Not sure what happened between Gwen and Paige, but there's been a lot more laughter between the two of them in the last few days. It's nice to hear Paige so much happier, and I don't even resent that Gwen seems glued to her sister the minute she gets home. Whether or not Gwen believed me about how she was speaking to Paige, she seems to be more aware of what she's saying and how. I've even heard her apologize a few times when she's said something not particularly nice.

It's the night before Gwen is supposed to leave, and I'm taking her to the train station in the morning with the kids in tow since Paige is working. For ten days, I've been waiting to get Paige alone for enough time to talk about the snog we shared, but the more time that's passed, the more I wonder if she even wants to discuss it. If I'm honest, I've gotten more nervous to bring it up at as well. Might be easier to leave it be since there's been no awkwardness between us. If only I could stop thinking about it and her.

In the other room, Gwen and Paige are talking and laughing about something—I reckon it's Gwen's date from last night. She downloaded a dating app and chose a random British bloke to have a drink with at the pub in the village. Before agreeing, she showed me his profile and asked if I thought he was likely to be a serial killer. Is that really the kind of thing women worry about? Here I am bothered by the small talk and women are, in jest or not, pondering their own murder?

Meeting some stranger for drinks to figure out if I fancy them is my version of hell, but Gwen seemed excited—despite her minor concerns over being murdered. Paige appeared interested in the app, whether that was for show or genuine, I'm not sure. Annoyed me to no end, and I was in a foul mood for the rest of the night. Easy enough to conceal when I can go to my own room to watch telly and sulk.

"Hey," Paige says from the doorway of the kitchen, and I turn to face her from my spot by the sink. I was so caught up in my own thoughts, I didn't hear Gwen go to bed.

"Alright?" I ask, and I sling the tea towel over my shoulder. "How was Gwen's date?"

"Hilarious—one of her skills is crafting a good story out of something not-so-good." She wanders deeper into the room, but she lingers at the counter space furthest from me. "How are you? You didn't seem like yourself last night—disappearing upstairs when Gwen wasn't even home."

Right. Not so easy to conceal, then. Noted.

"Just tired," I say with a shrug. Can't very well tell her the truth in this instance. I was jealous you were thinking about fancying other blokes when I want you to fancy me, isn't something I can saw aloud. Even thinking it seems stupid. We snogged a bit. That's it. Means something to me. Might not mean anything to her.

She bites the inside of her cheek, and I hate how far apart we've grown in the last ten days. Maybe it's good for us in the long run, but it doesn't feel very good right now.

"Did you think anymore about the cake smash or a party for Chloe or anything?"

"Cake smash sounds like a laugh. I can book it and pay for it, if you tell me where."

"My treat. I have it bookmarked already. I just didn't want to do it if you weren't interested."

We stare at each other across the space, and my heart feels so defeated. Ten days ago, I reckon we were right there together, on the brink of something. We're so far from the brink, I can't even see it now. "Are we going to talk about it, or are we just letting it go?"

"Let it go," she says it with more firmness than I'd be able to. "It would be complicated and—"

"Messy."

"We both need this arrangement to work."

I do, but I'm sure she'd have other options lined up if she sacked me. Letting the attraction die is best. Sensible. Keep things in the house neat and tidy between us. Just not quite sure how I kill my wanting.

"Right." I nod. "Guess that's all there is to say about that then." I turn back to the counter to run the cloth along it, and Paige pads out of the kitchen. Disappointment eats at my gut, but I won't be the one to let this sour the atmosphere in the house. She wants me to pretend I don't feel a thing for her; I can learn how to do that, just like all the other skills I've picked up around the house.

~ * ~

Gwen didn't pack a single thing last night, so while I try to keep the kids amused, she's running around the house gathering everything she's littered the place with since she arrived. We'll probably be finding her bits and bobs for weeks.

When she's finally ready, we pile into my car and head for the trail station.

"You still don't like me?" Gwen says once we're on the road.

"Got no issues with you now," I say. "Seemed to learn the error of your ways."

Gwen draws her handbag closer to her chest. "She's different with you."

"Hmm." Today, the last thing I want to talk about is Paige. I'm still wrapping my head around us backpedaling to some version of ourselves that doesn't exist anymore.

"Way more relaxed."

"I reckon that's just living in England, away from all the uptight Americans." I go around the roundabout that gave Paige so much trouble when she first arrived.

"Very funny," Gwen says, and she slides me a glance. "I'm trying to be nice here."

"Hmm."

"It's like...it's like she's realized you'll take care of her. Seems like my sister has spent all her life with men she's had to look after. Good on paper. Lawyers. Doctors. Bankers. Every one of them—a momma's boy."

"I loved my mum," I say, slightly offended that sounds like a bad thing. Nothing I wouldn't have done for my mum. Her death left a massive hole.

"Exactly. You're the kind of person who'd be looking after their mom, not the kind of person still being looked after by her."

"Your sister is my employer. I'm being paid to look after her."

"You're being paid to look after Joey."

"She's my employer," I say again because I need to be in the right frame when she returns from work. Neutral. We're going to figure out a way to cruise in neutral for the next seven months, apparently.

"But you care about her."

"'Course I do. She's lovely." My voice grows hoarse on the last word, betraying me. "But me and Paige know where we stand with each other."

"I just wanted you to know she's different with you—happier. That's all."

I drive into the carpark at the train station, and I shove the car in neutral before putting on the handbrake. Once I've got her luggage out of the boot, I consider whether it's a betrayal to say anything more to Gwen.

"She's not keen on seeing what's between us," I say while Gwen lengthens the handles on her bags.

"She's scared, but she feels it. You can tell by the way she talks about you. Whatever you feel for her, I guarantee, she's right there too."

"Fear's not an easy thing to overcome." I've got my own fears, and they aren't likely to be exactly the same as Paige's.

"It's not, is it? Hard to control. Funny how often we tell people not to feel it like it's easy. Thanks for driving me."

"Nice to meet you, Gwen."

She laughs. "You don't mean that, but I'm actually glad I met you. I think my relationship with my sister might be better for it, and I definitely think my sister is happier for being around you." She pats me on the shoulder before tugging her luggage behind her toward the ticket booth.

When I climb back into the car, I sit there for a minute trying to determine what I do with the bollocks Gwen has been talking in the last half hour. If nothing else, I suppose it gives me a bit of hope. Seven months is a long time to stay in neutral, and at some point, Paige might have the courage to consider putting us in first gear again.

"We go home?" Joey asks.

"Nah, mate. We're going food shopping. I'm going to cook your mum's favourite."

For me, trust and fear are linked. Though I'm a bit afraid of all the things that could go wrong, I trust Paige to be honest and fair. If I can show her she can trust me to be okay with whatever happens or doesn't happen between us, that'll give us a starting place.

I put the car into first, and I try not to let myself worry about what I can't control.

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