Performed by;

•Ram Sweeney

•Kurt Kelly

•Veronica Sawyer

•The Heathers (McNamara and Duke)

RAM

Heyyyyy, 'Ronica.

VERONICA

Ugh. You got a left hand? Use it.

KURT

Don't talk mean like that.

RAM

You'll hurt their feelings.

You make my balls so blue.

KURT

You hurt them badly.

RAM

You make my balls so blue.

KURT

They're hangin' sadly.

RAM

What did they do to you

that you hate them so?

KURT

Don't run from me --

They're all beat up

KURT & RAM

like a tackling dummy!

KURT

They long for your embrace!

RAM

They're warm like mittens!

KURT

They'll curl up on your face

RAM

and purr like kittens!

KURT

You make my balls so blue!

KURT & RAM

Just look at them glow...

RAM

We're beggin' you!

KURT & RAM

Don't make my balls so blue.

VERONICA

Heather...? Heather...? Open the door.

HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA

Oh no, oh no no no!

VERONICA

Open the door!

HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA

Oh no, oh no no no!

KURT

You make my balls so blue,

so please say hello!

RAM

Hold 'em!

KURT

Enfold 'em,

KURT & RAM

and never let go!

KURT

Once you were geeky and nerdy,

RAM

but they knew you're dirty.

KURT

You've set them on fire,

KURT & RAM

Whatever you require they'll do!

So take 'em home to meet your parents!

RAM

They'll wear a suit and tie,

KURT

and a fancy collar!

RAM

They'll sing a lullaby:

KURT & RAM

La la la la la!

Please make these balls not blue,

RAM

Just for a while!

KURT

Can't wait till later,

KURT & RAM

my pants are rubbin'

like a hot cheese grater!

(VERONICA offers a bottle to RAM)

VERONICA

Look. Booze. Drink!

KURT

Aw, thank you so much!

VERONICA

You're welcome.

(KURT & RAM chug from the bottle)

RAM

They will protect you.

KURT

Defend you.

RAM

Respect you.

KURT

Befriend you --

RAM

Like Winnie-the-Pooh!

HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA

Winnie-the-Pooh!

KURT

Baby baby baby they're so blue!

RAM

My balls will work for you.

KURT

They will obey ya!

RAM

They really need rescue!

KURT

Like Princess Leia!

KURT & RAM

Baby, you gots to come through.

KURT

Teach them to smile!

RAM, HEATHERS

You got no clue how much

these two depend on you --

Please help them through!

KURT & RAM

My balls are in your court!

MAC & DUKE

My balls are in your court!

KURT & RAM

Yeah!

MAC & DUKE

You make them balls so blue!

KURT & RAM

You make my balls so blue!

MAC & DUKE

You make my balls so blue!

KURT & RAM

Ow! Ow!

MAC & DUKE

You make them balls so blue!

KURT & RAM

You make my balls so blue!

MAC & DUKE

You make my balls so blue!

You shake them,

you quake them,

KURT & RAM

Good God!

MAC & DUKE

You break --

KURT & RAM

My balls!

You make my balls so blue!

MAC & DUKE

You make my balls so blue!

You take them,

KURT & RAM

Lookit! Lookit!

Lookit! Lookit!

MAC & DUKE

You bake them,

Chrissake --

KURT, RAM, MAC, DUKE

You make my balls so blue!

Please make their dreams come true,

and make these balls not blue!