I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life when I went off to college for the first time. I had been preparing to go to college my whole life in one way or another. That's all I knew – that for me, success would come only after college. My father went to college and got a degree in engineering then he went to graduate school.

I decided on engineering because even when I was so shy, I could still excel in class as far back as I can remember. It was math and science where that was most evident. It seemed easiest for a shy boy to succeed in these areas. I didn't have to explain my answers. There was no subjectivity. I just had to come up with THE answer – often a number. If it was right, I would move on.

That picture of life was dull and cold. My father had told me that childhood was the best time of our lives which made life seem rather frightening. The only hope of pleasure or enjoyment came from material success, money, savings, and assets.

I would later find out that this was not true and in fact, the best times of my life were NOT when I was growing up.

How to build lasting connections of my own, a family, a meaningful life, I figured I would find out somehow, on my own.

Looking back, I can say these things. I was lost in many ways though. Torn in different directions. What passed as guidance was more akin to the indoctrination of fears about how things could go wrong if I didn't prepare and plan for the future.

The ideas about what might make me happy were the farthest thing from my mind. Individual thinking had never been encouraged growing up. Having a different point of view would be misunderstood by our parents. It might come across as a challenge to their values even if that was not your intention.

I would discover that you could value both individual differences, interests, and preferences and you can place a high value on relationships.

I also knew that engineering was going to be very challenging but that was consistent with the overall theme of how I viewed life in general.

We didn't have guidance counselors in high school that helped us carefully plan our future based on the best career choices for each student. I had not been exposed to psychology at all before I went off to college. This is relevant when you consider what would end up being the right career for me. The very practical tools of psychology can help people deal with life's challenges and problems. But I'm getting ahead of my story.

I was the oldest sibling and the best in school. Academic accomplishments are not everything but so far in our family, it had seemed like the only measure that existed for us.

We showed up in Atlanta, Georgia where the Georgia Institute of Technology, aka Georgia Tech, is located, on a hot day in August of 1984, just over two months after my high school graduation. I had graduated 13 out of 565 at Southington High School in Southington, Connecticut.

Parents are invited to join the students for orientation. We all arrived sometime shortly before classes would begin for the fall quarter - yes, we had quarters instead of semesters like some schools have (semesters occur 3 per year and quarters are 4 per year).

The south overall is much less populated than the north but Georgia Tech is situated nearly in the center of the city of Atlanta, GA. I had grown up in a town that had a population of roughly 30,000 and now I was in a city with a metropolitan population of about 5 million. To call this a culture shock would be an understatement.

I felt a mixture of pride and fear as we turn into the campus. Dad was driving.

We were looking for the Student Center. The first things we saw were some athletic fields and the Basketball stadium. Then we came across the fraternity houses - I just knew that was what we were seeing. They all had three Greek letters on the outside.

There were a few sororities too, but I know that males outnumber females by a ratio of more than two to one at engineering schools. That's okay, I was too shy to date, and that was not what scared me. I didn't think.

Maybe I would get to know some girls. Maybe college would be different.

"Check that out," I said, "it says 'I Hate Georgia.'"

"That's their rival," said Dad.

"Oh, well, it is sure weird to see when we just drove one thousand miles to get here. I was hoping to see something different."

I knew that all of us were the best of the best in high schools across the country until we got here at Georgia Tech.

I noticed how Georgia Tech fits into downtown Atlanta like a small hidden or forbidden community within a larger city that was filled with traffic, skyscrapers, and a huge metropolitan area.

Yep, this was going to be a very new experience for me.

Orientation and Rush Week

For "orientation" they separated the parents from the new kids, the incoming freshmen, for the most part. I'm not sure what the thinking was on that. The parents were about to leave and go back home. I was thinking that having parents attend "orientation" was pointless – they would be going back home soon.

I could feel how different this was from what I had known in life – It was unfamiliar. Don't get me wrong, growing up there were not many rules during high school. I can't think of a rule come to think of it. I didn't have a curfew. I just had to be home for dinner.

Now, I would be completely on my own. I was about to discover how great that would be.

During orientation, there were daily activities (forced activities) like the first day we went rafting on the Chattahoochee River, and I suppose the goal was to help us to start to connect to others. You don't have to travel far to get out of the city with the skyscrapers and find yourself in the country where you could go rafting. That's where I really felt like a misfit. I tried so hard to connect. It seemed like the others were talking to each other and connecting but I could never think of anything to say – to anyone at any time. That left me with a constant feeling of being "different."

I was thinking that if I appear different then it would become increasingly more difficult to connect because I imagined there would be more time for people to notice that I was different. I wasn't scared or nervous, but nothing was coming to mind to say. I felt a sense of urgency to speak – to seem "normal."

I wanted to make connections and make friends in this new environment. That meant I wanted to appear to be "normal" and just like everyone else. So, I felt an urgency to connect right away.

I didn't want much time to pass where people might start thinking something like "what's wrong with that guy, he doesn't speak to anyone, he has nothing to say."

As part of this "orientation", both parents and the incoming students were told a truth that everyone needed to understand - not everyone who gets admitted to Georgia Tech is going to graduate.

We were told to look at the person to our left then the person to our right. "One of you will graduate!" You didn't have to spell it out. Two out of three of us would flunk out.

Hearing this I didn't feel any different. I felt like the weight of this challenge had been there in the back of my mind for some time. I felt a bit frightened, but it was about something more than the classes. I could not imagine what the classes would be like yet. I would learn that fear is just a label.

This wasn't high school. I didn't want to be an outsider. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to connect. During these "forced activities," everything seemed so much easier for everyone else. So often my thoughts were preoccupied with the fact that I couldn't find anything to say. You get a chance to reflect upon these things when you are otherwise engaged.

I wondered if there is a way to get help for my problems. It was then that I realized something powerful and important. I was in control of things going forward! I could make things different for me! I was free.

I thought about how hard this would be to explain to someone else when I found someone to listen to me. In so many ways our parents gave us freedom through their lack of interest in what we were doing. We just had to be there for dinner and to do our chores. The latter was a joke because, in all matters, nothing was ever good enough.

Money was how they controlled us. Why had this not been clear to me earlier? I realized that while they were paying for this education, they wouldn't be nearby to judge, criticize, or approve of anything.

Growing up, if I thought I could use help dealing with my shyness, that would be used to belittle or criticize me for having problems. Then they might remind me how special they are for whatever they did to help me deal with these problems.

They were paying for my education, including tuition, books, housing and etc. However, they were not going to be present. I wouldn't have to explain anything to them!

Ah, the freedom felt slightly soothing.

I couldn't share with my mother and father the shame that I had been feeling because of my shyness. I had learned to avoid giving them reasons to criticize me. Part of me had increasingly, for years, been uninterested in their advice or approval. I suppose I wanted approval. It was frustrating that I wasn't hearing about how proud they were of me but my expectations were low by that time in life.

Part of me had increasingly, for years, been uninterested in their advice or approval. I suppose I wanted approval. It was frustrating that I wasn't hearing about how proud they were of me but my expectations were low by that time in life.

I didn't know what the experience was like for Mom and Dad, they didn't convey much of what they experienced. They said their goodbyes and good luck.

Now, during orientation, making friends, connecting seemed like a matter of survival.

I had a sense that failure academically, here at Georgia Tech, for me meant failure in life.

Evening fell hard each day with the weight of my isolation echoing through my mind. Everyone else was doing something. If anyone saw me all alone pacing the halls of the dorm, what would they think?

Growing up I had some friends and neighbors and felt somewhat comfortable with them. I had my cousins and my aunt.

Now I had to make connections.

On the second day after arrival, I was feeling an overwhelming need to do something. It felt like more than one day had passed and the weight of isolation had been so heavy. I couldn't face another night pacing the halls. Walking past the vending machines... the TV room. It was so quiet, and I felt so alone and scared.

Now, that night, we were having a barbeque with hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill. I had to try to socialize.

I noticed this guy who seemed approachable. There was only the two of them. I could handle that. Just move close and act calm.

I felt awkward and hoped it didn't show. They were talking about going to fraternity parties.

"Do you mind if join you?" I asked. Good job, I thought. I was direct and I confronted my fear of rejection.

Before long, we were walking off to a few of the frat houses. We stopped at a couple of frat houses that night, and then the next night we did the same thing, ending up at Zeta Beta Tau (ZBT) fraternity.

This was Rush week when the fraternities recruit new members – new pledges.

I felt different here at ZBT. When we visited any frat house, they all tried to make us feel special, but I just liked this place. The guys that I came with had been socializing with different people at the house. I couldn't dance and did my best to avoid the big room where they did that. I would move about with surprising ease.

They did "love bombing." That's the word for it. I knew they were making us feel special and yet it was helpful.

I met one person after another who sold me on what we needed to do. Johnny was really friendly and relatable. Danny was cool in an unusual way. Stew was the cook and he looked, well, always like he was high. How the heck could he do that and be a Chemical engineer?

I had the idea that this is what I should do. I needed to make friends and a connection and nothing like this had happened to me in such a short period of time.

Every once in a while, they would ring a bell and cheer when someone declares their intent to pledge the fraternity.

It took so much effort for me to find the courage to tell someone that I would pledge. I was so dreading the event when I would be the center of attention. I realized that this wouldn't last for long before they move on to the next person. Still, I had NEVER made myself the center of attention.

Well, I had to get this over with, right? I put my mind to it and went with the flow. I told this guy named Pat who was standing next to Stew and they cheered and rang the bell. I knew that I didn't want this so I had to force myself to do it knowing that if I thought about it, I wouldn't do it.

It was amazing how fast things change. The moment when they are cheering and focused on me lasted only a few moments and then it was over.

After Rush Week

Things changed after "Rush" and classes were getting started. Suddenly, you have been transformed from the person who was treated like they are so special to being treated like a lowly pledge. I don't mean they did anything bad. It's just that the dynamics changed. As a pledge, there are things you have to do. This will culminate in a final "initiation" when we finally become members of the fraternity.

We were given a pledge paddle early and you are required to wear a suit or jacket and tie to classes for part of the period. You are expected to show up at the frat house every day and kneel down holding your paddle up to ask for permission to enter in a ritualistic fashion. It was out in the open, so it wasn't hazing or anything nefarious. It just felt embarrassing.

I didn't want to be the center of attention anywhere. So, I would dress normally for classes, not bring my paddle to classes like everyone else but I would get it at the end of the day when I was expected to show up at the frat house. I would be sneaky and break the "rules" or "expectations" about what we were supposed to do when I was going to class or otherwise on campus. I couldn't imagine any punishment if I was caught.

Growing up, the only rules or expectations had to do with the needs or desires of our parents.

We did all our studying and homework at the frat house unless we had to do something on the mainframe computer stations, or if there were reasons to be elsewhere for study groups or lab work.

Toward the end of the quarter, we had "initiation" where we would become full members of the fraternity. The fraternity made this somewhat mysterious, and we had assignments to complete in groups. It was actually good for team building and connecting as a group together.

You might have seen some movie that tries to depict a fraternity initiation. Take an oldie like "Animal House" where the pledges bend over and are hit with a paddle and they answer, "thank you, sir, may I have another." Nothing like that happened. We learned a "secret handshake."

Some might call my book a tell-all book – that term is popular these days. While I am not going to be evasive in this book about embarrassing or emotional matters, that doesn't mean I am going to tell you everything, dear reader. I am fine with keeping "innocent" secrets about matters that are unimportant to my story and that include details about the initiation.

So, that was my first quarter at Georgia Tech. The first few months of my "adult" life on my own.