《The Nanny》32. Ash
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At the end of the produce section, I spot them. Flora and Toby have their shopping trolley half full, and they're staring at me, Chloe, and Joey with such naked longing that it's impossible to ignore. My heart squeezes in my chest, and I consider avoiding them completely. Last time I spoke to them, I was rattled for days.
But maybe this chance meeting is a sign. They've given me the space I asked for, without question. When Imogen and I were together, they treated me like a son, and it might be nice to relive some part of that. Not sure I'll ever completely trust them again, given how they didn't seek out me or Chloe until now, but I don't know if it's fair to keep my daughter from them. Joey seems so close with his gran and grandad when they video chat. In that way, Chloe ends up punished too.
Joey and Paige go back to America in five months, and if I remember anything about my life pre-Paige, it's that I'm going to need help. I can't raise Chloe completely on my own. At this point, I don't even know what I'm going to do when Paige leaves. Not a clue. Live off my savings for a month or two while I find more employment doing...something. That's a reality I can't keep ignoring.
I wheel my trolley over to them with determination, and when I'm close enough, I stop to let them have a look.
"Chloe," Flora breathes.
"I'm Joey." He turns in his spot beside Chloe and grins at them.
"This your girlfriend's child?" Toby asks, and there's a stiffness to the question that I don't like.
"I'm Joey's childminder." I ruffle his hair, and he tries to swat my hand away. "You came to my employer's house the other day."
Toby's jaw tightens, and he raises his eyebrows. "Is that so? Was that your employer in the house with you?"
"Toby," Flora cautions. "Can I—" She seems to fumble for what she wants. "Can we buy you a cup of tea?"
Somehow, I'm going to have to get used to her looking like her daughter, but each time her expression is familiar, it hurts my heart. I stare into the trolley and what I've already picked up. Nothing frozen that I need to worry about thawing, but I still hesitate. Am I ready to crack this door?
"An expresso, even," she says, as though she senses me weakening, and her hand lands on my forearm. "Something quick."
"What do you reckon, Joey? Up for a biscuit?" I ask.
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"Joey loves cookies." He also loves talking in the third person lately. Joey nudges Chloe. "Chloe, cookies!"
She claps her hands and bounces beside him in the trolley. When I glance up, Flora's expression is soft with wonder.
"She reminds me so much of Imogen at that age," she whispers.
I straighten and tighten my grip on the cart, but I don't say anything in response. It's impossible to look at Chloe and not see the pieces of Imogen she inherited. Thankfully, she's not her mother's twin. There's a lot of me in there, and we've spent so much time with Paige, that some of Chloe's gestures aren't me or Imogen. They've been passed down by someone else entirely.
"Right," I say. "A cup of tea and a biscuit. Then we'll be on our way."
"Of course," Flora says with a hopeful smile. "Of course. Lovely of you to agree."
"I'll pay for these. Where shall we meet you?"
"Beacons," Toby says. "Town Centre."
"See you there," I say, and as I walk away, I dig my phone out of my pocket to text Paige before tucking it away again. She'll be working, but it won't take her long to get back to me. I so rarely message her at work that when I do, her replies are quick.
Joey gets out of the trolley to help me scan the items through the self-checkout, and Chloe passes me whatever she can reach.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I take it out while I slide my card into the machine.
"You're going for tea with them?" Paige says before she even says hello.
"I am." I wait to see what she'll say as the receipt prints. Joey takes it, and I lift him back into the trolley.
"Okay." She takes an audible breath. "Okay. That's good?"
"Don't know. We shall see." I wheel the trolley out of the store, and when I get to the car, I pop the boot. Even just hearing Paige's voice calms the riot in my stomach at the thought of sitting across from Flora and Toby without bringing up Imogen. I can do that. Just need to stay focused on Chloe and what's best for her. Where Imogen is and what she's doing isn't my main concern.
"If you need to debrief when you get home, or if you need to call once you're done, I'll keep my phone on."
Joey is in the car and buckled, and I'm finishing Chloe's clips with the phone pressed to my ear as I listen to Paige breathe. There's a strange tension coming off her, and I wonder whether she's worried about me doing this. Understandable. Part of me would like to avoid it forever, and I might have done if I hadn't run into them.
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"I'll ring you," I say. "Either way, I'll ring you."
"Do you want me to pick up dinner on the way home?"
"Just did a food shop. We're alright." I close Chloe's door, and I stand in the carpark, and I wish I could explain the tightness in my chest. It's tied to Flora and Toby, but it's also connected to Paige. She's worried, and she's normally so steady that it only increases my concerns. "Am I doing the right thing?"
There's a long pause on the other end of the line. "If you want to meet with them, you should. They're Chloe's grandparents."
Not exactly a glowing endorsement for tea, though I likely shouldn't have expected more. She's never tried to make me agree with her feelings or opinions on anything.
"Chat later, yeah?"
"Call me if you need me."
I hang up, slot the phone into my pocket, and I climb into the car. As I wheel us toward the exit, I hope I'm not making a mistake.
~ * ~
The tea is hot, and the conversation is cold. Where it was once easy to speak to Flora and Toby as if they were my own parents, now every question and answer feels loaded. We've danced around whyever they've returned to Bedfordshire long enough.
"What is it you're after?" I ask as I pass Chloe another biscuit to suck on and gum into submission. Joey has made short work of his two biscuits, and he's drinking his chocolate milk. Any minute now, he'll need to pee, and we'll have to run for a toilet. "Have you really moved back here for good?"
"Yes," Toby says. "I took a transfer back to the Bedford location so we could be closer to our granddaughter. We'd really like to have a relationship with her."
I don't make eye contact as I absorb what they've said. "It's been a year."
"Imogen went through a very difficult time after she left," Flora says. "She told us we couldn't support her and support you and Chloe as well. You and Chloe were too far away for us to help with anything day-to-day, and Imogen had come home."
It begs the question of whether Imogen is back in Bedfordshire too, but I'm not asking it. "How is it you'd like to be involved in Chloe's life?"
"Maybe we could..." Flora exchanges a glance with Toby. "Spend one day a week with her?"
"No." I sit back and cross my arms.
"What would you allow then?" Flora asks, and I sense Toby's impatience emanating off him.
Letting them have Chloe without me around doesn't seem like a good beginning. Since I've started working for Paige, unless she's with Diya, Tejinder, or Paige, she's with me. Toby and Flora, grandparents or not, are strangers.
"On Sundays, I play football. I could bring Chloe, and you could tend to her off the pitch but within my sight. Best I can do."
"Every Sunday?" Toby asks.
"Every Sunday. Club runs year round, and I'm there every week."
"We'll take it," Flora says with a sigh of relief. "And if that goes well..."
"We shall see," I say. "Might be open to another arrangement." I sit forward, and I make eye contact with each of them. "I want to make myself perfectly clear. Imogen is not welcome in any part of this. She doesn't get to swan into Chloe's life without having to deal with me. I don't know where she is or what she's doing, and I don't want to know."
Toby glances at Flora, but she maintains eye contact with me. "We understand."
Their wordless exchange is heavy with something I don't understand, but if it's going to lead into a conversation about Imogen, I don't want to have that chat anyway. I've told them where I stand, and if they don't respect it, they'll lose the little time they're being given with Chloe.
Flora, Toby, and Imogen have hurt me, but I can take it. I'm an adult. But what I won't allow is for any of them to float into Chloe's life if they don't intend to stay. When Chloe was born, I vowed that I'd do anything to protect her, and I will. Even if it means shielding her from people who should love her.
"We've got a deal, then," I say, getting out a set of wipes from the rucksack at my feet. I pass one to Joey who takes care of himself, and then I ease one across Chloe's messy face. "Sunday. I'll see you at the football pitch." I pick Chloe up, and I pop Joey off his seat. With the rucksack over my shoulders, and Chloe's small hand on one side and Joey's on the other, we head back to the car.
I don't glance back because one way or another, I've made my choice. The door to my life and Chloe's is cracked.
When I get to the car, I call Paige and tell her everything.
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