it was 4:30am, december 2nd.

sleep had become nothing but a mere concept that had ceased to occupy me recently, last night i hadn't even attempt to rest, my mind had been far too busy trying to detangle the mess that was my thoughts, and even if that hadn't kept me up, the constant pulsing flare in my chest would have.

with every second that evaporated before me, the flare became stronger, the burning sensation torturing me as slow as possible, curdling my defenseless flesh down to the bone, and erasing whatever energy i had left in my veins.

i tried to smooth the wrinkles on my forehead with two fingers, the creases and lines on my face that told a story that i couldn't, bearing true evidence of a lifetime of ordeals that i had endured in such a short time - i was a teenager with the skin as frail and a countenance as gaunt as that of a sixty year old.

'you good?' natalia asked from across the table, the steam from her coffee masked her expression, but i was easily able to discern the concern pooling in her eyes.

'yeah i'm fine,' i gave a poor attempt at lifting my downturned lips, 'carry on, i'm listening.'

'great,' she clearly didn't believe me, but she understood that there was no time to pry, 'so we're at 850k, which means we only need another 150k signatures. the rate that it's going up has slowed down by a bit, but i think i can figure out a way to boost them.'

'cool, what are you gonna do?' i questioned, trying my best to maintain focus.

'just leave it to me, i don't wanna give you something else to worry about.'

'thank you, nat.' i flashed her the most genuine smile i could manage, appreciating the light that she emitted even in such grey times, 'i really mean it, you've been so good to me.'

'well, i owe it to you.' she sighed, the string of words coming out as hushed mutters, a moment long silence filtering itself between us.

'you do realise that none of this is your fault, right. you did what you had to do for your mom, i'd probably do the same. don't beat yourself up about it.' i crafted my words as best as i could to make her feel better, but the empty smile on her face told me that she'd be wrestling with her guilt for a long time, and nothing i would say could stop that.

'you should probably head out,' she said, her eyes quickly flickering over the watch wrapped around her wrist, 'i'll help your mom with eliza, i got you.'

'you're the best, thank you.' i said, knowing that there'd be no way to deny her help.

i rushed out of the door, and caught the next bus, leaving my fate behind in natalia's hands.

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mattia and i had pushed the bed against the wall, giving us something to lean on as we were sitting up.

it's hard surface was cool against our backs, and although the bed was quite stiff, the wall made it feel like marshmallow in comparison.

we relaxed, sitting beside one another and staring at the opposite wall blankly as we sunk into the warmth of the mattress beneath us.

'i made a list.' mattia spoke, providing no context.

'hm?' i asked absentmindedly, resting my heavy head on his firm shoulder, 'what list?'

'it's a list of things i never got to do.' he said, the tone of his voice revealing no emotion.

i shut my eyes slowly, trying to control the invisible inferno in my core, reminding myself that i needed to be there for him, i owed it to him greatly.

'do you wanna tell me about it?' i guided him in the direction i knew he wanted to venture in, but my eyes remained closed as i feigned the serenity in my voice.

something about opening my eyes and seeing colors and objects that surrounded me became unsettling, it would only remind me that this was real, and not just a segment out of my latest nightmare. the thought of looking at a world that mattia wouldn't be in soon felt like an endlessly twisting knife, planting a sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach, making me dizzy with fatigue.

'can i?' he said, i couldn't remember a time he'd ever put himself before anyone else, and i admired him for this, but the trait never failed to become infuriating, especially knowing where it landed him. my life at the cost of his.

'yes.' it was hard to speak with absolutely certainty through the dryness of my mouth, but i managed to do it, ignoring the weightless sensation of my hot fingertips.

'i wanted to learn to play the guitar. i probably never would have, but i wanted to. i wanted to see my friends graduate. i wanted to hear eliza's first words and see her first steps and i wanted to travel with you, and spend a long christmas cuddling with you, and i wanted to buy you a surprise puppy, and i wanted to propose to you and marry you and dance with you and feed you frozen wedding cake on our 50th anniversary... i just wanted more time.' by the end, words were gushing out of him as fast as the tears that streamed down his pale face.

the sound of his sobbing against the silence of the room twisted my insides beyond distinction, my heart shattering further and further with every gasp he let out.

i pulled him close, the wet patching on my shirt expanding larger with every minute, the feeling of his emotion against my skin filling me with an ineffable grief, but also relief, relief that he was finally pouring his insides out, and that i could see him clearly, even if it was going to be for one of the last times.

i contained myself for him, and curled my arms around his body as tightly as possible, rocking him as slowly and gently as i would to eliza.

i melted internally at the coconut scent of his hair that wafted its way up towards me, and i inhaled it deeply, embedding every detail of it into my memory and desperately tensing my mental clutch around it, willing myself to never let it go.

i continued to cradle him, his limbs seeming to become smaller and smaller as time passed.

suddenly, he looked up, a pair of bloodshot eyes pierced through me, an image that would be framed in my mind for an entire lifetime.

'i love you.' he whispered, his voice stripped down to a croak of vulnerability and terror.

'i love you.' i nodded down at him, refusing to let the tears fall.

a spontaneous idea spun itself in the back of my mind, and i reached out to it impulsively, jumping up and away from mattia, and placing myself on the floor in front of him.

i chose the biggest ring from my hands and removed it as i frantically positioned myself to be down on one knee.

'mattia polibio,' i started, 'i can say with complete honesty and confidence that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. you saved me. would you make me the happiest girl in the world, and marry me?' the words flowed through shakily, but my message was delivered well enough.

he rubbed his eyes, the sound of his laughter falling against my eardrums like the sound of cool waves against hot sand on a beautiful summer beach.

'of course i will.' he said with an air of certainty.

i gasped over-delightedly, slipping the ring onto his pinkie finger, the only one where it would fit.

'it's beautiful.' although his face was still red, he cheered joyfully, with a sarcastic tone that was a front of a genuine happiness that entwined itself into his expression and wrapped itself around his wide grin.

'we're married!' i roared, taking his hands in mine.

'we're married!' he yelled.

'i think we should dance.' i exclaimed excitedly, completely caught up in our performance.

'i think we should.' he responded, reflecting the same energy.

so we had our wedding, we were married, and we had our final dance, and i fell asleep in his arms, the only place where the terrors could never get to me.