a/n: EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDAL TOPICS.

Monday, April 14th

Three days before my death day. Marcus might make me smile, but I'm still not happy. I'm still so tired of living. You can call me ungrateful, but it's hard to live with the grudges I hold against myself.

My dad would be back tomorrow.

Marcus is back at school today. That's good because Noah talks way more than his appearance suggests.

Last night, I wrote a suicide note. Since my death day was on the 17th, I decided to get that part out the way. At first I wasn't going to, but now I think some of the people in my life deserve an explanation, while others, deserve to feel bad.

FLASHBACK TO LAST NIGHT:

I sit on my bed, paper and clipboard on my lap. It was hard to put my life into a page. The key, was to start writing. So I did.

___________________________

So I'm dead now. Who found me? I honestly feel bad for whoever did. No one deserves to see someone lifeless. That's how I last saw mom. I'm going to explain to whoever is reading this how this note is organized. There will be different categories, made for different people to read. I'll start with dad.

Dad,

You suck. I hate you will all of my heart. I don't know why mom got with you. I don't know if you used to be decent, or if you were always a piece of shit. You've made my life hell. Ever since mom died, you haven't told me you loved me. And even worse, you haven't acted like it. You blame me for moms death. Honestly, if we're playing the blame game than I say it's your fault. You were so busy arguing with her, you didn't bother to think about saving it for later. Since I'm dead, I guess you're not a dad anymore. Good. You don't deserve to be one.

Kayla,

You were a great friend. I've known you for a very short amount of time. You're gorgeous and while I may not know your story, I do know that you deserve to live. You are strong and brave, and do not need to feel bad for my death. It was my decision, and nothing you did affected it. You made my life better. I'm glad you were part of my last days. I love you. Thanks for not hating me.

James and Jackson,

I don't really know what to say to you guys. None of this is technically your fault. I just thought since you know Marcus and I know you, I'd mention you. Thanks for letting me drown my sorrows with alcohol in your basement. I guess you guys are cool. No hard feelings, alright? Peace.

The blue eyed bitch at school,

I don't know what to say to you. You seem to have this idea in your head that Marcus is yours. I don't know if there is a law against emotional delusions, but I honestly feel sorry for you. When I was 13, I swore up and down that Justin Bieber was my boyfriend. I know how it feels. But anyways, you're gorgeous and I'm sure you'll find someone that you can rightfully threaten people over.

Noah,

Ugh. I hate to say it, but you contributed to my last moments in ways that might have been annoying, but helpful. Without you, those days without Marcus at school would've been hell. Also, I've always gotten the vibe that you were a softy. I kind of always felt like if I needed someone besides Marcus, you'd listen. And all I really need is someone to listen. So thanks.

To everyone at school,

Most of you hate me. I understand that. I hate me too. I'm not smart, beautiful, popular, thick, or any of the other things that makes society happy. It's normal for teens to judge girls. It might not make it okay, but you're teens. It's what you do. It's not good that it's normal, but it is. I'm sure you all have things going on at home. You guys are okay. All is forgiven. No grudges. K?

To my middle school bullies,

Uhm. You were kind of mean. Hopefully you got nicer as you got older. If not, please fix something. Bullying can be as bad as attempted murder, because both things could result in a death. So many people kill them selves each day because of bullies. Please, just consider others feelings before you speak.

Belle,

I almost forgot you. I understand why you left my dad, he sucks. But I don't understand why you ever got with him. He's ugly, jobless, and rude. While I may not think you have good type, I do think you should stop focusing on relationships with old men, and focus on school. I know you're smart and sophisticated and you should use that to your advantage.

And lastly,

To Marcus,

Marcus. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You shaped my life in ways that no other person ever has or will. You might feel bad right now because of that time where you..well, weren't the nicest. But it's okay. Don't feel bad. You've done only good things towards my life. That one bad time, doesn't matter to me. It's forgotten. I love you so much. You're way sweeter than you let up. Never give up. Take your own advice, never stop breathing, and laughing. Also, find a girl who makes you happy. Once you find her, never let her go. I love you. And I'm sorry.

I am doing this because I'm tired of breathing. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of waking up every morning, and regretting every decision I make. I'm tired of my dad abusing me. I'm tired of feeling at fault for my moms death. I'm tired of hiding my scars. I'm tired of my scars. I'm tired of being bullied at school. I'm tired of people speaking bad about me. I'm tired of being shoved against the lockers. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of the world today. This generation sucks ass. We need to be better. Suicide rates are up. We need to bring them back down. Just be nice. If you're not nice, you'll never know if you'll be the cause of someone's death, and another's loss.

And lastly, I'm sorry.

If you've ever hurt me, you are forgiven. Even you, dad. Because when I die, I want to die without grudges.

So even now, I promise to release myself of all grudges I hold against myself, the minute I take my last breath.

Thanks for reading.

Goodbye.