my mom and i had linked arms whilst her other arm was wrapped around my side, supporting my weight as we continued down the hall.

my weak bodily state caused us to move at a painfully sluggish rate, which i couldn't help but be self-conscious about as other hospital guests sped past us, but my mom had insisted that i needed to see her - she claimed that my daughter had inherited my nose.

i knew that somewhere deep down inside of me i was excited, but a sense of defeat and loss had been exerting an enormous weight on me since the moment i had found myself in hospital.

the guilt of my lack of enthusiasm was my only motivator, in reality i was ashamed of the fact that i would rather spend my time wallowing in self-pity in bed, and that last night's initial jubilation had worn off very rapidly.

allowing my mom to find out how i truly felt was the last thing i wanted, so we continued plodding on as i tried my hardest to replicate and feed off my mom's uncontainable joy.

eventually, we were confronted by a set of pale blue double doors, and we were required to sanitize due to the sensitive nature of the premature babies.

after we had finished, i transferred my weight to the wall beside me as i waited for my mom to hold the door open for me whilst simultaneously attempting to help me guide my way through, it was awkward, but soon enough, we were in.

i sighed internally, wishing i could just turn around and crawl feebly back into bed like the loser i was.

there was no crying or bawling as i was expecting, it was actually close to silent, i figured that premature babies wouldn't be able to cry yet.

walking past all of the babies and families was a surreal experience, a small smile had occupied my mouth, but it wasn't long before i felt my eyebrows tilting upwards in the middle, and my bottom lip beginning to quiver slightly, making me realize that i was deeply envious of the fact that almost everyone else in the room seemed genuinely happy.

i couldn't understand how anyone could be happy in such a cruel world, a world where even our emotions were subject to constriction and confinement.

maybe i should've listened to the law like everyone else, a guilt-ridden thought crossed my mind, maybe if i had just avoided mattia in the first place i'd be happy right now and mattia wouldn't be sitting in a shitty cell waiting for his inevitable death

the image of mattia's face in my mind caused me to dismiss the thought immediately.

i admired his dark hair and majestic eyes through my mind's eye, and came to realize that even if i had wanted to stay away from mattia, resisting him would be an impossible task.

'it's that one.' my mom snapped me out of my thoughts, pointing towards a small plastic incubator in the corner, indistinguishable from the other mini cribs.

i flashed my best smile and allowed her to introduce me to the life that had been building itself inside me for the last few months.

when i first laid my eyes on her, i thought i'd form an instant connection and all of my shallow thoughts would wash away immediately.

however, when i looked down, all i could see was a scarily diminutive ball of wires and breathing tubes.

a petite head emerged from within the mess and blinked up at the light with no particular focus or understanding.

upon this sight i had to take a seat, feeling as if i'd had the air knocked out of me.

eliza had mattia's exact eyes - an overwhelming pale honey brown with slightly green undertones on the outskirts, the perfect balance of color that was so delicate yet so vibrant.

'she's beautiful.' my mom whispered.

'she is.' i agreed, using my middle finger to rub on my temples in circular motions.

i sat back and watched my mom gently play around with eliza, a strange sight considering eliza couldn't even breathe on her own, let alone play peek-a-boo.

'i'm proud of you, sweetie.'

i shone her a smile of feigned gratitude, not really convinced that i had achieved anything for her to be proud of.

'hey mom.' i said quietly, unable to resist scratching the itch that had been bothering me this entire time.

'hm?' she responded.

'when can i see mattia?' i asked.

she let out a semi-disappointed sigh before turning her attention to me.

'y/n... you've barely even looked at your own daughter.'

'i know, mom, and i'm sorry but i just really need to see him.'

'okay, just let me handle it.' she let out another sigh.

'thank you, mom. seriously.' i said, relieved.