《"Hate And Shame" -Poems of a mentally ill person-》don't wish for things that kill you
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"I wish I were like you" is what they said,
"No you don't" is what I replied.
You said you want an ED,
But no you really don't.
"But I could get skinny and loose so much weight"
So much even that your arms look like toothpicks, your veins showing and your eyes sink in so much you look like a rotting goddamn corpse?
"But I'd be healthier!"
But it's not fucking healthy that I feel so fatigued and randomly collapse and faint or I get random pain pangs from not eating for days.
"But I'd look so pretty"
But do you really think it's pretty when my hair falls out and my teeth get cavities and my my lips are dry and crusty?
And do you think it's nice when I sleep all day because I can't bear the pain of the hunger when I'm awake, or that I'm always cold, always shivering and shaking for no reason other than being too thin?
And do you think it's cool to want to eat something after days of starving yourself and then you see the food and you feel like throwing up, you feel like you're betraying your body, and even if you manage to swallow it down you throw it up later in the goddamn toilet because you feel like shit?
And do you think it's cool how sometimes I eat so much I feel like I'm gonna burst, and I call it binging but actually I need more than 2.000 calories a day and my "binging" was less than 500 calories after I didn't eat for days?
And do you think it's fun how I can never sleep at someones place because they always gotta ask if I wanna eat and it's so painful because YES, I WANT TO EAT.
But I can not bring myself to do that without feeling like I need to punish myself after.
Punishing my body because of something that he NEEDS.
Anorexia is not a goddamn trend or an "Easy method to loose weight", it's the top number one mental illness that people die from, the deadliest mental problem there is AND YET PEOPLE CALL IT A FUCKING TREND.
13th December 2021
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