Performed by;

•Ram Sweeney

•Kurt Kelly

•Veronica Sawyer

•The Heathers (Chandler, McNamara and Duke)

•Martha Dunnstock

•Preppy Stud

•Kids

RAM:

Dad says "Act your age."

You heard it man, it's time to rage!

ALL:

Blast the bass, turn out the light

HEATHERS:

Ain't nobody home tonight!

RAM:

Drink, smoke, it's all cool.

Let's get naked in my pool!

ALL:

Punch the wall and start a fight!

Ain't nobody home tonight!

KURT:

His folks got a waterbed.

Come upstairs and rest your head.

RAM:

Let's rub each other's backs

while watching porn on Cinemax!

CHANDLER, KURT, RAM, KIDS:

The folks are gone,

it's time for big fun! Big fun!

We're up till dawn

having some big fun! Big fun!

When mom and dad forget

to lock the liquor cabinet,

it's big fun! Big fun!

VERONICA:

So wait, it's lime, then salt, then shot?

HEATHER MCNAMARA:

No, salt, then -

HEATHER CHANDLER:

You're doing it wrong!

VERONICA:

Really? 'Cause I feel great.

PREPPY STUD:

Veronica, you're looking good tonight!

VERONICA:

Whoa.

A hot guy smiled at me,

without a trace of mockery!

ALL BUT VERONICA:

Everyone's high as a kite,

ain't nobody home tonight!

VERONICA:

Stoned. Zoned. I should quit...

Hey, is that weed? I want a hit.

ALL BUT VERONICA:

Fill that joint and roll it tight,

ain't nobody home tonight!

VERONICA:

Dreams are coming true

when people laugh but not at you!

I'm not alone! I'm not afraid!

I feel like Bono at Live Aid!

ALL:

The house is ours,

it's time for big fun!

Big fun!

Let's use their showers,

that sounds like

big fun! Big fun!

Crack open one more case!

(VERONICA observes couple making out)

VERONICA:

I that that's what they call

"third base."

ALL:

Big fun! Big fun! Big fun!

VERONICA:

That actually looks like -

ALL:

Big fun! Big fun! Big fun!

(KURT holds up a pig pinata with a sign that says "Jefferson Razorbacks")

KURT:

All right, people! What is Westerberg gonna do to the Razorbacks at Sunday's game?

(RAM mimes sex with the pinata)

RAM:

Gonna make 'em go

Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee!

ALL:

Big fun! Big fun!

HEATHER DUKE:

Way to show maturity!

ALL:

Big fun! Big fun!

(RAM grabs HEATHER by the hips and does to her what he's been doing to the pinata)

HEATHER DUKE:

Quit it jackass, get off of me!

ALL:

Big fun! Big fun!

VERONICA:

Yo! Ram! Emergency!

I just saw some freshman sneaking over the pool fence!

RAM:

I hate freshman! Where are you little pricks? I'm coming for you!...

VERONICA:

(to HEATHER DUKE) You okay?

HEATHER DUKE:

I didn't need your help.

(HEATHER DUKE gives VERONICA the finger)

VERONICA:

Aw, thanks for the finger, Heather, but I don't need to vomit right now.

ALL:

The party's hot, hot, hot.

It's time for big fun! Big fun!

KURT:

You need a jello shot!

ALL:

We're having big fun! Big fun!

(MARTHA arrives at the party)

HEATHER CHANDLER:

Martha Dumptruck, in the flesh.

HEATHER DUKE:

Here comes the Cootie Squad.

We should -

HEATHER CHANDLER:

Shup up, Heather.

HEATHER DUKE:

Sorry, Heather.

HEATHER MCNAMARA:

Look who's with her -- Oh, my God!

(Points to VERONICA)

ALL THREE HEATHERS:

Dang! Dang! Diggety-dang-a-dang!

Dang-dang! Diggety-dang-a-dang!

VERONICA:

I can't believe you actually came.

MARTHA:

It's exciting, right? Excuse me, I want to say hello to Ram. I brought sparkling cider.

HEATHER CHANDLER:

Showing up here took some guts.

Time to rip them out.

(HEATHER DUKE holds up the pig pinata)

HEATHER DUKE:

Well, who's this pig remind you of?

Especially the snout.

HEATHER CHANDLER:

Hah!

ALL THREE HEATHERS:

Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang!

Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang!

(THE HEATHERS exit with the pinata, MARTHA approaches RAM)

RAM:

Where the hell are those freshman?

MARTHA

Hi, Ram. I wasn't gonna come, but since you took the time to write that sweet note...

(Hands RAM the sparkling cider)

RAM:

What note? Why d'you gotta be so weird all the time?

People wouldn't hate you so much if you acted normal.

(Chugs and spits the cider)

There's no alcohol in here!

Are you trying to poison me?

KIDS:

Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang (x3)

Diggety-dang-a-dang!

The folks are gone,

it's time for big fun! Big fun!

We're up till dawn

having some big fun! Big fun!

So let the speakers blow,

they'll buy another stereo.

Our folks got no clue

'bout all the shit their children do.

Why are they surprised?

Whenever we're unsupervised,

it's big fun! Big fun!

Big fun! Big fun! Big fun! Wooo!