《Abstract Theories》Chapter 12- elusive losses
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Once you unveil someone's true colours, it is best to accept the reality of them and not try to repaint them with colours of your own liking because that won't change who they are. Sanari was far from repainting Haani Fateen's reality.
Ella and Marcus seemed beyond shocked over the relevance. At once he understood why Haani married her. He understood his reasons. He understood the bitter reality that he used her. He understood that marriage with Sanari wasn't a genuine commitment but a business deal. He married her only for his own reasons. And for the first time, he felt disgusted with him.
Recollecting herself, tears of defeat started streaming down her face. She raised her head and looked at him with a look that spoke nothing but betrayal. "You knew it didn't you?" She accused him of a broken heart. Marcus seemed defenceless, yes, he knew Haani was playing at something but he didn't know he was exploiting her beyond disgrace. Somewhere he felt being part of his vile schemes. He felt guilty for hoping and believing Haani would move on and fall in love again.
Instantly her defeat ignited her and she stood up in pure fury, "you knew it all. You knew he was playing me, he was using me. This marriage was nothing more than a business deal to him, he gets what he wants, he gets under my skin, see me bare and when he's done, he hands me a bundle of money and trashes me. That's what he was doing all along. I was so stupid to believe he was different, YOU were different. You're all the same. You're all the same selfish and self-obsessed with your own desires and nothing beyond that matters to you. Neither someone's dignity or modesty or respect nor emotions, nothing..." she shook her head in tears and pain.
Ella tried to calm her down but she pushed away from her hand, "what did you get from this? Tell me?" She asked with a voice laced with defeat misery.
"I didn't know he was playing you. I didn't know this marriage was a proposition. I thought he was trying to move on." Marcus spoke of his innocence, leaving out the fact that he knew he was planning on leaving her.
"But you knew he loves someone else. You knew he is with someone else yet you didn't tell me. Is that fair? Is it fair to me or even to her? Does she know even?" With that question, Sanari understood why Haani didn't want their marriage to come out in the open.
"No!" Was his curt and hurting reply. "She can never know."
"Then I'll tell her." Sanari almost snarled.
Shaking his head he looked at Ella and then her, "if he was with her Sanari, he wouldn't have been with you and that's what stopped me from telling you."
"What kind of a person are you? How can he do this to her, to me?"
Marcus cared about her but atop of that, he cared about Haani. No matter what he had done or how disgusted Marcus felt with him, he was still that one person who stood by him in time of need. Marcus had seen him suffer too, he had seen him break and he acknowledged his doings unfair but he couldn't hear Sanari accuse him of something out of nature. "He couldn't do this to her is why he's been holding back from falling in love with you but the idiot doesn't realise he's already in love with you. " His voice rose. Ella took his hand to calm him down. Sanari stared at him with wide eyes. Marcus muttered something to Ella and she closed her eyes in pain. She turned towards Sanari and tried to settle her down.
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"I know what Haani has done to you is wrong in every sense of the world but neither of us know his intentions, do we? To understand the nature of his doings you have to understand him first. To question his feelings and love, you have to acknowledge the fact that he's a complicated man, Sanari." Sanari turned her head away from her since nothing she said explained Haani's cruelty.
"I've known Haani for years." Marcus spoke, "we've been friends for a very long time and I do see how inhuman he's turned towards you by exploiting you like this but I also knows he's a lot more than what he lets on about himself. When I met you Sanari, I saw hope for him to let go of his past, let go of his pain, let go of her. I didn't realise it would be this hard for him to accept his feelings towards you. To give himself a chance at love again." Sanari stayed silent in her pain.
"He doesn't love me." She closed her eyes.
"That's what he's been telling himself as well and yet each time he goes out of his ways to protect you, care about you and make you feel safe. Doesn't he?" Deep down she knew he was right but refused to answer him.
"You deserve to know his side of the story before judging him and I'm sorry for not telling you earlier for it wasn't my story to tell but times have changed now.
Yes, he had been in love before. During college Kara and Haani were inseparable, they were both unconditionally in love with each other. Like a man who madly loves and nothing matters more or less, Haani was that kind of irrevocably in love with her. After an age spent in a foster home, the slightest crescent of love he got, made him willingly ready to give much more in return and he did. He invested all of his heart and maybe that's what got him heartbroken the most. Long story short, Kara's father was toxic alcoholic, abusing her all the time. Haani got to know but was silenced by her, no one knows why she protected him so much despite of the every day suffering he made her go through. Humans are sometimes complicated to undersrand. Things went too far with her father and one day Haani found her in a pool of blood in her backyard. She had hit her head with the cemented pavement when he had hit her during his drunk session once again and she went into a coma from losing too much blood. Haani stayed by her bedside for three months, crying, begging, praying but nothing helped save her. He lost her, forever. "
He took a long breath, "even after years, he doesn't seem to have grown out of the trauma of losing her, he didn't let her go. When I heard he's marrying you I was suspicious no doubt but when I saw you Sanari, I saw hope for him to come back towards life, find love again, live again because that night he didn't just lose her. With her he also lost his faith in love, in life, in God. He stopped believing, he stopped living." He looked at her genuinely.
Everything made sense to Sanari, everything Laila had said, Marcus had told her, each fact defined who Haani was. But what didn't get explained was the reality of her in his life. Nothing explained what he had done to her. Nothing explained his heartless vile doings. Nothing explained the betrayal.
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"men are enslaved to their desires." Behlul's words repeated in her head. She was Haani Fateen's desires, his inspiration and he played a nasty game to get what he wanted. That explained it. She didn't feel sorry for him, she felt sorry for herself.
"I can't stay here anymore." She announced in a broken voice. Both Marcus and Ella knew nothing her decision was stern and none of them could change it. He looked at his wife nervously. At the moment keeping Sanari safe from attempting anything reckless seemed more important than to think how Haani will react if he doesn't find his wife anymore.
"Come with us." Ella offered her with genuine generosity. Sanari just shook her head in despair. "I can't stay around him anymore, it will kill me." She was near crying her heart out again.
"You won't be around him. We'll organise your stay with us in England till things settle down with you and you're in a much good state to take better decisions." Sanari wanted more assuring than mere words. Now that her trust got punctured all over again, she was in damaged pieces and trusting someone again was the last thing she wanted to do. "He won't get to you without your consent, I promise." With that Ella sealed close yet another proportion. It seemed like that was all that was left of Sanari's life.
~~~~~
Haani turned the magazine from page to page and read out all the critics under his name, mentioned on the front tabloids. A smile of self-satisfaction preyed his lips. There was a glint in his eyes, a glimmer of success, of triumph, of achievement. Within one week his exhibition peeked the charts. His art was talk of the town literally and empirically but winning doesn't come out of fate, it comes out of hardworking. Haani Fateen believed that any dream could be chased as long as one stayed determined. He chased his inspiration, he gave in much of his efforts and many other things that weren't good in words but in the end, he did get what he wanted.
He hadn't called her for two weeks. Not because the thought of her didn't cross his mind but because the thought of her didn't leave his mind. It infuriated him, made him guilty. Every time he neared her, he felt as if he was betraying Kara's memories. Every time he saw her smile, watched her laugh, watched her love him, it scared him. He was scared of forgetting Kara, he didn't want to forget her, he didn't want to lose the last that was left of her, their memories. He didn't want to replace her with Sanari.
"Mr Fateen, everything is ready, they're waiting for you." His secretary interrupted the line of his ambushed thoughts. With a no,d he got up and walked out of the cubicle towards the front. The bright camera flashes blinded his vision for a minute or two but soon he adjusted his eyes to the light and the crowd of too many media reporters. He seated himself and folded his hands neatly over the table. With a greeting he prepared himself to be bombarded with questions that were meant to root up his soul existence after all that's what the media does.
The train of questions started and he calmly answered each one of them.
"Your painting seems to catch an eye as your recent exhibition is topping all charts. Mr Fateen, tell us about the mystery woman in your paintings, who is she?" A female reporter asked charmingly.
"An inspiration." He curtly answered which wasn't exactly a lie.
"Is she real?" Another reported asked.
"She's very much real." He smiled.
The questions about the mystery woman continued and Haani skillfully dodged each one of them, letting out little to least information about her. He may have shared his paintings, his imaginations, his inspiration with the world but he certainly didn't seem ready to share her with them.
"Is the woman in your paintings your love interest? Mr Fateen you've been spotted with many models on different occasions but we know nothing of your love life. If you are already off the bachelor list, the media deserves to know about it because after all you're one of the most eligible men in town and all the ladies admire you. " A young girl with glasses asked, she didn't seem to catch much on how Haani Fateen never let any media reporter cross the invisible line and get at his personal life.
"That is something for me to know only. The media might keep tabs on my business affairs and art but I do not give them permission to interfere with my personal life. I might be a celebrity to you but I'm also very much human and like any human, I do prefer my privacy." He eyed her sternly.
The young and unexperienced girl didn't cease at it, "rumour has it, you're secretly married. Is it true Mr Fateen?" The question took him off guard. He had been very careful with Sanari and didn't know how media got that kind of information about him.
"It's a rumour, what do you expect?" Haani wasn't used to lying so he used diplomacy. The girl seemed to have understood by now that he wasn't going to let out much and so she took back her seat.
Haani finished the conference with a sour mood. His mind went back to Sanari. Marcus had told him, due to something urgent he had to fly back to England leaving Sanari on her own. Haani trusted his employees but the thought of Sanari being on her own bugged him. With that, he realised the seriousness of his situation. How would he possibly be able to let her go? But if he didn't let her go, he'd lose Kara and that's something he couldn't agree with. Closing his eyes to the inner battle, he let out a tired sigh.
~~~~
Sanari switched off the television in pure rage. She had watched Haani Fateen's entire interview and felt nothing but angered and infuriated. So skillfully he had dodged every question asked about her. This was the time when she literally hated his guts. How could some just hide the reality of having a very living wife? Haani Fateen was beyond her understanding. It seemed like the person she had spent months with was nothing but an imposter, a delusion that had ended.
She watched Susan play with her toys silently. Sanari felt sick with nausea. Ella had settled her in an apartment. Each day she would leave Susan at hers because her nanny had quit the job and Sanari seemed the best option for the time being. Sanari felt vaguely content with the couple's generosity and would willingly look after their baby. Though at the back of her head she was keen to get her emotions stable, settle down and fall into a normal routine. She had to tell Annum as well and the thought scared her because all along her instincts had been right about Haani. Sanari also had to find a job, she could live off of Ella and Marcus's generosity.
The doorbell interrupted her void. She opened the door to let in a gleamy Ella. She walked and picked Susan in a big hug, "gosh I missed you." The charm of the moment made Sanari envious.
"I need a few things, would you mind accompanying me to shopping?" Ella asked her as she munched on the potato sticks Sanari offered her.
"Sure." She answered.
It took them a few hours to pick groceries and other important equipment for their home. Everything seemed so out of order because they weren't home for more than a week. Double-checking all the items in the trolly, Sanari took Susan from Ella to let her pay for the things. They both patiently waited in the row.
"Woah!" She heard a boyish voice from beside her. "Ma'am, can you turn around for a moment?" He asked her with excitement. Confusedly Sanari turned to face him. On seeing her turn around, he raised the magazine he was holding and brought it to her face level. He flickered his eyes between the magazine's front cover to her face. "Holy moly, is this you?" He retracted his hand and pointed at the magazine from the page. Confounded, Sanari followed where he was tapping his finger and saw three of Haani Fateen's painting imprinted on the first page. She was displayed on the front page for the world to see. Sanari stood there astounded with words going dry in her mouth.
"No, that's not her," Ella interjected after seeing the whole scenario.
"But the resemblance is pitch-perfect." The teenage boy didn't seem to buy her lie.
"It's resemblance after all." Ella tried to emphasise.
"Well can I take a picture of you?" Leaking out her picture on social media would earn him so much. The mystery woman infamous artist Haani Fateen's paintings are very much in flesh and bones. The boy's train of thoughts started but was curtly interrupted by Ella's stern 'No'.
She turned towards the cashier, paid for her stuff. She packed her things and pulled Sanari by the arm, leaving behind a pleading teenager.
On reaching Sanari's apartment that was a block away from their home, she placed her things on her living area table. She called Marcus and informed him about the day's happenings. Sanari sat silently on the sofa and watched the tv news.
"Sanari listen?" Ella tried to grab her attention.
"I know I can't leave the house anymore, I'm recognizable now." She spoke loud her unspoken words.
"I'm sorry, we'll think of something soon." Sanari nodded silently.
"I need a job but with his paintings out, everyone out there will probably recognizer me and I'll become the talk of the media. I don't know anymore Ella."
"Why do you need a job? Don't you feel comfortable here?" She asked with concern lasing her voice.
"I can't forever stay here for free. I need a job to pay for my necessities. I can't depend on someone." Rare are people with dignity and self-respect and it's admirable but once you meet them you realise their verdict on liberty is too strong. They don't let themselves depend on anyone and neither do they appreciate favours. They'll give you a lot but ask for nothing in return. Ella knew Sanari was one of those people.
"Well then work for me, I'll pay you." She offered.
"What kind of work?" She asked.
"As a nanny, babysitting Susan because I'm desperately in need of one and no one can be better than you. It's not the kind where I leave Susan at yours no, it's a full-time job, an actual job. Whenever I need you to the babysitter, you have to do it. So, basically, you're on a job 24/7." Sanari seemed to deeply think over it. "Okay." She agreed a moment later.
Marcus came to pick up his wife and daughter and give Sanari some company of comfort. They ate dinner while inconsistent conversations. He tried to take her mind off of Haani and so far things were going well. Though he couldn't keep things well for long as soon Haani was going to find out. Marcus phone rang and the conversation died. "Excuse me-" he slides his finger across the green icon, not bothering to see who was calling.
"Where's she?" Haani almost growled in a deadly pitch from the other side. Everyone on the table heard his voice and Sanari attentively turned her head to Marcus.
"Who?" He calmly replied.
"Marcus don't play games with me, tell me where Sanari is?" His anger had taken over.
"I don't know man, what are you talking about even? I told you I'm going back to England for an important conference over the release of my new book. It's been days that I'm here. Sanari will be at the villa of course." He calmly tried to talk him through it.
"She is not here. I waited for a day thinking she might have gone somewhere and will return but it's been two days and there's no darn sign of her. Where the hell is she?" He spoke with clenched teeth.
"Look Haani, I told you that I don't know. If you don't believe me, you can even ask Ella." With that, he heard him take a deep breath.
"I don't know, I'm going crazy. I don't know where to look for her." He noticed the truth in his voice. Grasping a good opportunity he tried to ask him, "Haani have you done anything to upset her?"
"I'd do nothing to upset her. I can't see her being upset." Emotions were taking hold of him but soon he realised otherwise to his doings, "I don't know, have I?" He asked with uncertainty.
"You're paintings are all over the place. You did ask her permission on it right?" Marcus looked at Sanari and she looked back without blinking.
"This is between her and me, and I'll find her. She can't just walk out on me, she's my wife." HHe'sgot all brittle, "if you know anything about where she is Marcus, I need to know." He almost warned him.
"I don't know Haani, anything about where she is. I'll make a few calls for you. We'll find her. Maybe she's just out for a while and will comes back." He proposed to him.
"Yeah, okay." With that, he cut the phone. Marcus heard Sanari let out a breath she was holding. His phone call with Haani made her trust him.
~~~~
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