— 29. Downward Spiral

On the ship ride back to Kattegat, Tova sat near Ragnar and Athelstan. "Tell us about Paris," Ragnar told Athelstan, a fascinated look on his face.

"Again?" Athelstan asked, smiling at the duo.

"Please," Ragnar insisted, smiling back at Athelstan.

"I only went there once," Athelstan began, glancing between then.

"Continue," Ragnar encouraged him, already intrigued.

"I was visiting a monastery in Frankia, outside of Paris. And one day, the monks took me to see it. It was amazing. It just appears as if it rises out of the water," Athelstan began to explain and Tova smiled in admiration, "I've never in my whole life seen anything like it. It was like a dream. It has these huge walls, and inside the walls are these buildings made of marble and stone and churches, such churches. I remember the clamor of their bells, calling the faithful to prayer."

"But what I remember more is the beautiful women," Athelstan confessed, causing Tova to give him an impressed look.

"You never told me that part before!" Ragnar responded, an amused look on his face.

"I almost questioned my vows of celibacy," Athelstan admitted and Tova laughed in amusement.

"The two of you are lucky," Ragnar commented, causing Tova and Athelstan to give him a puzzled look.

"Why?" They asked them in unison, both of them confused.

"Because you have never been married," Ragnar pointed out and Tova shook her head in response.

"I could be," Tova reminded him in a calm tone as she shrugged her shoulders, "If I chose to."

"Well, don't, trust me. You will regret it," Ragnar commented, a disappointed look on his face, "I would not come back here if it weren't for my children."

"At least you have children," Tova muttered under her breath as she looked out onto the water, causing Ragnar to give her a sympathetic look.

____

It wasn't long before they arrived in Kattegat. When they did, Tova rushed to climb off the boat and glanced around eagerly, searching for her mother. "Siggy?" She called out as she continued to look around, "Siggy! Siggy, where are you?"

"Tova," Aslaug suddenly called out from where she stood beside Ragnar when Tova was about to walk past them, "Tova!"

"Where is my mother? I cannot find her," Tova complained and before she could continue to walk away, Aslaug grabbed her by the arm.

"Tova!" She called out loudly and Tova turned to her, frowning, "Your mother is dead."

"What?" Tova asked softly, beginning to tear up as she shook her head, "No. No, that can't be true."

"It is," Aslaug admitted softly as Rollo made his way over, hearing the revelation as well.

"How?" Rollo asked, looking just as saddened as Tova.

"Ubbe and Hvitserk fell through the ice into a frozen lake. Siggy saved their lives, but she drowned and we could not find the body," She explained, causing Tova to tear up as she shook her head.

"The gods are mistaken," Rollo argued in a low tone, leaning closer to Aslaug.

"No, the gods are never mistaken," Floki responded as she approached the group.

Ragnar sighed and walked toward Tova, who looked as though it was taking everything within her not to break down. "Tova..." He trailed off and Tova shook her head at him.

"This is my fault," She admitted, beginning to cry, "I should have stayed. She wanted me to stay."

"You couldn't have known," He reminded her in a soft tone.

"For years, I was nothing but rude to her. She wanted to be a mother to me and I always pushed her away. Now, it is too late," She explained in a whisper, looking ashamed of herself, "This is my fault."

Tova shook her head and Ragnar was about to speak up, only to have Tova storm off. Ragnar turned, shooting Aslaug a glare before he began to follow after Tova.

"Tova? Tova!" He called out as he tried his hardest to catch up to her, "Tova!"

Soon enough, Ragnar reached Tova. He grabbed her by the arm, pulling her toward him. "Tova, listen to me!" He demanded and Tova roughly pushed him off.

"No, leave me be! Just leave me be!" She snapped at him and with that, she walked away crying.

Sighing in defeat, Ragnar turned and watched Aslaug walk over to him. "Why was Siggy taking care of our children?" He asked, eying his wife suspiciously.

"We were taking it in turns. That day it just happened to be Siggy. On another day, it could have been me," Helga answered for Aslaug as she walked over with Floki.

"I can't asking you, Helga," Ragnar replied, smiling at her sarcastically before he turned to look directly at Aslaug, "I was asking you."

"Helga is right. We, three women, took it in turns to care for all our children," Aslaug explained before she went to walk past Ragnar.

Ragnar scoffed, wasting no time beginning to follow after her. "You see, I find that funny, considering all that Siggy's children are dead, all but Tova, who was with me in England."

Aslaug stared at Ragnar for a long moment, unable to form any words. "I must go see Porunn," She told him, just before walking off.

_____

Tova didn't take it well after hearing of her mother's death. She found herself sitting with a large group of men, getting drunk on mead alongside them. She roughly threw a wooden bucket to the ground, downing her mug of ale.

"Tova!" A man called out, causing Tova to turn to glance at him, "Would you like another to drink?"

Tova stumbled as she stood up. She smiled slightly and made her way over to him, holding out her empty mug. "Why not?"

"Give her another drink! She hasn't drowned her sorrows yet!" One of the men shouted, causing the others to laugh.

"What did you just say to me?" She asked him angrily, beginning to make her way over to him.

"Listen to me," The man responded as he stood up and walked toward her, "I lost one of my sons fighting for the Christians. We have all lost someone. Brothers, cousins, friends, sons."

"What's so special about you?" Another man commented as he purposely bumped shoulders with Tova.

Tova stumbled and the moment she balanced herself, she turned to the man with a furious look on her face. "Do not test me right now. I am not in the mood," She snapped at him in a low, threatening tone.

Tova staggered as she made her way over to where the mead was kept and wasted no time pouring herself another cup.

"Look at her! Look at yourself! You're pathetic. A little orphan girl who lost her mummy," One of the men remarked, causing Tova to throw her drink on the ground.

She rushed toward him, looking furious as she prepared to throw a punch while yelling out.

"Stop, Tova!" A voice suddenly called out and Tova was shocked when Bjorn appeared, blocking her path.

He turned and as another man went to move toward Tova, Bjorn had punched him in the face. He turned and punched two others, only to face Tova to see her on the verge of lunging at another. He sighed and grabbed hold of Tova, trying to stop her from making the greatest mistake of her life.

"What are you doing?!" She shouted at him angrily as she tried to pry herself from his grip, "Let me go!"

"Stop it, Tova! Don't be stupid," Bjorn pleaded as he stared down at Tova, "They'll kill you."

"Let them try," Tova growled at Bjorn, on the verge of lunging toward one of the men when Bjorn's grip on her became tighter.

He turned, pointing at many of the men. "Get back!" He shouted and the men laughed as they watched Tova struggle to get out of Bjorn's grip, "I can't let you do this."

"Get out of my way, Bjorn," Tova demanded as she roughly shoved him on the chest, "I don't want to kill you."

"If it is what the gods wish, then so be it," Bjorn responded and Tova yelled out, using all the strength she had to push him against a wooden post.

Unable to take being pinned to the wooden post any longer, Bjorn roughy pushed Tova back. The young shield maiden stumbled but was quick to steady herself.

"Tova..." Bjorn trailed off cautiously as he moved toward her, "You don't have to do this."

Tova growled and roughly grabbed Bjorn by the shirt. She pulled him into the rain with her before she kicked him, causing him to fall back.

Bjorn grunted as his body hit the mud and Tova walked toward him, a cold look on her face.

It wasn't long before Bjorn stood up. Tova lifted her leg and kicked him in the torso, causing Bjorn to grunt. She balled her hand into a fist, just before she punched him in the face.

Bjorn tilted his head back and clutched his nose. He moved closer to her, sighing in defeat. "Tova, please, stop," He pleaded, grabbing her by the arms as he gave her a saddened look.

Tova glared up at him and without hesitation, she kicked him in the ground before pulling him down to the ground with her. They both fell into the mud together and as Bjorn went to stand up, she tripped him.

Tova soon stood back up and she glared down at Bjorn angrily. As he went to stand up, Tova bent down, punching him in the face.

Unable to take it anymore, as Tova went to walk away, Bjorn grabbed her by the ankle and tripped her. She grunted, hitting the ground roughly.

As she went to stand up, Bjorn pinned her down as he hovered over her. "Tova, stop it," He demanded in a low, stern tone but Tova continued to glare at him.

She growled and kneed him in the stomach. She flipped the position so that she was on top before she punched him in the face.

It wasn't long before they both got back onto their feet. Once they did, they gripped onto each other. However, just then, Tova raised her fist and uppercut Bjorn right under his chest, causing him to fall back and stumble.

Tova gripped onto his shirt and went to punch him when Bjorn grabbed her by the waist. He shoved her to the ground, refusing to actually punch her. "Tova, I said stop!" He shouted as he watched her stand up once more, "I am not going to hit you back!"

She stood up and rushed toward him, only to have Bjorn pin her to a wooden post. She shoved him back and went to punch him, only to have Bjorn elbow her in the stomach.

She grunted and wrapped her arms around his waist, using all the strength she had to take him to the ground with her. As they both fell to the ground, it wasn't long before they both brought themselves into a kneel.

When they did, Tova balled her hand into a fist and punched Bjorn in the stomach, and knowing he had no choice, Bjorn punched Tova back. "Is that what you want?" He asked her angrily, panting for breath, "For me to punch you back?"

He pushed her to the ground and Tova grunted. She used a move Bjorn had never seen before and wrapped her legs around his ankles before tripping him.

With that, she stood up and kicked him in the stomach, causing Bjorn to grunt. The people around them shouted and cheered, clearly finding amusement and entertainment in what they were witnessing.

Bjorn panted as he pushed himself off the ground. He watched as Tova balled her hands into tight fists before rushing at him. She went to throw a punch at him, only to have Bjorn deflect it before shoving her.

She fell against a wooden post, which she used to pull herself back up before she turned to Bjorn. She walked toward him, beginning to shove him as tears formed in her eyes. She was no longer trying to hurt him, though. That was obvious to Bjorn at that moment.

"Hit me," Tova pleaded as she continued to shove him, "Hit me. Fight back, fight back," She demanded and her voice began to crack, "Fight back!"

Bjorn stood in place as he stared down at Tova. He sighed and shook his head, realizing she only picked a fight with him because she yearned to feel pain. To feel something after her mother's death. It wasn't right.

"I won't," Bjorn argued in a low tone. He shook his head in disapproval before walking off, leaving Tova there to stand in the rain with tears in her eyes.

She let out a heartbroken scream, knocking over a bucket before she punched the nearby wooden post, causing her knuckles to feel as though they were throbbing as they began to bleed.

Tova really lost her mom as she was just beginning to get close to her. 😭