Sometimes I wish that I was dead.

Laying 6 feet under in a grave made of stone and dirt, as the maggots feast on my rotting corpse.

I wish I were dead, so only my skeleton would be left,

No fat, no skin, no scars that mark my body from head to toe.

I wish I were dead so the never ending feeling of never being enough, the suffocating feeling of hating myself, the feeling that everything I do will end badly, would all be gone.

I wish I were dead, so I wouldn't feel like I need to help everyone around me, while completely ignoring my own feelings.

I wish I were dead, because maybe then people will think "Maybe he wasn't okay after all." Instead of always assuming that I'm okay.

I wish I were dead, so I wouldn't fall in love with someone again, because I know love always ends in pain and I can't take much more pain anymore.

I wish I were dead, so my loved ones would maybe pay attention to me, instead of completely ignoring me just because sometimes it's hard to speak up for me.

I wish I were dead, so my mother wouldn't have to deal with a mentally unstable son, a disappointment, a disgrace.

I wish I were dead, so I wouldn't feel bad about things I did years ago.

I wish i were dead, so people would know I'm not faking, I'm not just looking for attention.

I wish I were dead, so I could convince myself that I won't be tortured eternally for being gay.

I wish I were dead.

10th January 2022