i spent the next few days in a state of depression, one which blurred the lines between morning and evening, making my entire existence feel like one long, sad day.

i slept a lot, and the dream i had on the first night replayed every time i closed my eyes, so much so that i began questioning what was real and what was fake.

the image of mattia's pale face and blood soaked shirt from my dream had become deeply embedded into my mind and it was all i could ever see.

i mostly stayed in bed, i would hardly move and would barely eat and drink, and it had probably been at least 3 days since my last shower.

i couldn't tell though. the concept of time had ceased to exist in my world.

the only person i had been speaking to was my baby, but only through my thoughts.

the idea of a future without mattia terrified me, and my baby was the only other soul that i could connect and relate with through that same fear.

when i finally got up and looked in a mirror i could barely even recognize myself.

my arms and legs looked extremely thin, my skin was a mess and even my hair looked thinner, but surprisingly, my stomach looked like it was going strong.

i decided to force myself to clean myself up, court was starting again soon and i couldn't stand the thought of mattia seeing me like this.

i had a shower and washed my hair and decided to go downstairs and get something to eat.

'hey honey,' my mom said, shocked by my presence, 'come here.'

she embraced me in a tight hug, and despite all of our previous arguments, all i could feel for her was gratitude, which was reciprocated in our hug.

'he didn't do it.. you know that, right? mattia never raped me and he never would.' i said, choking up.

she sighed a sympathetic sigh and then ignored me, turning around to pour a cup of coffee and handed it to me.

i sat down and sipped on it slowly.

'when we get back in court, i'm going to make sure everyone knows that mattia polibio never did a single bad thing the entire time we were together, let alone that.' i ranted.

'y/n, what i'm about to say to you is going to hurt you, and probably make you mad at me, but i want you to try your best to understand what i'm telling you.' she said, ominously.

'okay...' i nodded.

'i think.. i think you should let them think that he did it.'

'mom-' i interrupted, standing up.

'no, y/n, you said you would listen.' she said, sitting me back down.

'mattia is a smart boy, i can tell, he wouldn't have made such a big decision without thinking it through. you have to weigh up your options, y/n, just as mattia clearly did. either both you and mattia go to jail for the rest of your lives, never see each other again, all whilst your child is raised in a foster home.. or, mattia gets charged with the rape and you are found innocent. it sounds terrible but at least that way you can still visit mattia, and you get to keep your baby. think about it, y/n, because mattia definitely did.' she concluded.

i stared up at her with a blank expression on my face, trying my hardest to suppress my anger.

i hated myself for understanding where she was coming from, but deep down, i couldn't help but agree.

i abandoned my drink and went back upstairs, lying down on my bed and staring up at the ceiling, allowing myself to slip into deep thought.

ill admit, my mom was right, but she avoided the fact that they had called for the death penalty.

i thought long and hard, playing out as many scenarios as possible.

then i decided to do some research, so i flipped open my laptop and tried to dig up as many answers as possible.

how long do people usually spend on death row

can the death penalty be given to a teenager

what are the laws about love in new jersey state

how often can family visit other family members in prison

can i visit someone on death row

are children allowed to visit family on death row

can someone on death row escape the death penalty

my search history looked like a cry for help, but i had finally reached my decision on what i was going to do.