I woke with a start. My pillow felt cold and wet. I sat up and felt my red puffy eyes and glanced over at the empty space there, remembering what had occured a few days ago when I returned from the hospital.

I waved goodbye to Liam, who had come to pick me up, and turned to face my flat. I opened the door to find on the couch. He turned to face me but I couldn't meet his eyes.

"Babe, look-" He started to say before I cut him off.

"No, YOU look!" I yelled, anger coming out of nowhere, "I refuse to take life of one who hasn't even had the chance to live! ESPECIALLY OUR CHILD YOU BASTARD!" I began to lose my fighting spirit as hot tears stung my eyes. I remebered what I had said at the hospital but right then I took it back, "I need you now more than ever. I can't do this alone." I whispered through the sobs wracking my body. "until you can realise that just leave me alone." Before he could respond I trudged upstairs to mine and Harry's room and locked the door.

The memory hurt like an open wound. I haven't spoken to Harry in the last three days. He's been sleeping on the couch while I've been crying myself to sleep. All I seem to do is cry anymore but I think half of it is hormones. I padded over to the bathroom to freshen up. Once I stepped out of the steamy shower I glanced at myself in the mirror. It looked like I've gained a little weight but nothing really noticible. After I slipped on a white shirt and a jumper, I scanned my closet. I pulled out a pair of black skinny jeans.

"Might as well wear them while I still can," I mumbled to myself. I checked my calendar on my phone once I pulled on my trousers, "Oh, I almost forgot" My doctor's appointment was half an hour. I sighed as I grabbed my shoes and keys.

I came downstairs to see Harry on the couch still looking at something with an unreadable expression on his face. He heard me and shoved whatever it was behind a pillow. I didn't care enough to investigate, so I made my way to the door but quickly spun on my heel to face him. "Oh and Harry," He jumped. Like I said, we hadn't spoken in days. "I'm headed to the doctor to confirm that I want to do this and there is nothing you can do to stop me." I looked at him stubbornly but he just looked away, his hair shielding his face. I continued to stare at him more curiously now, but I don't have time. I swear he just mumbled something though. I pulled open the door and was on my way.

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The night at the hospital was absolutley dreadful. I feel so terrible. Why did I say those things? Zayn's last words to me echoed in my head quite frequently

"until you can realise that just leave me alone."

Leave me alone..

When Zayn uttered those words I felt like the lowest of low. I remeber just before he ran upstairs

Zayn was full on bawling all beacuse of me. I only half heard what he said beacuse after he shut me up, I was drowning in my own thoughts and guilt.

''ESPECIALLY OUR CHILD YOU BASTARD!" He yelled.

I was back in reality agreeing with Zayn. I am a bastard.

"I need you now more than ever. I can't do this alone. Until you can realise that just leave me alone."

I felt like complete shit. I watched Zayn's retreating body make its way upstairs. A shiny, white square of paper slipped from its pocket but he didn't notice. I pushed myself off the couch and scooped up the slightly crinkled paper that had landed facedown on the second step. I plopped back down and smoothed it out on my thigh. I turned over the paper and my eyes widened. I studied every inch of it and brushed a thumb gently across the surface. That night I slept on the couch, the priceless picture pressed to my chest.

And that's what I was studing this morning when I heard Zayn coming. I quickly stuffed the paper under a pillow, but I'm pretty sure he saw me. He didn't press though. Suddenly he turned to me.

"I'm headed to the doctor to confirm that I want to do this and there is nothing you can do to stop me."

I looked away from him feeling yet another wave of shame wash over me. As he walked out I mumbled, "I won't" But he didn't hear me. I pulled out the paper again and touched the little white spot on it with my thumb. I then read the name in the corner: Zayn Malik. Right then and there I knew I should be there at the hospital. I shot off the couch to take a quick shower. I was in such a hurry I was almost out the door without my pants on!

***

I park my car and jog into the Hospital. I finally reach the lady at the front desk. "My boyfriend, Zayn Malik, is here for an appointment. Do you know where he's at?"

The lady typed some things into the computer, "aha! Room 207. It's that way" She pointed to a hallway to her left.

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"So you're going to go ahead with this pregnancy?"

"Yes" I thought about Harry and his face when I said I ws doing this.

"Male pregnancy is highly uncommon but not unheard of. I promise that we will do to the best to our ability to ensure the saftey on you and your baby but that will require a little extra work"

"Like how?"

"Well we'll need to give you female hormone medication to ensure that the baby will survive." He scribbled somthing down on his paper. "Two tablets a day. One in the morning, one at night. Got it?"

"Yeah" I groaned. I don't want female hormones in my body. I'm a man! Pregnant, but still a man. It's weird.

"Everything else should be like a typical pregnancy as of now, so I'll bring you some pamphlets along with the ultrasound machine."

****

I pulled up my shirt to reveal my pudgy tummy.

"Don't forget, cold gel" Dr. Adams warned

"Couldn't forge- that's colder than last time whoa!"

Dr. Adams just chuckled. I flipped through the phamplets while Dr. Adams searched for the baby. I was reading a litttle bit from the 'Baby & Me: newborns' phamplet.

"There you are." said a triumphant Dr. Adams

I looked up from the phamplet to see the white blob that would turn in a baby on the screen. I smiled, falling in love with it all over again.

"Wanna hear something cool?" Said Dr. Adams. He reached over and flipped a switch.

There was a thudding sound. Nice an even. Smooth and rhythmic. And I laughed, smiled, and cried all at once. I just watched the screen for a while until someone knocked. Dr. Adams was in my way so I couldn't see who was coming to visit us. I wonder who it is...

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