That kiss.

His hold on my waist as his lips moved with me...his arms bringing me close to his body...it all replayed over and over again as I sat with my orbs wide open at the window ahead of me.

The alarm ticks growing goosebumps on my skin...my body trembling under the sheets.

I wasn't even sure whether I was asleep or not. Was it a dream? Am I really awake thinking about all of this right now? Two in the morning with my crush's kiss playing over and over again inside my head?

I had been awaiting tonight for a very long time, and it all came crashing down.

I didn't know what was wrong with me...did I not want that kiss? Was it that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't a very great kisser?

I had accepted the fact that my kiss with Dr. Lynch was nothing but a way to train my "virgin lips", but I can never forget his lips on mine.

Ross' kiss was magical...I didn't know if it was the fact that he was a 24 year old man or if it was just his perfectly kissable lips...

My expectationsgrewway too high after my kiss with Ross that Jackson's lips on mine felt ordinary.

Comparing my therapist's kiss to my boyfriend's kiss was like comparing diamonds to rocks.

It wasn't the way Jackson's lips were, no...I knew Jackson was a really great kisser. But the feelings erupting from Ross were lavas exiting a volcano, fire igniting from a shooting star, thunder roaring and lightning spreading through the sky, heavy rain in a dessert.

Jackson's emotions were nothing but a breeze of warm air. Nothing more, nothing less.

I didn't feel secure with him, I felt shy and overwhelmed I'd do any mistakes or cause him trouble.

My lips went numb when he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes..as if my mind wasn't even relying on my heart anymore and I immediately blurred out a yes.

I was supposed to be happy, to call Ross and tell him about all of this, but all I felt was afraid, cold and in pain.

Pain....pain was all I felt as my eyes tear independently on my pillow. I felt lost on why exactly I was crying, all I knew was that I needed help. I needed somebody right now. Anybody.

I was oppressed over myself, crying over my state.

Having the same old words repeat inside my consciousness again.

All it said was that I was a mistake.

All my mind did was quickly shift problems in a matter of seconds...

I was a mistake brought into this life. Even my own mother didn't want me, I shouldn't expect anybody else to do so.

Neither Dr. Lynch, nor Jackson. Even my father..I was nothing but a heavy weight on top his head.

My mouth let out a sob as I tightened my hold on the duvet, squeezing my eyes shut.

I didn't want to open my eyes again. I wanted my orbs shut forever. I wanted my soul out of my body...but I also wanted to face my own problems and it was way too hard.

I opened my tearing eyes regretting my existence as I sighted the figure in front of me.

I saw her. I saw the woman whom gave birth to me but never accepted me as a daughter.

It was too clear, almost her real figure.

With every ounce of hatred I had in me, I screamed at her. I screamed too loud as my eyes never stopped shedding tears. I screamed my breath out with hatred and oppression, caught my dying lungs as she looked at me as if nothing at all was happening. I hated her. I hated her way too much, and I don't think I could ever hate a living creature any more. My mouth never stopped screaming. My body never stopped shaking. My eyes never stopped tearing and my mind's hallucinations were too strong and real.

I was screaming my soul out of my body, crying my scars out of my heart.

And I only calmed down when I forced my blood dripping eyes shut, when I could no longer see my hallucinations.

My screams completely stopped and the sobs started to rise. That night, my heart was sore..my feelings were vulnerable and my tears were the only thing to accompany me to sleep.

***************************

I closed my locker to stare at the sight in front of me. Right across the glass door that lead to the field stood Tanya and Ted. They weren't making out...they were fighting.

I was the only one available in the corridor, since I had just finished meeting up with my biology teacher after the eighth period to hand out the homework since I arrived late to school today and missed my first period.

Last night was just too long to wake up early.

Even though they we're the main reason I hated this school, I couldn't help but worry about them. I for sure didn't know what their lives were, but I saw everyday how much they cared about each other- and only each other.

Ted barged through the door inside the school, looking at me with such hurt and sadness in his eyes before pointing a finger at me. "Thank your boyfriend for ruining my best relationship."

I stood in shock, seeing my bully tear over his collapsing relationship, blaming his teammate and scurrying out of the school again after Tanya left.

It was truly confusing how I actually felt sorry for him...I had never seen him cry, neither have I ever imagined him crying.

But I guess everybody cries...and crying is a form of expressing emotions, and these emotions suck.

"You okay?" I whipped my head, startled by Jackson's voice, making him chuckle.

I smiled, blushing before he bent forward to plant a soft kiss on my cheek. "I'm okay. Where've you been?"

"I was just with the coach. Guess what?" He excitedly jumped as we walked, hearing the bell ringing.

"What?"

"I'm the new team captain!"

That explains a lot about Ted and Tanya's fight.

We are so in trouble.

"Congrats!" I cheekily smiled at him, seeing a few people ahead of us in the halls. I turned to face him, seeing his dancing, breathtaking blue eyes, "I'm so happy for you."

"Can I get a celebration kiss?" He bit his lip, pointing at his cheek making me blush again.

Half of the school already knew about the shock of us being an official couple.

To be honest, it shocked me too.

But I was happy, despite what happened yesterday night. For all I knew, it could simply be nothing but one of my night symptoms.

So I leaned forward to plant a kiss on his cheek, before he whipped his head forthwith to plant his lips on mine. My eyes widened in shock, but I kissed him back nonetheless, closing my eyes slowly and feeling my cheeks heat up.

I couldn't believe he was to kiss me in the school hallway...but I also was happy. Happy that my mind was at peace.

He pulled away, smiling as I looked down, smiling too. His fingers held my chin up and I looked into his deep, ice-like eyes. "Do you wanna walk home and hang out at mine?"

I bit my lip, sucking a harsh breath. "My dad is going to pick me up after school. I have a private class session with a chemistry teacher. We could hang out after I'm home?"

I didn't have a chemistry class...I had a therapy session to attend, and I couldn't miss today's after yesterday's events.

But I also couldn't tell Jackson I was taking therapy...

"Okay, that sounds good. So you'll be home by five? Five thirty?"

"Yeah, we could hang out then. My father wouldn't mind for sure."

"Okay, Sugarplum," he kissed my cheek again, holding my hand as we walked out the school gate, him leading me to my father's car.

"How are you?"

"Good."

Good. She didn't say I'm good, she didn't grin, she didn't sit up straight...she simply said "good" with tired, sad eyes and a fake smile.

I, myself, felt the exact same way..but I hid it all for her. I couldn't show my sadness from what happened yesterday, I had to be happy for her.

"Yesterday," she took a deep breath, as I motioned for her to lounge down on the chair. I sat by her side, watching her eyes slowly glisten. "I saw her yesterday."

"Your mother?"

She looked at me, nodding slowly. "She was right in front of me...right beside my bed, and I didn't like it. I hated it, to the point where I was screaming my lungs out. I didn't know what had gotten into me, I didn't know why or even how I was screaming. I didn't know what was wrong with me," she closed her eyes for a few minutes before looking at me again, "I just wish it would've stopped...I thought it did since it's been a few days since that last happened. But it came back this time, and it wasn't like any time. I hated myself even more than I hated her... I wished I would've simply zapped out of existence at that moment."

I looked at her sympathetically, before leaning forward to her. "Lia...I know exactly how this feels. Trust me, I completely do. But I just want you to know, that whatever you see, whatever you hear..whatever you feel, you have to stay strong. Because your heart," I laid my hand on her left side of her chest before pursing my lips. "Your heart will ache if you don't make yourself believe that you are strong. And I know you are strong-"

"I've been strong for too long, Doctor," her tear fell on my hand as her voice cracked a little. "I want to feel safe. I tried helping myself but I never succeeded, and the only option I've got is to seek safety from someone. To have somebody strongly care about me... to make me feel loved and less anxious in front of this god forsaken world that I've thought about escaping hundreds of times. I've been strong for too long that I never laid a blade on my body even though I've thought about it millions of times."

She was finally released. Her fears, her needs, her thoughts were finally released and I felt way too stupid to not have thought about what she's been facing warlike than right now.

It was like my soul was talking to me. As if she was a part of me, facing the exact same problems I've faced.

"I'm going to tell you a single sentence, and you have to keep it mind and heart until the day we're no longer on the face of this earth," I held her hand, preparing it for a simple massage as she nodded softly. "Every single problem that's faced by every human has a solution and there's no such thing as an unsolved problem...just like one thing; maths. Have you ever heard of a mathematics problem that hasn't been solved yet?"

She shook her head, calming down every second. "Exactly..all you have to do is be patient and calm. And you have me, Lia."

She nodded, wiping her tears with her free hand before cracking a soft smile. A true smile. "Thank you for being more than just my doctor."

We practiced even breathings for a while until her sobs slowly stopped and she was now physically and emotionally stable.

I smiled at her, starting my work on her hand, holding her thumbs and grabbing my phone to set the timer. "Am I the first therapist you had visited?"

"Yeah," she nodded before, looking at my hand, physical relaxing to look at the ceiling.

"It usually takes visiting three to four therapists before finding the one that suits you."

"That day you visited our school, I knew then that you might understand me well."

I smiled, holding her index finger after lapping the timer. All I currently wanted to do was to know what she felt yesterday, and just as I was about to ask, she clicked her tongue, turning to me.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Go ahead," I nodded, encouraging her nervous self to speak up.

"If you really like someone, and you know they like you too, but you feel like their feelings aren't, like, enough to show adoration...is that a problem?"

I pursed my lips, moving to her middle finger, "what do you think?"

"I don't know," she sighed, looking back up at the ceiling, " I feel like emotions should stand out more than actions between two people."

"Emotions are things that belong to your body yet you can't control them. You can't instantly," I paused, clicking my fingers, as she payed full attention, " click your fingers and then you get strong butterflies for someone. You can't control who you like and who you hate...it's uncontrollable. When there's love between two individuals, even if their actions don't show it, they know deep inside how th heir feelings are. Butterflies inside stomachs, reddening face, heat, fast heartbeats you can't control any of these feelings."

She nodded as I released her hands, noticing how her state changed. "I feel much better after that." She looked at her hands and smiled before I wrote down its tutorial.

"Yeah? It's simple and oddly eerie."

"Just like me."

😻😻💖💖💋💋