So here I am. (i.e pardon my ridiculous self promotion, but do drop by my profile ;))

I saw you light up your first cigarette

with trembling hands as you

breathed out into the winter day.

Your lips quivered and your eyes had watered as you placed the

cancer stick inbetween your

fevered yet sinless lips.

You broke out choking the

very next second as your pale cheeks

puffed up, the result of the toxic intake.

Yet, you continued. You didn't stop.

I often found myself wondering why

you did not stop that day.

why you didn't relent even when you

knew it was breaking you.

But, overtime I realised.

You were a puppet at the hands of

vile creatures in sheep's skin.

You were a mere pawn

at the cruel game which society played.

I saw you scatter bit by bit like the

ashes from the cigarette you had

grown accustomed to lighting every evening.

I saw you paint yourself in

black and white.

I saw you feign

stiff smiles and dead eyes.

I saw you crying yourself to shards

under the same tree everyday with a

cigarette in hand.

Was it all worth it, my love?

You were finally blending in but why

weren't you happy?

How many more bridges were you

going to burn?

How many more cigarettes were you going to light?

How many more tears where you going to shed?

It was killing you wasn't it?

Was all this the cost of your happiness?Was all this enough?

I saw you get caught in the fingers of

numerous deplorable boys.

Like a fish caught in net.

You struggled for freedom,

but you were too caught up in this

nasty trap, weren't you?

The worst part was

you only wanted love.

You only wanted love,

even though you knew,

all you would get at the end

will be regret and heartbreak.

Dear beloved,

I always wondered. That's what I did.

I was a cowardly spectator to your life

that was falling apart right before

my eyes.

I have my regrets.

I sometimes find myself thinking,

did I ever have the possibility of

saving you?

But, as they say it is impossible to

save the damned.

You told me so yourself,

didn't you?

You had crossed the line beyond saving.

Among my many regrets are things

I had always wanted to tell you.

Yes, perhaps I couldn't save you.

But, one thing I could've

done was tried. I didn't.

I wanted to tell you,

your eyes reminded

me of honey swirls

and I could get drunk off them

even faster than the

strongest of whiskies.

I wanted to tell you,

your lips were comparable to the

most delectable strawberries.

I wanted to tell you,

your sun-kissed skin was perfect.

More than perfect.

I wanted to tell you,

you were the most colourful

little being to be ever created.

You didn't have to change, my love.

You didn't have to blend.

God makes no mistakes, my love.

Why did you think he would

make you any less perfect?

If I could I would have

kissed your scars away and

hugged you till you realised that

you were the only thing that mattered,

but I was a coward.

A bastard who

resorted to spinelessness.

And I fairly earned what I deserved. The rightful heartbreak that bled into my soul till death.

~ the spectator of your destruction

•••