Hi Coco.

Fuck I don't even know how to start this. I don't know how to tell you how much I fucking hate myself for doing this to you. I don't know how to say that I'm sorry. My hand is shaking as I write to you why I'm leaving, and not coming back.

You are my best friend. My other half. My god damned soul mate. No matter what, we were there for each other . Even when we pissed each other off, which was more than we'd both probably like to admit, we still fought for each other. You are the boy I'd run to for anything, even before I realized I was falling for you, and I was the girl who talked to you when you felt like no one was there.

You were as much my home as I was yours.

We were supposed to be together for the rest of our lives, and I know that's naive of me to say, I know it's stupid and in a way childish. How could we know who we want to be with for a lifetime when we're as young as we are? How can I say such a think when there so little we've both experienced? But I just knew, and I think you did too.

But things change, fucked up shit happens and left us broken. I know for myself, beyond anything anyone but ourselves could repair. My heart hurts, my head aches and theres hasn't been a night where I haven't cried myself to sleep, despite what I've told anyone. Including you.

Everywhere I look in this damn town, I saw him.

I heard him laugh as we sat in our normal booth at Kane's for the first time after the accident. It's why I left almost as soon as we showed up. I see him picking up our nieces or Julia or Kelsey when they're around, smiling and laughing with them. It's why I cry when I look at them. I see his truck crookedly parked on the curb in front of my house. It's why I just about yelled at Dallas to move his truck when he stopped by to see how we were all doing. I see him in my room. Sitting on my bed watching stupid movies with Em, Amy and I, eating a severely unhealthy amount of Oreos and ice cream. Laughing, teasing talking about boys...talking about you.

Even when I look at you, I find reminders of him. How inseparable you two were and always have been, how much he pushed for our relationship. How he never got himself a ticket to the Cubs game. Even in your eyes. They glimmer the same way his did.

That's to no fault of your own though, it's my own mind that conjures up these figments and reminders and damn near inescapable thoughts. But it's something that I just can't see anymore. I need to forget and I need to escape or else I won't survive.

Everyday I'm breaking. Everyday in that town I feel myself falling deeper and deeper into this hole, everyday I feel more and more suffocated by the memories, so I had to leave.

And I know I promised to say goodbye. Pinky promised actually. But I knew, one look at you and I'd stay. If I kissed you in the morning morning, hugged you, hell, just saw your sad face that you'd try and fail to cover with a smile, I'd give it all up and stay, so I left. Because as much as I love you, god, words can't describe how much I love you, I had to go to save myself and leave you to have what you deserve, someone so much better than the broken person I've become.

You deserve so much more than someone like me, and I know you'd disagree. If I told you this, you'd shake your head and tell me I'm dead wrong without any hesitation, but you don't see yourself the way I see you, the way everyone in our lives sees you. You're amazing. You're perfect actually, You'd lay your life down for the people you love without a second thought and You'd sacrifice your own sanity to help any one of us. You deserve someone who will be there for you mentally and emotionally, someone who has their shit together and someone who isn't a raging mess of unstable emotions. You deserve the fucking world Co.

You are the best thing to have ever happened to me.

Thank you for the late nights on the balcony, making me laugh until I forgot what I was sad about. Thank you for watching stupid movies with me, for helping me with whatever problem I could possibly have, for protecting me (even when I said I didn't want you to. Thank you for being my brothers' best friend, that you for being their brother. Thank you for loving me, even when I was less than loveable.

Thank you for being my safe haven.

I'm in love with you.

Forever and always.

And I'm sorry.

So unbelievably sorry.

~Your Princess

That was what I was left to find when I wind up that morning.

The guilty looks on her brothers faces as I ran into their house, still in my pajamas, burned into my memory.

I cried, I think more than I did when Jordan died, and Beck and Arrex and Ace and hell, even Colton were all there for me. But the one person I needed was gone.

I don't know what possessed me to read it again, but for some dumbass reason I did.

It's been nine months,

I tried calling, I tried texting. For two months, every single day, I called her. Not to mention the texts. I left voicemails, telling her how much I missed her, begging her to just pick up her damn phone.

But I got absolutely nothing.

So I went on with my life. But damn, I have never felt so empty.

I know I should've been pissed. I should be mad at her.

She gave up on us, on this relationship, on our history. On me.

She abandoned everything we fucking had.

But for some reason, I can't let myself be angry. I can't bring myself to hate her and I don't think I ever could because even after all shes done, I still love her, fuck I still love her.

Her smile, the real one she'd flash with the dimple in her chin when we're sitting out late at night in her balcony and I said something stupid.

Her brown eyes that she thought were boring, but I got lost in every time because I just couldn't comprehend the beauty of them. The same eyes that were a dead giveaway to whatever she was feeling at the moment.

The freckles across her nose that I loved to count early in the morning while she slept beside me, her body tangled in mine as her lips turned upwards into a soft smile even when she was dead asleep.

She was my everything and I know I'm hers... well, I was hers.

I can't be mad at her for how she tried to kill her sadness.

So I just keep going.

The rest of us spent our summer together. I was able to mask the loneliness I felt and the never ending emptiness. Spending every day together until one by one we had to leave for school. Slowly everything crept back in after I moved to Florida, so I buried myself in school and football.

I barely partied at first, only going when the team went and even then I barley drank, preferring to be alone when I do. Despite being one of the youngest, I've been deemed the dad by a lot of the boys.

Within a month, I'd been accepted into another chaotic dysfunctional family after moving into the football house. By this point a lot of these guys have become my second family. I guess spending everyday together and winning a national championship will do that to a group.

It honestly reminds me of the boys back home. I'm somewhat happy. I hope she is too.

"Asshole, answer your phone," my roommate grunts, snapping me away from my thoughts.

"Dude you gotta get your lazy ass up anyway, we got practice in forty five and you wreak of straight up fuckin vodka," I snort looking at my best friend slumped over the side of his bed.

Our season ended two weeks ago, that doesn't mean training ended though. It was our first day back in the weight room in two weeks. We went out as championships. Damn it feels good to say that. My rookie season in college ball as a starter. A freshman starter is almost unheard of, let alone a starting freshman QB.

"I need water," Nick grunts as he just 'bout crawls out of his bed.

This mess was my mentor.

He was a year older than me, and was one of the most kick ass running backs I've ever seen. Since I've been here, he's become one of my closest friends on and off the field.

He reminded me a lot of Jordan. I think that's why he and I get along so well, from day one he's been my best friend here. Being deemed dumb and dumbass by our teammates, he's grown on me like a rash.

"What's up Beck," I snort watching Nick try to pick himself up off the floor.

"Is that Nick?" My best friend laughs as he hears the whining of my teammate in the background

"Yep," I nod even though he can't even see me "He had a rough night,"

"Danny did too," he chuckles at the mention of one of his friends out there "I just walked in his room and could smell the tequila, made me want to throw up,"

He refuses to be anywhere near tequila anymore. Not after the night from this last summer that left him praying to the porcelain gods for over an hour.

"So how's everything been over there?" I question. I want to ask more specifically Bailey, but I gave up on that a while ago. No matter how loyal the boys were to me, she was still their sister, and they'd do anything she asked of them, including refusing to tell me anything about her aside from basic vague answers. She hasn't been home at all, not for Thanksgiving or even Christmas.

It was an unspoken rule: they don't tell me much about her and they don't tell her much about me.

"I am already stressed as hell, I wanna go home,"

As much as he complained about California, I knew he loved it out there. From what I could gather, both him and Bails are working and already signed a lease for a new apartment with two of their other friends right after the new year.

"Uh huh, and how'd that thing with that one girl go?" I smirk. Apparently Bailey had a hot ass friend from one of her classes Beck had a thing for.

He's been, well, as Em and Lexi would say, hoeing around since him and Amy broke up. They just couldn't handle the distance, it wasn't easy for them so they both agreed to cut things off.

So far the only relationships still going strong are Em and A, and Ace and Brett.

"Nah dude, turns out she's not into guys," I could practically hear his disappointment as I hold back a laugh. "Now I know how the girls feel,"

"Maybe it's for the best,"

"Yeah I guess," he snorts. In the background though I head yelling and a loud bang followed Beck yelling 'bitch'

"Okay I gotta go, bitchface is yelling at me to clean the bathroom,"

"Have fun," I shake my head, tossing a water bottle and the bottle of ibuprofen at Nick who had just entered the kitchen.

"I will, talk to you later bro,"

"Yeah," I nod, both of us hanging up after

"Hmm was that your little hometown girlfriend," Nick snorts with a smirk on his face. All the guys were convince I got a girl cause I don't sleep around every other night like they do. In all honestly though, I just focus on my work. It's easier.

Instead of coming up with some smartass remark I simply opt for grabbing the medicine bottle and shaking it right in his ear as I walk by.

I get my satisfaction seeing him wince and mutter a 'fuck' and simply smirk at his reaction.

"It was Beck, dickbag," I tell him

"Dude why didn't you tell me he's got a hot ass sister?" he questions

"What?" I now look up at him at the mention of Bailey

"We follow eachother on Instagram, and damn is his sister hot bro," he goes on, looking at his phone

"Yeah I fuckin know," I snap, taking his phone out of his hands and throwing it down on the counter

"Ouch. Sore subject?" He teases, still thinking I was messing around. Out of all the things we've learned about each other, knowing each others limits was not on that list yet. Nor is my past relationships.

"Dude," I snap, any ounce of lightheartedness void from my voice as I looked at him with a dead stare.

He seems to take the hint as his smile falls "Wait, dude really?" He questions, "Your best friends sister?

"It's a long story," I huff "That we don't have time for nor do I want to talk about,"

And with that I'm stalking out of the kitchen, back to our room to get ready for the one constant I've always been able to rely on, with thoughts of the one person I wish would leave my mind and what was supposed to be forever. No matter how hard I tried to deny it though, through everything the past year, I've learned one hard lesson.

Not one thing is forever.