a couple painful weeks had passed by but before finally being let out of hospital, my mom made me see another doctor to check on my mental state.

postpartum depression

that's what they said was wrong with me.

honestly, i wasn't surprised. i couldn't even form a proper connection with the baby that had literally come out of me.

my mind was constantly elsewhere, and for once, i didn't blame myself, or i didn't care. i couldn't tell anymore.

i only knew one thing for certain, and it was that i wanted to see mattia, maybe then i'd start to feel better.

'listen, mom, you can take eliza home and i'm gonna go see mattia.' i said, the minute we left the hospital.

'y/n, are you serious?' she replied.

'yeah, i'll take the bus.'

'why don't we just go together tomorrow, you don't need to rush, we have all the time in the world.'

'that's the problem, mom,' i suddenly felt a rush of anger, 'we don't.'

'fine, just- at least let me drive you.' she said desperately.

'okay, fine, but can we hurry.' i said frantically, every second without him was another second of pain.

——————————————————

when we pulled up in front of the prison a wave of panic crashed over me.

the dull and dilapidated archaic building towered over me, almost mocking me, telling me to go home, like coming here was a bad idea in the first place.

what if he doesn't want to see me?

i decided brush off whatever thoughts were flying around in my mind and began getting out of the car.

i turned to see my mom getting up too, and unbuckling eliza, who was still so tiny that we had to use a special car seat. i was just glad she was healthy enough to be let out.

'mom, i wanna go in alone.'

'are you sure?'

'yes.'

'won't mattia want to meet his daughter?'

'no, um, we'll save that for next time.'

'be safe.'

i shut the car door gently behind me and began walking towards the entrance.

after some searching i found a small glass box with an officer sitting at a small desk in it, and after this whole ordeal i realized i had become massively resentful of all police.

'what can i help you with today ma'am?' the scruffy looking man spoke, a nasty scent of a mixture of coffee and cigarettes wafting over to me with every word.

'i'm here to visit an inmate.' i spoke through slightly gritted teeth.

'what's the name?' he asked.

'mattia polibio.'

his eyes shot up from his small computer and directly up to me.

'is there a problem?' i asked with a sudden air of confidence.

it had probably come from the new found carelessness that i had recently acquired.

'your that girl from the news, ain't you?' he spoke in an irritating southern drawl, mesmerized, as if i was some kind of celebrity.

'is there a problem?' i repeated.

i received no response, instead i watched as he dug through a drawer, timidly - i had probably embarrassed him.

after a moment or so he plucked out a handheld radio transceiver.

'main office, i have a visitor for death row inmate #4092 - mattia polibio - do i have permission to let her through?' he said into the walkie talkie.

'uh, sure, let them through.' the opposite end replied with a hint of uncertainty.

'okay, ma'am, just walk through those doors over there and an officer will be there to show you where to go.' he said, turning back to me.

'thanks.' i muttered dryly, following his directions as quickly as possible, eager to escape his icky presence.

the closer i got, the more apprehensive i became at the thought of seeing mattia's face again.

i considered the fact that this might've been the longest time i had been apart from him since we met, and the thought only made my heart pound faster.

i pressed forward, nevertheless, as i realised that even if mattia didn't want to see me, i was desperate to see him.

he had become an anchor of my sanity, and it felt like the further i was from him, or the more time we spent separated, the more fragile i became, and the less control i had over my emotions and my grasp of reality.

the thought of the overwhelming separation anxiety i had developed was a terrifying one, and the reality of it was that without mattia, i would rapidly deteriorate physically and emotionally.

by the time i had emptied my mind of every useless thought that was littering it, i found myself through the doors that the man had told me about.

'you're the visitor for.. inmate #4092? mattia polibio?' a tall, blond woman asked me, referring back and fourth from a thick, fancy notepad she was supporting with her forearm.

'yes, that's me.' i replied.

'great, just write your name and contact info etc right in here.' she said in an amiable tone, handing me the notepad which had a half-filled out table with today's date at the top of the page.

i took it cordially and did what she asked, trying to match her energy.

after i was finished signing everything the woman guided me down a long, dim corridor, which seemed to get longer with every step, and eventually dropped me off into a small, grey room, furnished with nothing other than a simple metal table.

'he'll be here in a minute.' she said before leaving the room and closing the door behind her.

a small lamp hung from the ceiling, providing the only light that the room could gather, and it swung gently, creaking eerily with every sway.

i tried my hardest to ignore the dryness of my throat and the shaky sensation that caused a sick feeling to stir in my lower stomach.

instead, i decided to focus on the lamp, and its nonchalant swinging.

i kept count, and after the one hundred and eighty sixth swing, the sound of the door clicking open caught my attention.

a bulb of sweat emerged on my forehead, and trickled down my face uneasily.

everything other than myself and my brain seemed to move in slow motion, i noticed the pattern of the creaky lamp become slower, yet my breathing was more rapid than ever.

eventually, the door was open and the sight of mattia made my heart swell - i could see him as clear as ever.

it was finally him.