Within minutes my family plus Em and Caleb were all crowiding the hall and no sooner did the doctor come back out to allow us in, I was in that room.

Beck was groggy but he still smiles at me as soon as he sees me and I jump on the bed to hug my twin.

"Holy fuck," I cry as he squeezes me "I'm so sorry Beck, I'm so so sorry,"

"It's okay B," he mutters, his voice was quiet, barely there but that was expected. The doctor did say that because of the breathing tube, his throat will be sore.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean any of it, I love you so much," I cry

"All okay Bails," he whispers

I climb off the bed as he releases me, the tears streaming down my face are nonstop, as he looks at me.

"Hi,"

"Hi bud,"

"Beck," Cheri cries as she hugs him just like I did "How do you feel? Do you need anything? Anything hurt? Anything we can do? I-"

"Mom, slow down," he grunts as he attempts to sit up "I'm tired and sore but not in too much pain and I am okay right now," he nods "I'm okay."

"Good," my dad smiles sadly. He's been beyond stressed these past few days. Rightfully so. I knew he was trying to be strong for my brothers and the rest of us, but I knew he was crying at night. He'd be in the kitchen late and night or in the living room and I could hear him sniffling and crying.

"Where are the girls?" Beck questions, looking at Caleb and Em "and the other three,"

I can feel whatever smile I have on my face fall as we all look at eachother.

"T-the girls and Tyler and Wes are at home..." Em says her eyes watering

"Jordan?"

"He's uh-he," I start to say but I really can't finish.

"He what?" Beck says now serious, obviously sensing the energy

"Listen Beck," my dad says, sitting down "Jordan, he-he, didn't make it," I see my dads eyes water

"What?" You can see his energy change. It was obvious. "No, no that's not possible, he was fine, he was talking in the car,"

"There was too much bleeding," Zach says, trying not to cry himself

"No, Jordy was fine," the heart monitor starts beeping faster than what was normal as Beck starts break thing heavier "He was talking, and he was trying to get me out, I remember before I passed out, he was okay," his voice breaks at the end

"He's gone," I hiccup.

"W-we buried him today," Colton stutters

"N-no, no he was okay," Beck rasps. He could barley talk and now he's stressing himself out "I-I didn't even get to say goodbye,"

And in an instant Caleb is at my brothers side, embracing him as he completely falls apart.

We've had some time to come terms with it all. Even then, I still refused to believe it all happened. But Beck. He had no idea.

He's just waking up and has to deal with this.

"Beck I'm so sorry," I cry throwing my arms around both of them. Em joins too. Colton after her. Then Ace and Arrex.

"He was okay." He sobs into Co's shoulder

"I know," Co just calmly comforts him, "I know,"

We just sat there for hours until we had to go home. And we didn't go back to the hospital until Friday afternoon when Beck was released.

Then we went right back home again, and we all locked ourselves in our rooms.

I hate my house.

It's not the same.

We were loud, we were obnoxious. Our house always had the lights on and we always had people running wherever.

It was warm and inviting and you knew that no matter what things were going to be okay.

Now?

Well now we have tears, silent sobs. We just isolate ourselves. We barely talk, and we sleep.

I haven't seen anyone besides co and my brothers since Wednesday.

And the letter from Stanford's been taunting me as it lays on my dresser.

Leaving would be an escape.

I wouldn't have to pass the road everyday. I wouldn't have to deal with the sympathetic looks from everyone everywhere I went. I wouldn't want to throw up every time I saw his favorite picture of us, that even though I've taken down, still think of every minute of every day.

If I left, I wouldn't be reminded.

"Bails?" I hear Co whisper outside my bedroom door. At this point none of my brothers nor my parents cared all that much about him being in my room.

He just walks in and collapses on my bed beside me.

"Hi," I say quietly as he silently wraps his arms around me and pulls me to him

"Hi," he responds.

"I love you," I look up at him and give him a kiss along his jaw. He's been there for all of us. I've been there for him.

We've been leaning on each other for the past week.

I can see the tears in his eyes through the little moonlight that was shining through my windows and balcony door.

"Hey, hey, what's-" I sit up as I question, flicking my light on. He sits up too and I can clearly see the streaks of tears on his red face.

"I-I just need someone right now," his voice is hoarse as he just collapses in my arms "I miss him so fucking much," he sobs

I've never really seen him break down like this. He had his face buried in the crook of my neck, just sobbing and trembling.

"I know Co," I nod, wanting to cry myself. "I'm here,"

"Thank you," he cries "I'm sorry I-I just, it's just hit me and I can't fucking stop," he sobs "We're graduating later today and he's not going to be here walking that fucking stage with us," he starts rambling as he pulls away to look at me "We we're going to school together, he was my roommate and we were gonna play together, we were going to grow up together,"

"I'm so sorry," I say, now crying "I'm so sorry Caleb,"

"I am too," and just like that he's back in my arms, holding me as I hold him

What were we going to do now? How is this shit ever going to get better.

I'd always said before that is reached rock bottom. But this. This is rock bottom.

"This wasn't how this year was supposed to end," he says, looking down at me. His nose was runny and his eyes were puffy. The only time I've ever seen him like this was when his grandpa died and even then it wasn't this bad.

He was broken.

"Not at all," I reach up to wipe his tears. He just rests his head against my hand "Not even close,"

"I want to stop fucking hurting," he states

"Me too," I nod,

"I really miss him," he says again and I just nod "We were supposed to be there for each other, he was gonna be my best fucking man,"

"I know," I nod, smiling slightly. They'd all been fighting about who would get to be who's best man at their weddings so they made a system. Jordan wound up being Calebs.

"How's Beck?" He questions after a while. The only thing between us now were sniffles and silent cries.

"Not good,"

Beck hasn't said a word since we told him. He just huffs or grunts, nothin more. He had no emotion, he was just nothing.

He blamed himself.

He was numb.

Co just nods. We know how it felt.

We just laid there.

"I love you," he says, looking down at me "Always,"

"I love you too Co," I say, a single year sliding down my cheeks "Forever,"

—————————————

Everything about today felt wrong.

Graduation day.

It's the day everyone looks forward to. I mean who wouldn't? It's the day you're sent out and actually are given the opportunity to be somewhat of an adult. It's a closing of a chapter in your life.

Two weeks ago, we were more than excited. Beyond excited for this day. All of us were.

Today, I don't want to move.

My brothers were all waiting for me downstairs with my parents. All looking as done with today as I was.

Co had left earlier, we'd both woke up with puffy eyes and runny noses. Still feeling like shit.

"I know this isn't how today was supposed to be guy," My dad huffs, looking at all of us. We didn't want to be anywhere that wasn't our rooms right now. Even Colton.

"But think of today as a day for him. He loved you guys so unbelievably much, and he'd want you guys to think of today as a good day, he'd want you to be happy,"

Yeah well, my best friend basically died in my arms a week ago. Not too much to be happy about there dad but thanks for the effort.

"He was beyond excited for today," Arrex says "He had his speech ready and everything,"

He was chosen to give a speech at the beginning of the ceremony. It's the one speech of the whole day where the students get to chose who gives it. We all have a voting day, and vote one person from our senior class to speak, and by a landslide, that person was Jordan.

He'd been nervous, but there was no better person to do it than him. He loved school and he loved the people there.

"Dads right," Ace nods "Jordan wouldn't want us to be like this, he'd punch every one of us for crying over him,"

He would too. He hated sympathy and pity. He was a glass half full person and no matter what he found the brighter side of things.

I've tried.

"Let's just go, and get this over with," Beck huffs and I nod.

"Agreed,"

We'd all piled into my dads SUV and sped over to the school in time to meet everyone for pictures before entering the stadium.

Today we'd all agreed to wear something for Jordan.

Over her dress, under her gown, Em wore her 'I'm with stupid' t-shit that she'd gotten with Jordan in eighth grade.

The boys all wore one of his jerseys. When she went in his room earlier this week, his mom, found his senior year jerseys and decided to give one to each of the boys. that's what they had on under their button downs.

I had on the old Cowboys jersey he'd gotten me freshman year as a joke over my dress. He knew I hated the cowboys, so that was what I got for Christmas.

Amy wore the funny socks he'd bought her. She loved stupid socks and one day when he and I were out shopping, he found these bright blue crew socks that said 'Fuck off, I'm reading,'. He bought them on the spot. She loved them.

And Lexi, she wore one of his favorite dresses on her, along with the necklace.

She's been taking it really hard. She looked like she hadn't been sleeping, more so than any of us. She was t her. Granted, none of us were.

She hasn't really talked to any of us either, It was as if she'd been distancing herself from us. And I don't blame her.

We were a reminder of him.

"Hi guys," I manage somewhat of a smile as I join our group

"Hey B," Ty tries to smile, but it's just no his smile. He's been distracting himself. He started working more with his brother, if he wasn't working, he was studying for school or practicing for baseball at their training facility.

Ty and Wes both give me hugs, squeezing me tight, before releasing me.

"Thanks guys," I nod,

"Uh guys?" A shorter girl with a camera says as she approaches us, most likely from yearbook club. She just looks at Em and she nods.

"So guys, we're doing a tribute to Jordan in the yearbook," Em explains "I've already submitted pictures of all of us together but would it be okay if we got one with everyone weak f their stuff?" She questions looking at all of us

Within seconds, we're all unzipping or gowns, showing off the things we had on in honor of him.

"Okay, thank you," The girl, Anne, nods after snapping a few pictures of us. We were all wearing fake smiles, if we were smiling at all.

We all stood there awkwardly, as if not knowing how to go about all of this. We've never in our lives been like this together.

"Who else misses the fuck out of him?" Wes questions, his face sad. He broke the tension though, as every single one of us raises our hands

"Does anyone else see him even when you sleep?" Tyler asks

"Every night," Co and I say at the same time before we all return to silence. Once again, awkward as shit.

"He called me a dumbass in a dream," Arrex snorts.

"You had a dream like that too?" Em looks at him "He told me to stop being a little bitch,"

"That dick really is haunting us," For the first time since the hospital Beck actually speaks and it was as if a switch flipped in us because within five seconds all of us were laughing.

Really laughing. Like the kind where you just can't stop.

I don't know what happened but even Beck had joined in.

We laughed for what felt like hours, until one by one we start quieting down, now with tears in our eyes, but not of sadness. For the first time since he died, I wasn't completely and utterly dreading life.

"I needed that," Lexi wipe a tear from her eye,

"I think we all did," Ace nods

"I love you guys," Amy says looking at all of us "I really, really do,"

"I love you, too," I nod with a chorus of 'me too's' to follow.

"All seniors please report to the front of the stadium in your designated area, the ceremony will begin soon."

We all look at each other in our little circle as the loud speakers announce.

"Are you guys ready for this?" Co questions

"Not at all," Beck answers for us

"Great," Co nods "Let's go,"