Kakashi peered over steepled fingers at Jiraiya, the Great Toad Sage, last loyal Sannin, a growl growing in his chest as he regarded the older man with open anger and disdain. He was leaning over the top of the Hokage's desk, the dark wood creaking under the weight of his fury. To one side, Inoichi Yamanaka stood stoic, hands clasped behind his back as he, too, glared at the pale author.

"Jiraiya-sama," Kakashi said lowly, taking great pleasure in watching him try and fail to hold his one-eyed gaze. "Want to tell me why two minutes in your presence sent my kid into a full blown panic attack? I could have sworn you said you were only going to ask her, and I quote, 'a few harmless questions'." Kakashi had adopted a smile out of habit, but he dropped it then. "Explain."

The taller man was actually sweating, if his nose was to be believed, and not for the first time he reveled in the power his borrowed chair gave him. He still hated sitting in it, but it was nice being the one causing the discomfort for a change.

"I was going to bring this up after the exams," Jiraiya said, reaching up to scratch at the back of his neck with a grimace.

"The exams are over."

He scowled at Kakashi. "Don't interrupt, you brat." His anger drained out of him along with the color from his face. "Oh, I am too old for this."

With that, he plopped a manilla folder down onto the desk between them. Kakashi flipped it open, eye skimming over the contents. "What am I looking at?"

"A paternity test—two actually. One for the chibi-chan and one for her mother."

Kakashi readback over the list of numbers, their meaning still escaping him. "And? I hope you're not trying to prove she isn't mine, Jiraiya-sama."

He scoffed. "No, brat, she's mine."

What.

He and Inoichi exchanged wide eyed looks of incredulity before turning them onto the Sannin who crossed his arms and huffed.

"Her mother was, anyway. I had no idea until chibi-chan approached me about a mastery in fuuinjutsu. She looks almost exactly like an old...liaison of mine, so I asked her about it. She had no idea what I was talking about, but she let slip that her mother's name was Rin."

That set a ping off in Kakashi's heart. He cocked his head in confusion, burying the grief that name always summoned. "That can't be right. She told everyone her mother's name was Ochako when she was first accepted into the village."

Jiraiya's expression soured further. "I know. That's what I asked her about, when she—you know." He waved his hand around in the air wildly. "That isn't the point, though! That kid," he said over Inoichi's protests that it was the point, thank you very much. "Is from Kiri."

Kakashi leaned back in Sarutobi's chair. "So?"

Jiraiya's eyes widened almost comically. "What do you mean, 'so'? The kid lied about that, what else could she be hiding?"

Inoichi sighed long and hard, pinching the bridge of his nose in an effort to rein in his temper. "Jiraiya-sama, how much do you actually know about Hanako-chan? Because," he continued, ignoring Jiraiya's snide more than you apparently with a tranquility Kakashi admired. "I can tell you now that your 'harmless question' definitely did more harm than you were expecting." He looked to Kakashi for permission, which he gave with a wave of his hand. "Hanako Hatake suffers from Imposter Syndrome, due in no small part to the lies we already knew she was telling."

"You see, Jiraiya-sama," Kakashi interjected, a smile on his face if not in his voice. "Hanako never made any claims to know where she was from. She had a convenient head injury to thank for any blanks in her story, but a totally blank slate would have raised more questions than not. The answers she did give were suspect and unverifiable, with a few of them proving inconsistent. All of this laid the groundwork for a plausible spy. The Hokage," he did not stumble on that title, no he didn't. "Gave her into my care in the hopes that either I or my dogs could ferret out her true loyalties."

"A fact she is not to learn under any circumstances," the threat was heavily implied, and Jiraiya nodded rapidly in order to dispel Inoichi's glare. "When it became clear that she was immune to my clan's mind walking techniques, the Lord Third saw fit to enroll her in grief counselling with me—both to help her overcome the trauma of her mother's death and to keep an eye on a potential threat. As the years went by, it became obvious that she was either lying or keeping some major secret and allowing that to interfere with her social life here in the village. I had my daughter reach out to her, but Hanako is much more private than she lets on. Like a certain someone, she wears more than just the mask on her face."

Kakashi raised his hands in surrender. "It's not my fault! She came like that!"

Inoichi snorted. "She did, and it's only gotten worse. The longer she goes without telling someone, the more she feels everything she has can and will be taken from her one day. Jiraiya-sama, I'm afraid you unwittingly hit upon a very sensitive subject."

To his credit, the Sannin did look a little sheepish. "Maybe I should have read her entire file before confronting her about it, huh?"

Kakashi sighed, propping his head up in a display of exasperation. Was this how Sarutobi felt when he pulled the same stunt? He actually felt a little guilty. Too bad it was too late to apologize.

He spent a good half minute beating his emotions back into their box before picking up the discarded paternity tests.

"So, do I offer congratulations or condolences?"

Jiraiya's expression immediately sobered. "Ah, well, it's not like I knew the girl and I doubt chibi-chan would be impressed with an old man like me. Especially after I..."

Inoichi disagreed. "Hanako needs more grounded truths upon which to base her identity, Jiraiya-sama. Something others can corroborate. Most of her sense of self comes from her seal and her summoning contract—these are things that no one can take from her, after all, and are wholly hers."

It stung a bit that he wasn't included, but Kakashi knew better than to argue with Inoichi. If his kiddo needed a perverted grandpa, then so be it. Maybe he'd get a signed issue of Icha Icha, once the village was back in working order.

Jiraiya winced bodily. "Ah, about that. The seal seems to be...nonfunctional at the moment. Her injury disrupted the array and she might have...sent the ward into...the tiniest of panics when she tried to activate it."

Of course, she had. She wouldn't be a Hatake if she hadn't.

He really should not be proud of that.

Inoichi did not look happy. "Why was that not mentioned in any of the reports? That is important information!"

"Mah," Kakashi interjected. "Not everyone knows what a functioning seal looks like, Inoichi-san, let alone Hanako's." He stood, his back creaking in seven different ways, all of them reminding him of just how out of shape he was. S Rank nin his ass. "If you don't mind, I'd like to see my kid before visiting hours are over."

"Before you do, Hokage-sama," eugh, his body and soul recoiled from the title in perfect synergy. "Do you want to update Hanako-chan's file to include Jiraiya-sama?"

Well, damn, Inoichi, just dash his hopes and dreams across the rocks why don't you?

He sank back into the chair with a long, weary sigh, his head hitting the desk with a thunk. "I'm never going to see her again, am I?"

"Now, now," Inoichi said with a laugh. "It won't be that bad."

Not that bad? Not that bad?

Jiraiya of the Sannin, Toad Sage, one of maybe five Senju left in existence—albeit a branch member with no political clout—was going to be added to his kid's paperwork. Which meant she had to be added to his. Which meant notifying the Shinobi Council. Which meant sticking her back in the spotlight when she'd never really left it. Which meant more paperwork.

He glared at the Sannin, pouring every ounce of hatred into his gaze. "I hate you."

Jiraiya raised his hands up between them placatingly. "Woah, there, brat, not so fast. You need the clan head's permission to add her to my files, you know."

Oh, yeah. Tsunade.

Kakashi shuddered. His memories of the Senju Princess were vague, but he distinctly remembered Jiraiya getting punted through several walls. At once.

"Look," Jiraiya began. "I was going to go looking for her anyway. There are injuries here that no one else can heal," mini-Guy came to mind. "And the promise of another Senju—especially one related to me—will probably bring be enough to bring her back. Besides," his smile became a little too knowing for Kakashi's tastes. "I'm sure you'd rather not be our Fifth Hokage, am I right?'

Yes. Yes, he was. Gods, but he hated being in charge.