i scanned the courtroom and made a mental list of everything i saw to distract myself from the building anxiety.

there were six benches lined up one behind another on each side of the long isle that fell straight in the centre of the room.

two identical american flags were planted on each side of the large seat at the wooden desk at which the judge would sit soon.

everything was wooden and symmetrical and dramatic. everything except the small, plain table that held three chairs which were occupied by mattia, mr miller and i.

the feeling of intimidation was overwhelming, so i decided to turn my attention towards mattia in the hopes that his face alone could ease my nerves.

i was right.

within less than thirty seconds of creepily staring at him, i was already lost in him.

i admired him the way you would expect a tourist to analyse a painting in an art museum.

his features were just so ethereal.

his eyes reflected light in the best way possible, and his hair literally looked like silk.

his lips... his lips somehow radiated enough energy to give me the strongest urge to just lean in and kiss him, no matter what circumstance or situation.

'y/n? hello?' i heard all of a sudden.

'oh, sorry, yes?' i replied flustered, realising mattia had caught me staring.

'do you understand everything i just said?' mr miller asked.

'definitely, thank you.' i replied, fully knowing that i hadn't processed a word of what he had been saying.

'good. the judge, the jury, the audience and the press will be rolling in soon. we're all under a lot of pressure right now, but just try to stay calm. i'm going to do the best i can for the both of you, i don't think either of you deserve to spend long years in jail.' said mr miller.

mattia and i both nodded our heads in gratitude.

'i'm going to go and grab a few files i'll be right back.'

after he left the room, mattia turned to me in hysterics.

'you're so obsessed with me.' he laughed.

'shut up.' my face flushed.

'you should've seen your face, mr miller was literally trying to get your attention and you were there practically drooling over me.' he teased, struggling to get his words out from how funny he found it.

'oh please, i was just trying to appreciate my boyfriend's face. a girl can't even do that anymore, huh?' i sulked, crossing my arms.

'trust me, i very much enjoyed it. you have my permission to do it again whenever you like, princess.' he said, finally recovering from the giggles.

i knew he was playing around but i couldn't help but smile at the way he called me princess.

i sighed, remembering where we were.

'do you feel ready for this, mattia?' i asked, touching his leg discreetly beneath the table, having learnt my lesson about cameras.

'if i'm being honest, i'm a little bit scared,' he chuckled awkwardly, 'but we can get through this, i have faith in mr miller.'

'mattia, you're allowed to tell me how you really feel, you know that right? i'm not like those boys from your school, you don't have to put up a front for me.' i said, sensing that there was more to it than he was letting on.

'yeah, i know.' he said quietly, looking downwards.

'then tell me.' i said, tracing along his sharp jawline and placing a finger beneath his chin, turning him to face me.

he sighed audibly.

'i feel like i cant breathe.' he said, looking directly into my eyes, 'y/n, i cant lose you, i cant lose either of you.' he referred to the baby.

i paused for a few moments, trying to find the right words to comfort him and make him feel safe, like he would do for me.

'mattia, you will never lose me, i promise.' a tear rolled down my face which i immediately swept away, 'you need to remember that it's all you, you're in control of your breathing, you're in control of how fast your heart beats. take it slowly and go easy on yourself, please please please don't worry about me.'

he paid close attention to my words, still holding the eye contact and nodding gently.

this was the first time i'd seen his eyes go dull, and it broke my heart seeing him try his hardest to hold back the tears that were beginning to well up in the corners of his eyes.

mr miller's voice came back into the room, and with a small shake of his hair, mattia was back to normal, the flair came back into his eyes and he was smiling, just like that.

'i love you.' he whispered to me.

'i love you.' i whispered back, still slightly concerned for him.

i don't think i had ever wanted to hug him and kiss him more than i did in that moment.

—————————————————————

an hour later and the courtroom was full to its maximum capacity.

my mom was sitting behind me on the benches, smiling at me each time i looked back.

every voice piled up on top of one another, until the room just started to feel like one huge bundle of noise.

i used mattia as an anchor of sanity, looking over at him each time my anxiousness began to rise, and he did the same to me.

'all rise.' a powerful voice boomed from the front of the room, causing everyone to fall silent.

i turned to see the judge, and stood up immediately along with the rest of the room.

'you may be seated.'

everyone sat back down.

'today we are here to witness the case of mattia polibio and y/n l/n versus the people.' he spoke.

i felt myself begin to zone out, and allowed myself to, it was probably the easiest way i was going to get through today.