"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt."― William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

Kathalina looked at the note in horror. It was supposed to be with her parents in her house and not in Kentshire manor with William. Now she understood why her parents thought she was with the child because they didn't receive her missive from that night she spent with William in Kentshire manor.

It was a mere misunderstanding, she had a good explanation to give William but when she looked up at the man she loved all she saw was pain.

That horrible pain she knew. She had gone through it herself when her parents had told her William was the one who tarnished her name in the ledger. She couldn't trust him like he didn't trust her anymore.

The look in his eyes was the same she saw in the mirror, of heartbreak, distrust, of feeling empty that never could be fulfilled by anyone else. Kathalina lost all courage to speak, she knew he wouldn't believe even a single word from her. The words written on the note were hers and he believed it more than he will believe in her.

What was this feeling of hopelessness?

Is this what defeat feels like?

Standing there in front of each other, with the pain they have given each other, they should be fighting like the worst enemy. They ought to find the strength of their love that still exists but that same love had made them unable to take a step further in the fear that it would all be true. That their hearts would break all over again. There won't be any way out from the pain they have given each other.

She knew the silence around them had made it completely clear this was the end for them and yet she wanted to try and catch that last thread of hope.

"William," Kathalina said through hesitation.

"Leave," William said in a manner that broke no negotiation.

"At least listen to me," Kathalina pleaded.

"Leave now," William said unable to look up at her, "I do not want to make a scene by throwing you out of the manor."

"You wouldn't do that," Kathalina said exasperated.

"I am asking for the last time, leave now," William said once again without looking at her, "Don't make me call the guards, Kate."

"You won't call the guards on me, I know you William Kentshire. You won't create a disturbance in your family celebration that can paint your family reputation on tomorrow's ledger," She said angrily.

"You should be worrying about your own reputation, my lady," William said seething.

"The reputation that you already ruined," Kathalina sent a final blow.

William heard her words perfectly and yet the silence that ensued was like a hammer on his heart.

"What? What do you mean?" William said his back facing her for the fear she will see the truth on his face clearly.

"Weren't you the one behind my library debacle painted in the ledger?" Kathalina asked.

William turned around with shock written on his face. It was like the final ray of sun that shines so brightly right before fading away in an instant and darkness sweeping over.

"How did you find out?" He asked hesitantly.

Kathalina had believed her parents' words when they told her William was the one who started all this, he was the cause of all her misery and she believed nothing could hurt her more than that but like always she was wrong this time too.

Hearing those words from his mouth, his indirect confirmation of her accusation set a dead silence in her heart. It felt the same when she was losing her consciousness but she was completely awake now.

She didn't know how she walked back on the path she came making her way out of the Kentshire manor. She walked the cobbled street with a blank mind and like her soul has left her all alone. She didn't know how but she managed to reach her chamber.

She lay down on her bed and couldn't remember how she arrived there. She knew she found her carriage and made her way back but was she really present. It felt like she was completely lost to herself.

The days passed in a blur. She would see everything, do everything that was required of her and yet she felt someone else was pushing her body while she was stagnant.

She had lost herself and what remains was a mere shell.

*****

"Why don't you tell her the truth?"

"I feel this is easy and kind," William said.

"Or cowardly."

William didn't have anything to say to that. It was indeed cowardly. Why did he not stop her and tell her the truth? He was guilty of the crime she accused him of but not in the way she thought. Not in the way that broke her heart. And yet he was here trying to find ways to justify what he had done.

He was sitting in his office for a long time staring into nothingness after Kathalina had left. The chaos ran wild inside him, his heart begging him to run behind her and tell her everything and yet the note on his desk succeeded to stop him every second.

He ignored all the requests from his footmen to join the celebration back. Everyone was waiting for him to announce his engagement to Lady Caldwell. He knew he was testing the patience of Lord Caldwell. If that man wished he could end William's career.

He was surprised to see Hannah at his doorsteps. Before he could stop himself he has confided everything to her and she had left him asking not to come out of his office chamber. No one came to look for him after that.

To this day he didn't know what she did, but whatever it was kept William's name away from the scoldings of his family. Caldwell's sent him a letter stating they were disappointed but it couldn't be helped and would like the announcement as soon as his health was well enough.

After the celebration, his parents and brothers sent him worried looks but refrained from approaching him. He knew Hannah was helping him out in keeping everyone from bombarding him with questions. He hadn't answered any summons from the parliament or the Caldwells. He barely ate and barely left his bed-chamber.

He always visited the twins and on one such day, Hannah had caught him seeking advice from the infants. Since that day they have been sitting in the nursery in silence. Hannah never spoke about anything. She never asked questions, nor did she try to comfort him.

Today she asked him why he won't tell her the truth. He was such a coward, trying to bury himself in the pain.

"It is not cowardly," William said trying not to lose his face in front of her, "I simply believe this is what is best for everyone."

"William, I know what a coward is!" Hannah answered nonchalantly. William was surprised to find this bold side of her.

"I have been a coward myself and so I know that you are the same," She said bluntly.

"This is a funny thing about cowards, we think we are the bravest of all. We are doing what we are doing for the sake of everyone. But what are we doing? We are simply giving pain to everyone else because we are in pain."

"I thought I was doing a brave thing by leaving Oliver because that meant protecting Kentshire reputation and in turn protecting the happiness of everyone around Oliver. I thought of myself as a brave woman who was ready to sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of his even though I knew he would not be happy."

"But I never stopped to think that maybe me being happy could also make people around me happy. Me deciding to live with Oliver will make him happy which in turn would make everyone around him happy too."

"We gave so much importance to our sacrifice, our pain, our bravado that we do not see we are not who we think we are."

William understood everything Hannah was saying but understanding and accepting were two different things. Humans are very good at deceiving and they are best at deceiving themselves. What a mind understands but doesn't accept is never reflected in the actions and William was no exception.

But Hannah's words kept scratching his insides.

Was he being a coward?

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