december 3rd.

i sat on the corner of the bed adjusting my clothes as i watched him brush his teeth at the sink. his movements were slow and tired, and his hair wasn't as bouncy as usual.

i had never seen him look so dull, and the pain i felt in seeing him in such a way was agonising in my core, my sore arms trembled as i pushed every emotion down, making me feel sicker with every moment that passed.

when he was done, he cupped his hands into a bowl and splashed his face with water, and i could see a spark of panic dancing in his eyes, a terror that shadowed his pupils that he tried to suppress. although he was trying his hardest to freshen up, his skin continued to grow grey, and the prickles that stung my eyes and skin continued to grow hotter, and more intense.

the ground was uneasy beneath me. i wanted more than anything to keep a firm grip on reality, but things wouldn't stop shaking around me, and even the dullest of colours grew more and more dull. the silence that filled the room was harsh and cold, full of a feeling that neither of us could express, a feeling similar to grief, but worse. our helplessness was more than disheartening, my soul felt as if it was being plunged and toyed with and tugged at, and my entire body was languid as my bones began to feel soft with anguish.

no matter how quiet it was, both of us could read each other with easy audibility.

how do you prepare for something like this?

i inhaled as deep as i could, salvaging as much oxygen as i could find, and blinking as fast as i could, allowing the cold moisture that had pooled in my eyes to dissolve into a thin layer over them.

i hauled myself off the bed and edged towards his tall structure, standing scarily still with his long arms propped against the edge of the tiny sink, his head hanging loosely and his eyes firmly shut.

before i had even reached him i could feel our connection, the magnet that drew me to him with no effort, and suddenly i was against him, my body clinging to his back and my arms strung around his waist.

for a second we were lifeless together, his torso bonded with mine as i stared into the empty abyss with the side of my face glued to his body. the rage and loathing that was rushing through my veins was burning through my flesh and to my skin, so wild and uncontrollable that even i was taken aback by it. he could feel it. slowly, he shifted, turning his body to face mine, somehow without losing contact the entire time.

i squeezed him with all the strength that i could, praying deep down that somehow my soul would merge into his, and i could keep him forever.

except that didn't happen, instead we only held each other so close that not even a single particle of air would be able to pass between us, and no force could pull us apart.

that was until a quiet tap on the door gave me no choice but to leave him, alone.

'i'll be back later.' i whispered into him, the words stringing together with such difficulty that i was surprised that they had come from my mouth.

he nodded gently, but remained silent otherwise.

'i love you.' my eyes began to run, beads of water tumbling down my cheeks and streaking my face with rivers of empty sadness, the sound of the door opening echoeing almost louder than my words.

he didn't respond, he just nodded, but i understood, and it was enough for me.

i parted away from him, my heart thudding louder and louder with every inch that came between us, screaming for me to burrow myself back into his arms, spinning itself dizzy with an unbearable yearning.

nevertheless, i found myself moving further away from him as each frame of moment flicked by, and i was swiping my tears away from my face, feeling the numb brush of the steel door closing behind me.

'thank you for letting me stay with him.' i was able to conjure up somehow.

'it's fine, but nobody can know,' officer noah replied, 'are you gonna be back here later?' he asked cautiously.

'yeah.' i mumbled practically inaudibly.

'i'll be seeing you then,' the officer directed me back to an exit.

'just, please, make sure he's okay today.' i raised my voice to the loudest volume i was able to handle.

'i'll try my best.' he gestured sincerely.

————————————————————

home didn't feel like home anymore. anywhere away from him was a cold, empty void in his absence.

i had a few hours before i needed to go back to the prison, and other than desperately clinging to my phone as i waited to hear back from nat, i was at a complete loss as to what i was supposed to do with myself.

i sat on the edge of my bed, watching as my knee bounced up and down and i chewed at my fingernails until they were raw and stung as prickles of pain allowed blood to trickle up to the surface of my skin.

even my mom had been avoiding me, and the subtle fear that laced the outskirts of eliza's unbeknownst eyes told me that i was inconsolable.

so, i sat in stillness, feeling myself become less of a human and more of an object, utterly passive in the way i allowed each fragment of time to pass me by without protest. i was familiar with the helpless feeling that absorbed me, but the surrendering aspect was foreign.

it had been around an hour since i had texted natalia, asking her for an update, or just anything.

was her response.

i almost laughed aloud upon reading the text she had sent me so nonchalantly.

half of my soul was going to be put to death in a matter of hours, yet it was as simple as that, .

i adjusted myself into a more comfortable position, something to distract my mind from the way my insides were drying up and wilting as they succumbed to the disease of impending agony.

soon enough the waves of sadness scratched at my skin unbearably, and my eyes began to droop with the weight of water welling up in them.

the glass tears streaked and stained my face until i was numb, and the burning moisture that slicked my cheeks became more of a thought than a feeling.

i stared and stared until the room around me was practically two dimensional, and my brain was too overwhelmed to produce more the a blank screen, until the shadows of the night crept carefully into the corners, consuming the four walls until they were almost completely submerged in a thirsty, malevolent darkness, alerting me to the fact that the time had arrived.

no new messages from nat.

i picked myself up, my bones cracking loudly with the sudden movement, my legs shaking with the sensation of my gut twisting itself to shreds.

my mom offered to drive, but i refused for some reason.

i basked in the tears of the charcoal clouds, the rain comforting me as i cried, a shower so heavy that it was impossible for anyone around to tell that the wetness of my face was my own work.

my legs still shook when i reached the prison, and my eyes were sore.

the air was different, it was thick and heavy, i would choke on it, and breathing was painful, my lungs were tense with struggle.

one of the officers led me into a black painted room, a small box that had melancholy stitched into every inch of its godforsaken walls, its existence around me alone drained me of everything i had, as soon as i entered, any last trace of hope of natalia's potential rescue vanished completely. it was over.

all the seats faced a glass wall, and i took a centre seat, making sure he'd be able to see me right in front of him.

i couldn't cry anymore, i wouldn't let myself, but my heart continued to weep with every throb.

a door swung open, and two big officers carried mattia in between them, his orange overalls the only spot of color in sight.

his head hung low - all of his hair had been buzzed off, and his skin was close to grey. he barely even looked like himself.

he slowly looked up and a pair of red eyes met mine.

his body was exhausted, and they pushed him relentlessly into the metal seat that had been placed centre stage.

a few reporters and journalists were scattered across the seating arrangement, but apart from that it was just me and him, and the silence was ours.

the clock mounted above him read 9.57pm, and the small ticking of the strokes of the hands echoed gently as the officers strapped his feet and arms in, one by one, with a tightness that seemed as though it was meant for an animal.

it would happen at 10pm on the dot, but until then he was mine and i was his, nothing else.

time ticked on and it was 9.59pm, and our eyes were still locked in.

they rung a soaked sponge over his scalp and attached a metal plate to his head, one of the officers preparing a large black cloth to cover his face.

my heart raced beyond comprehension, and my entire skeleton was shaking as beads of sweat emerged from the skin of my forehead and tumbled down my hot face.

tell eliza i love her he mouthed to me with a feigned sense of calm and serenity, even though the panic and fear that flooded his eyes was clear to me and he knew it.

i nodded frantically in response.

i love you. i mouthed gently.

i love you, too. he responded.

with that the cloth was thrown over his head, and i shut my eyes so tightly that i could see black spots.

the rush of electricity was loud, ringing harshly against my sensitive eardrums, and flipping my whole stomach inside out.

my heart pounded equally loudly against my chest as i slowly forced my eyes open to see mattia's lifeless body slumped over in the seat. a sight that would be engraved in my mind forever.

i heaved, a sense of vertigo engulfing every inch of my limbs. i needed to leave.

i went as fast as i could, stumbling towards the door and tripping with every shock of dizziness that struck me, the electric noise still ringing in my ears.

as soon as i was through the door, i crashed straight to the ground, pleading that the floor would inhale me and end the pain that i was enduring as i tried to find oxygen to breathe but couldn't.

'no, you have to let me in-' natalia's yelling filled the hall way, but i assumed i was hallucinating, 'y/n!'

i turned to see that she had broken through a barrier of guards, and i didn't even have time to wonder how before i felt her hands on my shoulders.

'y/n, we got all the signatures!' she screamed.

i couldn't process the words that she was spewing, all i could do was stare at her through bloodshot eyes, but the message was delivered aptly.

her body caved beside mine, and suddenly i remembered that mattia was her cousin, her family, and the depth of her grief was just as intense as mine, i could feel it.

we shared our grief silently, and i reflected on his last moments.

although his eyes were miserable, there wasn't a single trace of regret.

it truly was a love to die for.