10 months. 10 months was enough to numb the pain. Bellamy hated it, hated how the pain lessened because his sister deserved more. She deserved the world, and he couldn't give her it.

Every time someone referred to her in the past tense was like a physical blow.

Bellamy hadn't cried for her yet. He was shoving everything Octavia related into a file in his brain never to be looked at again. He hated himself for it, for trying to forget, but he knew that he would shatter if he tried to sort through it.

A part of him had died that day in the backyard, a part of him had died with Lincoln and Octavia in that car crash. Her funeral was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. Him and Clarke had driven home in silence, and then he'd gotten home and sat on the couch, unable to move, unable to think, too numb to do anything except stare.

Clarke cried though. He heard her through the thin walls sometimes. But she was getting better, she had a therapist (finally- he'd been recommending she get one for years), and he hadn't heard her cry in at least a month.

They both handled pain in different ways. Clarke let it all out and waited for it to pass, and Bellamy never fully came to terms with it. He worked harder than before until the numbness became familiar.

"-Bellamy?" Clarke was saying. He blinked. He hadn't realized that he'd zoned out.

"Oh, uh, sorry." He told her, grabbing a fork of noodles and shoving them in his mouth to spare himself from talking anymore.

She gave him a confused look, and if he was the old Bellamy, his heart would've done a flip-flop and he would have laughed. He would have thought she looked cute with her face all scrunched up. He would call her his Princess, and she-

"Do you like the noodles?" She asked, once again interrupting his thoughts.

"Mhm."

Hanging out with Clarke had never been this awkward. Sure, he used to hate it, hate her, but it was never awkward. They'd been through everything together, their friends getting married, breakups, Octavia's... death.

Bellamy cleared his throat. "I mean, yeah. Yeah, they're good."

His therapist, well, back when he still had one, would always tell him to use his words more. Answer with more than one word.

Clarke was the only person he could bear to be around, all the others were constantly flashing him looks of sympathy. It was almost like she could read his mind, because she told him: "I'm glad you like them. And..."

She paused, and he glanced up, inviting her to continue. "Would you... would you like to come to the bar with Murphy and I next week?"

Bellamy swallowed another bite of noodles. "Uh..." He'd forgotten Clarke and Murphy got together every week to get drinks. "I- I dunno..." he mumbled, avoiding eye contact.

"It's fine if you don't want to," she quickly amended. "I just thought, you know, you might want to... get out a little more?"

Bellamy nearly choked on his noodles. "I do get out!"

Clarke rolled her eyes. "Yeah, for work."

Bellamy frowned and crossed his arms. "So? I'm still getting out!"

Clarke's lips twitched into a half smile. "Work doesn't count as getting out." Okay, she was definitely teasing him now.

Bellamy probably should've teased her right back, but his heart wasn't in it so he settled for silence. He heard Clarke sigh. "I'm sorry, you don't have to come, I was just teasing."

"I'll think about it." He said slowly. It couldn't be too bad, right? Murphy was definitely not the kind of person to pity him. And it was only one night.

I mean, what could go wrong in one night?

...

Bellamy had nightmares. Every night, it was Octavia's car crash. Maybe that was why he had bags under his eyes. He heard Clarke crying softly for the first time that month. His heart twisted because he knew it was probably their conversation from earlier.

Clarke wanted the old Bellamy back. The one that teased her, the one that called her Princess, the one that came to her side the second she started crying.

But Bellamy stayed in bed. He curled up tighter. He was the reason Clarke was crying, he was the reason Octavia had died. It was all his fault.

Everything was his fault.

Clarke's crying eventually turned to snores. So Bellamy shut his eyes.

...

Clarke was shaking his shoulders. "Bell?"

Bellamy snapped awake. Clarke was above him, smiling softly. "Hey." She whispered, biting her lip.

"Hey." He repeated, rubbing his eyes.

"I made pancakes... do you want any?"

He nodded. "Sure."

Bellamy used to do all the cooking. But now, whenever he got near the mixer, his thoughts turned to teaching Octavia to cook when they were little. So through a combination of online cooking classes and fast food, they got through.

He walked into the kitchen, and sure enough some pancakes were waiting for him on the counter. He sat down on the stool and started eating. The shower turned on in the background. It was Thursday, he had to leave in an hour to get to the school at 8, half an hour before classes started.

Clarke and Murphy were getting together tomorrow... he'd better decide quickly. The shower turned off, snapping him out of his thoughts. Bellamy finished his pancake and washed off his plate. Clarke stepped out of the bathroom and he went in.

The hot shower water felt good.

When he stepped out, Clarke knocked on the door. "Can I come in?"

"No! Hang on..." he told her as he got dressed. He opened the door and they brushed their teeth together in silence.

"So..." Clarke started as she put her toothbrush away. "You coming Friday?"

Bellamy shifted uneasily. "Uh... I mean... Sure?"

Clarke squealed, actually squealed, and did a little happy dance. "Woohoo! Bellamy is ready to socialize!"

She seemed so happy that he didn't bother to correct her. He'd go one night, that was all. He'd say hi to Murphy, then just say as little as possible and probably get drunk. They'd go home and that would be that.

...

Friday night had come. Clarke had actually bothered with makeup, she was wearing a cute red strapless dress that made Bellamy wish he'd dressed up a little more. He didn't have to be worried though- Murphy was going casual too.

Murphy spotted them across the room and his eyes widened in surprise. "Bellamy!" he shouted with a smile as they neared.

"Hi." Bellamy responded as they sat down next to him.

"So," Murphy started. "What did you bribe him with?"

Clarke laughed. "Nothing. Believe it or not, he came of his own free will."

Murphy looked at her mock-suspiciously before his eyes drifted to Bellamy. "Okay, tell me what she offered you."

"Nothing."

There was a tense silence where nobody laughed. Then Clarke chuckled awkwardly and the conversation started again. Bellamy answered Murphy's questions with a stony face, and eventually Murphy grew tired of humoring him and started talking with just Clarke. Seeing her giggle at some joke made Bellamy look away.

Which wasn't fair, she wasn't his. She could date anybody she wanted. Bellamy sighed under his breath and ordered a beer. It was going to be a long night.